Needing serious advice

[jolynn44]

Hi. My name is Jordan. I am in need of serious advice. I have really messed up, and don't exactly know how to fix what I did. I live with my on/off again boyfriend of over 4 years, and we have had a lot of things happen in that time. I have been unfaithful twice - first time was shortly after we got together, but I ended up getting pregnant with the other man's child; my second time was 1 month ago, and I am in deep regret over it. I am currently 5 months pregnant with my boyfriend's child (this I know for sure). I have been feeling more insecure, depressed, frustrated, and very self conscious since I became pregnant. I have always been one to ask for approval and compliments just because of what I never received as a child. I was always (and still am being) beaten down; needless to say, my emotional scars are very deep. Reason for me mentioning that is because I rarely receive an actual compliment on his own - I am always asking things, such as "How is your dinner? Did I cook it right?", "How do I look in this?", "Do you like how I cleaned the house? Did I do a good job?", the list could go on. If I get a "compliment," it's the word sexy. I cannot stand that word because it is so common, and there are so many meanings to it. I've never been called beautiful by him because apparently it is not in his vocabulary, but I have longed for a man to call me beautiful. My ex from high school was abusive, and, when he would hit me to the point of blood and bruises, I would get called ugly. I get compared to my older cousin, who is absolutely gorgeous, by my relatives. So that has been burned into my brain. Which brings me to why I cheated this time around. I felt like I needed that ego boost, as well as some attention. My boyfriend likes to play video games. I don't necessarily have a problem with them, but they take away so much time between us. After we put my 3-year old to bed, I am lucky to spend 45 minutes to an hour with him before he gets on the game and plays it for over 4 hours. I'm so tired of going to bed and falling asleep by myself. I get so hesitant when he asks if he can play the game. If I say yes, then I have to entertain myself (which I have never been able to do) and I feel so lonely. If I say no, then I have to give a reason why and then I feel guilty because I feel I am being selfish. All I have ever asked was for him to spend some time with me. The man I cheated on him with has been a friend of mine since I moved to Texas almost 6 years ago. We have been each others shoulders to cry on when things have happened. During the break my boyfriend and I had from April to November of 2011, my friend started contacting me again because of the divorce he was going through. After his divorce, we started to hook up. I was going to a technical college for nursing at the time. We stopped with the hook ups shortly before my boyfriend and I got back together. And up until a month ago, I was completely faithful. The man I ended up cheating with was my friend. We planned it the night before it happened because I was so frustrated and tired of being ignored.
How my boyfriend found out sucked. A friend of ours had sent some pictures to my email, and last Thursday morning, my boyfriend decided to look through my emails to find the pictures. Well, he saw some emails that apparently I didn't bother to delete. So of course, he woke me up at 2 am and demanded my phone. Of course, I didn't delete those either. He asked why I had kept this whole thing a secret. I was so ashamed of what I did a couple of days after that I just pushed it to the back of my mind, hoping that in time I would forget everything. He started calling me names, degrading me, saying that if I weren't pregnant he would kick me out... Then he asked why. At that time I was so upset that I couldn't give him a reason. When I did finally give a reason, he called it all lies (in nice terms). I begged for two days for him to give me another chance, telling him I could change, that I would do anything and everything to win his trust and love back (which I know can take a long time), and I promised I would never cheat again. I have since deleted my friend's number from my phone and told him I couldn't speak to him anymore, which he understood well. On Friday, my boyfriend and I ended up fighting over the phone (well, by text since he was at work), and he told me that all he cared about right now was the baby, not me. He said I used to be his whole world, but now he isn't sure. Before we split the first time, I waited so long for him to ask me to marry me, but it never happened. When we found out I was pregnant this time, both of our families asked if he was going to do the "proper thing" and propose. He said he didn't know if he wanted to. So I confronted him about that during the fight, only to find out that he was considering trading in an old ring for an engagement ring and that was going to be my Christmas gift... He has thought about getting back at me by making me watch him sleep with another girl. He said that would be torture, but the only torture for me right now is not hearing him say I love you.
I love this man to death, and I regret it. I have told him that as well, and he says it's all lies and how can he believe a word I'm saying. It hurts. The night he found out was the first time I saw him cry. I've never seen him cry. I know how much it hurt him, and, seeing his pain, I don't want to hurt him again.
My apologies for it being so long. Does anyone have any advice for us both?

[bcgirl]

Why the hell are you choosing to bring up another baby under these conditions? You are mentally unstable. Of course how if your bf able to call you beautiful now knowing about your infidelity. You should be lucky he is even still talking to you. And raising a baby from a different man while with him?? Wow, most guys would have already ran far far away. He obviously has bitterness and resentment towards you... Who wouldn't? And you need extensive therapy for your own self worth. You need to deal with your childhood and heal from the abuse that happened there. I have a feeling you are bringing these babies into this world for your own drama creation thinking if I have this baby maybe he would live me more....

[jolynn44]

I asked for advice, bcgirl, not judgement. He knew about the first time I cheated, and he forgave me then. He could have chosen to leave me, but he didn't. He loves my first child as if she was his own. I am already in counseling, and things are going well with that. I became pregnant with this child way before I cheated the second time. But all I asked for was advice on how we can fix this. Please don't reply on my post again.

[bcgirl]

Although my advices can be harsh, you won't be getting anything else on these forums. Sometimes ppl need to hear judgement, a therapist ain't gunna give you that while u are paying him. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you are bringing this new baby up in this world for all the right reasons or are you choosing to have this baby in hopes that your bf would love you more and hopes the relationship may improve?

[jolynn44]

I am already being judged by his family. Before this happened, we were going to bring this baby into this world because it is what we wanted. We still are because he has always wanted a baby of his own that he can raise. He and his ex from high school had a son that they were forced to give up for adoption.