How do you "date" without "attraction"?

[Indestructible]

I guess I'm a bit of an odd guy. "Attraction" doesn't seem to work for me the way it does a normal person. I've never been the type that sees a "pretty girl" and thinks "Ooh, I want to go out with her!". The only girls I've ever been "attracted" to and wanted date (and this is a very small handful of girls, by the way) have been girls I got to know first. Of course, nothing ever ends up happening with those girls, for one reason or another.

This makes things a bit... frustrating, because I rarely become "attracted" to any girls, and on the rare occasion that I do, it's apparently not mutual; that means that I pretty much just don't date at all. People say you just have to keep asking girls out until you find one that works out, but I just can't do that...

I mean, I wouldn't say I have problems talking to girls at all. I'm not particularly "shy" or "nervous" when it comes to girls (I'm a bit reserved around new people in general, but that typically goes away with a little time). I just... I can't see any value in asking out girls that I don't (yet) feel any kind of "attraction" towards. It just doesn't make sense to me.

[iamaninnocentma]

You sound a bit faggy man. Try a gay bar, and see if they give you an itch in the ditch.

[Indestructible]

Oh thank you, how very constructive. </sarcasm>

[Love'sReject]

I see you've met the village idiot.

[VincenzoG91]

Is this a problem of standards? Are you only attracted to super beautiful unobtainable models and actresses?

The best time to ask a woman out is as soon as possible after you notice that you're attracted to her. Asking a woman out when you're not even attracted to her sounds really weird. Why bother? Seriously. What positive thing do you expect could happen from dating a woman that you find unattractive?

[VincenzoG91]

Maybe you're getting friendzoned, because you aren't hitting on these women until after you get to know them for a while, and by that point they only see you as a friend.

[Indestructible]

Is this a problem of standards? Are you only attracted to super beautiful unobtainable models and actresses?

Not at all. Heck, I fell pretty hard for the last girl I was into, and she was by no means a "super model" type. Not to say I didn't find her physically attractive, because I did, but it wasn't like I was some disgusting troll going after this gorgeous woman. I'm really not all that concerned with looks. If I'm being completely honest (and this might sound bizarre), I don't even pay attention to looks until I've decided I'm attracted to a girl for who she is.

Asking a woman out when you're not even attracted to her sounds really weird. Why bother? Seriously. What positive thing do you expect could happen from dating a woman that you find unattractive?

That's how I feel, yeah. But again, for me, "attraction" takes time to appear. For me, it can take months. I don't... really have much control over it. Sometimes something just catches my interest in a girl after I've known her for a while, and it just "clicks" with me.

So, how am I supposed to just go ask out a bunch of girls when I don't know any of them well enough to know if I'm "attracted" to them or not. See my conundrum?

Maybe you're getting friendzoned, because you aren't hitting on these women until after you get to know them for a while, and by that point they only see you as a friend.

I dunno. Personally, I subscribe to the belief that the "friend zone" is avoidable. I don't really see "time" as the only factor when it comes to whether or not someone gets "friend zoned". I think you're more likely to fall into the "friend zone" if you bend over backwards for a girl before you've even let her know how you really feel, yanno? I keep a certain "distance" from people (emotionally), in general. I don't go all "gaga" over girls, and for the most part, I stay a bit detached. Not specifically to "avoid the friend zone", but that's just how I am. Once I figure out I'm attracted to someone, though, I... er... "attach" (?), and make my feelings/ intentions clear.

[sadie_genie]

I really don't like it when guys wait really long to ask me out. I might like him in the beginning but if he seemed more interested in being friends with me, I friendzone him and then that attraction I had for him in the beginning will likely disappear forever or very hard to get back. For example, there is this guyfriend I have. We talk alot, we've known each other for years, share the same circle of friends. He is a great catch (not bad looking, good educational background, has a good job, good sense of humour, we get along really well). I had a crush on him when I first met him. But then, after dropping some hints and him not taking the bait, I thought he isn't interested, so I friendzone him. Now, that he knows I am single, he is showing more obvious signs he likes me. For example, emphasizing that we share the same core values (like having a family, marriage, etc) and asking me to go on vacation with him and such. I should be excited about this right? But, instead I feel really uncomfortable.

[bcgirl]

well personality plays a big role in attraction. I've met some physically attractive guys but when they opened their mouths, i was totally turned off and not attracted to them anymore. Or vice versa, some 6/10 guys who have great personalities will appear an 9/10 for me. Although i must say i lucked out. My hubby is definitely a 10/10 in looks and that's what attracted me to him in the first place, thank goodness when he opened his mouth he wasn't another dumb jock.

Is this a problem of standards? Are you only attracted to super beautiful unobtainable models and actresses?

I do have a guy friend who has this issue. He refuses to be serious with any girl that is not at least a 10/10 in looks. He refuses to date a girl who doesn't wear stilettos at all time. He's never had a serious gf in his entire life. Go figure. He is in his almost in his mid 30's. Pathetic.

[Indestructible]

I really don't like it when guys wait really long to ask me out. I might like him in the beginning but if he seemed more interested in being friends with me, I friendzone him and then that attraction I had for him in the beginning will likely disappear forever or very hard to get back. For example, there is this guyfriend I have. We talk alot, we've known each other for years, share the same circle of friends. He is a great catch (not bad looking, good educational background, has a good job, good sense of humour, we get along really well). I had a crush on him when I first met him. But then, after dropping some hints and him not taking the bait, I thought he isn't interested, so I friendzone him. Now, that he knows I am single, he is showing more obvious signs he likes me. For example, emphasizing that we share the same core values (like having a family, marriage, etc) and asking me to go on vacation with him and such. I should be excited about this right? But, instead I feel really uncomfortable.

Well... Okay, well, with the last girl I fell for, I had known her for over a year. For the most part, we hadn't gotten super close. Over the summer, it seemed like she took an interest in me, and was trying to get to know me better. I started opening up more to her, and reciprocating interest, and then the attraction "clicked" for me. It took me a few weeks of this, but I finally asked her out, and while she wasn't shocked or anything that I asked her, she couldn't answer me right away. When I saw her again a couple weeks later, she talked with me about it and ultimately had to say no. Anyway, I don't really feel like I got turned down because I was "friend zoned", I just got turned down for reasons I guess I'll never truly know.

[Serenityriley]

you like to get to know people, there is nothing wrong with that.. you like to know what type of people they are, and what makes them click. I think that's very respectable and admirable, most men should be like you, alot of girls don't like guys they have to get to know not all girls,most girls like the spontaneous temperament e.g where a man will pick them up at a bar and go home and sleep with them and no talking or getting to know is necessary, unless the sex was good, mostly men don't like that easy approach but will do it anyway, (they dont like as it makes the women look sleezy so the women may not get a call back),that is not about attraction its about just being a typical man and ****ing a girl because shes available. you do not have to be like this so don't you worry, if you like to become friends with girls first, then just get with a girl tell them how much you respect them and you do not want to sleep with them and wont feel attracted intill you know what they are like, because beauty is in the inside and not on the outside, that is how you feel if the girl is not willing to go along then she is not worth your time and is probley a hoe anyway, you sir have nothing to worry about you will find a perfect women just give it some time. you will find a beautiful soul to spend your life with, who you will know very deeply and your relationship and sex life will be very intense and special.

[surfhb]

None of this makes sense.

Scenario: Youre walking down the street and you see beautiful girls here and there during your day right? Those are the girls you need to ask out. Jesus Christ! LOL!

Are you saying theres no way for you to notice physical beauty unless you get to know the person? If so....jump off a bridge now

[Phil Davies]

You should never date someone you're not attracted to. [/end story]

[bcgirl]

Are there any models or actresses that you think are attractive? I mean, c'mon

[Indestructible]

None of this makes sense.

Scenario: Youre walking down the street and you see beautiful girls here and there during your day right? Those are the girls you need to ask out. Jesus Christ! LOL!

Are you saying theres no way for you to notice physical beauty unless you get to know the person? If so....jump off a bridge now

Believe it or not, yes, that's correct. I don't know what it is about me, but I just... I've never been the type that goes out looking for "physically attractive" girls. I'm much more attracted to someone I get along with well, than someone I think is "hot".

You should never date someone you're not attracted to. [/end story]

Well yes, that's my stance, but clearly there's something... off, about me and the way I find "attraction", right? I mean, it's not exactly normal for a guy in his early 20s to never have dated and have only been attracted to a handful of girls in his lifetime, right?

Are there any models or actresses that you think are attractive? I mean, c'mon

There's... a handful of actresses, sure, but even then, I didn't really "notice" them until I had seen them in roles (and even then, those were just fictional characters they were playing), or seen them in interviews or whatever.