Long Term Relationship- He's Stopped Trying

[murofevol]

My bf and I have been spinning our wheel a little.

I'm giving the milk away for free so to speak and my boyfriend has stopped doing all the things he used to do to court me. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years, are both new in our careers, and just moved in together a few months ago after spending a year long distance. Our relationship has always come very easily and he is a wonderful man who I may just spend forever with. He works hard, is honest, patient, kind, funny, basically a jackpot. Our first year together was filled with exciting adventures, 2 or 3 activities a week. We explored the outdoors, tried exotic restaurants, he planned surprise trips, we went to the circus, etc. Then there was the year apart. He got used to texting me throughout the day with a call every few days and got lazy.

We've been living together now for 3 months and have been on 2 dates, both ones that I had to ask for. He has always preferred to be a homebody. I've lost track of when the weekend comes because we never do anything different unless I suggest it. I've sat him down to talk about this 3 times and it hasn't been productive. It hurts his feelings very much to hear I feel taken for granted and that he's slacking off. So he mopes for a few days, I feel awful for hurting him, and then he gets over it and nothing happens. I feel like that first year was false advertising and this is turning into our first real sore spot in the relationship. I'm not sure what to do! I love this man dearly and being taken for granted hurts.

To add to it, we are pretty stressed right now. He is waiting to start a new job, I am underemployed, and I have Crohn's disease which can be pretty exhausting and sometimes makes sex harder. This stress has made our sex life a lot worse the last few weeks, when usually it is great.

Any advice? I know this is a problem couples go through, has anyone been there and what did you do? Thank you for your help!

[smackie9]

The first year of a relationship is called the "honeymoon stage" where everything is new, exciting, and you are infatuated with each other. But once past this stage things will and do slow down. It's the natural progression of relationships. Wait it gets worse...when you get married and have kids, your relationship will be put on hold because of adult responsibilities, mortgage payments, bills, household chores, raising kids, etc.

Once the honeymoon period is over, you are faced with how things will be. You need to access the relationship. If you don't have solid things in common, you wouldn't last for the long haul. If you want things to work, you need to learn that you have to have a life outside the relationship to go do your own thing. Stop expecting him to do everything with you or entertain you. Try that and see if things get "refreshed" between you two, if not then it's time to move on.

[Gargul]

You can't seriously expect the courtship phase to last forever, can you? If you want a constant stream of "exciting adventures" for the entire duration of your relationship, well, good luck to you. But most relationships tend to mellow out over time - this seems only natural.

[Wakeup]

Seriously: You're unemployed, I'm sure he's wondering how to entertain you when there's only one income as well. Why don't YOU plan some free things to do and and as long as he's not turning you down, then maybe you should quit whining or leave. You've related to him several times how you are discontent. He's not doing anything about it so you have two choices. You make the plans and be happy as long as he's joining you or you leave him if he won't join you and and thereby telling you that you're mismatched and not meant to be life-partners. You can't possible know someone properly when your relationship is long distance because you're only seeing the best of one another and it's like you're on vacation and day-to-day worry-free and without life's distranctions when you finally do get to meet up with one another.

[murofevol]

I get the honeymoon thing. It just changed abruptly when he moved away for that year and I thought we would pick up in the same place when we finished the long distance. We were both students then too, so not exactly rich as far as paying for dates goes but we still found a way. Free dates are great too! Just something that shows that he's putting thought into our relationship, that he's thinking of someone other than himself. Pick me a friggin daisy on the sidewalk, rub my neck, clean something, leave me a sweet note, anything!! I know most guys aren't good at this stuff but he was amazing that first year and he set the bar really high for himself!

Wakeup- he actually told me he hasn't been thinking about that, that he has only been thinking about his new job and nothing else. I have planned plenty of things, I cook full dinners, I rub his head every night, I give him manicures every week, I clean, not to mention all the work I put into trying to look good for him. We did spend a year together before long distance and during the year of long distance I spent a total of 2 months visiting him. I don't understand saying I have the choice to either leave or put up. A relationship is a living, evolving thing. I'm not leaving just because one thing isn't quite working and I'm also not going to just accept it and roll over.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup- he actually told me he hasn't been thinking about that, that he has only been thinking about his new job and nothing else.

Well then there ya go.

I have planned plenty of things, I cook full dinners, I rub his head every night, I give him manicures every week, I clean, not to mention all the work I put into trying to look good for him.

Seems he doesn't care and just takes you for granted then, eh?

We did spend a year together before long distance and during the year of long distance I spent a total of 2 months visiting him. I don't understand saying I have the choice to either leave or put up.

Then I'll explain: You do not have control over anyone but yourself. You can choose to change your outlook to adapt to his laxidasical one and be content that way or, you can leave if what he gives you is not enough for you. You are in control of you.. not him. He knows how you feel yet he does nothing to change it up. Now it's your turn to control what YOU do about that.

A relationship is a living, evolving thing. I'm not leaving just because one thing isn't quite working and I'm also not going to just accept it and roll over.

You might want to print the following line out and post it to your mirror to remind you that you can ask for what you want but you can't control anyone but yourself.

"Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Good luck..

[bcgirl]

Wait until you get married then and what 20 yrs of being together would be. Relationships are hard work and ppl can easily find themselves too comfortable. You probably have gotten to that stage too without knowing it. Remember at the beginning where you would put on make-up and your sexy lingerie and all that jazz and then after being together for a while the granny panties and sweats creep into the picture. If he's a homebody and money is tight, why not do something fun at home like cook dinner together, play board games over wine and then slip into your sexy lingerie for some x rated fun

[smackie9]

Or get all dressed up and go out with the girlies for a night of drinking and dancing...who said you had to drag him along?

[Saya]

Perhaps you should stop giving him manicure and stop rubbing his head?
He might change things after that.

You have talked to him about this problem few times and nothing has changed.... he is either not taking it seriously or he is stressed out at the moment with new work so it isn't his priority.

But you can't change who he is...

But these things happens and if you two doesn't have many things in common then it would be hard for you two be in a relationship together.

You don't have to go out every weekend with him... you can actually do something with your friends.