Lack of Trust

[litebrite21]

I am new, but I am in desperate need of some insight or advice on my situation. We recently moved away from our friends and I really don't want to disclose this information to family. I am just lost I guess.


I've been married to my husband for 2 years (together for 4). In those 4 years, we had issues with him cheating once, lying constantly, and excessive use of porn. He cheated before we were married and swore up and down he was sorry and he loved me...the usual. I never yelled at him for it, I never talked down to him for it. I listened to him and allowed him to explain. The lying started after the cheating, or maybe that is when I noticed it more. He would lie about anything and everything from conversations that never happened or emails he never sent to being friends with females (not that I even cared at that point). Then, we ran into porn. It was bad. Our sex life slowed down, he was having trouble finishing with me, he would watch porn after we had sex, he watched it at work from his phone, when it was his shift with the baby (our first son) for a few hours at a time...you get the picture. I should also add that he is in the military and deploys often; at least once a year for 6 months. My current issue is that every time he is on a deployment, he finds a "female companion" to spend time with. He swears he's never slept with anyone on his deployment, but how would I know? He is deployed now, just left 3 weeks ago for Afghanistan, and has already found a female that he works with that he has lied to me about. I happened to find out from good ole facebook that he has been looking up her profile to look at pics of her. I confronted him and he said he was sorry he was a jerk for lying about it that she is just a friend...the same things I've heard before. I asked why he wasn't looking at profiles of any of the guys he works with that he says he gets along with and he said it's easier for him to talk to women. He swears he would never sleep with her, she is just attractive and funny. So, NOW I have to worry about him working with her 6 days a week 13-14 hours a day...awesome. Oh yeah, I'm also 17 weeks pregnant with our second son. I told him today that I wanted a separation until he can figure out what he wants. He thinks I'm nuts for being upset about this incident, but given our history, I think it's best. I am obviously not fulfilling something for him and my self esteem and sanity cannot take the stress or worry anymore. Am I being nuts over this? I know I am pregnant and hormonal so I don't want to make any rash decisions..thoughts?

[kageri]

Can you tell me why people have children in relationships where there is known cheating and lying? I just don't understand. Without children this would be simple. Dump his ass. He would have come back to find his stuff in a storage unit the first time we went through the lying phase if it were me. If I can't trust my partner why would I stay with them? They are to be my friend and other half. Not a stress on my life. I think you need to get serious and tell him you are separating at least temporarily unless he gets his act together to the point you feel you can trust him and if that never happens then it's time to end it no matter how complicated that is. Sometimes it takes the true risk of losing someone to make guys come around and change and sometimes they still don't change.

[ttylox]

How does that saying go... "If you fool me once, shame on you..."

Yeah.

I have a lot of trouble being sympathetic towards someone in a shitty situation when they clearly are the ones who got themselves there. You chose this loser, you knew he was a dipshit when you married him and you knew he was a dipshit when you had your first kid... and now you're shocked that he's still a dipshit while you're pregnant with your second? Geez lady, what could we possibly tell you at this point?

Build a time machine. But while you're working on that, just quit being so surprised about all this. It's sort of like people I see stuck in traffic on I-5 every morning. Everyone in this city knows how bad the traffic is - everyone knows what time rush hour is and how long it's going to take sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on the way to work... and yet, without fail, every godamned morning, you see people pounding on their steering wheels, screaming in their cars, shaking their fists at the sky. Why are you so upset? You knew this was going to happen. You know he's a jerk. Quit wasting your energy getting upset. You have a baby inside of you to worry about and getting all stressed out and worked up is not good for it. So simmer down, learn to accept the fact that your husband is a total asshat and realize that you are the one who chose him.

Then leave. Or don't....and enjoy the fact that he's away a lot.

[litebrite21]

Thank you for your replies. I don't ask that anyone sympathize with my situation. I guess I just wanted to reassure myself that I was making a good decision for once. I know that my situation is traditionally the "why in the hell do you keep doing this?" That is why I am ready to make a change. When he said I was being crazy and irrational for being upset, I second guessed it. Getting honest feedback like this is definitely needed to help me realize that I am stupid for staying.

I suppose I was surprised that he did it again only because he seemed to be so loving before he left. He was constantly telling me how much we meant to him. He was doing everything around the house because I was ill for a little while with morning sickness. He was so excited about the new baby, even though I suggested we terminate and wait for our relationship to mend. He literally begged me not to terminate. He just made it seem like we were really working on things and we were going to be okay.

So, you guys are right. I am dumb, but not for that much longer. I have spent most of the day looking for a new place to live and informed him that I am sticking with my decision to leave. It's probably the hardest thing I've done in my life but I would rather be alone than with someone who takes me for granted.

[kageri]

I find it highly suspicious when guys are all about how much they love you and doing everything possible. They are either spineless worms or up to something. Normal people are slightly selfish. We all are at times. It's just human. So that behavior is a red flag.