So can exs bes friends or what? is there more going on here?

[Christinepaul]

My ex and I broke up a month ago (we're both 20). Long story short he said he didn't want to be with me. Said it wasn't a "good time" cause of situations in his life and that we just didn't work together. I "wasn't what he wanted" and he "wasn't able to be what I wanted"

We broke up, he was messaging me the next day on FB saying he still liked me, the next week he missed me. Stuff like that. Once even said "please let me be with you again", but we agreed to talk about it after he had time to think, and after our exams were over (because neither of us needed more stress at that point).
He never brought it up again. I was just seriously confused by it all.

I finally broke No Contact (on my side, he had contacted me after the break up a few times) and just messaged him to say hi and see how he was-mostly because I missed talking to him and felt mean for avoiding him for so long even though he obviously wanted to talk. He was confused by me contacting him, but when we broke up he asked me to tell him when I was ok with being friends, if that ever happened. Which I am now, so I told him so. (I wasn't too torn up about the whole break up. A little upset, but we were only together a month before this, and there were obviously things going on in his life.)
We talked for like an hour, really friendly, until he started flirting again a little (a hard habit to break, lol) and I sort of shut him down (not being mean or anything, just jokingly, sarcastically). He immediately turned the conversation to telling me all about how he made out with his best friend's little sister whom he met the last week. haha

He has proceeded to contact me Every day since this. Messaging me out of the blue, posting things on my wall, commenting on anything I do. He's talking to me more now than when we were dating!

I don't want you all to take this as a "OMG does he want me back" post, because that's not what I'm asking, I'm just wondering if anyone has had an experience with an ex who ends the relationship and *actually* wants to be friends. Close friends.
I'm fine now with being friends. I like his personality and I love talking to him, but I've realized that we don't work as a couple. Personally, I think because we dated for such a short amount of time (only a month), we should be able to be friends now, but I'm getting mixed signals from him.
On one hand he broke up with me, and obviously moved to other girls (lol), and dropped the conversation about getting back together, but on the other he was asking to get back together in the first place, saying he missed me, and is now talking to me now more than ever.

I've always heard that guys don't really care to be friends with girls they don't want to "do". So I'm just wondering if being friends is possible or if he still has ulterior motives? Or do you think he's the rare kind that actually wants me to be a platonic friend in his life? I don't want to confuse the situation by us being on different pages.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Definitely doesn't want to be friends, at least not right now. He's using his contact to help him get over you. You should stop talking to him altogether.

[basilandthyme]

Backup could be right on the money.

Also, think towards your own dating future. How many potential boyfriends would be happy with you having a bestie who's an ex-bf?

Don't sabotage your future because it's difficult to let go of the past.

[Christinepaul]

I think that's what I should do too, but I'm just confused by the mixed signals. If he still wants to be more than friends, and is needing "help getting over me", then that's totally opposite from the vibe I got when we broke up. He seemed like he just lost interest and didn't want to be with me anymore. Then immediately afterward was when all this "I still like you" stuff started happening.
If he wants a relationship then A. why doesn't he say so now? and B. why did we break up in the first place?

All rhetorical of course, I don't expect anyone to know what he wants any more than I do. siigh. But it helps to rant a little, as we all know, lol.
Thank you for responding, it helps to hear other perspectives.

[Christinepaul]

Backup could be right on the money.

Also, think towards your own dating future. How many potential boyfriends would be happy with you having a bestie who's an ex-bf?

Don't sabotage your future because it's difficult to let go of the past.

hah, well I don't really think like that. I guess that's what you guys are here for. But I'd hope any potential future boyfriends would be stable/confident enough to handle that. I'm not sure I'd want to date someone that couldn't trust me. Besides, it's hard to even see him as an ex since we dated for such a short time (a month). We were just beginning to fall into the "feeling like a couple" phase when we broke up. Which is part of the reason this situation is so murky. Had we dated for a substantial amount of time, I would definitely say no contact, but we barely had a history at that point and the break up was low key and amicable so it's hard to see the problem. :/

[basilandthyme]

I don't see the issue of having a best friend of the opposite sex as a matter of trust. Instead, I think a man's best female friend should be his girlfriend. And vice verca.

A new boyfriend would want to be YOUR best friend.....not have you sharing all your secrets with some other dude.

[Christinepaul]

I don't see the issue of having a best friend of the opposite sex as a matter of trust. Instead, I think a man's best female friend should be his girlfriend. And vice verca.

A new boyfriend would want to be YOUR best friend.....not have you sharing all your secrets with some other dude.

Oh, yeah, I definitely agree with that. I just don't agree that he and I would be best friends or anything. Just friends in general is all I'm looking at right now.

[Christinepaul]

Definitely doesn't want to be friends, at least not right now. He's using his contact to help him get over you. You should stop talking to him altogether.

I read this again, and could you explain what you mean "using his contact to help him get over me"? It just seems counterproductive. If he wants to get over me wouldn't he just stop talking to me?

[starlight87]

Generally my idea is an ex is an ex for a reason, and I don't do the friendship thing. But I have an exception to that rule - long distance relationship which he couldn't handle, even though originally I was more concerned about the distance than he was. I have to admit I didn't always make it easy for us to stay friends. But over 5 years later, we are still friends. Maybe it's the distance that's meant that can work for us.

[Fruitsss]

it is like he wants me back post. its over just move on. trying to keep hanging on each other by saying lets be freinds only stands in both of you way to move on and have a other bf.

cause no one wants someone who still hanging with their ex,it also bring trust issues in your new relationship

[BlueberryCookie]

Sometimes, it is necessary to break up if you both don't agree on something. Then once you both openly discuss the issue you disagree on and come to a compromise, you can get back together again as a real couple. It often happens. It may be that he loves you but doesn't agree with some of your ways / views, but he's prepared to see if you can compromise. He may be waiting to see if you'll change. That's why he wants to be friends first. He won't say this to you because he is testing you. If he sees the changes that he is looking for, once again, he will suggest to get back together officially again.

[Boisdevie]

I have never been friends, or best friends with an ex. Never. What is the point. I already have friends.

[love&otherdrugs]

Well, first thing first, how long were you two together? If it was a relationship over a year, a month may be too soon to work toward a platonic relationship. On your part, you may be over him and ready to move on, but he may be looking to contact you as a way to cope with "dumper's remorse." In all my years of helping friends with breakups, and even during my own breakups, the "friends" thing never worked until both people were completely moved on and working fully on themselves. I am friends with one of my exes. He actually drove me home on my 21st birthday, because as you can imagine I was a mess. But, it took us years to get there, between unresolved feelings and jealous new relationship partners. It CAN happen, but with the way he is behaving, it sounds like it's just too soon right now.