He goes to stripper bars every week now, for 3 months - it's hard for me to get over

[darcy]

yes, bc girl you are correct about my childhood. I hate the fact that apparently alot of who I am, who I've become, is so text book for children of alcoholics, and for years I kept trying to tell myself I don't fall into that category. Hopefully the therapy will help me to realize it's okay to not like the fact that he's going to a stripper bar, that it's okay to stand up for myself and on this issue that I can't ignore, it's okay to actually not ignore it. I have a tendency to bury my head in the sand, always trying to keep the peace, just as I did when I was young. I'll admit I'm struggling with the fact that he very well may choose to continue to go, and that as much as I don't want our relationship to end, there have been other problems as well and that my life will be fine if it comes down to that. I don't want our little family to break up - he's a great Dad, and we've been so happy together (and at times miserable together) and I want to work on making our marraige last, but I'm not going to budge on this issue. I'm hopeful therapy can help me feel more confident and comfortable with myself and be able to calmly deal with this situation, because I have a feeling he will go back. I really hope not. It breaks my heart to think about it. But I can't go on like this, where whatever he does or does not do has such an impact on me - I'm going to learn more about co-dependency and try to resolve some issues with my childhood, while at the same time get the back bone I used to have back and make a decision that I need to make. Thanks again girl for listening, and for your care and concern. I am glad I have a couple of weeks at least to try to work all this crap out in my head without feeling the weekly threat of him going there. That probably sounds so lame, but it's the truth, and I have to use this time wisely to prepare myself emotionally and mentally to do the right thing for me and my son. I would rather be without my husband than live like this, and at some point we will need to bring it up and discuss it, not me just wait around until he goes back again and then flip out.

[darcy]

BC Girl, regarding what you said the other day...damn "hope" is getting old, I know what you mean! I can't keep "HOPING" he won't go back, I need to know he won't continue to go. I'm still obsessing over this! It's making me crazy, and I need to get right in the head and quit letting this control my brain.

[smackie9]

Just remember it takes TWO to repair a marriage. If he isn't willing to, then let him learn that there are consequences for his poor behavior and that's you asking him for a divorce.

[Wakeup]

BC Girl, regarding what you said the other day...damn "hope" is getting old, I know what you mean! I can't keep "HOPING" he won't go back, I need to know he won't continue to go. I'm still obsessing over this! It's making me crazy, and I need to get right in the head and quit letting this control my brain.

*snipped*

You probably should be worrying more about your own recovery and thinking about things one day at a time and less about what you or he is going to be or not doing. You'll feel less crazy if you stop trying to predict and/or control the future.

[smackie9]

She needs to grow a spine first before she can get control of her life.

[Wakeup]

Darcy: You need to get control of Your life in order to grow the nerve you'll need to stop enabling. Right now, you seem to be concentrating (still) on trying to "fix" and control your husband which, you will fail at. Remember, you only have control over yourself and your own actions. He's responsible for yours. He knows how you feel, he's told you he won't go and now it's up to you to let go. Apparently you're feeling very much out of control. Yes/no? (based on yourlast post). Try to stop worrying about what he may do and focus more on what you are doing to make you more healthy, more interdependent and less codependent. Have you gotten that book yet?

[bcgirl]

BC Girl, regarding what you said the other day...damn "hope" is getting old, I know what you mean! I can't keep "HOPING" he won't go back, I need to know he won't continue to go. I'm still obsessing over this! It's making me crazy, and I need to get right in the head and quit letting this control my brain.

Yes, having "hope" is what keeps many ppl in crappy relationships. Hoping their spouse will one day magically change. The reality is that he may always be an alcoholic for life. There isn't "hope" that you can help him magically get over his demons. You are not him and you are separate from him. His demons are for him to battle within himself. What your duty is to make yourself physically and mentally well and especially your son. What you've witnessed through your childhood, you will carry with you for life. It is no coincidence most abused kids will end up abusers or codependants. It is no coincidence that most kids that grew up with dysfunctional parents will marry into a dysfunctional relationship. What your duty is to protect your son from this vicious cycle. Kids are like sponges and absorb everything around them and will carry what they see into adult life. Hopefully you will give the right tools and lead by example to show your son that you are a strong and independent woman. So hopefully your son will grow up to marry a woman who possesses all the great qualities and have a great marriage. Not a girl who is an alcoholic that will cheat on him. What you show your son from now on, he will see and take with him the rest of his life.

[Boisdevie]

So many women seem to have this idea that:
I can change him
My love will change him

Bollocks. If he's not bothered then he won't change.

[dickriculous]

So many women seem to have this idea that:
I can change him
My love will change him

Bollocks. If he's not bothered then he won't change.

Actually I've seen women change their men before...

...until he starts to despise being changed because apparently he wasn't good enough for her before so she had to fix him/control him. Then he starts to regress, both because changing for her was too emotionally exhausting and because now he wants to spite her for controlling him. Then she feels betrayed and/or deceived because it turns out that him changing for her was just a facade. Now they hate each other more than ever because she is a controlling high maintenance bitch and he is a deceitful prick who will lie about anything to get what he wants.

But then they work out their differences and come closer than ever for enduring such a hardship together...


...just kidding, the hate festers until one kills the other and ends up in prison for life.



Just to clarify I'm on the "forget about trying to change him and make a clean break before he utterly ruins you" bandwagon.

[darcy]

I can't say I really want to CHANGE him, because this behavior is NEW. In our 13 years together he has never went to a stripper bar (that I'm aware of). so yes, I want him to stop going; it's wrong, it's disrespectful, it's deceitful and there is nothing good that can come of this - it's only going to cause a huge problem in our relationship if he decides to continue to go. so it's hard for me to think of actually moving out over this, but now it seems much more than just the actual going to the whorehouse and spending our money on other women. now it's like a battle of wills or something, everyone thinks I'm trying to control him, when I just want him to stop spending time with other women! An affair would hurt just as bad. Yes, I feel he is resentful for me trying to get him to not go. As he told me on our last big fight the day after Halloween (he promised he would come home after the brewery - we even HAD PLANS and he had plans with our kid as well that he totally blew off)...he told me I don't own him and it was selfish of me to ask him not to go hang out with his friends. I told him it's not hanging out with his friends that bothers me, hell I even encouraged him to go hang out with his friends because I trusted him. It's where he chooses to go that bothers me, and then he lies and says he never does any lap dances or private shows because that would be a breach of trust. I'm afraid to tell him I know he's lying, I know how much money he is spending. Now I feel like the fool - he's mad at me for getting mad at him for going even after he told me 3 times he wouldn't go back. So, in a way I guess I want to change him in the fact that I don't want him to go, and I want him to go back to being the faithful husband he was before any of this started in September. Yes, I have issues (so does he, so do most people) but is this problem because of those issues, or is the way I'm responding to these problems because of those issues?

[Wakeup]

Darcy... you're still not getting that all of this is due to his alcoholism. You're still very new at working on your own recovery. Once you realize what codependency is, you'll either stop arguing about him going and you'll understand that everytime you argue with him about it that you are indeed trying to control him, or you'll leave him if he doesn't care to consider you and how this makes you feel.

You, just like the alcoholic in your life are making excuses for what you do. You blame your fear and arguing on the "whorehouse" and you fail to see that if he quit drinking he wouldn't go to ANY bar and this one problem you seem to think is the cause of everything will go away.

You want him to go back to the faithful husband he was before any of this started in September. So, what did you guys arguing about all the time before he started going to strip bars. Did you find it perfectly fine that he cracks open a bottle before heading off to work and then likely driving home drunk after leaving the bar? Is that what happens, darcy?

[smackie9]

This is typical alcoholic bull crap. "Mind your own business" "It's you that is being the problem" "Leave me alone, you don't know anything" "I'm not doing anything wrong, now go away" "Stop pestering me you are pissin me off" "I'll do what I want" "I don't have a problem with drinking" "I can quit anytime" etc. Wakeup is right...how much of a danger is he being to himself and possibly to others?

I know that the anger can even get worse when they haven't had a drink. And the attitude....

I think what we are all saying in one way or another is to save yourself first. Back away from your marriage, get some help and recover...if you hang on all he is going to do is pull you down with him.

[darcy]

both you and smackie9 are right. I tried posting an answer to you earlier wakeup but it didn't go thru apparently because I don't see it now. The book just came in today - I already picked it up and apparently I have a lot to learn. I didn't think I was controlling. I kinda knew I probably don't deal with issues in a "healthy" manner - I think a lot of time I'm a people pleaser and don't like to make people mad because of things I never dealt with when I was little...there's no way I would ever do anything to make my dad mad because the consequences were unspeakable. anyway, all that aside. no, I have a problem with him taking his flask to work, and I'm very concerned about him driving home drunk after leaving the bar. I accept the fact that he drinks starting by 8 a.m. (sometimes earlier) on the weekends, because all in all things are not that bad. he's a good dad, and for the most part a pretty good person. I've been journaling for a few months now, and when i look back at what made me angry before, it was control issues - him trying to control me, with any little detail such as how I drive, how I cook, if I give my kid junk food, etc.

[bcgirl]

You want him to go back to the faithful husband he was before any of this started in September. So, what did you guys arguing about all the time before he started going to strip bars. Did you find it perfectly fine that he cracks open a bottle before heading off to work and then likely driving home drunk after leaving the bar? Is that what happens, darcy?

Sometimes ppl can live with an alcoholic and have a good relationship. I was with an alcoholic for many years and it wasn't his drinking that was the problem to me. I could have cared less that he was drinking and driving to tell you the truth. I wouldn't be in the car with him, but if he wanted to kill himself then be it. If he was going to kill innocent ppl, that will be on his guilty conscience. What pissed me off is when his dependency on drugs would affect MY life. The broken promises that he wasn't able to hold up to. Probably what hurts Darcy more is that he promised to stop going to strip bars but have failed to keep his promises. Each time he promises (which is 3), each time it's going to hurt her when he gives her false hope only to go again the next week.

[Wakeup]

So in otherwords his drinking WAS the problem. He failed to keep promises because his drinking got in his way.

Thanks for proving a point, BC.