Marriage versus Career Dilemma

[BlueberryCookie]

I am a 33 years old female. Having completed my PhD from John Hopkins about 3 years ago, I am currently a lecturer at a small university. There are no facilities for research at the university I'm currently at, so I am keen on moving to another university to allow me to conduct my research and for career advancement.

I have two competing offers:
(1) A postdoctoral researcher at Stanford for a period of 6 months starting in 6 months (May).
(2) A visiting professor at Penn State for period of 1 year starting in 3 months (March / April).

I can only choose EITHER Stanford OR Penn State due to the overlapping start time and duration

If I choose offer (1), I have the support of my parents but may lose my boyfriend of 4 years.

If I choose offer (2), I may lose the support of my parents but still have my boyfriend of 4 years. My boyfriend stays in Penn State and promises he will marry me when I've settled down in Penn State for 3-4 months.

Is the prestige gained from doing a postdoc at Stanford worth anything?

I have visited Penn State and they have suitable equipment required for my research. The research at Stanford is not really related to my area of interest but I believe I can explore other research groups at Stanford during my postdoc. Moreover, there is a certain prestige that comes with doing a postdoc at Stanford (is this true or just a myth? )

I am a little concerned about pregnancy complications / infertility issues if I decide to postpone marriage. I may also have to find another boyfriend if he still insists that I forgo the postdoctoral position at Stanford.

However, if I agree to my boyfriend's request to forgo my postdoc this time, I fear he may ask me to forgo any ideas of advancing my career in the future.

Which offer is better for my career and marriage for long-term? Any suggestions on achieving career-marriage balance? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks

[Marlee]

Is your man supportive of your studies? Has he given you any ultimatums? I would only marry out of true unconditional love.

[fearoflove]

Can your boyfriend move with you? If he can't, you have to decide if having a family is your number one priority. If you want your own biological children for sure, then you should get married soon. At age 33, it is already very late. There will be other career opportunities later, right? Maybe after you give birth and your kid is old enough to be in daycare, you can decide to move wherever your career is.

[VincenzoG91]

You can have a career at any age, but the clock is definitely ticking if you want to have kids of your own. Also, dating gets harder for women after their mid-30s, because men tend to be more attracted to younger women, at least visually. And if your parents only have conditional love for you, it might be time to completely sever the umbilical cord.

[VincenzoG91]

I can't answer your poll question without a little more info about the relationship with the boyfriend. Aside from the current dilemma, is the relationship good? Sure, you've been together for four years, but I've seen bad relationships that lasted longer than that. Is there a satisfactory amount of communication, affection, respect, support, etc.?

[BlueberryCookie]

You can have a career at any age, but the clock is definitely ticking if you want to have kids of your own. Also, dating gets harder for women after their mid-30s, because men tend to be more attracted to younger women, at least visually. And if your parents only have conditional love for you, it might be time to completely sever the umbilical cord.

Yes, good point, VincenzoG91. That's why I'm finding it so difficult to decide whether to get married straight away or do a postdoc first. I think by the time I complete my postdoc, it will be 1 more year and I will be 34 years old. I will then have to relocate back to his city and settle down first before getting married. By the time I'm ready to have my first baby, I will be about 35 years old. Is this too late?

[BlueberryCookie]

Is your man supportive of your studies? Has he given you any ultimatums? I would only marry out of true unconditional love.

Marlee, thanks for dropping by. My boyfriend initially gave me an ultimatum but I asked him to reconsider. He said a postdoc in another city would require another long wait for him. After waiting and supporting me for 3 years to complete my PhD and after that another 1 year to start my career, he said he was very tired. He said he had made enough sacrifices and said it was my turn to make a sacrifice for him and to start a family. I think generally, I am just more ambitious than he is and he does not see the point getting a postdoc from a prestigious university. In effect, I feel he is asking me to forgo my ambition.

[VincenzoG91]

Yes, good point, VincenzoG91. That's why I'm finding it so difficult to decide whether to get married straight away or do a postdoc first. I think by the time I complete my postdoc, it will be 1 more year and I will be 34 years old. I will then have to relocate back to his city and settle down first before getting married. By the time I'm ready to have my first baby, I will be about 35 years old. Is this too late?

No way to be sure if 35 is too late. It's too late for some women, but others have had kids even later than that. An additional consideration would be birth defects. My uncle and his wife had their fifth kid when they were both 50, and that boy has Down's Syndrome, which is a relatively common defect for older parents. My unlce and his wife are fine with the situation, and the other siblings have promised to take care of him when their parents are no longer able. But having a kid with Down's Syndrome is tough, and some people don't want to deal with that.

Having kids is a dealbreaker question for a couple. You can't really compromise, either you two agree about having (or not having) kids, or you need to split up. From the sounds of it, this guy is ready to settle down and start a family. If you want to have kids, then you should get to that soon, and pick up with the career later. If you don't want to have kids, then leave this guy and pursue your career.

Just out of curiosity, did you never consider kids while mapping out your plans for college and career?

[BlueberryCookie]

I can't answer your poll question without a little more info about the relationship with the boyfriend. Aside from the current dilemma, is the relationship good? Sure, you've been together for four years, but I've seen bad relationships that lasted longer than that. Is there a satisfactory amount of communication, affection, respect, support, etc.?

We have been together in the same city for 1 year, followed by 3 years of long distance due to my studies and work. Overall, we have good communication, affection, respect and support. He has helped me emotionally in overcoming the pressures of PhD and work relocation. However, there were times in the past when he had opposing views from my parents' and there was some tension. After much discussion, he allowed me to go along with my parents' point of view, but with much dissatisfaction. He does not like that I can be influenced by my parents. He likes to have a certain amount of control over me. Do you think he is right in saying that I should not be influenced by parents, even when they are just looking out for my interests? My parents' opinions are sometimes very reasonable and I take them; but whenever they aren't relevant, I just discard them. Also, my boyfriend is 7 years older so he knows a lot more than me and is able to present his points in a way that seems appealing to me, even though the outcome is for his benefit and I end up making more sacrifices. My parents sometimes highlight this to me and he is not happy for this reason. History seems to be repeating itself with the two offers present and the different views from my parents and my boyfriend. Is it unacceptable for me to listen to other opinions (like from my parents) in order to arrive at my OWN decision? Do you think this will break the relationship?

[VincenzoG91]

That doesn't sound ideal that your boyfriend has controlling tendencies. For a really important decision like this one about your career, your choice should be your choice, not a decision made for you by your parents or your boyfriend. However, if you break up with him now, you might be effectively deciding against starting a family, because you will be very focused on your career for a few years, and then definitely operating at a disadvantage jumping back into dating in your late 30s. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to about this? This might just be the most important decision of the rest of your life.

[BlueberryCookie]

Can your boyfriend move with you? If he can't, you have to decide if having a family is your number one priority. If you want your own biological children for sure, then you should get married soon. At age 33, it is already very late. There will be other career opportunities later, right? Maybe after you give birth and your kid is old enough to be in daycare, you can decide to move wherever your career is.

Fearoflove, thank you for your suggestions. Under pressure, I no longer have a clear mind, and appreciate your comments. Actually, my boyfriend has to take care of his aging parents who need constant monitoring due to health reasons. They also are not able to drive, so he has to take them out for lunch and dinner. So, if I want to get married, I would have to relocate to his city and also forgo a prestigious scholarship for postdoc. A lot of sacrifice on my part after I get married. That is why I would like to have one last chance to pursue a postdoc before starting a family life which includes his parents too. But of course, as you pointed out, that may mean having children later - which may not be a good idea.

[BlueberryCookie]

No way to be sure if 35 is too late. It's too late for some women, but others have had kids even later than that. An additional consideration would be birth defects. My uncle and his wife had their fifth kid when they were both 50, and that boy has Down's Syndrome, which is a relatively common defect for older parents. My unlce and his wife are fine with the situation, and the other siblings have promised to take care of him when their parents are no longer able. But having a kid with Down's Syndrome is tough, and some people don't want to deal with that.

Having kids is a dealbreaker question for a couple. You can't really compromise, either you two agree about having (or not having) kids, or you need to split up. From the sounds of it, this guy is ready to settle down and start a family. If you want to have kids, then you should get to that soon, and pick up with the career later. If you don't want to have kids, then leave this guy and pursue your career.

Just out of curiosity, did you never consider kids while mapping out your plans for college and career?

Thanks for your views about the age limit for having kids and the risks of late pregnancies. No, we never considered kids before this because we were in different cities. He had to take care of his parents in another city while I did my PhD and then worked. I guess if I wanted to start a family, then I would have to forgo this prestigious scholarship . Tough decision.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think if you were to go do your postdoc where you wanted to, you will probably find someone more suitable for you to marry and have kids with. Someone with similar drive maybe?

I haven't seen anywhere where you've written about how head over heels in love with him you are.

[BlueberryCookie]

That doesn't sound ideal that your boyfriend has controlling tendencies. For a really important decision like this one about your career, your choice should be your choice, not a decision made for you by your parents or your boyfriend. However, if you break up with him now, you might be effectively deciding against starting a family, because you will be very focused on your career for a few years, and then definitely operating at a disadvantage jumping back into dating in your late 30s. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to about this? This might just be the most important decision of the rest of your life.

Although he seems rather controlling, he is doing it because he wants to start a family as soon as possible. He is 40 years old and wants a child NOW if he can. That's how urgent he is. This is what is causing me to be under pressure. Furthermore, we have been in a long distance relationship for about 3 years now, so still have some reservation about marriage and making so much sacrifice for him.

[BlueberryCookie]

I think if you were to go do your postdoc where you wanted to, you will probably find someone more suitable for you to marry and have kids with. Someone with similar drive maybe?

I haven't seen anywhere where you've written about how head over heels in love with him you are.

I am in love with him. But maybe because of the distance, I can't say I'm head over heals in love with him. Also, I feel he is not even giving me a chance to accept a prestigious scholarship for postdoc - which may never come again. Yeah, probably doing a postdoc would open my options and surround me with guys with more drive and more similar interests. I love this guy but our timing is not quite right - probably because he is older and achieved all that he wanted whereas I still have one last thing I would like to do before marriage. Or maybe I should just let it go?