Are my expectations too high? Wished my boyfriend was more outgoing and productive.

[aphroditelily]

I love my boyfriend a lot. Sure. We have a few things in common. We are both medical students. We love sports. We laugh a lot. The sex is great. We support each other. He's really sweet, doing a lot of good things for me, bringing the occassional gifts, bringing me home even when it's far away from his place.

However, I'm not sure if I want to stay with him anymore.

We've been together for a little more than a year. He's okay looking, though I've dated four or five times the number of people he's dated (I'm his first girlfriend). That was okay, though. But it's just that his lack of self-confidence, lack of responsibility, and comfort in a routine (which I used to think was cute and secure), is starting to get on my nerves. I'm a self-confident sort of person, who invests a lot in my studies, likes talking to a lot of people, joining loads of organizations and doing little entrepreneural side jobs. On the other hand, my boyfriend failed one subject in first year medical school, which delayed his medical education and put him in the batch below us while he retook that one subject. Ever since then, his belief on medical education is that it's too tough for him, and has considered going into Chinese medicine as an alternative. (I'm not sure if it's because it's easier or because it's really his passion). Lately he's been turning into a more reclusive person, and I have a feeling he's getting more reliant on me for his activities. He supports my entrepreneural ventures, but other than Chinese medicine weekend classes, the only thing he does these days while waiting for the next school year (cause he got delayed) is to stay in his apartment, read novels, eat, and play the occassional soccer twice a week. I'm not sure if my expectations are too high, but for someone who is fully occupied with medical school ten hours a day with only 5 to 6 hours of sleep per night, the difference between the two of us marked.

I guess that's okay too. Until I hear whenever his brother and sister push him around and he doesn't do anything about it. Or that whenever his old crush asked him to do something, makes him wait for a really long time, then plays video games at her house and goes home at midnight. Or that he would lose his wallet, car keys, license, phone, or whatever other important thing. Or that our first anniversary consisted of food and lovemaking and nothing much else creative from him. I'm okay with that most days, but it's a routine - not something you do for your anniversary.

It sucks cause I know he loves me a lot. And probably depends on me to inspire him on being more productive or something. And we're schoolmates. But I'm not sure if I'm still in love, though sometimes I can't help calling him or hugging him and stuff like that cause I miss him. We still do laugh a lot.

But the question is popping in my head in increasing frequency these days. Especially when I would talk about having to study better in school like an A student does, and he says, "Don't! What about me? You won't have time for me anymore." Or whenever I'm tired from cramming for an exam and he's too hyperactive, talkative or horny to actually care. I'm not the perfect person, and I know it's hard to find someone who will love me for who I am without a lot of expectations like he does, but, should I end it?

[pisces25]

It always baffles me when someone starts a post 'I love my bf/gf a lot, but.....' Actually I don't think you do love him like you say. If you did you would accept him for how he is. It sounds like you are bored with the relationship already, and after only a year in, I doubt much would change (if that is who he is) going into the future.

We laugh a lot. The sex is great. We support each other. He's really sweet, doing a lot of good things for me, bringing the occassional gifts, bringing me home even when it's far away from his place.

Sounds like an ideal relationship to me. But if you feel it isn't enough for you then perhaps it is time to leave him.

[BlueberryCookie]

I think his failure in a subject last year shook his confidence. His failure has shaken his confidence in other aspects of his life as well - including his love life. If you really love him, encourage him to try harder in his studies (or whatever he chooses to do) so that he can believe in himself again. This will slowly make him a more confident guy for you. It will take a long time, but is worth it

[bcgirl]

You've been together for only a year. That's nothing and its normal to see each others real character and personality as more time passes. You realize now that you two aren't as compatible as you once thought. He won't change. You won't change. The longer you stay with him, the more his lazy nature will get on your nerves to the point where one day the sex won't be that great because you won't be as turned on by him

[bcgirl]

Also it's no coincidence that female doctors only marry other doctors or lawyers. Would you really be okay with being the bread winner for your family, working long hours while your hubby works at the spa doing acupuncture and massages?

[aphroditelily]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Well, so far am trying to boost his confidence, letting him decide for purchasing orders for stocks in our small business (just selling food and school merchandise like jackets in school). I'm thinking of waiting it out until next school year, maybe his confidence will go up again once school starts again for him. As much as I don't want to tell him what to do, part of me can't help but tell him to keep going with medical school, mostly because if he does stick to Chinese medicine, he'll end up never really able to cure patients like a doctor does. He told me of dreaming to become a doctor before. He's either giving up on the dream or finding a new interest or being bitter - I'm not really sure which one. Ever since taking Chinese medicine classes on Saturdays though, he often ridicules "Western Medicine" for being too pharmacological, impersonal and money-driven.

That was coming from the guy I fell in love with last year who was part of the Karate National team (and then quit upon failing the endocrinology module), and told me that he wanted to become an orthopedic surgeon (breaking his opponent's bones then putting them back together).

I just sigh sometimes. I'm not sure if I'm being selfish to want to have a confident guy who wants to strive for his dream. I'm not sure if I'm being shallow. But I imagined a future with me and whoever I end up with as somehow being a cooperative effort... building a home, building our own careers as well as each other, not constantly having to push him all the time.

[Wakeup]

I just sigh sometimes. I'm not sure if I'm being selfish to want to have a confident guy who wants to strive for his dream.

Actually, you're not selfish for wanting those particular things in a man. What you're selfish about is keeping this guy until it's more convenient for you to let him go.

[bcgirl]

Medical school is tough. Do you remember in elementary school when the teachers asked everyone what they wanted to be when they grew up and all the kids were like "doctors" "lawyers" "veterinarian" "astraunaut" etc. reality is, it's a world of survival of the fittest. Reality is, there are tons of kids who bust their balls in high school to dream of going to med school. They end up in university with a bunch of other smart ppl and reality is, many of those ppl are going to fail because only the fittest will go to med school. Then in med school, only the fittest will survive there and become doctors. Perhaps your bf is smart to end up in med school, but not smart enough to get through it. He's failed classes and perhaps he deep down knows he's not cut out for the intensity of med school so he is finding alternate career choices. It probably doesn't make him feel good that his own gf is getting better grades in med school and therefore putting more salt on the wound.
What you want is someone who is a type A personality like yourself. Which brings me back to the point that its no wonder doctors marry doctors. If you stay with him, you will not be happy. You get turned on by success, so find a man who is in med school with slightly higher grades than you who strives to be a heart or brain surgeon and then make lotsa money together

[Cerby]

Medical school is tough. Do you remember in elementary school when the teachers asked everyone what they wanted to be when they grew up and all the kids were like "doctors" "lawyers" "veterinarian" "astraunaut" etc. reality is, it's a world of survival of the fittest. Reality is, there are tons of kids who bust their balls in high school to dream of going to med school. They end up in university with a bunch of other smart ppl and reality is, many of those ppl are going to fail because only the fittest will go to med school. Then in med school, only the fittest will survive there and become doctors. Perhaps your bf is smart to end up in med school, but not smart enough to get through it. He's failed classes and perhaps he deep down knows he's not cut out for the intensity of med school so he is finding alternate career choices. It probably doesn't make him feel good that his own gf is getting better grades in med school and therefore putting more salt on the wound.
What you want is someone who is a type A personality like yourself. Which brings me back to the point that its no wonder doctors marry doctors. If you stay with him, you will not be happy. You get turned on by success, so find a man who is in med school with slightly higher grades than you who strives to be a heart or brain surgeon and then make lotsa money together

As a fellow resident of BC, I would like to disclaim that only bcgirl is pushing traditional gender roles here, the rest of us moved past this kind of thinking in the 90s. I know two couples where the female is a specialist/doctor and the male does something a little less intensive, and they're plenty happy together. So "doctors only marrying doctors" is something that will need to be backed up factually. Please and thanks.

As for the OP problem, it has everything to do with the personalities, so bcgirl is right there. You're outgoing, confident, and chasing a dream, whereas he is falling behind, second guessing himself, and showing a lack of motivation on life choices. I have a feeling that no matter how nice he is to you and how good you are together, you will always have a rift between the ways you accomplish goals. Find someone who is into what they do, and willing to work as hard as you. Even if they are just a spa practitioner, as long as they work hard at it and love it, I bet you'll be happier with that person.

[smackie9]

A relationship cannot survive on love alone. You need compatibility. Now some people are ok with someone that is the opposite, BUT in your case it's a thorn in your side. This is what dating is all about, to find out if you will have a stable future together enough to marry. Once the "Honeymoon" stage is over you see what you got. You don't like it, then get out before you waste theirs and your time. Your expectations are not too high, just different, and your decision to end it would be a practical one.