Husband cheated, now won't come near me?

[Fizzlebob]

I don't know where to turn to. I'm absolutely at a loss in my life.

I met my husband when I was 15. I fell pregnant almost instantly, and we have a 5 year old child together. We moved in together when I was 17 (he always support me) and life was good I suppose. Fast forward a few years, I had an affair. I was 19, I didn't feel like I got the attention I desperately needed. Naive of me, yes. I told him, I sat with him for hours and poured my heart out... It was a physical affair, with an old friend. He decided to "forgive and forget", and so we went on. I had this instinct all wasn't right, turns out it wasn't! He had since we got together (before, actually!) been speaking with numerous girls, emotional affair if you will. Now, this knocked me sideways and I self harmed, tried to take an overdose and completely screwed me up. 3 weeks after finding out about his "affair", I found out I was pregnant, I'd conceived just days before I found all the emails etc.

I said we would work on it, I was pregnant and we owed it to our kids. Now, I had my moments of locking myself away for hours crying about how I weren't good enough. He always helped me through it though. Then I kept finding other stuff out, friend requests from girls he told to go away etc and I said he had to tell me everything. But I was slowly starting to move on, our second child is 9months old and I am 10 weeks pregnant with our third.

But I am wobbling again, because we were making love around 2 weeks ago, and we were done and I said "oh, you haven't you know..." And he said yeah he couldn't do it... That wasthe last time he came near me, until we argued last night over me going to see my friend for a coffee for 90minutes (I was too long) and he let me make it up to him, with oral. But he decided it would be apt to watch porn on his mobile, whilst I gave it him!!! He released himself and he went off to bed.

I have been banging my head... It's killing me. Is he cheating again? Or is it me?

Any ideas? I'm so angry with him, when I told him why, he laughed in my face and "playfully" slapped me across the face (it wasn't playful at all, it damn hurt!) but why the porn? I feel really neglected, not just sex but cuddle/kiss etc he isn't interested in me. But I don't know if its just me he isn't interested in or if he has someone else to be interested in???

Please help me, I'm 21, 3rd baby on the way and feel like killing myself...

[When.Doves.Cry.]

Birth control pills and/or simple condoms could have prevented all of this.

But since you had apparently neglected to use any of those options, your options are now:

1. Leave your husband, since you both can't seem to stay faithful to one another and get along. This will leave your children in a terrible position.

2. Stay together and deal with each others' behavior. You're both adults, so the chances of either of your behaviors being successfully modified are slim. In this case, you're in a terrible position.

See, no matter what you do at this point, somebody's going to get f*cked.

I can never comprehend cases like this. Why is birth control so difficult for some people?

[Fizzlebob]

Prevented all what? Me cheating on him and him cheating? How? We, well I at least, wanted all of my kids. It has absolutely nothing to do with birth control.

I was asking if anyone knew where I stood? Ie has anyone been in a very similar situation who can relate.

By the way, I'm sure you wouldn't be so harsh towards my babies had I said I'm 31. Though you do sound extremely bitter.

[When.Doves.Cry.]

Prevented all what? Me cheating on him and him cheating? How? We, well I at least, wanted all of my kids. It has absolutely nothing to do with birth control.

I was asking if anyone knew where I stood? Ie has anyone been in a very similar situation who can relate.

By the way, I'm sure you wouldn't be so harsh towards my babies had I said I'm 31. Though you do sound extremely bitter.

If there weren't children involved in this mess, the situation would be much easier to solve. You could just tell him to either change his behavior or you're leaving. You'd most likely have to leave, since he probably won't stop doing these things. But now that there are children involved, there will be a custody problem in the mix.

If you met your husband when you were 15 and fell pregnant almost instantly, I was assuming that baby was unintentional. Did you want to have a baby at 15?

And yes, the children have everything to do with it. Children can sense when their parents are fighting or arguing, and when they're not seeing eye to eye. They can sense the tension. And it's very unsettling to them. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but it's terrible for parents to put their children through that. Even if you hide it from them now well enough, if you guys keep cheating on each other and arguing, they will soon see it. Especially as they get older, if you guys are still together and still doing these things to each other.

The fact that he physically hit you tells me that it's going to get worse from here, for both you and your children, rather than better. Domestic abuse starts out small, then gets worse. This just sounds like a very bad situation. Growing up in an abusive household is even more damaging for children.

Your options still remain the same. Either you stay with him and put up with what he does - because he isn't going to change, most people simply don't without some dramatic life changing event - or you leave and be a single mother. Hopefully in that case you can find them a good stepfather someday.

I shall add:

Maybe you don't agree with what I said, and that's perfectly fine, because I acknowledge that I may not be right about everything. But if you decide to ignore everything else I said, please at least take away from it that it is very difficult to change people. If he's interested in someone else and keeps cheating, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Even if he isn't cheating, the other things you have a problem with him doing (such as watching porn at times when you'd prefer he didn't) cannot be changed. Attempts to change one's partner typically end very badly. [No one can predict with any certainty whether or not he's cheating, by the way, so I cannot answer to that aspect of your problem].

[Hotaru]

I find it humorous that his "emotional cheating" seems to be a focal point but the fact that you outright screwed someone else is mentioned in passing. At that point, you should have broken up or at least been safer, why would you screw him without protection? Sticking around was bad enough but popping out a second kid? The first one didn't teach you anything? And now a third? Bloody hell...

Not only that but you can't figure out what the difference is between having three kids at 31 and three at 21? It's amazing that you need a license to drive a car but any idiot can pop out a kid that I'm sure other people are helping pay for, barring a miracle. Could you do us all a favor and get on birth control? Buy some condoms? Or just keep your legs closed? Where do you stand, you ask? Without sugarcoating? You aren't mentally stable (history of self-harm and talking about suicide), you aren't emotionally mature (co-dependent), and I'd find it difficult to believe that either of you are anywhere near financially stable. In short, you are screwed. I'd suggest therapy but could you afford it?

Is it even viable for you to leave him at this point? Could you work out a custody agreement and live on your own? Care for yourself and your brood? Move in with friends or family? Assuming, of course, they want saddled with you. BTW, we aren't being harsh towards your babies, they're the real victims in all this. We're being harsh towards you because there is no excuse for your behavior. Don't have birth control? Don't have sex. And if you don't like my tone, that's too bad, this is a serious situation and I'm not going to try to comfort you when you clearly consider yourself an adult, comparable to someone 10 years your senior.

Obviously, the guy is also to blame but as the woman who has to now carry a child for 9 months, I'd think you'd be a little more protective of what happens to your body. But given that you didn't stop to think at any point in the past 5 years, you're going to have to talk it out with him and potentially make a hard choice and live an even harder life for a while. If your relationship doesn't shape up - and that will take extensive work and maturity beyond what you've displayed thus far - you'll have to make the choice that is best for your kids.

We, well I at least, wanted all of my kids. It has absolutely nothing to do with birth control.

Also, I don't think you comprehend the concept of "wanting kids". You seriously got pregnant on purpose at 15? Even if you wanted it after you spread 'em, saying, "I wanted my kids" means they were planned for. I hope you weren't stupid enough to plan for a baby before you finished school, had a life of your own, or two pennies to rub together.

And wtf? "Well I at least, wanted all of my kids"? So...you got knocked up three times to a guy who you can't even be sure wanted the kids you got...

You are either slow or in denial.

[steviej]

Very typical of the benefit drain in the UK. Moronic girl gets pregnant and spends rest of her life relying on taxpayers to pay for her kids.

Why did you choose to have more kids when you were f*cking someone else and he had lost all interest in you? At what point did you think 'well our relationship is practically over, what we need now are two more kids!'

You're an immature girl who needs to do some serious growing up.

[Fruitsss]

so how old r u guys now?

i feel sorry for this whole story is rubish and a mess.

thats why kids need to keep themselfs busy with kids stuff.
where where your parents to at least tell you not to do that cause u r to young to mess
around like that and marry.
and why did u d it all? never took time to think about what is good or bad??

and that pig is a bad men. he is treating u like a slut and worthless object.
i think part of it is also cause u have very low self esteem for staying with him and do the low stuff he ask u to do.

u act like that 15 years old girl and he treats u and use u like a 15 years old girl.
u need to grow up and have a back bone for what ever relationship u will have.

i dont like abusive situations especially not like this. i really think u need to divorce this pig.
he have zero respect for u in any kind of way.
and u was young and thought u was doing it all good. but now u r older think like a older person and
clean up your mess.
this men is a loser and he is using and abusing u. he will not change !!!!!!!!
cause he already felt many times the power of his filthy behavior over you.

your kids are leurning that woman are low down sluts and men can abuse them as much as they can.
and they need to stay and cry all day with a loser like that.

be happy that there is no sex, i dont think u want someone like that to sex u. and get pregnant is no option.

[fluffyskull]

My opinion is that the relationship is toast. I think cheating is a fundamental barrier. That said if you BOTH agree you still love each other and SERIOUSLY want to work at the relationship then I guess there's hope. You could try marriage counselling.

[wilf]

Hotaru's vile comments simply beggar belief. A woman posts a message saying that she feels like killing herself and she receives a mouthful of abuse back? That's horrendous. She's clearly in a very difficult situation here. She and her husband need to sit down and work out whether they have a future together. Separation, if it came to that, would be painful for both spouses and children. But may be the only solution if they keep
hurting each other. Good luck to you.

[Hotaru]

Excuse me if I don't feel like kissing her ass because this "difficult situation" she's in is her fault; it takes two to have a baby but it only takes one to say no to having unprotected sex.

In case it has escaped your attention, this is a serious situation - and no, I'm not referring to the OP's, I'm referring to the children's because they're the victims. Three little kids are in trouble because they have two stupid children for parents. Coddling her is useless, what good did you even do here? Maybe if she had fewer people like you in her life and more people like me, stevie, and HIA, someone would have told her to stop procreating and leave him at fifteen!

Nothing I said is incorrect. If you don't like my tone, that's your problem. Seems you're the only one crying me a river here.

[wilf]

Hotaru, no-one is crying a river here and no-one is suggesting for a minute that this woman has made wise life choices. But your comments are a little "after
the horse has bolted..." She said that she felt like killing herself. I would have thought that even a little compassion was due. Imagine how she felt after readingyour posts. 100 times worse, I'd guess.

[aforester]

First of all, please don't kill yourself hun. You have three children to raise, and you will be fine. Second, it seems like there are a ton of issues under the surface here that both of you are carrying. This isn't one person's fault. You cheated, he cheated, and you are both having issues. The issues are normal if you have both deceived each other. Building that trust will take much longer than a few months, but it is well worth working toward building your relationship. Your mental health will be better if you work toward restoring this relationship. There is a point when you have to start working, and hope he follows suit. How long will it take? I have no clue, but you should give him the understanding he gave you when you had that affair, and understand that an affair effects a man in untold ways.

Hope everything works out hun.