He goes to stripper bars every week now, for 3 months - it's hard for me to get over

[bcgirl]

^ not his drinking. His drug use. His drinking I was fine with. Besides, not only alcoholics break promises. There are plenty of ppl that aren't alcoholics that break promises all the time, cheat, lie etc.
I was never an alcoholic but cheated plenty

[darcy]

my heart goes out to you bcgirl - I used to date a guy who ended up pretty messed up on drugs, and it sucked when he would get so far out there all he cared about was himself and his drugs. I understand why you had to end the marraige. You are right about me - just like you - my husbands drinking doesn't really bother me that much. Compared to the drinking my Dad used to do, my husbands drinking is nothing like that was, so to me while it can be inconvenient at times, it's never been that hard for me to accept. My guy handles it well, has cut down when needed, and is trying to drink less (I know that sounds stupid when he takes a flask to work, but he is trying and if you knew how much he used to drink you would see). I always drive whenever we go anywhere, and his drinking doesn't affect me too much. I would like to think he goes to stripper bars after he's had a few drinks so I can have something to blame it on, but that's not entirely true. The first time he got mad at me (when I got mad at him for going after I found out WHERE he was going) he was completely sober when he told me he was going to go back. My childish behavior for being so upset was his reason for going, is what he said...I wasn't making a good case for myself by tearing up all these stupid little FREE PASS CARDS (from the caberet, for him to get back in without paying a cover charge) after I found them in his truck. Wow. That's pretty messed up, I know, and it's typical for an alcoholic to blame someone else for their issues - it's my fault he's going back. Yeah, right. So anyway, I can see where there are things I need to deal with personally, emotionally, and I agree it's not right for him to treat me this way, and it's not right for me to allow him to treat me this way (& I'm working on that), but the thing that right now is bothering me more than anything ever has in the 13 years we've been together, is him going to the stripper bar and dropping $80-$100 cash (average, sometimes more) each time he goes. Sure, sometimes it's less, but it's still enough for me to see that he is doing more than drinking. He likes to be a big shot and flash money around, just like he did when he had a lot of money. Now, we don't have a lot of money. We are middle-income at best, but even if we had a lot of money it would still hurt that he is paying another woman to be with her. I can see where therapy will help me stand up for myself, and not be afraid to let him know that I don't buy his excuses and lies anymore and confident enough to stand my ground, even if I have to make a really hard decision. I don't want our family to break up, I don't want that at all. But I can't accept that kind of treatment any more either. We've been getting along so well this past 3 weeks, he hasn't been back and he said he won't go back (for at least a while anyway) and I plan on discussing this with him again in a few weeks so we can hopefully work on this and deal with these issues. But I just wanted to let you know, you hit the nail on the head and my main problem is him being with other women and going to the stripper bar.

[smackie9]

You are not weak by getting into this situation, only when you don't get yourself out. It's about self worth. I had an ex that was a pot smoker that got into doing coke. Within months he lost his job, was selling stolen goods (I didn't know until later), smashed my car up, then started to sell coke with his buddies...I dumped him and tossed out a 5 year relationship. I wasn't going to stick around and try and fix that mess.

[bcgirl]

You are not weak by getting into this situation, only when you don't get yourself out. It's about self worth. I had an ex that was a pot smoker that got into doing coke. Within months he lost his job, was selling stolen goods (I didn't know until later), smashed my car up, then started to sell coke with his buddies...I dumped him and tossed out a 5 year relationship. I wasn't going to stick around and try and fix that mess.

Nice. My ex never got to that point. He was a functioning alcoholic, coke user. He had ADD as a child. And ppl with ADD have a higher chance of getting addicted to coke. What coke did for him was the opposite. It calmed him down, not hyped him up. But it was DAMN expensive! I had to leave him because I was not cool with his spending habits and putting himself in a hole of debt. Mind you, he drove half cut all the time, but did it like a pro. Never any accidents, always went to work etc .

[bcgirl]

Darcy, I get you. You met him when he was an alchy. Your dad was an achy and so since childhood you dealt with that. It's what's familiar to you. What happens is that adults end up being attracted to ppl that feel familiar. If he was a goody two shoe nerd that was a total health freak, you would have probably never been attracted to him in the first place or worse... End up married to someone you don't fully love. The fact that your hubby drinks is fine with you if it's in your control. If he drinks at home, it's controlled. If he drinks at a strip bar, it's not controlled and therefore makes you upset because its in unfamiliar territory which leads you to have fearful feelings of infidelity etc. if he drinks at home or at a normal bar, it's familiar and these feelings of cheating would never come to the surface. You met him as an achy, if he became totally sober one day... A part of his personality, a part of him that you fell in love with will be lost (my ex tried to quit and when he wasn't drinking, he became different...I didn't like it, its not who i fell in love with, I liked his personality more when he was a functioning alcoholic yet not a drunk)

[darcy]

I have been reading the book you suggested smackie9, along with Women who Love Too Much. It's helpful literature, and I am still going to my therapist once a week starting back again next week. He hasn't been back to the stripper bars. He's going out tonight to drink with friends at the brewery that closes at 7:30 and told my son and me he would be home for dinner by 8. We'll see. I just wanted to keep you guys updated since you've been so nice with all of your advice. My anxiety over this is something I'm working on, and I'm trying exercises to keep myself calm so when he and I talk about this hopefully we won't fight. My mind is going crazy with so many emotions and I need to get myself right in the head in order to best deal with this, but at the same time I feel we will need to discuss this and come to some resolution on if he is going back or not. I still hate to think of ending a relationship based on him going to stripper bars, but it's really much more than that. I hate ultimatums, but it's time to be honest and while there are alot of things I CAN handle, this stripper thing isn't one of them and I can't pretend it won't bother me when I know how much it will. I guess I'm afraid he will choose stripper bar over me, but in reality I know if he does I'm better off anyway in the long run. Thanks again to all you guys, bcgirl, smackie9, wilf, and more...

[darcy]

hey there WakeUp I've been thinking about what you said, and I read the book you suggested and am feeling much better about things - I thought it was someone else who suggested so I just wanted to properly thank you. ANYWAY, the good news is he isn't going back to the stripper bars! I finally GREW A SPINE, and got the nerve to be proactive and talk with him about this the first week in January. I was calm, and while he wasn't at first he eventually calmed down and quit being defensive and told me he wouldn't go back - and I didn't even have to ask him. I'm glad because I really don't like ultimatums and didn't want to have to give him one. He's a smart guy and thank goodness he realized this is too much stress and trouble over something "so trivial" and told me he wouldn't be going back. So I wanted to share the good news!! Of course I'm aware he may be lying as he did before but for right now, I need to believe him until he proves otherwise. He hasn't been to the stripper bar since December 5. I'm still working on my therapy. He has really cut back on his drinking and things are much better than they have been in a long while. Thanks again to all of you for your insights.

[MehicanFather]

Great news darcy. Thanks for sharing.

[bcgirl]

Good! Thanks for coming back and keeping us posted. Hang in there.

[smackie9]

Thanks for the update.