Spouse Verbal abuse healing, with her after she has changed....

[Steve40th]

Can/Have people been able to heal and return to a healthy relationship once one member has been verbally abusive for many years? If she is really healed, which many people and myself really believe, can she and I honestly get back to a healthy loving relationship? Can/Will my heart get back to loving her like once before? Its been many months of counseling for her, she feels much better about herself and has learned why she was so abusive towards me and the kids. It seems very genuine and we communicate very well now. thoughts?

[IndiReloaded]

Bump for HIA, whose been though this.

Personally, I think it depends what you want out of the relationship, and how much *you* have also grown from the experience. For sure, there are nutcases who manage to hide their true colours until after marriage, in which case there is a clear "healthy" and "unhealthy" partner. But I think that situation is very rare, and generally resolves quite quickly (either one leaves, or they end up dead). Most dysfunctional longterm relationships perpetuate b/c both partners become (I hate that I'm saying this): codependent. Which is just a fancy word meaning that neither partner is motivated enough to solve their mutual problems. Or, worse, actually feed off the issues. This is a truly sick state to be in because there is *always* a solution, even if it means that one partner leaves the other partner who refuses to do the work that is needed.

So, have you figured out what your contribution was to things? Do you truly trust your partner will work *with you* to make sure things never get that bad? Are you strong enough to try again? Most aren't and would rather move on to someone who doesn't restimulate all those ugly emotions and baggage. Of course, they are generally doomed to repeat those mistakes with someone else, but that won't be your problem then, will it?

[jeejee]

I like these threads that you bump for HIA, and he then writes a 1000 word essay on his own pathetic life for us all to laugh at. Gives me loads of new material. He probably wont answer now ive said that, or maybe he will, just to prove that he doesnt care what i say. Win/win, either way for me, lol.

[Steve40th]

I like these threads that you bump for HIA, and he then writes a 1000 word essay on his own pathetic life for us all to laugh at. Gives me loads of new material. He probably wont answer now ive said that, or maybe he will, just to prove that he doesnt care what i say. Win/win, either way for me, lol.

Nice. I will post more after Church. Not quite a 1000 word dissertation, but it is what it is.
Actually, after your comment, I feel it is best to just go elsewhere. Real mature.

[jeejee]

Nice. I will post more after Church. Not quite a 1000 word dissertation, but it is what it is.
Actually, after your comment, I feel it is best to just go elsewhere. Real mature.

The **** you smoking bro? I wasnt talking about you. Go elsewhere if you want, but you wont find better advices anywhere else on the net.

[Steve40th]

The **** you smoking bro? I wasnt talking about you. Go elsewhere if you want, but you wont find better advices anywhere else on the net.

Sorry about that, I missread it as being directed at me having a pathetic life.

[Kiechi]

Bastardszzz.

[jeejee]

No bro. To be honest, i dont read opening posts. I just wait for regs and troll the **** out of them. I should get a new hobby really.

[Kiechi]

I agree. Find a hobby you're actually good at.

[jeejee]

I agree. Find a hobby you're actually good at?

Im good at telling english twats to get ****ed. Maybe I'll try that.

[HeartIsAching]

Bump for HIA, whose been though this.

Personally, I think it depends what you want out of the relationship, and how much *you* have also grown from the experience. For sure, there are nutcases who manage to hide their true colours until after marriage, in which case there is a clear "healthy" and "unhealthy" partner. But I think that situation is very rare, and generally resolves quite quickly (either one leaves, or they end up dead). Most dysfunctional longterm relationships perpetuate b/c both partners become (I hate that I'm saying this): codependent. Which is just a fancy word meaning that neither partner is motivated enough to solve their mutual problems. Or, worse, actually feed off the issues. This is a truly sick state to be in because there is *always* a solution, even if it means that one partner leaves the other partner who refuses to do the work that is needed.

So, have you figured out what your contribution was to things? Do you truly trust your partner will work *with you* to make sure things never get that bad? Are you strong enough to try again? Most aren't and would rather move on to someone who doesn't restimulate all those ugly emotions and baggage. Of course, they are generally doomed to repeat those mistakes with someone else, but that won't be your problem then, will it?

Thanks Indi.

Can/Have people been able to heal and return to a healthy relationship once one member has been verbally abusive for many years? If she is really healed, which many people and myself really believe, can she and I honestly get back to a healthy loving relationship? Can/Will my heart get back to loving her like once before? Its been many months of counseling for her, she feels much better about herself and has learned why she was so abusive towards me and the kids. It seems very genuine and we communicate very well now. thoughts?

Yeah, you can. It sounds trite, but what the counselors say is true - you have to really WANT to change. It took me about 4 1/2 months of weekly group therapy before I really understood that I needed to make a change, and maybe another 1 1/2 months to really start making a change, but it's possible. You say she's been in therapy for many months? How many? Are you going to couples counseling together as well? You probably need to learn some communication techniques too.

I want to add:

If she slips, DON'T make the mistake of thinking that it was all bullshit - call her on it. If she's genuine about making a change, she'll stop, think and say "You're right" and move to correct it. Old habits die hard, the oldest ones are the hardest to break, and most of those behaviors are ingrained since birth.

[jeejee]

Classic HIA, lol.

[Kiechi]

Fascinating. I'm sure that's the highlight of your C.V. Not only do you lie and pretend you have a personality and a social life, you also tell em' you're good at telling English twats to get ****ed. Which then, deductively makes you a queer. Why would you tell vaginas to get ****ed? Especially ones of the English variety? why not do the ****ing yourself? luls, amateur troll fag.

[jeejee]

Fascinating. I'm sure that's the highlight of your C.V. Not only do you lie and pretend you have a personality and a social life, you also tell em' you're good at telling English twats to get ****ed. Which then, deductively makes you a queer. Why would you tell vaginas to get ****ed? Especially ones of the English variety? why not do the ****ing yourself? luls, amateur troll fag.

lol, youre not a bad cunt for an arsehole. I like ye bro.

[Kiechi]

Lulz, you gave in quick. You're such a little bitch haha.