Caught boyfriend looking at friend's photo on Facebook

[searock]

He thinks she gets mad because of the things he tries to hide (so he keeps trying to hide them), when in reality she gets mad because he hides them (so she keeps not respecting his privacy because she wants to check whether he's hidden something from her yet again). This is fundamental misunderstanding and miscommunication.

[Wakeup]

I don't think it's reality that she gets mad because he hides them... that's an excuse people use for not liking what their SO is doing at a fundemental level. You tell me one woman (for example) who hates her SO looking at porn and masturbating to it that would be just peachy keen with it as long as he announced when he'd be doing it?

I can see it now...
Him: Oh honey, I'm off for a private wank to porn now. I'll be out when i'm done.
Her: Okay, love... enjoy your wank and thanks so much for not hiding it on me.

Pfffft.

She should let it go and leave the man some sense of having a life of his own. Partnership does not equal 100% ownership of you.

IMO This is about her trying to control and failing at it. Him trying to just do things without being questioned and trying to avoid another argument that has been ongoing for 5 freaking years.

[searock]

I don't think it's reality that she gets mad because he hides them... that's an excuse people use for not liking what their SO is doing at a fundemental level.

That may be true in this case (I don't think it's true as a general rule), but it's just an assumption anyway. Based on the info we have, she doesn't mind him looking at other women, she just doesn't want him to hide things from her. Which is perfectly understandable.

You tell me one woman (for example) who hates her SO looking at porn and masturbating to it that would be just peachy keen with it as long as he announced when he'd be doing it?

1. The OP doesn't hate her SO for looking at other women (at least, as far as we know). She hates when he goes out of his way to hide things from her.
2. A guy may have other reasons to hide his porn, other than not wanting his GF to make a scene. For example, he may feel embarrassed if she found out. This is not the case: why would anyone be embarrassed for looking at facebook friends' photos? Unless there was something to hide.....

The point is that the OP hates when her boyfriend hides things from her, NOT when he does those things per se. If he had just not told her (which is perfectly fine!), it wouldn't have been a problem. The problem is that he actually deliberately tried to HIDE it from her.

Him trying to just do things without being questioned and trying to avoid another argument that has been ongoing for 5 freaking years.

Again, this is just an assumption. As far as we know, the only thing that the OP has been questioning him about for 5 years is the fact that he hides things from her.

Just so it's clear, I am not saying that he should inform her of anything he does. It's perfectly normal to not tell each other everything. It is not, however, normal to go out of one's way just to hide things from one's partner.

[aforester]

Yeah, sorry to say but I think you're making too much of it. Guys are always looking at women, and the action is what counts. Unless you have evidence of his cheating then you might give him a pass on this. Guys are trained to look all the time, and we are also trained to keep those looks hidden (some are better than others), so when we get caught it is never a good thing. If you catch him next time, give him a good-natured joke about it, and then let him know as long as he keeps looking with no touching then it is fine. If you show if that you'll react without jealousy then you might find he becomes a bit more open about what he looks at. From that you might be able to have a more enjoyable sex life, you never know!

[searock]

Yeah, sorry to say but I think you're making too much of it. Guys are always looking at women, and the action is what counts. Unless you have evidence of his cheating then you might give him a pass on this. Guys are trained to look all the time, and we are also trained to keep those looks hidden (some are better than others), so when we get caught it is never a good thing. If you catch him next time, give him a good-natured joke about it, and then let him know as long as he keeps looking with no touching then it is fine. If you show if that you'll react without jealousy then you might find he becomes a bit more open about what he looks at. From that you might be able to have a more enjoyable sex life, you never know!

You keep missing the point... the problem is not that he was looking at those photos, it's that he tried to hide the fact that he did.

At least: that is what I would be mad about.

[bcgirl]

I too am glad I don't have this issue in my relationship. I think that with time comes maturity and trust and one wouldn't even think to check the browing history of one's partner. If There's been no indication that this man has been acting sketchy in the least, then why even check tabs or caches or anything else for that matter, is the question of the day?

So you like to tell yourself in your marriage. Bet your hubby's history tabs are filled with crazy sh!t on his work computer of hot women half your age and sexual positions your body is too old to even do. Bet you wouldn't be okay with what you would find. But yes, keep telling yourself your hubby is trust worthy. Realistically and statistically speaking... Males are much more likely to cheat on their wives if they are younger than their other half.

[smackie9]

Best thing is to just let....it.....go.

[bcgirl]

You keep missing the point... the problem is not that he was looking at those photos, it's that he tried to hide the fact that he did.

At least: that is what I would be mad about.

Yes this is the point. Why hide this? It's like what kids or teenagers do when they sneak into their parents liquor cabinet and drink half the bottle of vodka and pour water to the other half to avoid getting into sh!t by their parents. You two don't have a parent kid relationship. It's two adults. The fact the the op mentioned this hadn't been an issue before and she isn't some crazy overly jealous gf and took the time to make a posting on this forum about this topic makes me question the boyfriend. Usually once someone starts hiding stuff, you only see the tip of the iceberg which is 10%, wonder what the other 90% is

[Wakeup]

So: here's my counter, Sea: As usual we often see eye to eye but can debate without getting angry at one another.. Hugs to you. Skip to the last paragraph if you just want my reasoning in a nut shell.

That may be true in this case (I don't think it's true as a general rule), but it's just an assumption anyway. Based on the info we have, she doesn't mind him looking at other women, she just doesn't want him to hide things from her. Which is perfectly understandable.

I do think it's true as a general rule. I base my opinion on what I've read here (5 years of her checking up on him and 5 years of him hiding it) and all the other posts from women who say things like "I don't mind him looking but I hate it when he hides it" What possible good will come to this man if he confesses or when he doesn't hide it is the question that has yet to be answered.

1. The OP doesn't hate her SO for looking at other women

symantics. I meant she hates it when he does it... not him particularily)

(at least, as far as we know). She hates when he goes out of his way to hide things from her.

I'm sure he hates it just as much when she goes out of her way to look to see if he has hidden anything. Five years she's been going out of her way to shit test him to see if he's been hiding things. Maybe she's right, maybe she should consider not going ahead with this wedding if she can't stop looking and he can't stop doing it.

2. A guy may have other reasons to hide his porn, other than not wanting his GF to make a scene. For example, he may feel embarrassed if she found out. This is not the case: why would anyone be embarrassed for looking at facebook friends' photos? Unless there was something to hide.....

Because he has to listen to her that's why. Surely you can understand being nagged to death about this. Men/people were taught that masturbating is something you do in private (for eg) (one time we were taught that it was sinful and bad and you'll go insane so thank goodness for some progress). Of couse he's wanting privacy... particulily if hes been made to feel what he's doing is wrong/bad/sinful/unloving/disrespectful. OP says she doesn't care if he looks. If that's the case then she shouldn't be looking to see if he's looked becasue she doesn't care if he does (or so she says). If she stopped that lookingthen she'd not know he's hidden anything and she'd not be asking "Is this being dishonest?

The point is that the OP hates when her boyfriend hides things from her, NOT when he does those things per se. If he had just not told her (which is perfectly fine!), it wouldn't have been a problem. The problem is that he actually deliberately tried to HIDE it from her.

No.. that is HER making this a problem. She's not getting to control him when he won't do what she demands and its bothering her. When I'm on my husbands laptop I delete my browsing history as well and it's not because I have been being bad or disrespectful. I just don't think he needs to know where I've been and what I've been doing while there. If I want him to know everything then I'll tell him. Until then, he respects my privacy and trusts I'm not being disengenuous when he's not been included. Same goes for him when he's been on mine. i don't look to see where he's been or if he's hidden it.

Again, this is just an assumption. As far as we know, the only thing that the OP has been questioning him about for 5 years is the fact that he hides things from her.

Logically assuming here: Step one ~ He would have had to have been questioned about this prior to ever hiding it. Step two: She would have had to be tracing his browsing history to even know that he deleted things. This is not what came first the chicken or the egg.

Just so it's clear, I am not saying that he should inform her of anything he does. It's perfectly normal to not tell each other everything. It is not, however, normal to go out of one's way just to hide things from one's partner.

It is very normal to do that if one refuses to be controlled by someone else or someone has bee over-reacting about what he has been looking at. it's human nature to try and avoid unnecessary angst to one's SO particularilly when one thinks what they've been doing is nothing to get riled over.

The bottom line here is that for 5 years they've been unable to resolve this. That's the problem. Asking us "is this being dishonest" well the answer to that is in how much she actually trusts him not to be deleting things that would be considered an infidelity betrayal, illegal or immoral according to their mutally agreed to relationship boundaries. If they can't come together on a simple boundary, then that is the problem. not that she asks him not to hide it but he does anyway. Not whether or not if we think his actions are "dishonest." She does think they are. he's not changing for her so deal with him, come to a compromise with him or leave him.

I'll add that her subconscious reasoning for this thead came out in her subject line as far as I'm concerned; "Caught my boyfriend looking at friend's photo on facebook" If she was just concerned with him hiding what he does then wouldn't "Caught my boyfriend hiding stuff again" have been more on topic to what she's peddaling here? *Op if you're lurking I'm not attacking you but simply giving you some thngs to think about that may be answers to you're question about why he needs to hide things from you.

[searock]

What possible good will come to this man if he confesses or when he doesn't hide it is the question that has yet to be answered.

According to the OP, she wouldn't have gotten angry, if he hadn't hidden it.

I'm sure he hates it just as much when she goes out of her way to look to see if he has hidden anything. Five years she's been going out of her way to shit test him to see if he's been hiding things. Maybe she's right, maybe she should consider not going ahead with this wedding if she can't stop looking and he can't stop doing it.

Exactly... they both don't trust each other. It's as you said, as with the chicken and the egg. Did he start to hide things, and she casually found out once, and has been unable to stop checking ever since? Or was she the one to make a scene the first time, so that now he feels the need to hide things? Who knows... The point is that they need to solve their communication and trust issues, if they want to go ahead and get married.

OP says she doesn't care if he looks. If that's the case then she shouldn't be looking to see if he's looked becasue she doesn't care if he does (or so she says.

My theory is that she looked to see if he's hidden the fact that he looked.

Do you think that he actually masturbated to that girl's photos? This might explain why he felt the need to hide it: he was probably ashamed and embarrassed, and yes, it would have probably made her mad. It's one thing to wank off to porn (strangers), quite another to wank off to pictures of people you actually know: in this case, I could understand why he tried to hide it.

When I'm on my husbands laptop I delete my browsing history as well and it's not because I have been being bad or disrespectful. I just don't think he needs to know where I've been and what I've been doing while there. If I want him to know everything then I'll tell him. Until then, he respects my privacy and trusts I'm not being disengenuous when he's not been included. Same goes for him when he's been on mine. i don't look to see where he's been or if he's hidden it.

This is healthy: you both agreed to this settlement (verbally or non-verbally), and you're both OK with it. In the OP's case, on the other hand, she isn't OK with him deleting his web history... again, a miscommunication problem. I hope they talked about this and reached an agreement - there isn't a "right" or "wrong" settlement, IMO. It's all about what works for the people involved.

It is very normal to do that if one refuses to be controlled by someone else or someone has bee over-reacting about what he has been looking at. it's human nature to try and avoid unnecessary angst to one's SO particularilly when one thinks what they've been doing is nothing to get riled over.

We don't know if she actually ever over-reacted about what he has been looking at. Actually, the OP has said several times that she wouldn't have made a scene in this case.

But yeah, I agree with the fact that they need to solve their communication and trust issues. He shouldn't have to feel the need to hide things from her, she shouldn't have to feel the need to check whether he has.

[Wakeup]

I'm going to just repeat this because you may have missed it on edit. (I think I edited 500 times fer gawd sakes )

I'll add that her subconscious reasoning for this thead came out in her subject line as far as I'm concerned; "Caught my boyfriend looking at friend's photo on facebook" If she was just concerned with him hiding what he does then wouldn't "Caught my boyfriend hiding stuff again" have been more on topic to what she's peddaling here? *Op if you're lurking I'm not attacking you but simply giving you some thngs to think about that may be answers to you're question about why he needs to hide things from you.

But yeah, I agree with the fact that they need to solve their communication and trust issues. He shouldn't have to feel the need to hide things from her, she shouldn't feel the need to check whether he has.

True enough.

[searock]

I'll add that her subconscious reasoning for this thead came out in her subject line as far as I'm concerned; "Caught my boyfriend looking at friend's photo on facebook" If she was just concerned with him hiding what he does then wouldn't "Caught my boyfriend hiding stuff again" have been more on topic to what she's peddaling here?

Yep - I was actually thinking about this, too. Good point! I wouldn't have written such a subject line, if it had been me and I'd have just been concerned with the hiding. Unless she chose that line just to get more attention (more specific)..? Guess we'll never know...

[Wakeup]

Well, I'll not hold it against her if she comes back to her thread after saying she wouldn't. I hate when people throw that chit back at people who've changed their mind. (best to never say you won't be back I guess)

[Marlee]

Get out now! Anyone who makes you feel like that is not going to make you happy in the long run, no way. If you decide to stay in the relationship for a bit just to test the waters, that is fine. But dont marry him!

[smackie9]

Can I just say it? Mountain......... mole hill.