He goes to stripper bars every week now, for 3 months - it's hard for me to get over

[darcy]

Wow - I LOVE everyone's response, I really appreciate your opinions. Smackie9 you hit the nail on the head...he blames everyone for his problems, he gets defensive, short tempered and self entitled. And bcgirl, you are right - he knows he's going to go and when he's mad at me (for getting mad at him for going when he says he won't - he's even had plans with his son that he totally blew off and I'm trying to explain to my kid why Dad isn't coming home to watch the movie with you like he promised) he spends $200 instead of his usual $100. PradaChannel, with your experience in these clubs, you know just what I'm talking about...even if he wouldn't cheat when he's sober, what's he gonna do when he's drunk and a hot chick is showing him her p---- and telling him what he wants to hear and boosting his ego so she can make some money...he's gonna make a poor decision and figure "why not?" and do it anyway. If he will go there anyway, knowing I don't like it, he'll screw her too, or get a bj or who knows what else. I feel it's cheating, regardless, because the fact is he is choosing to go, choosing to spend family money on a whore for some one-on-one time with HER, whoever it is, how many girls there are, he is making a decision to do it anyway and to he-- with me. So, it's really good to get all of your opinons because I (for some reason) was filled with doubt and wondering if it was just me. It's good to have your insight, from all of you, and ssssspanos you are right - my "silent" approval speaks volumes and it's not the right kind. My counselor is going to help with my apparent co-dependency issues and I'm going to be the strong, confident person I used to be and stay calm while I tell him I can't deal with this anymore, and that he needs to make a choice. No fighting, no drama, he will probably get mad but I'm prepared for it and ready to accept the fact that this is on him - if he continues to choose to go I can't take it and we will need to go our separate ways. And wakeup you're right, it's time to get my gurl balls, stand up for myself and let him know how I feel - I hope he will make the right decision but if he doesn't I can't continue to compromise my values and my sanity and my self esteem for this. As fruitsss said, it's up to him to change his behavior. You all ROCK!!

[bcgirl]

I want this women to have some hope that if she can get him to quite drinking, she probably will see dramatic improvement in her relationship with her husband. Of course there is no guarantee, but at least she can try.

And you should also know that trying to get an alcoholic to quit is nearly impossible. If an alcoholic ain't ready, well you can kiss that hope goodbye. Giving "hope" to a wife that her husband may one day quit is even more ludicrous. I've held on to "hope" for many years, never got me anywhere. Ended up leaving the alcoholic anyways and wished I would have sooner... If it wasn't for damn "hope".

[bcgirl]

Darcy, hang in there. Don't hang into hope. His behaviour won't change and he might have to learn the hard way and hit Rick bottom. But of course I've also dealt with a mother losing 3 children and still wasn't rock bottom for her. I understand how difficult it is to try to have a normal, calm discussion about this and your hubby has been drinking and your words are going in one ear and out the other and what it ends up in is a fight because he gets all loud and defensive. You either need to deal with living like this, or get out. It's crazy how you can live your life wondering if he's cheating with hookers. What if he brings home a disease that's in curable?? You gotta stand up for yourself and know you are incapable of curing him. He has his own battles.

[Wakeup]

Wow - I LOVE everyone's response, I really appreciate your opinions. Smackie9 you hit the nail on the head...he blames everyone for his problems, he gets defensive, short tempered and self entitled. And bcgirl, you are right - he knows he's going to go and when he's mad at me (for getting mad at him for going when he says he won't - he's even had plans with his son that he totally blew off and I'm trying to explain to my kid why Dad isn't coming home to watch the movie with you like he promised) he spends $200 instead of his usual $100. PradaChannel, with your experience in these clubs, you know just what I'm talking about...even if he wouldn't cheat when he's sober, what's he gonna do when he's drunk and a hot chick is showing him her p---- and telling him what he wants to hear and boosting his ego so she can make some money...he's gonna make a poor decision and figure "why not?" and do it anyway. If he will go there anyway, knowing I don't like it, he'll screw her too, or get a bj or who knows what else. I feel it's cheating, regardless, because the fact is he is choosing to go, choosing to spend family money on a whore for some one-on-one time with HER, whoever it is, how many girls there are, he is making a decision to do it anyway and to he-- with me. So, it's really good to get all of your opinons because I (for some reason) was filled with doubt and wondering if it was just me. It's good to have your insight, from all of you, and ssssspanos you are right - my "silent" approval speaks volumes and it's not the right kind. My counselor is going to help with my apparent co-dependency issues and I'm going to be the strong, confident person I used to be and stay calm while I tell him I can't deal with this anymore, and that he needs to make a choice. No fighting, no drama, he will probably get mad but I'm prepared for it and ready to accept the fact that this is on him - if he continues to choose to go I can't take it and we will need to go our separate ways. And wakeup you're right, it's time to get my gurl balls, stand up for myself and let him know how I feel - I hope he will make the right decision but if he doesn't I can't continue to compromise my values and my sanity and my self esteem for this. As fruitsss said, it's up to him to change his behavior. You all ROCK!!

Don't lose sight of the point that if he gets the help he needs for his addiction then he wouldn't be going to ANY bar. As you learn about codependency, darcy you'll understand what "enabling" is and you'll stop being one. Once you stop being one, you will then have the strength to take the step to make your own life and that of your son's a happy and healthy one away from the alcholic. You'll understand that you have no control over his drinking (or choices where he drinks) and you'll change the things you can which is what You will do not what he does or will do.

If after he hits some kind of rock bottom, he will see the light but not before then. His rock bottom may be your leaving or it may not. His rock bottom may be getting a DUI or losing his job.. but just keep in mind that this is nothing you have control over. YOU and what YOU do is where your control lays.

Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie it will help you to understand.

I think most everyone now a days has some experience with an alcoholic family member or friend, unfortunately.

[darcy]

That's the EXACT same book my counselor suggested.

[bcgirl]

A family friend of mine is an alchoholic and drug addict. She ended up hooking to support her addictions despite having children. Her children were taken away from her by the court of law. That wasn't rock bottom. She ended up homeless living on the worst street in North America "east Hastings" (you know what I'm talking about smackie). She stole to feed her addictions. She was a hooker to feed her addictions. She was stabbed, shot, beaten many times and that wasn't rock bottom. I took her in sometimes when she needed the help. It's funny she had never ever stole from me even in desperate times. Not a peny was ever missing yet she managed to live a very fu(ked up life all high and drunk. Anyways, Darcy to answer your question about the whores in the bars.... Yes they do prey on drunk men with money to spend. My hooker friend uses this tactic as does many working girls. And oddly enough, most clients are married men who they think their wives have no clue. And you would be surprised how many married men end up falling in love with their hookers. This would be the easiest money for them

[Wakeup]

Darcy: Do not let other peoples horror stories frighten you. Keep focused on the goal which is YOU becoming strong and healthy enough to do what YOU have to do to make your's and your son's life a good one. If your husband sees the light and changes after your gone (or before you leave) then that is a bonus. Just know that you have zero control over his choices. That is what codependency is.. you trying to have control and failing at it. It's as much of an addiction as any addiction only it doesn't entail substance abuse.

[Lord Darkshire]

Darcy I wish you all the best, whatever the outcome. Please come back and up date us. It seems everyone has really put an effort into this thread to help you out. Congratz on everyone here who has participated.

[bcgirl]

Darcy: Do not let other peoples horror stories frighten you. Keep focused on the goal which is YOU becoming strong and healthy enough to do what YOU have to do to make your's and your son's life a good one. If your husband sees the light and changes after your gone (or before you leave) then that is a bonus. Just know that you have zero control over his choices. That is what codependency is.. you trying to have control and failing at it. It's as much of an addiction as any addiction only it doesn't entail substance abuse.

K so I guess AA/ Alnon meetings are out of the question cuz you will hear horror stories after horror stories in there.

[Wakeup]

K so I guess AA/ Alnon meetings are out of the question cuz you will hear horror stories after horror stories in there.

My advice was for her to not let others horror stories distract from her concentrating on her own recovery. Hearing a horror story sans the support that goes with it (at al-anon meetings) is what I'm against... not ala-non or hearing stories in general.

Further: The stories darcy hears in a 12 step programme will be from those in the same stage and getting help first hand. Wherein she can give support back once she is actually able to identify with which is being codependent and an enabler.

[darcy]

thanks Lord Darkshire! It does seem everyone has really put an effort into this and I really value everyone's input. I know that I, and I alone, am responsible for the choices I make and am responsible for my own happiness. However, this situation has me thinking not so clearly, bringing out my neurotic tendencies and making me seek other people's opinions to see if there's anyone else who views this as I do.

[darcy]

I haven't mentioned alanon yet, but tomorrow is my second session. I'm sure this won't come as a surprise that my dad was a vodka alcoholic too, except he was really mean and did some bad things. so I've been reading some self-help books trying to see why I make the decisions I do, why this is bothering me so much, why I put up with things I normally wouldn't put up with. Apparently I have some unresolved angers and PTSD (my childhood was pretty bad but I just tried to move on with life...25+ years later it has started to bother me). I get upset thinking about therapy because on 1 hand I don't want to do it - I don't want to go and relive that hell again. on the other hand I want to be emotionally stable and mentally fit and get to the bottom of these issues. I told my husband today how hard it is for me but I'm determined to do what's necessary to deal with this once and for all, and that another reason I'm going to see a therapist is because I am having a really hard time with him going to a stripper bar. I told him it's tearing me up inside, making me anxious and I'm obsessing over it, and asked if he could please not go back for a while until I've had a month or two of counseling, at least until after the holidays. Why am I such a chicken? I worried for days about asking him this, worried he would get mad at me for asking, worried we would have another fight (the last one got pretty ugly) but I finally got my nerve up and feel much better about doing it. He said yes, he wouldn't go back. We'll see how long that lasts. I feel relieved yet at the same time feel it's just a reprieve, that we're not really at the root of the problem. Part of me feels that him WANTING to go is the problem, and maybe I don't have a right to ask him to not do something he wants to do. How messed up is that? Part of me wanted to be "cool" about it. The rest of me is pretty sure I have every right to ask him not to go and not to blame this on anything to do with my messed up childhood, and see it for the problem it is. So anyway, I guess I have a lot to work on. This forum has helped so much in the fact that I've voiced feelings and emotions I haven't recognized in a very long time, and I feel I'm on the road to feeling better about myself, and will be more confident and stronger, to stand up for myself and realize what happens will happen, I just need to be mentally fit enough to do the right thing and quit lounging around in self doubt and wondering. Yes, I hope he doesn't go back ever, but I can't keep living like that, every week wondering if he will go or not. So thanks again, to everyone, and to Wilf who said it was human to worry about this, and everyone else too for your concern and shared advice. I really appreciate every single post.

[lowesick]

how can you even live with this thought.. that he is around all those dirty naked women in drunken state and nothing "xxx" really happens... its as impossible as seeing moon in the day!!! So don't trust me.. he doesn't care about you.. its NOT love.. you have been this much great to this man all your life.. and look what is he returning you.. !!!!! He is for sure taking you for granted.. i think you should take a break.. and go on some vacations ALONE!!! and let him cryy alone... or the best thing.. JUST MOVE ON!!! I HATE SUCH MEN!!

[bcgirl]

Darcy, you mention your father was an alchy and you had a bad childhood. This is no coincidence. Usually ppl tend to pick partners that resemble good and bad characteristics of their parents. Was your mother the type to be frightened and scared to talk to your father too? Did u often find yourself a hopeless And scared little girl while witnessing your father in these drunken rages? A good book to read is "getting the love you want" by Hendrix.

[smackie9]

how can you even live with this thought.. that he is around all those dirty naked women in drunken state and nothing "xxx" really happens... its as impossible as seeing moon in the day!!! So don't trust me.. he doesn't care about you.. its NOT love.. you have been this much great to this man all your life.. and look what is he returning you.. !!!!! He is for sure taking you for granted.. i think you should take a break.. and go on some vacations ALONE!!! and let him cryy alone... or the best thing.. JUST MOVE ON!!! I HATE SUCH MEN!!

This is the reason why we still have wars and conflict..... lynch mob mentality.