"If we'd met earlier, maybe it would have been different"

[RushRe]

3 months ago I asked out a customer from work who I had instant chemistry with - something I've never done before. I don't think in theory our first couple of dates could have gone any better.

On the second, third, and fourth dates she held my hand - early on in the date. I'm a girly guy, and hand holding means a lot more to me than most guys. I didn't assume anything, but did fish a little bit later where we were at. Edit: She replied coy.

The second date I asked her to my college homecoming and after I told her that I hoped we'd go out again soon - but she said she tried to go out "every other guy, to keep things fun and casual". Third third date she asked me to her homecoming dance. So I waited two weeks to ask her out for a 4th.

On the 4th date we began to DTR but because it was our first double date we couldn't DTR because of the other couple in the car so we scheduled to talk about it the next day. She said that she was worried what would happen. Because our 2nd and 3rd date were each others college homecoming dances - she said she held hands more so we'd be comfortable the entire night. I told her how I felt about her meeting my all of my intellectual checklist - but feeling emotional distance and not really knowing if we were compatible because of that. She told me she felt that I was also marriage material to her, but that there was another guy who had recently come home from a 2 year church mission about the same time I met her. She wasn't pushing anything, said that she didn't love either of us, and needed time basically. I told her that I could respect that, if we wouldn't hold hands - but I didn't want to have to figure out whether she'd been on a date with him or someone else - if she wanted to, great. If not, fine. She agreed.

5th, 6th and 7th date I waited two weeks in between to ask her out, all went really well.

The 6th date, I once again brought up that I wasn't getting enough emotional affirmation and suggested a text here or there and such. Maybe I should have caught the red flag, that she suggested going out less - waiting longer periods of time. But I didn't.

The 7th date - still went well. But I finally asked her "Look, I really like you. And I'm willing to make this work. Are you ready to make this work?"

She paused. I unfortunately didn't let her respond, and said "I know there is this other guy..."

And she shortly explained that she had invested to much time/emotion into this other guy and needed to see where it would go. Said that she was really sorry, and that if we'd met earlier, maybe it would have been different. While I was talking, she timidly suggested that maybe we'll see each other around. I made it clear that I was cutting things off to do what's best for me (because I was emotionally drained, finding no motivation for much in life) and that it would be best for her and that I was supportive of that and wished the best for her. Although I did say that if things didn't work out I hoped she'd let me know even if it put me in a similar situation.

Two weeks later, I am totally and utterly depressed. I've deactivated my facebook and occasionally log on in to see if she's posted anything. Which she hasn't. Then deactivating again. I have found more motivation for the rest of my life, but at the end of the day I still think about her a lot. Wondering if she's thinking about me - and being sad that although I cut it off and maybe that'd make her want me, it hasn't yet.

I can't but help feel like nice guys really do finish last. I don't think I did anything wrong - and if I would have played it any differently, I would be playing the game of dating. I genuinely feel like she wasn't trying to lead me on and because of that I don't feel angry at her. Yet, the way things ended - I can't really move on because there's no reason to - just an unfortunate situation. This kid that got home from his mission probably hasn't figured life out yet - and even if he has - he probably isn't ready for commitment - and so while he's not trying to play hard to get - she's even more attached because of it.

I'm going on a date this weekend, and saw a girl in church last sunday that would be fun to ask out too. I know that eventually I'll move on, but I really don't want to.

So, did I play things wrong? What can I do to cope while not fostering anger that would lead me not to go back to her if she came back? Or is getting mad the healthy coping method? Should I play hard to get if she comes back? (I don't want to, but everyone seems to think so)

Fairly certain she's the one.

[searock]

It just didn't work out between the two of you, you did nothing wrong. It just wasn't meant to be, it's not your fault and it's not because "nice guys finish last" (which is false btw). Stop thinking that she is "the one": you barely know her, and if she were the one, you would still be dating. Focus on your date this weekend, have a good time and don't worry about what-if's.

Out of curiosity, what is DTR?

[NawDawg]

Yeah, and whats a "girly guy"?

[searock]

LOL, I knew you'd ask XD.

[RushRe]

Define the Relationship. You know, the serious talk.

And, I just mean that most guys find holding hands to be casual. Girls find it to be committal. Tons of grey area, but in that aspect - it's really important to me. I wait a long time to hold a girls hand.

[VincenzoG91]

DTR? Data transfer rate? Dance to rap? Do the rodeo?

I don't think that you did anything wrong. You dated her and it didn't work out for reasons beyond your control. The whole purpose of dating is to discover compatibility, and while the two of you may have been compatible, apparently the other guy was even more compatible with her. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that she wasn't right for you.

Also, you are continuing to do the right things. You wished her well, but you cut off contact, and have started dating again. These are all good choices that you have made. Just keep moving forward. Maybe she will change her mind and contact you again at some point. If so, you will be in a better place to deal with that moment if you continue on your current course of action than if you just put everything on hold and waited for her. For now, just keep dating other women, and try to meet each one with an open mind.

[searock]

Define the Relationship. You know, the serious talk.

Oh, okay. And here I was, thinking about possible kinky stuff to do in a car!

And, I just mean that most guys find holding hands to be casual. Girls find it to be committal.

Not all girls, as you might have realized now. You either have the "DTR" talk, or you are not in a committed relationship as far as you know.

Anyway, yeah, my advice still stands. It wasn't meant to be, move on, date other girls and be happy.

[RushRe]

But what if he's NOT more compatible with her and she knows it? What if she can't move on until she has closure because she's put years of emotion into it?

[VincenzoG91]

But what if he's NOT more compatible with her and she knows it? What if she can't move on until she has closure because she's put years of emotion into it?

That's her problem to face on her own. Nobody else can solve that for her.

[RushRe]

So, what's the best way to play it if she comes back then? Whatever is natural? Or scenarios?

[RushRe]

Also, when should I get back on Facebook? I feel like if I did, whatever I posted would be influenced by her. Because we don't have any mutual friends, it's our only current connection. (I also told her I'd be going off facebook) I don' think it's right to invoke jealousy, and if I got back on, I'd feel like that's what I was trying to do.

[searock]

You should remove her from your friends on facebook. Or at least "hide" her from your facebook homepage AND set your privacy settings so that she can't see anything that you post. That's really a non-problem.

If she comes back, then you'll do whatever will feel right at that moment. For now, all you can and should do is make yourself happy, focus on other girls and have fun.

[HeartIsAching]

First off, she's NOT "The One". If she really were, you would be for her also. That's the way it works.

You really didn't do anything wrong.

No, playing (note the emphasis there) hard to get is game playing and has no business in a relationship - particularly one you want to have go somewhere in the future. Just do what you're doing and if she contacts you and wants to try again, go for it... but if she does, I suggest that you want to tell her up front that you're not interested in a casual relationship, that you want to try to make a go of it as an exclusive couple. If she doesn't want to do that, then politely tell her "no thank you." and move on.

[Boisdevie]

7 dates and you weren't pumping her full of your juice? You're not another of those uptight american religious loony virgins are you?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

7 dates and you weren't pumping her full of your juice? You're not another of those uptight american religious loony virgins are you?

He is.





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