Infidelity

[poppy345]

Dear all, I've just joined this forum in the hope of some advice/input from others that will have an outside/unbiased view. Any response will be gratefully received.

I'm a married woman (nearly 9 years) with two small children.

The marriage is 99.9% of the time unhappy. We do not get on, like each other and our only common interest is our kids. The marriage was flawed from the start with trust issues and severe insecurity on his part, nothing has changed and his behaviour towards me is still the same because of this(tells me I'm fat and ugly, a ****, accuses me of allsorts). I get this everyday, along with other issues such as his severe anxiety and OCD, it is so severe it affects his breathing and he has mild tics with it. He will NOT get help, I have tricked him to the GP but it is no use!
He has been violent in the past, but not in the last few years, I have questioned his fidelity and he has always emotionally abused me. He also treats me like a piece of meat, groping me as he sees fit and taking it upon himself to have sex with me when I sleep (i am a heavy sleeper) This is the only sex he gets from me as I can't bear to do it with him.
Because of this I am very distant, more interested in chatting to my friends on FB and my my uni life than him. To make matter worse I lost a parent 4 years ago and went 'off the rails' and had some one night stands, went out every weekend, get drunk, got into fights, kissed blokes and texted others. I don't know why I did this, but I supposed I conformed to his accusations.

Things picked up for a bit, but I am back in that place again. I prob go out once a month but when I do I always kiss guys, I had a one nught stand in June and for a few months have been having an 'emotional affair' with someone at uni, we haven't had sex but have been close. I am nor perfect and obviously a horrible girl to do what I have been doing but I am so lost it is unreal. I have no family(except for my kids whome I adore and aside all this are happy and well loved by us both).

I am so depressed. I hate why I feel I have to be seeing other men, it seems to provide me with something I don't get.

I know we need to split, but I am scared that I won't cope financially on my own, he doesn't earn much but we are better off together. Because of childcare issues, if we split I would kiss goodbye to my degree and the hope of providing my kids with a stable future. I come from an unstable home so that is never what I wanted for them. Gosh, writing all this down makes me realise how selfish I am :-(
Please don't mean. Could really use some genuine responses/advice.
Thank you.

[Wakeup]

Your husband is a prick. You know it, I know it and anyone who replies will know it so I'm not going to comment any further on that. Now, as for you: is there any sense giving you any advice because you'll not do anything about your situation anyway. Not as long as your husband enables you to be who you are ~ You say so yourself right here:

I know we need to split, but I am scared that I won't cope financially on my own,

The prick accuses you of cheating.. that would be because you do, yet he keeps you around anyway. Your relationship is codependent dysfunction at it's finest.

You need psychological help, you know that right? Go to your University Guidance department and ask to see the psychologist on duty. Start there and then work one day at a time to improve your self-respect, your self-esteem and to get over only feeling pretty when some bloke you don't even know or who doesn't even care for you is boinking you from behind. Quit being skanky... it's not helping you to be able to love yourself one little bit.

Work on you and the rest will work itself out that much more quickly. Google "Am I codependent" and then read the links because you are addicted to this way of life you've found yourself in and it would do you a world of good to know what ails you and then to get some professional help to guide you.

Do your best to be productive in fixing this. Simply coming here and expecting what we have to say will fix things is fruitless.

Good luck.

[poppy345]

Thank you for replying. I honestly don't expect this forum to fix things, I just figured it would help to face up to what is happening, and also get outside viewpoints as I don't tell anyone what is happening.

I've not considered needing psychological help but have considered seeing the uni counsellor. My esteem is not low as such, I like how I look and the attention I get but think it masks how shot I actually feel.

Thank you for replying,

Ps- he accused me of cheating from day 1, then 3 years into the relationship it started!

Also, I will look into the issues you have brought up. I like your honesty, and despite the slightly agressive manner appreciate your response!

[Wakeup]

How you 'look" has sweet **** all to do with self-esteem. How you act tells us that your self-esteem in in the shitter. You don't respect yourself, you stay with a man who abuses you and tears you down every chance he gets in order to try and keep you where you are and it's working. Any woman who has self-esteem, who loves herself would have left the prick well before she let herself fall pregnant to him.
She certainly wouldn't get her validation and sense of having accomplished something from ****ing men she picks up in bars while being married and afraid to leave an abuser. You've been not loving yourself for a long time.. How was your childhood?

[poppy345]

Wow, I know you are right which scares me! Well, I had a happy childhoob, but my mum had lots of partners come and go so it was very unstable.

Thenks for replying, I'm finding this hard but need to face up to this I think.

[Wakeup]

Well, I had a happy childhoob, but my mum had lots of partners come and go so it was very unstable.

That would answer why you're the way you are somewhat, then.

Where was your father? And, if he was around; what was your relationship with him? This is why you need to talk with a professional. You likely have many years of being abused in one way or another that you would benefit from getting past and above thru the help of a psychologist. Your mother abused you psychologically by introducing all those men into your life. They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Start by reading up on some things that may apply to you. It will help you to be educated so that you can overcome.

Google:
"Codependency"
"Daddy Issues"
"Nurturing your Inner Child"
"Sexual Validation"
"Affects on the child of a promiscuous parent"

Those are a few that immediately come to mind.

[poppy345]

No, my father and mum were never together, and I never saw much of him, and now nothing at all.

Just want to say my kids will never see partners come and go, I've always said that when I am single I will stay that way while they are small. The 3 one night stands I had were away from the family home, not that it makes it right. I'm not excusing it.

[Wakeup]

poppy; they are seeing the dysfunction between you and their father. That will affect them and their own way of relating romantically to their future partner(s). Please do the work you need to do. Once you work to be the best you that you can be then you'll have the self-worth/respect/esteem to do what you have to do to make your's and your childrens lives stable and happy. The courage will come when you are confident and have love of self.

This is a hard road for you to travel to be free from all of this but it won't be as hard the one you're currently living. You don't like yourself or what you're doing or how your life is unfolding. Be strong and do something about all that.

You might even want to google for an abused woman's support group or forum so that you can get encouragment from women who have risen above all the dysfunction. Your kids don't need to learn that how you and your husband are is the norm in how to treat a partner for a moment longer.

[poppy345]

Wow, I'm still taking this all in. I describe my husband as mentally abusive in this relationship but find it hard to consider myself abused. I'm a feisty character but obviously not strong enough to leave. I do have issues with men I think. Aside from the cheating, when i am drunk i become so confrontational towards men in clubs and try to physically fight them. My friends just think its the drink, but deep down I know its not right.
I sound like a lovely girl eh (?)

[Fruitsss]

if there is abuse or cheating from his part u have every right to divorce him and otherwise 2.

if u want to do that u can start making your plan hw much u need and what house u can afford with your income.

u r not the first one so, if u handle it smart u will survive.
and u dont have to take care alone for the kids cause his responsibility will stay for the kids. also financially

[poppy345]

Thanks for replying. I have gone through my options but I think if I left him I would have to leave my degree, which is my light at the end of the tunnel atm!

I don't know if he has cheated, and I actually wouldn't care. I've cheated on him so I'd be a hypcrite. All I know is life is mental torture!

[bcgirl]

There never is the perfect time to leave him. I think you are hoping for the perfect moment and the truth is that no moment is more perfect than right now! Why waste another year, another month, another day being with a man you can't stand and don't respect. So financially it may be difficult, so you may have to think about other ways to pay for Uni etc. you will figure it out. Life is too short to live in this sort of misery. Do get yourself some therapy.

[poppy345]

There never is the perfect time to leave him. I think you are hoping for the perfect moment and the truth is that no moment is more perfect than right now! Why waste another year, another month, another day being with a man you can't stand and don't respect. So financially it may be difficult, so you may have to think about other ways to pay for Uni etc. you will figure it out. Life is too short to live in this sort of misery. Do get yourself some therapy.

Thank you, but I still feel the need to hold back just yet, though I don't know why. But thank you for commenting.

[Fruitsss]

so why ask our opinion if u are that shore to stay :S:S:s

[Wakeup]

Thank you, but I still feel the need to hold back just yet, though I don't know why. But thank you for commenting.

You feel the need to hold back because you are sorelly codependent.. that's a type of addiction, you know?

Did you read ANY of the google suggestions I gave you, poppy? You're addicted to the drama, you're afraid. You should be thinking more about your children and their well being. Perhaps that will motivate you into some sort of action. Break the cycle so that they don't end up in relationships like yours.