Need Advice before marrying him...

[bride2B2006]

Hi all. I'm new here and need some advice. Sorry if it's a little long - I kinda just need to vent too.

I've been dating my fiance for a year and a half. This past Valentine's Day he asked me to marry him. I was shocked and thrilled. I said yes. I'm really excited, but I am also scared. I'm 25 years old, have a great, successful job, we just bought a house, and have a super-cute 9 month old puppy. I'm generally happy with my life, and my relationship.

But I'm worried that my fiance doesn't understand the committment of marriage. He works on cars in his spare time, and seems to always make that his top priority. If I ask him if he wants to go out to dinner, he'll tell me he's too tired. But 10 minutes later, a buddy will call and ask him to go race at the track and he takes off. I have to practically beg him to do any work to MY car, and he hardly ever helps me with things around the house. I spend my weekends cleaning and doing laundry. He typically works Saturdays, comes home and changes and then it's back off to work on cars with his friends. They don't drink or go to bars or anything like that-they just do lots of different mechanical things. I understand that it's his hobby, and I don;t mind that he does it. It's just that he does it ALL the time, and I feel neglected. He doesn't want to take vacations together, and when we are home together, he is either online on the racing forum, or on EBay buying more car parts. (Oh and he has racked up a CC bill of $8,500 on car parts). I've tried to talk to him before and 1 of 2 things will happen: He'll apologize and change for a week, or he'll get defensive and blow me off.

I genuinely love him - he is sweet and caring and would never intentionally hurt me. He's always been there if I've really needed him. I just don't know that I can live with the day-to-day hum drum of his need to work on cars. I don't think he fully understands how much it hurts me, and how much the credit card debt affects our financial future.

Please give me some advice...I really need help. Thanks all!

[Junket]

See how he does if you ignore him as much as he does you.

[misombra]

oh yes, the domestication process. as for the cleaning, i can totally empathize. i just tell my bf that i don't like my house to be messy. it's frustrating and i'm not happy and it's a turn off a man who doesn't clean. and i'm a b.itch if my house is dirty. so i tell him that if he doesn't want me to be a b.itch and nag to just help out. it's a process but a lot of men spent their young lives with their moms who did everything for them...laundry, etc and they don't know how to do it. then they get into a bachelor pad and it's a stinky ass mess and then we get them and they can barely wash the dishes. and then they come to us a big freakin' slob. i know, i can definitely empathize with the feeling. tell him that he needs to help you. you both work and so you both need to help out around the house. i tell mikey that i'm gonna move out if he doesn't help, because it sucks. bad. i nag. and i tell him that if he doesn't want me to nag then he needs to clean something. it's not a big thing to ask, they really make it harder on themselves than it really is. anyway, you're not alone on that one.

as for his job/hobby, that's his thing. you have your job/hobby and that's your thing.

i would talk to him about these things you're feeling. they're valid. tell him that these are your concerns and tell him what will make you happy.

[ALovelyLady86]

Hmm ... sounds like to me maybe hes a little too scared to let go of the fun. Maybe he feels like once youre married he'll have to be serious all the time.
Has he always been like this? Or did this just recently start?
If hes always been like this, why didnt it bother you before?
If this is recent, then he's probably just scared to let go of the fun before settling down.
Try talking to him about it, and be serious about it and if he doesnt want to be with you 50/50 then I would call off the marriage til then.
Think of it this way, youd rather have a 50/50 marriage than to get married and regret it later on. Whether it be a year down the road or 5.. marriage is a big deal and you want to make sure youre both ready for it.

[indigosoul]

Don't think these issues will go away after you are married. They won't. As Miso says, he'll have his thing & you'll have yours... this is OK. Couples who start glued to the hip either break up or have to adjust later. I strongly recommend at least one night out together a week after marriage tho, and especially after children arrive! DON'T let this slide!!

If you feel neglected, you need to change YOURSELF. Figure out what it is you need (be specific) and then tell him SPECIFICALLY how he can help. If he won't or can't--buyer beware! But make sure he isn't the entire solution, b/c this will NOT work longterm. Seperate, yet together makes for a strong relationship. Best wishes for a long, happy life together!

P.S. About the cleaning... be flexible in your solutions. For about $80/week you can hire a housecleaner to come in... Not a lot of money to keep peace in the house...