Need some thoughts/feedback

[lcheng]

Need some advice/feedback regarding the following below… my instinct/gut is that I should just simply talk to her about it. I believe honesty, openness and communication is the foundation for a successful relationship… at the same time, I’m just not sure if it’s too soon to talk about this, or if I’m just overreacting/overanalyzing.

I’ve been dating this girl for a little over 4 months now and overall, it’s been going pretty well. We were exclusive as of 3.5 months ago, and officially boyfriend/girlfriend as of a little more than 2 months ago.

I’ve got this wavering feeling (comes and goes) of just being “convenient” for her (i.e. she only hangs out with me when she doesn’t have other plans/schedules me around her plans and not vice versa), and that I’m putting in all the effort and making the moves. When we’re not together, I feel like I’m always pushing to hang out and trying to make plans. And I’ll call her if I haven’t seen her in some time and check up but she’ll hardly do the vice versa. Additionally, while I’ve met all of her friends, she doesn’t infrequently invite me out with her. Also, she’s also super laid back/chill (from California) that sometimes it just seems like indifference. Most specifically, I told her a few weeks ago about plans for a weekend in January and to leave it free, and she said okay. However, she ended up telling me a few days ago that her friends will be in town and she won’t be able to make it anymore.

At the same time, I’m 24 and I’ve been working in NYC for a couple years, while she just graduated undergrad and moved to NYC and started working. So I understand she is new to the city, in a different phase of her life, and wants to go out and party and do a lot of stuff. Additionally, it’s not like she’s unresponsive to my texts or phone calls (and I’m not always initiating texts, though I generally always initiate calls) – we’re constantly communicating. And we do spend a lot of time together (maybe 48 hours of every weekend?), and she does e-mail me with suggestions for things to do, though she hardly actively asks “do you want to do X on Y date?” And with her super laid back/chill personality, she just seems to be a bit more impulsive, e.g. if we’ve hung out the entire day, then she’ll often ask if I want to stay over or something which accounts for us ending up spending a lot of weekends together. Plus, if she has friends visiting from California, then it makes sense that she may need to defer to them… but with regards to bailing on my plans in January, I think she could have handled that better (e.g. tell me at the time her friends might visit, rather than committing). And she did put a lot of effort into multiple surprises for me on my birthday last week…

So I guess my feeling is that I just wish there was more consistency? Sometimes I get the feeling she’s really into it and puts in a lot of effort (most notably when we’re together, but it’s also evident that she wants to hang out when we’re not together). But sometimes I feel the complete opposite (most notably when we’re not together, though she constantly texts me and suggests plans, but never calls or actually asks me straight up to do anything).

[geminimoongal]

Sounds like you are insecure. She seem to be ok so don;t ruin a good thing. You need to look up low self esteem and read all about it to help yourself.

[rayna]

I agree with above. She has a social life outside of her relationship with you, and that's normal. You should too. If it really bothers you, maybe you should sit her down and honestly say that you'd like it if she called/initiated a bit more. Find your way of wording that better. I think it's usually assumed that the guy should be doing all the initiating/planning, but people are not going to know what you do/don't like if you never express it.

[smackie9]

You two are incompatible. She doesn't want a total committed relationship and there is nothing wrong with that because she is young. You on the other hand want someone that is a part of your life and shares your life...you both are not on the same page. It's time to let her go and find someone more suited to your relationship needs.

And I disagree, you are not insecure, it's that you both have different relationship expectations. Just see it for what it is and move on.