Advice giver needs advice: infidelity imminent

[Phil Davies]

I pride myself on being a relationship know-it-all so this is a bit ironical. I also have extensive sexual experience although its been a while since I was a deviantly skilled pickup artist. So I've been extremely introspective lately and it took a lot to get here. I also can't really talk to anyone in the real world because of the nature of this issue so here goes ...

I'm 37 with a wife of 8 years and a 6 year old daughter. Im in virtually a sexless marriage, the passion has been long gone and I've been hanging out with some younger guys, filling that void by partying and flirting with younger women. It sounds worse than it is. I was the unattainable married guy and turned down advances, again, just liked the attention. Its been pretty harmless up until recently where I hooked up with someone I had a great connection with (no sex). First time I *cheated* in 12 years. It wasn't just this one girl, its been a long time coming. My wife and I have talked about our unhappiness and went to couples counseling but her intimacy issues aren't going to change. My desire to get that sort of attention isn't going to change so somethings got to give.

I know it sounds like I'm being a selfish asshole here but let me say I've been a good husband, great father, ultimate provider and 100% faithful up until this point. I don't know if being socially castrated and ignored sexually is enough of an excuse to stray but the longer this goes on, the more comfortable I get with it.

I don't know if I'd be happier or miserable without her but I can't imagine life is all about struggling just to be content. I don't want to wake up at 50 and realize I wasted half my life being unhappy. Obviously the financial aspect of this and the damage it will do to our daughter is the real issue. So is my happiness worth the damage it can do to all three of us? or should I just shut up, honor my commitments and be unhappy?

[VincenzoG91]

You really tried to make your marriage work. Your daughter is going to be damaged either way, by the divorce or by growing up with parents who don't love each other anymore and are only staying together for her sake. You should end this marriage and get on with your life. You can still be a good father to your daughter without staying in an unhappy marriage. But if you stay married and then cheat on your wife, that could potentially have a negative impact on your daughter.

[Phil Davies]

Yeah but at what point do you look at yourself and say shit, I made all my own decisions, I took a vow ... I wanted this life and just because it didn't turn out great I can't just throw it away and reset at the expense of other people I care about.

It just seems selfish to me.

But then I realize I'm going to die someday. And maybe none of it matters except how much I enjoyed myself (I'm not a spiritual person to say the least). So I wrestle with this all the time.

[ttylox]

It sounds worse than it is.

No it doesn't, it sounds like you're a deprived married guy who wants attention.

First time I *cheated* in 12 years.

So you already cheated.

but her intimacy issues aren't going to change.

What's it like being a fortune teller? Can you tell me when my UPS package is going to be here? I've been waiting for two weeks with no tracking update.

So is my happiness worth the damage it can do to all three of us?

No.

Why are you even here asking this? You already know the answer. You're going to **** up your life so that you can run around and get your dick wet for a while until you realize how painfully lonely your life is without your family. It's so typical it's comical. Step back and look at yourself... strip your emotional baggage from the situation - all the things you think make your situation different than the millions of others just like it... now what do you see? I see a midlife crisis. And a disappointed teenage daughter in your future that resents you because you pussed out when life got tough.

Living life as a hedonist has it's downfalls. Real, lasting, meaningful rewards come from hard work and sacrifice.

[Wakeup]

I pride myself on being a relationship know-it-all so this is a bit ironical. I also have extensive sexual experience although its been a while since I was a deviantly skilled pickup artist. So I've been extremely introspective lately and it took a lot to get here. I also can't really talk to anyone in the real world because of the nature of this issue so here goes ...

I'm 37 with a wife of 8 years and a 6 year old daughter. Im in virtually a sexless marriage, the passion has been long gone and I've been hanging out with some younger guys, filling that void by partying and flirting with younger women. It sounds worse than it is. I was the unattainable married guy and turned down advances, again, just liked the attention. Its been pretty harmless up until recently where I hooked up with someone I had a great connection with (no sex). First time I *cheated* in 12 years. It wasn't just this one girl, its been a long time coming. My wife and I have talked about our unhappiness and went to couples counseling but her intimacy issues aren't going to change. My desire to get that sort of attention isn't going to change so somethings got to give.

I know it sounds like I'm being a selfish asshole here but let me say I've been a good husband, great father, ultimate provider and 100% faithful up until this point. I don't know if being socially castrated and ignored sexually is enough of an excuse to stray but the longer this goes on, the more comfortable I get with it.

I don't know if I'd be happier or miserable without her but I can't imagine life is all about struggling just to be content. I don't want to wake up at 50 and realize I wasted half my life being unhappy. Obviously the financial aspect of this and the damage it will do to our daughter is the real issue. So is my happiness worth the damage it can do to all three of us? or should I just shut up, honor my commitments and be unhappy?

You say you've been to marriage councelling but you don't elaborate on that. What is the reason why you two can't reconnect the emotional disconnection? When the emotional is disconnected it usually always follows that so does the sexual.

Have you been putting in as much effort with your wife as you have been with your younger bros and this new "connection" you talk about but she's ('she' being your wife) not been responsive? .. or .. Are you just giving up because it's so much easier to get that thrill from the attentions of strange without having to put much effort in?

You've already cheated once in your young life although not on the current Mrs. On her you're emotionally cheating (so far) which is just as bad ~ some say worse because you're hearts involved and it's not about the sex.

What's up with you? Have you tried personal therapy?

[Love'sReject]

I can't believe this guy gives advice. Says he's a know-it-all, to top it off.. LOL

[dem862]

You want people to condone your cheating on your wife? Eww. Make your decision and live with it. In all fairness, she deserves the opportunity to dump your unfaithful ass too. Maybe she would like to be romanced by a man she respects and turns her on. Doesn't she deserve that too. Or is it only your happiness that matters in your marriage?

[Phil Davies]

No it doesn't, it sounds like you're a deprived married guy who wants attention.

Great, so its not that bad?

So you already cheated.

No, we've been together for 12 years and I've never cheated.

What's it like being a fortune teller? Can you tell me when my UPS package is going to be here? I've been waiting for two weeks with no tracking update.

Maybe you if you followed that package around for oh I don't know TWELVE YEARS you might have a good idea of whether or not its gonna arrive.

Why are you even here asking this? You already know the answer. You're going to **** up your life so that you can run around and get your dick wet for a while until you realize how painfully lonely your life is without your family. It's so typical it's comical. Step back and look at yourself... strip your emotional baggage from the situation - all the things you think make your situation different than the millions of others just like it... now what do you see? I see a midlife crisis. And a disappointed teenage daughter in your future that resents you because you pussed out when life got tough.

Living life as a hedonist has it's downfalls. Real, lasting, meaningful rewards come from hard work and sacrifice.

Look, clearly you've been cheated on and I get the kneejerk frustration here by many. Trust me, up until recently I'd lambast a jackass for trying to justify infidelity. I could have cheated and I haven't ... and I don't consider myself a hero because of it. But I'm trying to be a realist here, the point the first dude got across is the best one so far ... if we're both miserable ... AND our kid is probably gonna figure it out eventually and not be too thrilled with her parents treating each other like a comedic duo in a bad cop movie then maybe its best for all 3 of we end it now. Theres a reset (confusing), a recovery (painful) and then the rest of our lives (TBD).

And the reason I'm asking this question here, amongst internet strangers is because Its probably not in best form to ask my brother-in-law how he feels about me divorcing his sister. The only way to deliver this honestly and get unbiased advice is in a place like this amid some level of anonymity. If you're some keyboard warrior looking for snide laughs at the expense of my curiosity at least come with something a bit more entertaining.

[Phil Davies]

You say you've been to marriage councelling but you don't elaborate on that. What is the reason why you two can't reconnect the emotional disconnection? When the emotional is disconnected it usually always follows that so does the sexual.

Have you been putting in as much effort with your wife as you have been with your younger bros and this new "connection" you talk about but she's ('she' being your wife) not been responsive? .. or .. Are you just giving up because it's so much easier to get that thrill from the attentions of strange without having to put much effort in?

You've already cheated once in your young life although not on the current Mrs. On her you're emotionally cheating (so far) which is just as bad ~ some say worse because you're hearts involved and it's not about the sex.

What's up with you? Have you tried personal therapy?

I'm not gonna go on the defensive here and make myself sound like Mr. Wonderful but if I'm being honest, I've gone to greater lengths than most without getting anything in return. First of all, money is not a problem. We also never fight about stupid shit or anything at all, really. I've watched countless hours of reality dancing shows, cook dinner a couple times a week, sent flowers to her work for no reason at all (how many guys do that randomly after 6 years of marriage) and I try to be affectionate with her all the time. I'm a textbook Type A, she's a big time introvert so I end up leading in every situation. Couples therapy was my idea. I've been to individual therapy but the lady creeped me out a bit I may go back for more sessions maybe with an older dude. We also talk openly about this, I'm not a sit on it and simmer type of guy, but she is so passive that it comes off like she doesn't care. Its incredibly frustrating to be a super social, very passionate person married to someone who doesn't get excited about anything in live. Its a constant drag.

Again, if I "just wanted to destroy my marriage and get my dick wet" I wouldn't be on the internet, hat in hand asking strangers for advice. I could get affirmation from the dozen or so divorced friends that are absolutely thrilled they made that decision already.

[ttylox]

You're the one who said you cheated, bro. You said "the first time I've cheated in 12 years" I took what info you gave us and gave you my opinion on the situation.

Of course you like what Vincenzo said, because he said you should take the easy way out - and that's what you want to do. But if that's what you thought was really the best solution you would have done it by now.

Thankfully, I've never been cheated on but I've got plenty of experience watching my dipshit friends leave their spouses out of boredom only to find they've ruined their chances at being an effective parent and respectable human being. Your case is not special. You are not special. You are feeling insecure about closing in on 40 and feel like if you wait any longer to chase around those skirts at the bar you'll lose your chance at reliving your 20s.

If you came here for support to leave your wife, then you got it - but you can't hate on those of us who don't agree. I'm one of those psychos that thinks marriage is a lifetime decision and when you go into it, you go into it knowing that one day sh!t might get boring, she might get fat or he might lose his job... but this is the one you chose. If you're not the type of person who can make a commitment like that, then don't do it - and certainly don't breed and bring more lives into the situation to ruin.

[Wakeup]

I'm not gonna go on the defensive here and make myself sound like Mr. Wonderful but if I'm being honest, I've gone to greater lengths than most without getting anything in return. First of all, money is not a problem. We also never fight about stupid shit or anything at all, really. I've watched countless hours of reality dancing shows, cook dinner a couple times a week, sent flowers to her work for no reason at all (how many guys do that randomly after 6 years of marriage) and I try to be affectionate with her all the time.

I'm not talking about mudane shit like watching her chick flick or buying her flowers that she now takes for granted.

I'm talking about forgetting you are parents once a month, taking her out and seducing her like you did when you were first starting to try and get into her pants. I'm talking about taking her away for an overnighter, out to dinner and then back for a jacuzzi bath together with champagne and your favourite music playing. Just the two of you, no daughter around to tend to or life's bs to distract you. I read about far too many people that stop seducing one another once the kids come on the picture.

I'm a textbook Type A, she's a big time introvert so I end up leading in every situation.

Well surely you knew that going in. No sense lamenting about it now but there is hope that you can rekindle. Thing is, you have to make it clear to her what you're contemplating doing. She doesn't seem to have a clue that you're so dis-satisfied. I wonder what is going through her head now that you're going out without her with single men and picking up 'connections?' Surely, like you, she's feeling underappreciated and not the least bit sexy or wanted.

Couples therapy was my idea.

Why did you stop going? Maybe sex therapy would be a tad more helpful?

I've been to individual therapy but the lady creeped me out a bit I may go back for more sessions maybe with an older dude.

Sometimes it takes two or more before you find one that is a kindred spirt.

We also talk openly about this, I'm not a sit on it and simmer type of guy, but she is so passive that it comes off like she doesn't care.

Have you talked openly about what you're on the verge of doing?

Its incredibly frustrating to be a super social, very passionate person married to someone who doesn't get excited about anything in live. Its a constant drag.

Well, I'm going to assume that she wasn't always like this. What happened between the two of you that left her a shell of her former self?

Again, if I "just wanted to destroy my marriage and get my dick wet" I wouldn't be on the internet, hat in hand asking strangers for advice.

I never said you were. ???

I could get affirmation from the dozen or so divorced friends that are absolutely thrilled they made that decision already.

Did these "thrilled" divorced people allow themselves to get caught up with a younger crowd to the point that they've emotionally connected with another person that is quite happy to help break up or go to bed with a married person (your new connection does know you're married, right?) or did they just get out because they were unhappy and then they did their newly single rabble rousing?

[IndiReloaded]

Yeah but at what point do you look at yourself and say shit, I made all my own decisions, I took a vow ... I wanted this life and just because it didn't turn out great I can't just throw it away and reset at the expense of other people I care about.

It just seems selfish to me.

But then I realize I'm going to die someday. And maybe none of it matters except how much I enjoyed myself (I'm not a spiritual person to say the least). So I wrestle with this all the time.

So, why don't you just tell your wife all this? Seriously, if you are contemplating divorce anyway, seems to me you have little to lose.

Try rewording your very important point but in the context of a revitalized marriage:

Yeah but at what point do you look at our marriage and say shit, we made these decisions, we took a vow ... we wanted this life and just because it didn't turn out great doesn't mean we should just throw it away and reset at the expense of each other.

But then I realize we're going to die someday. And maybe none of it matters except how much we enjoy ourselves.

Why don't you at least give your wife the option of moving forward happy, together? It really is 99% in our heads. Which means, if you *both* want, you can have a great marriage.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Separate from your wife asap. Get the divorce started asap. Bang your new girlfriend asap.

Your marriage has been over for a while. Put it out of its misery. I personally think you should sleep with your new girl before separating from your wife, out of spite. She obviously doesn't care anyway, so you shouldn't deprive yourself.

[Phil Davies]

You're the one who said you cheated, bro. You said "the first time I've cheated in 12 years" I took what info you gave us and gave you my opinion on the situation.

Of course you like what Vincenzo said, because he said you should take the easy way out - and that's what you want to do. But if that's what you thought was really the best solution you would have done it by now.

Thankfully, I've never been cheated on but I've got plenty of experience watching my dipshit friends leave their spouses out of boredom only to find they've ruined their chances at being an effective parent and respectable human being. Your case is not special. You are not special. You are feeling insecure about closing in on 40 and feel like if you wait any longer to chase around those skirts at the bar you'll lose your chance at reliving your 20s.

If you came here for support to leave your wife, then you got it - but you can't hate on those of us who don't agree. I'm one of those psychos that thinks marriage is a lifetime decision and when you go into it, you go into it knowing that one day sh!t might get boring, she might get fat or he might lose his job... but this is the one you chose. If you're not the type of person who can make a commitment like that, then don't do it - and certainly don't breed and bring more lives into the situation to ruin.

I never said I cheated, you read that wrong. "First time I've cheated in 12 years" meant we've been together for 12 years and its the first time I cheated.

Although thats semantics at this point, "bro". And you sound like you're what, in your mid 20's? I think its hilarious you're lecturing a 37 year old about long term commitment and a midlife crisis, thats usually easier to dismiss when you're just a kid. I know because I used to be that guy. I can tell by your casual comedy and dismissive nature that you've never had your whimsical diatribe tested in any real capacity. When it happens, you'll have real perspective.

[ttylox]

I never said I cheated, you read that wrong. "First time I've cheated in 12 years" meant we've been together for 12 years and its the first time I cheated.

Although thats semantics at this point, "bro". And you sound like you're what, in your mid 20's? I think its hilarious you're lecturing a 37 year old about long term commitment and a midlife crisis, thats usually easier to dismiss when you're just a kid. I know because I used to be that guy. I can tell by your casual comedy and dismissive nature that you've never had your whimsical diatribe tested in any real capacity. When it happens, you'll have real perspective.

I'm sorry, I must have missed the part of adult orientation where they said part of growing up is becoming cynical and depressive. Quit taking yourself so seriously. Maybe your wife is unhappy because you lack a sense of humor and the ability to unclench.