Should I Listen to my Head, or my Heart?

[TexAggie1]

I apologize for the lenthy note. I added a lot of details to better understand my situation.

My ex (we’ll call her Jenn) and I dated for a 1 year until a month ago, when she broke things off. I dated a girl (we’ll call her Kristy)off and on for 6 years previous to meeting Jenn. The last few years with Kristy were more of a friendship to me, but she always wanted to be back together. I do a lot of travelling with my job, so I wasn’t home much when we dated. There were multiple reasons why Kristy and I didn’t work out, but mostly because she has a very extreme temper and would constantly accuse me of things I wasn’t doing. When I met Jenn a little over a year ago, I knew I needed to end that relationship with Kristy…but was hesitant as I had a good idea how she would react. I didn’t want to bring any unneeded drama into my new relationship and push Jenn away, so I decided NOT to tell Kristy that I “found someone” and to try to end it my way. Jenn noticed that some of Kristy’s stuff was in my house, tends to collect a bit when dating for 6 years. She obviously had a problem with this, and wanted it out. Every time I’d bring the subject up to Kristy, she would get upset and come up with excuses why she couldn’t pick it up. Jenn became very frustrated with me, telling me to be more aggressive. While Jenn and I were in our beginning stages of dating, I did see Kristy a few times…thanksgiving day for a race, and on Christmas. As Jenn and I were getting much more exclusive, Kristy began to contact me very upset, crying…and ultimately threatening her own life. I doubted it was real, but I didn’t know how to react…so I would email/text her “I love you”, “I care about you” type messages to calm her down. Six months into my new relationship, Kristy and I hardly talked and Jenn and I have fallen for each other. Then…Jenn gets a facebook message from Kristy (unknown how she found out), forwards all the emails, text messages I had send her, tells her she spent Christmas with me at my parents. VERY uncomfortable…but I deserved it as I didn’t handle any of that situation right.

That was 7 months ago, and since then I put Kristy’s stuff in a storage unit and I haven’t talked/seen her since. Jenn and I’s relationship has been incredible. She’s met all my friends and family, and vise versa. All parties love the both of us. We talked about marriage, kids, where to live, etc. A few months before we broke up, she moved to my city for a new job and because of me. She temporarily moved in until her apartment lease was up from her previous location. She asked me if she could permanently move in, but I declined. My reasons were I had done the “move in thing” before, and it blew up in my face. Also, I’ve been preparing to move out of my house, so I thought it silly to move all her stuff in, then turn around and move it all out again. She found an apartment shortly thereafter. After that, she changed in her interactions with me. I questioned her on it, then she requested we not talk for what turned out to be 10 days. When we came back together, it wasn’t a discussion…more of a results talk. She loves me very much, but can not trust me from what happened 7 months ago. She believes if she can’t trust me after 7 months, she never will. Over the last month since the break up, she’s sent me mixed signals…telling me she “loves me, misses me”, then “we need to stop communicating”. A few weeks ago was the last “positive” text I received, then she became very cold to me. The last time we communicated was a week ago. I told her to stop being stubborn and run the thanksgiving race with me. Her text back was “I’m not being stubborn, I’m being realistic. We’re broken up. I’m not running with you, I’m not spending the holidays with you. I’m done”. Later that night I was about to leave dinner with friends when I received another text. Jenn let me know she moved the rest of her stuff out of my house, and where she left my key. I had hoped I was there when she did this, and the restaurant I was at is close to her apartment…so I went over there and literally arrived the same time she did. She was upset I met her there, didn’t want much to do with me. I left, the received the last text “I want you to hear me loud and clear. It’s obvious we can’t salvage a friendship at this point. You need to leave me alone. Good luck to you.” I’ve NEVER said one negative thing to her, and have no idea where that came from. I haven’t attempted to contact her since. I’m currently very depressed as to how quickly she has turned a 180 on me in a matter of a month. My head says move on, my heart says stay the course. I’m curious what is going on in her head…is she really done? …is she confused? …is this just a defense mechanism to give her space?

[TexAggie1]

I apologize for the lengthy note. I added a lot of details to better understand my situation.

My ex (we’ll call her Jenn) and I dated for a 1 year until a month ago, when she broke things off. I dated a girl (we’ll call her Kristy)off and on for 6 years previous to meeting Jenn. The last few years with Kristy were more of a friendship to me, but she always wanted to be back together. I do a lot of travelling with my job, so I wasn’t home much when we dated. There were multiple reasons why Kristy and I didn’t work out, but mostly because she has a very extreme temper and would constantly accuse me of things I wasn’t doing. When I met Jenn a little over a year ago, I knew I needed to end that relationship with Kristy…but was hesitant as I had a good idea how she would react. I didn’t want to bring any unneeded drama into my new relationship and push Jenn away, so I decided NOT to tell Kristy that I “found someone” and to try to end it my way. Jenn noticed that some of Kristy’s stuff was in my house, tends to collect a bit when dating for 6 years. She obviously had a problem with this, and wanted it out. Every time I’d bring the subject up to Kristy, she would get upset and come up with excuses why she couldn’t pick it up. Jenn became very frustrated with me, telling me to be more aggressive. While Jenn and I were in our beginning stages of dating, I did see Kristy a few times…thanksgiving day for a race, and on Christmas. As Jenn and I were getting much more exclusive, Kristy began to contact me very upset, crying…and ultimately threatening her own life. I doubted it was real, but I didn’t know how to react…so I would email/text her “I love you”, “I care about you” type messages to calm her down. Six months into my new relationship, Kristy and I hardly talked and Jenn and I have fallen for each other. Then…Jenn gets a facebook message from Kristy (unknown how she found out), forwards all the emails, text messages I had send her, tells her she spent Christmas with me at my parents. VERY uncomfortable…but I deserved it as I didn’t handle any of that situation right.

That was 7 months ago, and since then I put Kristy’s stuff in a storage unit and I haven’t talked/seen her since. Jenn and I’s relationship has been incredible. She’s met all my friends and family, and vise versa. All parties love the both of us. We talked about marriage, kids, where to live, etc. A few months before we broke up, she moved to my city for a new job and because of me. She temporarily moved in until her apartment lease was up from her previous location. She asked me if she could permanently move in, but I declined. My reasons were I had done the “move in thing” before, and it blew up in my face. Also, I’ve been preparing to move out of my house, so I thought it silly to move all her stuff in, then turn around and move it all out again. She found an apartment shortly thereafter. After that, she changed in her interactions with me. I questioned her on it, then she requested we not talk for what turned out to be 10 days. When we came back together, it wasn’t a discussion…more of a results talk. She loves me very much, but can not trust me from what happened 7 months ago. She believes if she can’t trust me after 7 months, she never will. Over the last month since the break up, she’s sent me mixed signals…telling me she “loves me, misses me”, then “we need to stop communicating”. A few weeks ago was the last “positive” text I received, then she became very cold to me. The last time we communicated was a week ago. I told her to stop being stubborn and run the thanksgiving race with me. Her text back was “I’m not being stubborn, I’m being realistic. We’re broken up. I’m not running with you, I’m not spending the holidays with you. I’m done”. Later that night I was about to leave dinner with friends when I received another text. Jenn let me know she moved the rest of her stuff out of my house, and where she left my key. I had hoped I was there when she did this, and the restaurant I was at is close to her apartment…so I went over there and literally arrived the same time she did. She was upset I met her there, didn’t want much to do with me. I left, the received the last text “I want you to hear me loud and clear. It’s obvious we can’t salvage a friendship at this point. You need to leave me alone. Good luck to you.” I’ve NEVER said one negative thing to her, and have no idea where that came from. I haven’t attempted to contact her since. I’m currently very depressed as to how quickly she has turned a 180 on me in a matter of a month. My head says move on, my heart says stay the course. I've always been told go with what your brain is telling you, but there are too many thoughts for me to make a rational decision.
I’m curious what is going on in her head…is she really done? …is she confused? …is this just a defense mechanism to give her space?

[TexAggie1]

I apologize for the lengthy note. I added a lot of details to better understand my situation.

My ex (we’ll call her Jenn) and I dated for a 1 year until a month ago, when she broke things off. I dated a girl (we’ll call her Kristy)off and on for 6 years previous to meeting Jenn. The last few years with Kristy were more of a friendship to me, but she always wanted to be back together. I do a lot of travelling with my job, so I wasn’t home much when we dated. There were multiple reasons why Kristy and I didn’t work out, but mostly because she has a very extreme temper and would constantly accuse me of things I wasn’t doing. When I met Jenn a little over a year ago, I knew I needed to end that relationship with Kristy…but was hesitant as I had a good idea how she would react. I didn’t want to bring any unneeded drama into my new relationship and push Jenn away, so I decided NOT to tell Kristy that I “found someone” and to try to end it my way. Jenn noticed that some of Kristy’s stuff was in my house, tends to collect a bit when dating for 6 years. She obviously had a problem with this, and wanted it out. Every time I’d bring the subject up to Kristy, she would get upset and come up with excuses why she couldn’t pick it up. Jenn became very frustrated with me, telling me to be more aggressive. While Jenn and I were in our beginning stages of dating, I did see Kristy a few times…thanksgiving day for a race, and on Christmas. As Jenn and I were getting much more exclusive, Kristy began to contact me very upset, crying…and ultimately threatening her own life. I doubted it was real, but I didn’t know how to react…so I would email/text her “I love you”, “I care about you” type messages to calm her down. Six months into my new relationship, Kristy and I hardly talked and Jenn and I have fallen for each other. Then…Jenn gets a facebook message from Kristy (unknown how she found out), forwards all the emails, text messages I had send her, tells her she spent Christmas with me at my parents. VERY uncomfortable…but I deserved it as I didn’t handle any of that situation right.

That was 7 months ago, and since then I put Kristy’s stuff in a storage unit and I haven’t talked/seen her since. Jenn and I’s relationship has been incredible. She’s met all my friends and family, and vise versa. All parties love the both of us. We talked about marriage, kids, where to live, etc. A few months before we broke up, she moved to my city for a new job and because of me. She temporarily moved in until her apartment lease was up from her previous location. She asked me if she could permanently move in, but I declined. My reasons were I had done the “move in thing” before, and it blew up in my face. Also, I’ve been preparing to move out of my house, so I thought it silly to move all her stuff in, then turn around and move it all out again. She found an apartment shortly thereafter. After that, she changed in her interactions with me. I questioned her on it, then she requested we not talk for what turned out to be 10 days. When we came back together, it wasn’t a discussion…more of a results talk. She loves me very much, but can not trust me from what happened 7 months ago. She believes if she can’t trust me after 7 months, she never will. Over the last month since the break up, she’s sent me mixed signals…telling me she “loves me, misses me”, then “we need to stop communicating”. A few weeks ago was the last “positive” text I received, then she became very cold to me. The last time we communicated was a week ago. I told her to stop being stubborn and run the thanksgiving race with me. Her text back was “I’m not being stubborn, I’m being realistic. We’re broken up. I’m not running with you, I’m not spending the holidays with you. I’m done”. Later that night I was about to leave dinner with friends when I received another text. Jenn let me know she moved the rest of her stuff out of my house, and where she left my key. I had hoped I was there when she did this, and the restaurant I was at is close to her apartment…so I went over there and literally arrived the same time she did. She was upset I met her there, didn’t want much to do with me. I left, the received the last text “I want you to hear me loud and clear. It’s obvious we can’t salvage a friendship at this point. You need to leave me alone. Good luck to you.” I’ve NEVER said one negative thing to her, and have no idea where that came from. I haven’t attempted to contact her since. I’m currently very depressed as to how quickly she has turned a 180 on me in a matter of a month. My head says move on, my heart says stay the course. I've always been told go with what your brain is telling you, but there are too many thoughts for me to make a rational decision.
I’m curious what is going on in her head…is she really done? …is she confused? …is this just a defense mechanism to give her space?

[steviej]

Difficult! It seems like she obviously (and rightly) was knocked for six when kristy sprung that on her, its knocked her trust and confidence in you and despite how well you got on over the last few months that trust has only been paper thin.
When you turned her down to move in with you in her head all those things came flooding back, you didn't want her to move in because you're still carrying on with kristy or someone else.
It made her realise she never got over the betrayal and maybe feels like she never will.

All i can advise is make sure you learn this well - do not be weak or a lapdog to anyone. It isn't an attractive quality and as you've found out first hand it can totally come back to bite you in the ass!

[steviej]

.double post

[basilandthyme]

You know, I think part of the problem is that you're STILL hanging on to Kristy's stuff. While it may not be in your house, it's still in your possession. I have no idea why you didn't simply dump it on her front porch or give it to goodwill when she refused to collect it.

Then Jenn wants to move in with you but you're not wanting to move forward at the same time as her....and you've still got Kristy's stuff.....and there's the matter of the lies in the past. What's a girl to think?

Her "I love you" "I miss you" followed by needing "no contact" makes perfect sense. She does feel these things but needs no contact to get over you because the lack of trust is stronger than the love.

Having said all that, I don't understand Jenn wanting to move in with you if she doesn't trust you. Unless she was hoping your show of commitment would soothe her trust issues? I've got no idea about that one.

[TexAggie1]

@ basilandthyme
I put all of Kristy's stuff into storage 8 months ago, and I haven't talked to her since.


I get the move in thing...it was boneheaded, and I realize that now. I was too focused on getting rid of that house and planning for Jenn and I's future beyond the house than what was more important...gaining her confidence in me by moving in. I get distracted...I'm an idiot.

[pcmaster]

You cant ignore feelings just because you have a knowledge. Theres too much of thinks to consider. Dont hope but decide - women likes confident men who knows what they want. If you want something than take it. Its easier when you understand how women mind works - girlschase.com

[Lord Darkshire]

You lack commitment. You didn't clear out your exes stuff which means you still has some emotional attachment to her. That's strike one. With much discontent from your new GF, you finally got rid of your exes stuff. That's strike two. Your new GF relocates, and gets a new job to be with you, but you reject the idea that she moves in with you, That's strike three. She is done with you. This girl is looking for full commitment, moving in together, next would be pressure for a ring etc.

I can understand your point about not being ready to move in together but those first two strikes planted the seed of doubt already. Don't fret over this, she has different relationship expectations than you do, so that means you are not right for each other.

[TexAggie1]

I was DEFINITELY committed to her, I just came into the relationship with baggage. The right thing to do was get rid of the baggage first, but I didn't want to push her away and lose her. I didn't want to put Kristy's stuff on the curb as there was some personal stuff in there that couldn't be replaced. It wasn't an "emotional" decision, more of a decent thing to do. I should have done then what I ended up doing in the end...just put her stuff in a storage unit and mail her the key. She came in the relationship with some serious trust issues already, and I did violate that...and I'm reaping the consequenses. I'm just hopeful she can allow me to prove to her that I can be trusted by how I love.

[TexAggie1]

It's been hard to be confident after our last communication. It was VERY out of character for her to say those things to me, so I just stopped communicating. I would assume most guys would just throw up there hands and move on, but as much as it hurts...I'm sticking with being patient for now hoping she will come around. That's the hard part though...am I just chasing something I can't have? That's the battle that rages inside of me (not to sound too dramatic).

[TexAggie1]

@steviej

I get the "don't look weak". I've never been hurt like this, it's brought me to my knees...mostly because a lot of this was my doing, taking her and I's relationship for granted. I had good intentions, just went about everything the wrong way. I've given her the space she wants, haven't contacted her in over a week. Majority of the time, we were great...but in the back of her head she had a trust issue with me for 7 months. Most guys would have the attitude of moving on quickly, but I'm trying to stay the course as I am so in love with this girl. The only explanation I can give her her most recent interactions with me is she has dwelled on it all to the point she's angry at me...and I can only hope it will pass in time, and she will remember all the good stuff her and I have shared.

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds like you lost a keeper, man. But LD is right: you weren't ready for her. That's not anyone's fault. Date around, ditch your baggage so when the next Jenn comes along, you know what to do.

[HeartIsAching]

Are you serious?

She gave you a completely unambiguous text. You need to leave her alone - for legal reasons if for nothing else. You keep pestering her, and she has grounds for a stalking accusation.

[IndiReloaded]

Can we get the threads merged? I just posted to the other one.