Marriage versus Career Dilemma

[steviej]

So, your choice boils down to either follow your ambition of doing what you really want, or forgo everything to settle for a life of playing happy families with someone you aren't massively into and who isn't exactly gushing with emotion towards you either.

Dump him, do what you really want. Having children for the sake of it is not a good start.

[BlueberryCookie]

That doesn't sound ideal that your boyfriend has controlling tendencies. For a really important decision like this one about your career, your choice should be your choice, not a decision made for you by your parents or your boyfriend. However, if you break up with him now, you might be effectively deciding against starting a family, because you will be very focused on your career for a few years, and then definitely operating at a disadvantage jumping back into dating in your late 30s. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to about this? This might just be the most important decision of the rest of your life.

I have many family members and friends who are throwing their advice to me. However, all of them have their own motives and agendas, so their advice are all biased. I need all the opinion / advice / suggestions / notes of caution I can get here. Thanks a lot

[VincenzoG91]

I am in love with him. But maybe because of the distance, I can't say I'm head over heals in love with him. Also, I feel he is not even giving me a chance to accept a prestigious scholarship for postdoc - which may never come again. Yeah, probably doing a postdoc would open my options and surround me with guys with more drive and more similar interests. I love this guy but our timing is not quite right - probably because he is older and achieved all that he wanted whereas I still have one last thing I would like to do before marriage. Or maybe I should just let it go?

I just voted: dump him. You two are at different points in your lives, and it doesn't sound like you would have long-term happiness with this guy, regardless of which way you decide. It doesn't make either of you the bad guy. Take the post-doc option and hopefully you will meet the right guy there.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I agree with Vincenzo. Dump him. Take the postdoc at Stanford.

I don't think you'd be happy with him long term.

[BlueberryCookie]

So, your choice boils down to either follow your ambition of doing what you really want, or forgo everything to settle for a life of playing happy families with someone you aren't massively into and who isn't exactly gushing with emotion towards you either.

Dump him, do what you really want. Having children for the sake of it is not a good start.

steviej, glad you were able to see this. I'm in love with him but not massively into him. He also has some health issues also which I am concerned about. The other problem is I have had no chance to be physical with him due to our location. Also being in different locations does not allow us to fully explore our relationship such as the dynamics when I move in with his parents. So, to forgo a prestigious scholarship for marriage at this stage may be difficult. I am not ready to decide whether to marry him but the two job / scholarship offers requires me to choose either to be with him at the same location or further away from him than I am now. Please help......

[BlueberryCookie]

I just voted: dump him. You two are at different points in your lives, and it doesn't sound like you would have long-term happiness with this guy, regardless of which way you decide. It doesn't make either of you the bad guy. Take the post-doc option and hopefully you will meet the right guy there.

VincenzoG91, thanks for your vote . I guess we are both at different points in our lives. If I take a postdoc, should I still keep in touch with him? Or break free completely so that I can date some cool postdoc guys?

[VincenzoG91]

VincenzoG91, thanks for your vote . I guess we are both at different points in our lives. If I take a postdoc, should I still keep in touch with him? Or break free completely so that I can date some cool postdoc guys?

He may become bitter about this, and see it as you choosing your career over him. Probably better to make it a clean break and move on.

[BlueberryCookie]

I agree with Vincenzo. Dump him. Take the postdoc at Stanford.

I don't think you'd be happy with him long term.

Thanks for your vote, BackUpOrGetStng . Just curious... why do you think I won't be happy with him for long term?

[BlueberryCookie]

He may become bitter about this, and see it as you choosing your career over him. Probably better to make it a clean break and move on.

Thanks. In fact, he is already seeing me in that light even though I do love him.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think you won't be happy because while he does have a point about him waiting around for you, it just seems like he's going to want to control everything. He also shouldn't hold you back from a decision that would be good for you, if it's what you really want.

[basilandthyme]

I don't see your guy as 'controlling'. Instead, I see a guy who's made a lot of sacrifices and who needs to start seeing those sacrifices being paid back.

A relationship is about 'give and take'. Not just 'take'. If you're not willing to start giving back now, then it's best to cut him loose and let him find someone who can meet his needs.

[BlueberryCookie]

I think you won't be happy because while he does have a point about him waiting around for you, it just seems like he's going to want to control everything. He also shouldn't hold you back from a decision that would be good for you, if it's what you really want.

Thanks for your opinion. I feel that he's blackmailing me - since he waited so long for me, I should get married with him now and forgo everything else even if it's important to me. I'm afraid that he will use this reason (i.e. his waiting for me) whenever he needs anything from me. Will this happen or am I just being paranoid? :O

[BlueberryCookie]

I don't see your guy as 'controlling'. Instead, I see a guy who's made a lot of sacrifices and who needs to start seeing those sacrifices being paid back.

A relationship is about 'give and take'. Not just 'take'. If you're not willing to start giving back now, then it's best to cut him loose and let him find someone who can meet his needs.

I have supported him during his tough times. He was laid off and I supported him for several months till he found another job. Also, emotionally, I have always been there for him - especially when his mother was ill and he was feeling depressed. He constantly has problems at work too and I always give him suggestions and advice.

[basilandthyme]

No, it's not blackmail. He's just tired of forgoing things which are important to him while you get your own needs met.

While you are afraid he will raise this issue in the future, he's probably wondering if you will ever stop putting yourself and your career before his needs.

[basilandthyme]

I have supported him during his tough times. He was laid off and I supported him for several months till he found another job. Also, emotionally, I have always been there for him - especially when his mother was ill and he was feeling depressed. He constantly has problems at work too and I always give him suggestions and advice.

I don't see any of this as 'sacrifice' on your part....this is simply part of any relationship. You wouldn't have had to put your life on hold to do any of this for him.