Anyone got any thoughts on this?

[ocean]

MY girlfriend of two and a half years recently bailed out on me, found thei forum and thought it would help me out to get things written down, so if youre not up for another 'just got dumped' story turn away now. We started going out when i was 21, she was 17 and in her last year of highschool. I surf and she had been secretly checking me out for ages at the beach and when i was driving round. I met her a year or so later and we started going out. She initially was interested in me because she thought i was hot, but then really fell in love with me for everything i was into, like walking for ages along the coast chillin out, being really into the environment, surfing, being creative. We were really happy for about 6 months until i started pushing her away when i realised i was falling in love, scared of getting hurt if we ever broke up. i was going out by myself a lot, pushing her away, until i realised i might lose her and i pulled my head in.

Everything was cool for another 8 months or so until she had just started her art course, was stressing out about it and her grandma just died. i was really supprtive of her but she was acting really weird, saying she didnt know who she was anymore. She started pushing me away, going out heaps with her friends. She lied to me one night, said she was going to bed (we didnt live together). I called later on that night and her mum told me she had gone out. I went to the nightclub where she was at and waited for her to come out. when she did i tried to talk to her and she told me that she didnt want to be with me anymore, that she had changed, that i was an arsehole. I took all her things from my house the next day and dropped them off to her to say goodbye, and she was crying and said she didnt want to lose me, that she didnt mean what she had said. She pleaded with me for ages until i decided to give it another chance, mainly because i had been mean to her in the past and she had forgiven me.

Everything was cool for another year or so. We had bad times every now and then, but mostly good times, like most relationships. We would go on trips down the coast heaps, she taught me how to make shell jewellery, i was really good at it and i started selling it at markets. I was always making things for her, like jewellery, jewellery racks out of driftwood, little cards and things to show her how much i loved her. Throughout thr relationship i felt like i was showing her how much i loved her heaps more than what she showed me. Anyway, we started having a few arguments in october last year, we wanted to move in together and she said she wanted to, but then when we started looking for a place she pulled out on the idea and i got upset/angry. we started talking a bit about future dreams and how we could still do everything we wanted to do personally, and stay together, but that we might have to compromise on some things. We went to bali for a month i december, had the best time. She said when we got back that it was the best thing for us and that she loved me more than ever.

Then everything went downhill. She started being obsessed with losing weight, she wasnt fat at all, started exercising heaps, not eating. She lost 16 kilos in 4 weeks, from 66 to 50, and was looking very skinny. All the things we used to do together that made us happy, she wasnt interested in doing much anymore. Basically she was showing me in so many little signs that she was unhappy with us. We'd go for a walk at the beach and she would start walking ten feet in front of me, for example. I was still doing heaps to show her how much i loved her, she wasnt doing much to show how happy she was with me. She started being friends with an older woman from her course, who wasnt happy with her marriage. This woman became attached to my girlfriend, taking her out for lunch all the time, to her house for dinner and movies. then she was approached by a local modelling agency to do some modelling. She told me about it and i wasnt overly happy, because i saw it as just another sign of her moving away from me. We started having bad times because i was angry at her for not showing me much love, and she was becoming more and more interested in other things. She started getting angry at me for really trivial things, like i didnt get her the right easter egg at easter! I made her a card two weeks before she dumped me that listed all the things i really loved (surfing,beaches, etc), and underneath said 'all of these things i really love but not as much as i love you'. I gave it to her with her favourite bands new cd. She was stoked as when i gave it to her, but i could see that she was reluctant to open the card. She did after 10 or so minutes when i asked her to and she started crying and said how much she loved me, she was so happy, and also that she didnt deserve some1 like me.

Anyway, a week after that she stayed at my house for a week over the holidays, she was still getting angry with me over nothing and we had a big fight. (By the way, starting about a month after we got back from bali, she wasnt getting 'turned on' when we tried to have sex much). She ended up going back to her prents house for the rest of the holidays, said she just wanted to be with her family for a few days and watch dvds. I was cool with that. we spoke every day for the next 3 days and things seemed good. One night she called at 9pm and said she had been feeling sick all day and wanted to talk to me b4 she went to bed. She said she'd call me as soon as she got up in the morning. Next day she hadnt called so i called her house at 9am, and was told that she went out the night b4 and stayed at a friends house. She then called half an hour later from her house, not knowing that i knew she had gone out, and i asked how she was, she said ok. i then asked where she had been and she replied 'nowhere', until she realised i knew and then told me she wanted to breakup, that she wanted some1 new, didnt find me sexually attractive anymore and that i had treated her like shit for ages in our relationship, and that she never really forgave me for when i was mean to her at the start of us going out.

Its been a month now and i havnt heard from her, im starting to get over it. Part of me hates her, part of me wants her back still. Would like to know what people think of this and when will i stop thinking about it all? Im probably thinking about it 75% of the time and want to stop. It kills me heaps that she said i was really mean to her all the time when lots of people, even her friends used to say how good i was to her. Anyway, stoked to hear anyones thoughts on it and even more stoked to get that all off my chest! Thanx heaps.

[inkeepingsecret]

First of all, sorry bro. Honestly, I dont think she bullshi+ing when she said you were mean to her. Your friends would have no idea how you really treated her. Just from reading this thread, I got the impression that you verbally abused her. A person can only take it for so long until they find a way out. Im thinking she does/did love you at one point, but that isnt enough sometime, but she isnt "in love" with you anymore. Again, this is just my opinion.

It looks like a bunch of times you gave her crap for not recipricating her love. That sort of thing gets old real quick. I dont think you ever trusted this girl, and as you may know, trust is basically the most important aspect of a relationship. You need to work on some things man.

In regards to getting over her, it varies with each situation. My advice, keep busy, go out with friends, work on yourself. For myself, my ex and I have been broking up for 7 months. Initially, i was a wreck, but over time i started to feel ok. I still think about her a bit, but not in the same way. I dont think about her nearly as much. I think i will always love her, but maybe jsut because she was my first love. But at the same time im happier without her, and what happened was the best thing for me.

In time things will start to make send, but in the meantime, keep busy.

Oh yeah - going out and being a man-whore may feel like a good way to get your mind off her, but sometimes it makes you feel worse. Try and be yourself.

[ocean]

I know what your saying, and to some extent i agree with you that i reacted to things the wrong way. I'm not saying i was without faults. I guess its hard to fully understand a situation unless your in it though. A few times in the relationship i did get upset/angry with her because i felt like i was giving so much and not getting the same back in return. I felt like i was taken for granted. It starts to get to you if your being so good to someone and get the impression that they dont fully value it. I used to do everything for her, she was the most important thing in my life, i treated her like a queen, perhaps because she was my first real girlfriend i put to much into it, and felt like she should be doing as much for me?

[inkeepingsecret]

I know what your saying, and to some extent i agree with you that i reacted to things the wrong way. I'm not saying i was without faults. I guess its hard to fully understand a situation unless your in it though. A few times in the relationship i did get upset/angry with her because i felt like i was giving so much and not getting the same back in return. I felt like i was taken for granted. It starts to get to you if your being so good to someone and get the impression that they dont fully value it. I used to do everything for her, she was the most important thing in my life, i treated her like a queen, perhaps because she was my first real girlfriend i put to much into it, and felt like she should be doing as much for me?

Exactly!!! What was your guys situation? was she in college? were you? This also factors into a relationship. Maybe her situation wouldnt allow her to put as much into the realtionship??? Therefore, leading her to get frustrated, and by having to hear it from you day in and day out, she maybe had no choice. Were you emotionally dependant on this person? Did you find yourself doing or saying stupid things just to see how she reacts? If you did, i've been there man. Some women dont need to be treated like a queen bro, you may think you are, but you might be smothering them. If she feels smothered she wont be happy. It looks like you were lacking some confidence, which is unattractive to a girl.

After my break up, i have been seeing a few girls. Its funny how much more they are into you when you are complelty independant, confident and not all over them. As soon as I meet them i tell them im not a fan or relationships, commitements, and it seems llike they get more attracted to me. I dont say this to play some sort of game, its the truth, but its funny that i tell them that up front, and they bug me about commiting to them. Man, im sounding like a real jerk-off.

[ocean]

I wasnt emotionally dependent on her, i got a lot out of the relationship that made me feel more confident though. She always wanted to spend time with me, she hardly ever wanted to be anywhere else than with me. I guess because we spent so much time together, that we both became dependent on each other to an extent. When we started going out i was very dependent, she was 17 and probably lacking in self confidence a little. I helped her in building her confidence throughout the relationship. She may have got stronger in herself by having someone who really loved her and made her feel special. that may have been a big thing that she was getting out of the relationship. And when she got offered the modelling job recently that may have built on her confidence even more to a point where she was fully independent and confident that she didnt need to get confidence from the relationship. Thats cool as for her, but maybe a big part of what she got out of the relationship was missing now and she didnt need me as much anymore. The fact that she is still only 19 and she has been with the same guy for 2 1/2years may have something to do with it too. For me, i guess instead of staying independent, because she became such a large part of my life, i in a way became more dependent on her. If she was feeling unhappy about something personally, that would make me unhappy, especially if i was trying to help her feel better and it wasnt working. Its a fine line between loving someone so much, (wanting spend time together all the time because both of you are having so much fun together), and smothering them. Its hard because she always wanted to spend time with me. Im definately not up for another relationship just yet, so maybe in the future i can use your quote 'im not a fan of relationships/committments'!

[inkeepingsecret]

yep, that quote works wonders. Immediatley, they think to themselves, "why is he saying this." "He wouldnt want to commit to me? why not?" Then they become more interested, intrigued. One of the downsides is that sex isnt nearly as good as it was before. Its like night and day. In any case, taking things slowly is the way to go with anything new. You need to figure some things out on your own for awile. Good luck man, and keep your chin up!

[ocean]

Thanx for your help mate, helped me to realise some things i can stop from happening in future relationships. But by no means am i going to change the majority of how i conduct myself in future relationships. I beat myself up for a day or two when i understood where i went wrong, but aside from that i am very proud of how i was with my ex, showed me how much i have to offer. And breaking up, and looking back, has taught me a lesson in areas i need to improve. No1 is perfect though, and my ex had faults also that contributed to the breakup. I guess its all about living and learning, maybe this little lesson has prevented me from ****ing up a relationship in the future with a girl that is more on my wavelength.