Can't escape the past

[oldoggy]

Hello,
I'm new to this forum. Haven't ever used one of these but I guess I'm pretty desperate.

My Girlfriend and I have been together for over a year. We've had a rocky road. For the first part of our relationship she was drinking and partying heavily and often with ex-boyfriends or other guys, etc. Eventually it was too much for me to take and a few extremely inappropriate things came to light (inappropriate texting with exes, going on dates with other guys she had met at bars, possible cheating etc.) and I had to break up with her. Only two days passed from the break up and she already hooked up with another guy who she had met at a party while we were still dating. This completely crushed me as I was still very much in love with her and didn't really want to lose her, but felt like I had to out of self respect.
Any way, a few weeks past and she started begging me to come back. and made a lot of lofty promises to change, bla bla bla. Out of some severe weakness I started seeing her a little bit and started to see that she actually was trying to change. She had gotten sober and cut contact with the ex-boyfriend, etc. I eventually full-on got back together with her.
Four months have passed and we now live together. She doesn't party anymore and seems very committed to me. On the surface it seems that things are going really well, but they aren't for me. Now that the dust has settled on all the drama I find that I still can't bring myself to trust her. I feel that I never will. I still think about those other guys she kept on the line before and how I can't take another hit like that. I want to trust her and I figured it was something that would heal over time, but the thoughts keep creeping in and seem to be getting worse.
I really don't know what to do. I know that I love her but my doubts are making me miserable.

Sorry for the long-winded post...

[HeartIsAching]

You live together four months after she cheated on you and got back together? Dude.

This has train-wreck written all over it. If I were you I'd start looking for another place to live.

[oldoggy]

I appreciate that sentiment, but there's a lot more to it. Most of our problems were centered around her drug/alcohol abuse and the big thing that convinced me to come back is that she got sober and has stayed sober for the past four months. But I guess what you're saying still rings true. Maybe that's just what I don't want to admit to myself? Also, the cheating thing is only suspicion, which she of course denies... I don't know man, maybe youre right.

[bcgirl]

First off... Trust your intuition. Considering her old ways of partying with guys, she probably most likely did cheat more than once.
Secondly, this is one of the biggest mistakes ppl make. They break up, but still have contact with each other so inevitabily she crept back into your life only after two days! In that time frame you haven't even had time to really process anything. Yet you still dug yourself in a deeper hole by moving in with her after 4 months. Now the dust have settled and you just can't shake off that infidelity issue. It's not her fault any longer. She has promised to change and has stuck with it so far, you were the one that agreed to take her back.

[VincenzoG91]

Is she one of those women that doesn't have any female friends? That's a big red flag right there. If she does have female friends, what are they like? Do they drink and party a lot? It's often hard for somebody to stay sober if most of their friends like to party hard.

[Fruitsss]

U r stupid to jump into things knowing the situation.

So whatever happens blame yourself.
If u know she is like that u should have told her that u want to take things slowly or very slowly.
Instead of jump into it cause she bagged u.

I dont know if people can change that fast. And i hope she can be the way she is now for long.
Cause people can take some time to act like they are different but if some drastic change did not take place in their head and heart they will get back to normal when they get tired of playing nice.

I dont know how old u r. but i know that trust is something that u build. especially after it have been broken.
U cant just say yeah i trust again. or u are naive or a lair.
So i think both of u are acting. Get real!

[oldoggy]

@bcgirl, true. I guess I made the decision and now it's on me. She has kept up her end of the deal.
@vincenzoG91 , She has plenty of girlfriends. Also she's cut contact with her old party friends in efforts to stay sober. She's made tons of new sober friends and totally changed her life. Even quit her cocktailing job and got a different gig. She's really made a lot of sacrifices, largely to make things work with me but mainly to have a better life for herself.
The fear is that our commitment to each other is becoming larger and larger (I.e. talks of getting a dog together and signing a lease on our own apartment) and I'm reluctant to take that risk. Like what happens if the old her comes back?

I guess I made my bed and need to lie in it.

[HeartIsAching]

The fear is that our commitment to each other is becoming larger and larger (I.e. talks of getting a dog together and signing a lease on our own apartment) and I'm reluctant to take that risk. Like what happens if the old her comes back?

That's a VERY valid fear. I would recommend giving it a year or two before you even think about getting an animal together, or signing any legal paperwork together. It's only been four months, that not exactly enough time to be sure of her.

[VincenzoG91]

The dog is a good sign. That's like a practice child for a couple. She sounds like she is very serious about you now.

[haxan]

You rushed back into it, because you didn't want to risk losing her. You should've given her space and let her prove she's relationship material to you. Now you have to find out on the fly, and it's making you nervous.

You're right about one thing, it's too late. You made your situation, so have to see if it works out. Good luck.