What is this?

[im25yearsold]

I deserve a partner who will sit outside with me on a spring day. I don't know how I ended up with somebody who simply won't. I beg, beg and beg: "It's <i>really </i>important to me that you sit outside with me." "No, the chairs are uncomfortable." Then I just sit there and wonder, "Do my feelings exist to you at all?"

Today. I wake up at 6:30am to drive her to work, like I do <i>every </i>Sunday. Then I pick her up between 2:30pm at 3:15pm, like I do <i>every </i>Sunday. I probably spend four hours a week and $30 driving her to and from work. We're in the car, and she refuses to give me more than one piece of gum. "Seriously?" "You're always eating my gum." "This is just... retarded. This is retarded." "No, how come you get to eat all my gum when I buy one for you and one for me?" "Just leave me alone." "Fine."

Today. I told her to give me a heads up when she'll be staying late at work. She didn't (she never does) and stayed late to shop, while I was waiting in the parking lot, desperately trying to get to the gym before it closes (because she said I had a fat belly). We later got stuck at a train because of it. We agreed that she would save her money. She didn't and bought unnecessary things today (she buys things 3-4 times a week). I told her not to buy anything for herself around this time of year because it's Christmas and we need to make sure she isn't buying things that other people have already gotten for her. She ignores this advice and buys fuzzy slippers for herself (they were on my Christmas list for her). Retarded gum fight.

She's so possessive. "You're eating all the gum," "You drank all the water," "You ate two pieces of pie!" I have no idea why she is so controlling with materials that are cheap and plentiful. I spent an hour to transport her and she's defending over two pieces of gum? It's just ridiculous in my mind.

"I'm going to read, but I don't know what to read." "Read some of the book I really want you to read." "No, I don't want to." "Please?" "No, I'm not going to read a counseling book." "I really want you to. I've been asking you to for weeks." "I'm not going to read non-fiction." All this after she asks me to read an entire book for <i>her</i>, and since then, two more complete books (she'll complain I haven't finished the other two, yet). "I already read a chapter of your book and it was pointless. Nothing ever came of it." "Maybe we could've talked about it, like we did the book you asked me to read." "Well we didn't."

Tonight I had to turn inward, and ask myself reflectively, "Why have I accepted <i>this </i>in my life?"

There's the time at the butterfly pavilion. We were both to pick out one item to remember the wonderful day. I chose my item. "No, that's stupid." "But I want it." "It's UGLY." "I like it." "We're NOT getting it, put it BACK." I stormed out of the store. Where the hell was her playfulness, her acceptance, her wanting me to be happy? There's the cheese pizza incident, where she scolded me for ordering it. On and on. All this shit is so melodramatic and stupid that I don't want to revisit it. But it lies scrambled across scrap notebook paper and buried deep in my resentment.

Yesterday. She tells me she wants to babysit her homeless friend's baby. I'm skeptical. We have no room set up for a baby, no materials. I know my Dad will NOT allow it. And what I know about the mom: she is homeless, had her baby at 17 and got kicked out of her parents' house, and tries to convince her to steal. We have no idea about the psychological make-up of this baby, if it's been abused, if the mom is crazy or using drugs, or why she needs a relative stranger at work to take care of it for her. I push all this aside and tell her my Dad probably won't allow it. "FINE! FINE! I WON'T DO IT. Sorry I even ASKED." "Uhhh.... okay?" *long pause* "So what are you going to tell her?" "That my <i>boyfriend </i>doesn't want a baby in the house." Yeah. She threatened to throw me under the bus in public. For something that's not even true (<b>I</b> never said I didn't want a baby, I said my <b>Dad </b>didn't.) Nevertheless, couldn't she have initiated a less-threatening discussion? Like, maybe suggesting <b>I MEET THE MOM BEFORE WE COMMIT TO WATCHING HER HUMAN CHILD?</b> (why would a partner want to meet the Mom of a child before that child stays in said partners' house?) Whether or not she's lacking cautiousness, her behavior towards me was negative, hostile, and outrageous. Just before that she called me fat and commented on my growing belly. I was so steamed. For hours.

She'll call me fat and get upset when I ask her to work-out. She'll get on my case for drinking a milk-shake, while she eat king size candy bars and doughnuts at work. She gets mad at me for not reading three of her books when she won't read a chapter of mine. She gets mad at me for eating meat. She gets mad at me for staying up late. She gets mad at me when, god forbid, some of my homework piles up. She gets mad at me for not texting her enough through-out the day. She gets mad at me for not inviting her to the gym, regardless of the fact that she's never wanted to go in the first place. She complains about my family, who have done nothing but positive, warm, encouraging, nice things to her. Things that most families would NOT do. She gets upset at me for playing music with a small-group of 3 members, one of them a female. All while she has one-on-one lunch with a boy co-worker. She is totally threatened by all my exes and demanded I cut them out of my life entirely. All while she talks to her ex-boyfriend of 5 years on facebook, who likes to tell her that he "totally misses her" and that "your boyfriend should stay away from me." This is the same boyfriend who threatened to murder me and my family. With E, I've been forced to accept a life with her ex-boyfriend in my life. She can't leave him behind because of the cats. So her threatening, abusive ex-boyfriend keeps his presence in MY life. He sees all our personal pictures through Facebook. The craziest part is I've accepted these things

She is so negative. Complains all the time about the people at work. I give her positive advice. It always falls on death ears. I've learned to, well, stop encouraging her, because it's too frustrating to give my heart in warm advice and have it returned with a "No, you don't...." or a "But..." When she complains, she doesn't <i>want </i>to change her attitude. She <i>wants </i>to stay negative about things.

When she was sick and had to go to work. "Do you want advice, or for me to just listen?" "Say what you have to say." "If I say anything, I want you to really listen to it and take its value. It's important to me that you don't just reject my advice or talk over it." "Okay." "Well, I think that you need to shift your thinking into a more positive state. The more positive you are, the better your body will heal. You just need to let go of your worries tonight, relax, and get some rest. I will get you some medicine for your nose, some water to drink, and some crackers and snacks too if you need them. I --" "Joseph." "Yes?" "All I asked for was a <i>ride tomorrow</i>." My heart sank a thousand feet beneath the floor. I still feel it there.

All of this has shattered my feelings of intimacy with her. I don't feel close to her in any way. She doesn't know 99% of the music I listen to. Nor does she care. She doesn't know any of the music I play. She never works out with me. She won't read any self-help or psychology literature. So to recap, she knows nothing about the music I listen to, the books I read, how I feel (because she won't sit outside to talk with me), what I spend half my life doing in school, or the two activities that take most of my life outside of school. That leaves us with her not understanding much of my life. At all.

And her whole rejection/dismissal of my feelings and concerns. "I have a concern." "You're exaggerating." "No really, this is how I feel." "Well I don't believe it." "Well you should, because it's <i>HOW I FEEL</i>." "You only started feeling like this recently." "No, I've felt it for a long time." "Well I don't believe it." "Am I going to have to leave you before you realize that I really did feel this way?"

Nothing can penetrate her bubble. She is so blind, stuck in her own way of functioning and seeing things. It stops her from giving me what I need from her. Emotional intimacy. I feel none of it. I'm happier when I'm by myself, when she isn't here, when I'm not thinking about our relationship. My life is smooth and happy when she does not exist. She won't change. I can't change her. We're stuck here.

The usual pattern is I threaten to break up. She says I'm crazy, that things are really going well, and I need to just relax. I'll relax for a week or two. Then get upset and threaten again. Then we repeat the cycle again.

[Love'sReject]

Wow, she's making you her bitch. You need to grow balls and leave her. You sound like you have qualities a good chick would appreciate so dump this freakish woman and find a healthy one.

[basilandthyme]

If you truly believed that you deserved better, you wouldn't be tolerating her behaviour. You ended up in this situation because you accept it.

I suggest you get into some counselling to figure out why you stay