How do I cope with my Fiance's jealousy and insecurity?

[confused1983]

My fiance is very insecure, he is hearing impaired and was bullied a lot as a child because he wears hearing aids. He has low self confidence and insecurities. He is 26 and nobody gives him any grief for his hearing now, he is quite well built!
Anyway, since living together for the last year and a half he seems to want all my time. He doesnt like it when I see my friends, and as a result my social life has become non-existent. He would always say 'but its time that I could be spending with you' if I asked to stay over at a friends house because she had cooked dinner and bought a few bottles of wine, he would say "why? staying at your friends house is weird, you have a partner, so you should come home and spend the night with me."
Trying to make him feel more comfortable with my friends (he doesnt have any, and says even if he did he would rather be with me anyway). I invited him out with me and my best friend for some drinks. We got home, and my friend and I played on the wii, he laid on the sofa not wanting to get involved, just scowling. He got up after 20 minutes and stormed out of the house saying he was going for a walk. He called me and an argument kicked off, he called me and my friend - who was still there with me, lesbians because I kissed her cheek and she looked an my chest and went "boobies" (not that any cleavage was on show). He then said he was going to sleep the night at work, I said no need Im going to my friends house in a taxi so he could stay at the house. He said no, no no, I'm going to smash my phone so you wont be able to get hold of me. shortly after he turned up on the door step crying and hysterical. I managed to coax him inside the house, he was saying sorry over and over again, hyperventilating. Eventually after an hour or so of reassuring him and calming him down I got him up to bed and he went to sleep.

Halloween - went out with my sister, her husband and my partner. My sister and I got our costumes on and met the boys at the pub. When we got there he looked at my costume and said it wasn't appropriate for going out in because my cleavage was visable. He took me to one side away from everybody about an hour later and carried on saying how he disagreed with what I was wearing, people will think I'm single if I go out dressed 'like that'. I'm 29 and do not dress like a slapper the outfit was on the sexy side but not indecent. My sister interrupted and the group carried on chatting. Then an hour later he starts again, saying that one of the guys in there looked at me. It got so bad he was thrown out, he tried to come back in shouting and was literally dragged out. We all left afterwards, he was shouting at me in the street and was so angry that he was shaking, it was pretty scary. I stayed at my sisters and he went home (we live across the street). My sister went to my house and talked to him for hours, she told me in the morning that she thinks he is stressed and depressed because of work, I thought this was possible because he is under a lot of pressure. My sister told me that he was crying and very very unhappy. I went over and said things were ok, we would work through it all together. We went to the doctor and he was signed off with work related stress. The two weeks off, he was fine, a bit low at times but ok and he relaxed after a few days and we were getting on brilliantly.

Then at the end of the second week it was my friends birthday - the same friend we went out with the first time it kicked off. This was the worst yet. The usual shouting and me ending up crying. I went outside for a ciggie and told my friends bf to let my partner know where I was - he was at the bar amongst a sea of people. I came back in and he siad "where the hell have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you, waiting outside the womens loos like a spare part" I apologised and said that I told my friends bf to let him know where I was. He started shouting 'well he didnt tell me, nobody told me anything' and stormed off. My friends brother came over to say hello, as havent seen him for a while but known him for 18 years. My partner came over and stood inbetween us, the brother put his hand out to introduce himself, I said this is my friends brother, and my partner just glared at him and walked away. Everyone else was dancing, but I stayed satdown because I didnt want another argument. We all left at the same time, to go somewhere else, but my partner was yelling at me outside again. The boys were telling him to go home, I told him to go. He eventually walked away but then came back for me, I left because I was worried he would try to drive home instead of leaving our car there over night and getting a taxi. Argument carried on in the taxi and at home. I found out frome my friend a few days ago (a couple of weeks after that night), that at one point he had grabbed her arms and shook her. She had bruises the next morning.

His work sent him for angre management a few years ago, I wonder if this would help him now, I dont know how long he went for, or if he really worked at it last time. Ive suggested counselling for both of us to go together and he wont go. He agreed once and said we'd go the following month when we had more money to pay for it. Then because we'd been getting on better, not bickering. He said we dont need to go.

He is the hardest and the easiest person to love. He is kind, caring, thoughtful and loving the rest of the time. But I have my doubts. He will say things like 'go out with your friend, don't worry about me, I'll just go to bed early' or that he'll go for a walk round town. I've said that I feel he manipulates me emotionally, and he said he isnt the mastermind I think he is and would never make me feel guilty on purpose. He says that he worries for my safety when I am out and wants me to come home because he will know I am ok. But I hardly ever go out, to do anything, meet a friend for a coffee, dare I suggest a night out with a friend in bars or a club, he gets arsey and says its not enough notice, he needs time to get his head round it, or to plan to do something, but he has no friends to go out with, I suggest my brother in law, and he says no.

If he is depressed, and stressed then I want to help him, but he has to work with me. On the other hand I've put up with his querks about me goiung out and having time away from him for as long as we have lived together, and now the angre is worrying me. If I walk away I feel like I would be abandoning him.

[VincenzoG91]

I took an anger management class several years ago, and it saved my relationship and my job, and made some of my oldest friends happy. It wasn't enough to just go to the class, I took it very seriously, participating in every class and doing all the reading and the light homework assignments. Some of the other guys in the class seemed to really benefit, including one guy who had failed to complete three previous anger management classes. But there were a couple of guys who seemed stuck, and one guy who showed up but didn't participate at all. Anyway, my point is that taking an anger management class only helps if the student wants to learn.

From what you've described, your boyfriend isn't ready for love. Yes, he can be kind, caring, thoughtful and loving. But he has some serious unresolved issues related to his disability, the bullying that he endured, and probably from past negatives experiences involving dating. Because he hasn't worked out these issues, he is a paranoid control freak who is verbally abusing you and trying to isolate you from your friends. That needs to stop now.

Set boundaries. Tell him that his behavior is unacceptable to you, and you're ready to break up with him unless he begins to change for the better. I haven't seen anything in your long post that indicates that you need to see a therapist, just that he needs to take another anger management class. He needs to figure out what kinds of things make him angry, and then develop strategies to either avoid or cope with those situations. And he needs to respect you as a person, not treat you like property. He has important choices to make, and if he really loves you, he will make the right choices. Otherwise, leave him before the abuse turns physical.

[Marcus2012]

Look, it's very hard for people to change. If your fiance has been like this his whole life, chances are that he will remain like this for the rest of his life...
But.... that's not always the case. As I said, it's hard, but not impossible.

I'm a very anxious person myself, but in the recent years I have managed to get much much better.
I can say to you that if you let things as they are, your feelings for your fiance will slowly disappear and if you love him, you should give it a shot with him before that happens. You have to tell him about your feelings, but not just that... you should gently try to suggest a few things for him.

For instance, I believe the best thing for an anxious person to cope with someone else's social life, is to have one of his own.
Tell him to go out with his friends once in a while, help him find hobbies that he likes and can do without you. Not just one or two hobbies... a lot of them! He needs to keep himself busy... he need things to do besides staying with you.

Social events are specially difficult for anxious people. Try to be with him for now, and as (if) he starts getting more secure in time, then you can do things separately.

Remember that you can't force yourself to love him, or be with him out o pitty, but if you fell in love with him in the first place, then maybe things can still workout for you... just try to help him and hope that he listens to you.

Good luck.

[Fruitsss]

your story should be short cause there any their are many other that we can read.
and i just read the first part of it and i think he needs to get into therapy way before marry u
and give it a year or more to see where he is at and if he is in a good stage to marry.

cause marriage will not change or make him act better but worse;
so he still have issues that he need to take care of before he brings also a child into his life.
and meanwhile u 3 can take tie to work on your issues i guess u have some 2;

and i guess u can get a therapist that is less expensive and that charge less money when u r a couple.
and people and your fiance need to realize that going to therapy is not to keep u but to better himself so he\
can hve a better life and be a better husband and father,
so i would go hard on him, cause once u marry him things will get worse and he will see the reason to get help and wrk on himself less important.

so i dont know how u r but i will let him know that there is 2 ways, get help and confront his issues for his himself and for a better marriage or doing noting and break up;

if u act stupid and softy and marry him thing will get worse cause he will not even take a step to see no therapist cause he
will think he already got u so doesn't matter,
but often when kids comes into the situation childhood and other issues will come out cause the parents gets confronted with the issues they touch they had worked out .

marriage is very serious!