Trying hard to understand Indian culture in my relationship

**sss** · 26-12-12, 05:03 AM

Hi, speaking as a pakistani girl i dont think he will ever not commit to you. As you said yourself, it has only been 4 months so i think its abit too early to start thinking so far ahead in to the future.
He will be reluctant to introduce you to his parents becuse it is so early on yet. I would give it time. I have been with my bf for 10 months and wouldnt dream of telling my family yet until i am 100% sure that this is what i want.
You are coming from two separate cultures and with our culture if we want to date, and especially marry, then we have to be sure that that person is worth taking the 'risk' for or else we face being disowned by our family due to the embarrasment they will face in society.
I would give it time but just ask him about how he sees the future. x

**jb1111983** · 26-12-12, 09:53 AM

Dear learning1, why would you want to be with someone who wants to keep your love a 'secret'?
Have you really met his parents yet? How do you know for sure that they're totally against their boy marrying a white girl? Has your (ex) boyfriend ever tried to introduce you to his parents maybe just as a 'friend'? Surely the parents wouldn't mind him being friends with white people?
I lived in India for 2 years! And sorry to say I don't think your guy saw you as future wife. If he did, he'd have introduced you to his family just as a friend and secretly hope that they'd begin like you as well. Well, at least he'd have tried. I know of Indian friends that dated and eventually married their white girlfriend.
So you know what? Continue to ignore him. Let him know he can't have what he won't fight for.
If he really wants you, he'll fight for you.

**learning1** · 26-12-12, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by jb1111983

So you know what? Continue to ignore him. Let him know he can't have what he won't fight for.
If he really wants you, he'll fight for you.

I agree. If I continue to be right there and act like his best friend like he wants, then I'm sending the message that I'll settle for less. I shouldn't just hang around and give him companionship / attention if he's not willing to be with me when the going gets rough. It's annoying that he keeps saying he "can't end up with me." Can't? It may cause family drama, but it's his choice.

**learning1** · 29-01-13, 12:51 PM

OK now I think I'm in a worse situation. He keeps talking about how he can't date me because of his parents, and he seems to have a huge sense of guilt about seeing me - yet he won't let go. He'll say, "Hey let's go to a movie with a few other people," but then -surprise - it's only me & him, and he's paying for the movie and kissing me good night. But the next day, it's the same old, "You can only be my friend. I know it's hard. It's hard for me too." So then why continue "dating" and telling me how you don't EVER want to be "without me"? I actually got mad and told him, "You could be with me if you really wanted, so please stop saying you can't. You just refuse to ever sacrifice or do anything that's not really easy for you. And I believe that a guy who truly can't imagine his life without me will do more than this."

I understand he doesn't want to upset his family. But it seems dumb of me to hang around, hoping things will change, and letting him have his cake & eat it too in the meantime. Maybe if I refuse to just do his little cowardly "secret dating" thing, he'll realize that he really wouldn't want to be without me. Or not.

**learning1** · 26-03-13, 04:09 AM

Update: my ex continues to say it's impossbile for us to be together bc of his parents. And at the same time, he's telling me he cannot live without me, he loves me, holding my hand/cuddling with me, and he literally burst into tears when I suggested I may not be able to be his friend anymore. I was thinking of telling him flat out that if he truly cant live withotu me he'd choose differently, and if he tells me he loves me while going thru w/arranged marriage, then he's beign dishonest toward his parents (by acting like he's Ok with the arrangement when he's not) as well as toward his future wife and he's thus hurting everyone involved and i just cant be involved w/that.

**Wakeup** · 26-03-13, 04:30 AM

... Not surprised that nothing has changed in your favor. You're wasting your own love life and you're stagnating your own happiness by not telling him to leave you alone so that you can get over him, find your own husband to be and eventually have a family where you won't have to share your man with another woman. Nothing will change and you'll be 50 and alone if you're not careful.

You are very foolinsh to continue to let him "cuddle" you or anything else when it's arranged that he's to marry someone else.

it seems dumb of me to hang around, hoping things will change, and letting him have his cake & eat it too in the meantime.

It doesn't seem dumb... It IS dumb. Dump him so that you can heal and find soemone whose culture is the same as your own.

As I said you are not the first "white" woman who was dating an Indian man to have this happen to her. He's not going to give up his family for you and he will cheat on his wife to be with you but do you seriously want to be alone on all the holidays because he spends them with his wife and babies? Seriously get out.

**learning1** · 26-03-13, 06:30 AM

Why does he seriously expect me to be OK with standing by as "just friends" while he holds my hand and tells me he loves me? What makes him think that's normal?!

**Wakeup** · 26-03-13, 06:33 AM

You've let him do it for so long ~ Of course he thinks it's normal. What else would you expect him to think?

**learning1** · 26-03-13, 06:40 AM

Independently of my behavior, I just don't see what kind of man breaks up w/someone, then cries buckets of tears and tells her he can't live without her and will wait around forever until she comes back to being his friend again.

**Wakeup** · 26-03-13, 06:50 AM

Oh Contrare... this is all about your behaviour. You teach people how to treat you and by you keeping him in your life when he's not going to give you what you want, you're teaching him to "wait around forever until you come back to him."

I suggest you actually grow up and realize that there are a whole slew of men just like him. In fact, I told you about them in the first page of your thread. If you let him (which you have been) he will marry the woman his parents set him up to marry and he will keep you on the side.

If you don't understand him and he's not going to ever give you what you want then you need to ask yourself why YOU keep entertaining his bullshit. No Contact means None.

Why don't you just get on with your life without him in it and quit enabling him to be your door mat. Do you enjoy the attention too much to give it up?

**BackUpOrGetStng** · 26-03-13, 07:11 AM

You're an idiot.

**VincenzoG91** · 26-03-13, 07:18 AM

How many more years are you going to waste on this situation?

**learning1** · 26-03-13, 07:21 AM

Originally Posted by VincenzoG91

How many more years are you going to waste on this situation?

Well I can't convince myself that he won't ever change his mind, given the things he says/does and the way he freaks out after even small periods of time without me. Doesn't mean I can't date others in meantime.

**Wakeup** · 26-03-13, 07:38 AM

... lmao ...

**learning1** · 26-03-13, 08:02 AM

I guess at the end of the day, I should just be honest and tell him that because I love him, I'm not gonna stand by throughout his life while he makes a decision that I know will make him miserable and also dishonest towards his family and wife (by pretending to go alogn w/something he doesn't want at all.)

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