Advice giver needs advice: infidelity imminent

[bcgirl]

I wish my wife had your willingness to talk openly about sex. I agree with everything you're saying ... TELL me what changed ... TELL me what feels good and makes you feel comfortable. She giggles like a little girl, HATES talking about sex, like its a dirty little secret. Our therapist suggested talking openly about the opposite, what we don't like, she clammed up (pun intended haha) ... insisted over and over that nothings wrong. I find it amazing that I had/have the ability to accidentally seduce 25 year old perfect 10s with relative ease but with twice the effort and 50x the commitment I can't bang my wife on the reg. Go figure.

Without sex, passion and romance you two might as well be room mates. Her views of u have changed. She views u more like a brother than a lover. No wonder she gets embarrassed when she talks bout sex with u, it feels uncomfortable to her like she is committing incest. If she refuses to communicate and listen to what is bothering u, and you have done all u can... Well the only way is out. Tell her straight up what u feel, write it in a letter if she refuses to talk. Tell her u want a seperation. This will alert her that things aren't all fine and dandy. Like I said communication is key, but if one sucks at communicating, it might as well be a ever lasting Head butting which will lead no where

[IndiReloaded]

Phil , I'm sorry to say this but if your interactions with your wife are even a fraction of how nasty and frustrated you are here, then you are as much of the problem (and possibly more) as your wife. It *is* possible to beat down a sensitive spouse and make them depressed from lack of empathy.

I know you want to pin it all on her being a homebody, etc. but, really, if I were your wife I probably wouldn't want to go out with you either. And I'm very sociable. I'm not trolling you, just giving you honest feedback. I know its the internet and you are expressing yourself, but your kind of attitude... transmits.. even when you think it doesn't. Also, stop posting about your lack of cheating. You sound like you expect a medal for it. Your wife didn't cheat either. Plus, there are many other, far more destructive ways to kill a marriage than just cheating.

You complain noone has given you meaningful suggestions. Here's one (perhaps a echo in here?): Tell her everything you've posted here. Say you are seriously considering divorce if you can't find a way to meet each others needs. Lay it all out. Radical honesty. What on earth do you have to lose at this point?

Try not to yell this at her, or be passive-aggressive about it. Or patronizing (yes, this is all in the tone of your posts). Try something completely different: humble and sincere. Make her understand you *want* your marriage to work, and that its killing you to have it come to this. Assuming you feel this way. If not, then for goodness sake, man up and put each other out of your respective misery. If she's too depressed to help, do it for her. You don't really WANT to be an asshole, do you?

[IndiReloaded]

Tell her u want a seperation. This will alert her that things aren't all fine and dandy. Like I said communication is key, but if one sucks at communicating, it might as well be a ever lasting Head butting which will lead no where

Actually, I like this idea even better. Have you heard of 'healing separation'? This might be a less aggressive solution than demanding divorce.

http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Agreements.pdf

[ashly]

I also agree with ttylox your wife is unhappy because you lack a sense of humor and the ability to unclench.

[haxan]

Lol...this post has become crazy! OP - you can't seduce your wife anymore bc something or many something's about your personality are turning her off. You do not stimulate her mentally or emotionally end of story.

Maple, you are a great poster. A few touched on it, it isn't that hard to see. Even though people believe the internet is a shield, it doesn't take more than a few posts for a clever person to profile someone's personality. If I ran into this OP's wife, I'd give her a purple heart for hanging in with this obnoxious boor for as long as she has. Kind of apropos that he can't figure out why she's completely shut down and cut off from him.

Tattoo? Pics or it didn't happen

[bebaba]

One more massive push in your marriage, like Wakeup suggests. Forget about the new girl and your new young mates and try once more.

If it doesn't change anything then you must suggest a divorce. Yes we all wish that marriage was for life but it's not any more. Everyone is out there for themselves nowadays, however sad and nasty the thought.

Make your daughter your priority in life if you leave.

[Phil Davies]

You complain noone has given you meaningful suggestions.

Not true, I've said numerous times I've gotten great advice here. Harsh truths. Needed direction. I just had to deal with some trolls to get it.

You don't really WANT to be an asshole, do you?

On the internet? Of course.

[Phil Davies]

Actually, I like this idea even better. Have you heard of 'healing separation'? This might be a less aggressive solution than demanding divorce.

http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Agreements.pdf

Great read but this ...

Goals of Our Healing Separation:
Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:
• To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so I can
enhance my personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.
• To better identify my needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.
• To help me explore what my basic relationship needs are and to help me
determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.
• To experience the social, sexual, economic, and parental stresses which can occur
when I have separated from my partner.
• To allow me to determine if I can work through my process better apart than I can
in the relationship.
• To experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues, which
have become convoluted and mixed up together with my partners’ issues in our
relationship.
• To provide an environment to help our relationship heal, transform, and evolve
into a more loving and healthy relationship.

... really does come off as a slick, well written excuse as a hall pass for ass. Definitely written by a dude. lol

[Phil Davies]

I also agree with ttylox your wife is unhappy because you lack a sense of humor and the ability to unclench.

Let's not get crazy, now. I'm on the internet with strangers message boarding about my marriage and family falling apart, this isn't standup comedy time.

But a good point nonetheless, best to clarify. *In real life* my sense of humor is probably my best trait next to my face, body, penis, money, cars, charm, personality, intelligence and compassion.

[Maple1714]

OP - why does your wife not want to sleep with you? What does she say when you 2 have discussed this? She must feel very emotionally disconnected. How can she be happy in this situation? You should separate for a while maybe? You should go live in an apartment and see what it feels like to be alone. Have sex with whomever...maybe your wife will do the same? Then determine you can both determine if you want to keep working at your marriage/relationship or if you want to go out and start over with someone new.

The ONLY way in life to figure out if you really want something is to try it. So you have to try being separated or else you may always wonder. I think that any child will grow up to understand why their parents made certain choices as long as you include them in your thought process (to a point of course) and do not neglect them.

Haxan - thanks. I also suggested the separation like Indi and BC earlier too but no one noticed :/ I did get a very large tattoo! But, that was 2 weeks ago and I can't post a pic b/c of the location...hehe. It's really beautiful though!! Only half complete. It's my first one and I sat for 8 hours. Pretty cool experience...

[Phil Davies]

I've heard great arguments on a separation both ways here. I'm a proponent of absence making the heart grow fonder, rediscovering yourself, and all that bullshit. However, the counterpoint that someone brought up is ... what will really change? I get to go out even more and have fun, she'll stay home and do even less. I'm nervous that a trial separation will give me a false sense of excitement and security because in the back of my mind I know she's waiting for me. So i'll go get hammered and meet "chippys" maybe fall in love with the single life. What happens then? I realize I want to leave her ... then I do ... what if I realize I made a huge mistake once the honeymoon phase of the single life is over?

So as intriguing as it sounds, a separation kind of scares me. And it would be even more unfair to her.

[Wakeup]

what will really change? I get to go out even more and have fun, she'll stay home and do even less.

Another reason why yet another suggestion just won't work or that you're too frightened to implement. "She'll stay home and do even less." That's some crystal ball you've got there, sport.

You do know that when women get away from men who have made them "not want to go out" that they usually end up having one heck of a good time with someone new, right? Remember how you two were when you first pulled her. Well that's what someone new will be able to make her feel again. Her friends/family will drag her out there and she will rediscover herself once again. We've all seen it happen.

And it would be even more unfair to her.

That's your opinion. You haven't even discussed it with her. Just how narcissistic and self-absorbed about this are you going to continue to be with her?
She is the other half of this dilemma. Without her input, you'll never do anything except be afraid to leave, continue to hang with your homeys and ... "infidelity Imminent" This it what I see in my crystal ball: Since you've revealed that you are strongly ego driven and you get a lot of your self-worth through your ability to pull, your ego will only take so much of a beating before you go ahead and cave to the imminence.

[Maple1714]

I've heard great arguments on a separation both ways here. I'm a proponent of absence making the heart grow fonder, rediscovering yourself, and all that bullshit. However, the counterpoint that someone brought up is ... what will really change? I get to go out even more and have fun, she'll stay home and do even less. I'm nervous that a trial separation will give me a false sense of excitement and security because in the back of my mind I know she's waiting for me. So i'll go get hammered and meet "chippys" maybe fall in love with the single life. What happens then? I realize I want to leave her ... then I do ... what if I realize I made a huge mistake once the honeymoon phase of the single life is over?

So as intriguing as it sounds, a separation kind of scares me. And it would be even more unfair to her.

Always 2 sides to everything....you gotta do something though and not sit around and wonder and think so much. Action works best. You don't know what will happen if you separate. Don't you think life has a funny way of surprising us? Have faith in yourself! Maybe your wife will surprise you too???

[Phil Davies]

Another reason why yet another suggestion just won't work or that you're too frightened to implement. "She'll stay home and do even less." That's some crystal ball you've got there, sport.

You do know that when women get away from men who have made them "not want to go out" that they usually end up having one heck of a good time with someone new, right? Remember how you two were when you first pulled her. Well that's what someone new will be able to make her feel again. Her friends/family will drag her out there and she will rediscover herself once again. We've all seen it happen.

That's your opinion. You haven't even discussed it with her. Just how narcissistic and self-absorbed about this are you going to continue to be with her?
She is the other half of this dilemma. Without her input, you'll never do anything except be afraid to leave, continue to hang with your homeys and ... "infidelity Imminent" This it what I see in my crystal ball: Since you've revealed that you are strongly ego driven and you get a lot of your self-worth through your ability to pull, your ego will only take so much of a beating before you go ahead and cave to the imminence.

once again you should take off your judgmental rose tinted glasses and put on your reading glasses. I've tried to talk to her about this, she avoids the confrontation. She literally doesn't believe that I'd ever leave or cheat on her. I'm sure an internet psuedo-psychologist like you knows that in this dynamic ... with a Type A asshole (ie me) and a meek, passive partner it ends up being me talking AT her instead of TO her.

Instead of telling me what a narcissistic asshole I am, why don't you tell me the best way to talk to someone who clams up. and don't tell me to pack the overnight bacgs and whisk her away to the Bahamas, it has to be practical. In truth, I value your response here because clearly you've managed to piss off your poor soul of a husband at least a few hundred times in 30 years, he must have the patience of a ****ing saint.

[Wakeup]

once again you should take off your judgmental rose tinted glasses and put on your reading glasses. I've tried to talk to her about this, she avoids the confrontation.

You have not told her you want to separate. You have not told her you spent 12 hours being ego stroked (and god knows where else) by another woman because you feel undervalued and bored with her. You have not told her what you've so candidly told us here. I suggest you take off your denial glasses and stop turning things around on those that give you a suggestion.

She literally doesn't believe that I'd ever leave or cheat on her. I'm sure an internet psuedo-psychologist like you knows that in this dynamic ... with a Type A asshole (ie me) and a meek, passive partner it ends up being me talking AT her instead of TO her.

Oh you narcissistic snipe you. You don't see why you should tell her how bad it is or that you don't tell her you've connected to another woman however? She doesn't believe you'd cheat. That is why you enable her to be this passive little mouse you've come to hate. You enable her to be that person. Hello... she doesn't believe you'd cheat. She needs to understand that you will so that she stops taking you for granted. Stop being so vague with her. Many people have told you this already. She doesn't get. Make it so she does and quit enabling her to be who she is.

Instead of telling me what a narcissistic asshole I am, why don't you tell me the best way to talk to someone who clams up.

How many times have I and others told you that you need to be honest with her and to quit enabling her to be who she is. You are so bad for her at this point that I now truly believe that she would be far better off without you.

and don't tell me to pack the overnight bacgs and whisk her away to the Bahamas, it has to be practical.

Too late for that now that you've revealed more about the dynamics of how you've handled the unresolved issues in your union.

In truth, I value your response here because clearly you've managed to piss off your poor soul of a husband at least a few hundred times in 30 years, he must have the patience of a ****ing saint.

I hold a mirror up to you, sport and you don't like it. This is not about me so quit being NPD and stop trying to turn it around so that I look like I've got a marriage problem to make your's look less ugly.

The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder can be similar to the traits of individuals with strong self-esteem and confidence; differentiation occurs when the underlying psychological structures of these traits are considered pathological. Narcissists have such an elevated sense of self-worth that they value themselves as inherently better than others. Yet, they have a fragile self-esteem and cannot handle criticism, and will often try to compensate for this inner fragility by belittling or disparaging others in an attempt to validate their own self-worth. It is this sadistic tendency that is characteristic of narcissism