Trying hard to understand Indian culture in my relationship

[Wakeup]

Stop being so dramatic. You only went out with him for four months correct? You were fine before he came into your life were'nt you? If you were then you'll certainly be fine again if you actually give yourself time to heal and help yourself to get to that stage through zero contact.

He duped you. Thats not your fault. It is your fault if you continue to allow him to manipulate you the way he has been. Now you're just volunteering for his crap.

[Inna0]

It's only four months.
It's too early to introduce eachother to parents.

And I don't see a problem in taking you out on a date instead of sitting around at your place. It actually sounds better.

And tbh I'd be uncomfortable going to someone's house if someone else is going to be there late at night. It could disturb them and it's kinda rude.

[velveteen]

Original Poster - Please carefully read my new post beginning with "Agony of Being in Love with a Doctor"... you and I are in a similar situation and I think we can help each other emotionally and with other information. I too am very much in love with my Indian boyfriend but am seeing there may be roadblocks ahead. Read my post and feel free to PM me if you want to. I am sure we can be of comfort to each other and perhaps share valuable information the other may not be aware of.

[learning1]

I told him I can't be friends, then wrote a long email not to be friendly, but to coldly explain that I think he's doing the wrong thing (both for himself & me) & everything would've worked out if he'd been strong enough to stand up for me. His response? Multiple days later? Just to ask me about some new stuff going on at my job & see how my weekend was, etc. Is he in total, complete denial? We're exes, so he doesn't "have to" deal with my drama/telling him what I think he should do. So why does he keep trying to stay so close in my life?

[learning1]

I told him (via text), basically that it was just too hurtful for me that he wouldn't lift a finger & ran the other way as soon as our RL got even a little bit hard (parent disapproval, whatever). He didn't respond to that. Great.

I saw him in person at grocery store yesterday and basically just gave him a blank/angry expression; I don't care to talk to him anymore obviously.

Later on he finally responded to the text. He texted me to tell me our mutual grocery store is having a huge sale on salmon today (my favorite) & tell me something exciting about his work day. SERIOUSLY?? That's the response to my honest explanation of why I'm so hurt/done with him?

Of course I didn't respond. I'd just love to understand why a person would be this bizzarely avoidiant. Oh my life...

[davonr]

even iam from india i think that he has to tell about the love to his parents asap so that as when one day secret reveals then what will happen just think.ask him to introduce to his parents let you see there what will happen..

[TablesandChairs]

Cultural differences can be tricky; my Pakistani friend (male) was disowned by his family for dating a white woman and for refusing an arranged marriage. He hasn't spoken to them in 2 years; it wasn't just a threat, they meant it. He's happily engaged now and doesn't care. But not everyone is prepared to take that risk.

At this point in time, his cultural obligations go against your own. You don't like being kept a secret. By all means, he could string you along for X years and then go on holiday to India, meet/marry an Indian girl that his parents approve of and there will be nothing you can do about it. This happened to a friend of mine. He came back to Australia after 2 months. Married. She was shocked to say the least. He then had the audacity to tell her they had just been 'dating' and he didn't 'owe' her anything.

You're not compatible.

[TablesandChairs]

Also, do you really need this kind of burden? Let him marry whoever is arranged for him. You have the freedom to do as you wish - date whoever, marry whoever. Your parents don't control your life but they will always control his. Not really that appealing.

I briefly dated a Jewish guy and found his mother particularly insulting; like I was somehow less human because I wasn't Jewish. She questioned me insistently about 'converting' but we'd only dated for a few months. She also insinuated that 'my kind' had 'many boyfriends' which I took to mean 'my kind = slut'. I was a virgin. It became clear that a future with him would mean my converting and abandoning my own faith/customs. I wasn't prepared to do that.

It's no one's fault per say, it just is. You don't have to settle for it.

[learning1]

I can't help but think that if he keeps trying & trying to keep me in his life, then maybe he reallly can't live without me in the end. But what he's NOT doing is responding to my serious statements with anything like, "You're right, I should stand up to my parents for you." Instead he just changes the subject to something lighter. So maybe it really is hopeless.

[Wakeup]

Go no contact and you'll get over this 4 month fling much quicker. Time to stop hoping and accept that he is not going to forsake his parents and their financial support for you or anyone.

You're wasting good dating years on a man that isn't capable of being who you continue to hope he'll be.

[learning1]

So I took that advice. It had been a week that I'd blown him off completely, and he literally came to find me -- he knew I was playing in a local orchestra concert. He later told me, "I just had to find you. I can't ever have you mad. I just can't stand when we're not ok." He now says how we just need to take things one step at a time, slowly, because we're still young with plenty of time, and he can't be without me. He will kiss me like crazy but refuse to do more than that because he says what's most important to him right now is preserving everything we've built / are continuing to build.

[Wakeup]

Until he introduces you to his family as his girlfriend.. You're no better off then you were when you first started this thread.

[learning1]

Until he introduces you to his family as his girlfriend.. You're no better off then you were when you first started this thread.

I agree, and I'm continuing to pursue dating other people right now. I just can't help but wonder if this is progress in a positive direction.

[Wakeup]

I'd say it was a lateral move.

Good to hear you're not putting all your focus on him.

[learning1]

Interesting -- what does a lateral move mean exactly in this situation?