Am i doing things wrong?

[DJ-Guvana]

Hi all, This post may go on, but thanx if you read and reply to it.

Im 20yrs old and ive been with my girlfriend for 11 months. Scince the first day we went out we havn't spent a single day without each other, the first day we met we slept in the same bed ( didnt have sex until 4 months after ) then from that day onward we lived together. We now live in a private house and are sort of settling down now, i want to marry her and i know she does to BUT there are some issues. I think im a bit of a control freak, i treat her like im her dad, and when she does something wrong i critasize her and sometimes get angry ( Not tot he extent of hitting her, id never do that ). Im so good to her , if i have £30 left in my bank ill go out and buy her something, just to make her feel that little bit extra special. I always try to make her feel special and love her but sometimes i think its only me thats putting the work in.
On days i come home from work and im tiered, but i will still try to help her and i still show her love, but when she comes home from work she goes straight upstairs, puts her dressinggown on, makes something to eat and goes to sleep, and shows me little love. When i confront her she starts crying and says shes sorry and she will try, but she dont.
Im 20 and Shes 17 ( 18 in August ), is that age difference a cause of this? She was naughty at school, never listened to her parents and always thought she could fall back on her family whenever something goes wrong. He previous boyfriends have been drug abusers, so i can see why she gets a bit scared, maybee they hit her or something, Her Mom and Family really like me and they say ive changed her for the best and got her to act more like an adult, which i tryed my best to get her to stop acting childish.
All i want is a clean slate and start working on things and building a solid foundation under us both. I love her to bits but ive also had thoughts of walking out. She isnt the enemy in this, id say i was, and id say i was a control freak, but like anyone, all i want is to be shown love back. She may be only 17 but she chose to grow up fast, she chose to get a job and buy a place with me, so really she needs to act a bit more grown up i think. Everytime i try to teach her she snaps at me and thinks im having a go at her, which maybee due to her mom. Her mom used to tell her stuff, like how to mop up, or how to polish and she used to tell her mom she will do it her way and cause an argument with her mom.

How can i get her to learn and grow up at the same time as being relaxed and loving?

Feel free to comment and thanx for reading.

James

[Illusional]

haha you're one selfish bastard. alright you might not be a bastard but you are one selfish bf. you might be worse than the girl with the pothead bf. well anyways, here's my advice.

*in a nice voice*

first, take a step back and breath. you are only looking at things from YOUR point of view. being that you are the older one in the relationship and you wanna show her that you can take care of her is always a good thing, however she doesn't want to date her father. remember she fell in love with you because she found something special in you and i'm sure that she wasn't thinking of her father at the time.

secondly, i don't see why you wanna control her life for. so what if she's only 17 and she still acts like a child. that's basically because she IS a child. although you may be ready for face the world as what you think is a mature adult, she might not feel the same. again it's good that you want her to be a certain way, but why force her? IMO controling partners never seem to hold onto the dear things because they are caught up in changin the other person as opposed to listening to their needs.

as far as the affection part of your life, maybe you're going a little overboard. spending every last dollar or i guess pound in your case to buy her something special. she's obviously not with you for your money, but because she loves you. the bottom line is that you SHOULD know that she loves you, so why does she have to be affectionate to you 24/7?? if you know that she loves you, she doesn't have to give you a hug everytime you two see eachother again. selfish again i would say. in another's eyes, you might appear to be suffocating her. you said that you are a bit of a control freak and that you two have been together everyday for the past 11 months. are you scared that maybe she will leave you, which is why you don't want to let her out of your sight?? maybe reconsider these things and look at the sitution from her side. you'll also realize that at the age of 20, you still will think that you're mature, however you still have a lot of learning to do. think back to when you were 16 and you thought that you knew everything that life has to offer.

raverboy

[dj_guvana]

Illusional,

First off all theres no need for the language, at least i can stand up and admit i have a problem and want to treat the problem in order to keep my girlfriend. Secondly all i want is the best for my girlfriend, well i did until i realised that the best for is to let her be herself and i have to accept that she is who she is and to respect that. From self learning and talks with friends ive learnt that relationships arnt just 'DESTINED' to work from the start, you need to build on them and both work at it, if you dont they will fail. Im trying to build our relationship but obviously in the wrong way. I understand shes 17 and i now understand that she needs freedom and support.

I dont want to loose her becasue ive been cheated on befor, and it was awful, the pain wasn't nice. She wont leave me, and i know she loves me, but when the past follows you you cant help but to make sure it dont happen. I will lay off her now, and when she comes in from work tiered ill make her Dinner, and a drink and we will discuss our days together. I wish people could just understand though that i care , im not being selfish or an idiot im just doing what 'I' thinks best, when i understand now that its not.

She also nervous about talking to me about her problems and she never tells me what to do, thats probably becasue shes that used to hearing me give her 'BULLSHIT' wisdom that she feels shes hasn't the knowledge to tell me anything, i want her to get past that and be able to open up.

I love her to bits and will do anything to keep her, from today im going to be Open, Relaxed, Caring, Supportive and respect and accept her for who she is......My Girlfriend.


Thanx for the advice, Some people may take your tone a bit offensive Illusional.

[Only-virgins]

How come I get a feelings that this relationship is going to end bad?...I dont know...just a feeling. Anyone who would even consider leaving the relationship always eventually does.

[inkeepingsecret]

wow, after reading this guys posts, i feel like im reading something from the fifties. Are there still girls out there that take this controlling crap? Maybe its different over there, but good luck trying to be that controlling in the states. i think you may be showering her with girst at times to make up for you bossing her around all the time. I think you "put in all this extra effort" because you're probably a dick to her most of the time. No wonder she doesnt want to be all affectionate with you, she freaking afraid of you man.

Apparently, you dont trust her at all, which usually is clear sign that a relationship will not last. You say you are afraid to get cheated on, yep thats where the whole "trust thing" should come into play. Honestly, i feel bad for this girl.


UGHHHHH you say, "I dont want to loose her becasue ive been cheated on befor, and it was awful, the pain wasn't nice. She wont leave me, and i know she loves me, but when the past follows you you cant help but to make sure it dont happen."

That last part drives me insane!!!!! You cant f*cking control someone like that. The worst part is that you think what you do to her is ok, and thats its good for her. I def could see this guy as a hitter if things werent going his way.


am i out in left field with my opinion here? i had a friend that was a girl, who went thru this crap, and she is still trying to recover form it.

[ALovelyLady86]

Hmmm... I think the both of you have your own issues. I dont think its just the guy here, he also stressed (if its true) that she doesnt put much effort into the relationship.
I think you do need to just take a deep breath.
Dont be in such a hurry. Shes 17 and probably isnt ready for married life anyway.
Also, realize that she is her own woman and that there isnt anything you can do to make her change. Actions speak louder than words. If she expresses she doesnt want to do anything for the relationship, then she doesnt.
I dont think youre as controlling as it sounds. I think you have some insecurities following you, and you need to learn to be ok with someone elses decisions.
You feel like only your decisions are the safe way to go... and it freaks you out when someone else disagrees but they arent always the safe way to go. You need to learn how to trust. She needs to learn to let go of fear.

[Illusional]

haha

*sarcasitcally*

first off, i'm the type of person that will always swear. i work in a resturant and if something tastes like sh*t, i will tell my guest, "don't it, it honestly tastes like sh*t"

*now back to reality*

you've found up and i'm a real upfront person. if you don't like it, there are other people online here who you can be fond of. i like that you're willing to openly speak your mind, and that's all that i'm doing.

as for your ex having cheating on you, i can see why you feel as though you need to keep your girl on lock down. however what you have learned in the past doesn't always affect the future. everyone has different personalities and not everyone will cheat on you. this might be the girl that you actually marry, but if she feels trapped, she may just leave you. like i said before, you need a balance and i think that you're starting to realize it.

raverboy

[dj_guvana]

listen to me its not my boyfriend its my fault. i never tell him i love him i very selfish but im only 17 and i still grwoing from a girl into a women i really love my boyfriend but i know he only does he best for me

[ALovelyLady86]

Oh God shes already blaming herself...
Why not be in a relationship where you dont even need to have this conversation?
I like my relationships simple..I guess