Problems with my boyfriend and his family

[nikki_s]

I’ve been having some issues with my boyfriend lately, and I thought I’d come here and see if anyone has any advice. I don’t always feel comfortable talking to my family and friends about these sorts of things. We’re both in our early 20’s, and we’ve been together over three years. We have lived together in the past, but because of financial problems (that’s a completely different story!) he had to move back in with his family a couple hours away, and I moved back in with mine.

We only see each other for one weekend a month (if that), but we usually talk on the phone every day. Lately though, we’ve really not talked that much at all. It seems that almost any time he calls me now, he’s sitting outside with his younger sister having cigarettes, and she’s continuing to talk in the background and he’ll really be paying more attention to her than me. I do like his sisters (at least the younger one, not so sure about the older one anymore). Before when he’d call and she’d be there, he would just put me on speaker so all three of us could have a conversation. Now he rarely does that. It just seems really rude to me that he’ll call, ask me how I’m doing, and then while I’m responding I hear his sister talking in the background and he’s really not paying attention to what I’m saying. I don’t think his sister means to be rude, I just don’t think she thinks about it… although when my boyfriend and I lived together and he’d be on the phone with her, I wouldn’t bother him unless it was something important, and she would get annoyed when I did that.

Our phone calls just feel really one-sided now. When I hear that he’s sitting and talking to her, I’ll just say something like “Oh, you’re talking with your sister, I’ll let you go.” And he usually says “no, no it’s okay!” but then continues talking to her. It’s really annoying and I’ve tried talking to him about it but he doesn’t seem to get why it bothers me. It honestly does make me feel kind of unimportant.

The other problem now would be his older sister, who lived out of state for a few years up until just a few weeks ago when she moved back. I always thought I got along with her well, and I did like hanging out with her too. Apparently though, she doesn’t like me. My boyfriend told me that she thinks I don’t really care about him, and that I’m not good enough for him. She has never said any of this directly to me, so I never thought there was any sort of problem between us. He says that he always stands up for me, but it makes me kind of think that he complains to her when he’s mad at me (and he always REALLY embellishes things when he’s mad). It really pisses me off that she says that, because in all honesty throughout all the time my boyfriend and I lived together, I was the main one supporting us financially (he’d sometimes go for 6 months to a year with no job, but like I said that’s a whole different story). And I feel like these past three years I have been focused on him, and not myself. In a way I’m really glad to have this time to myself now.

The older sister also seems to be very controlling. My boyfriend and I like to spend holidays together, but we also like to spend it with our families. So we had come up with a system, where one year we’d spend Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine, and then switch the next year. Since this was the first year we had planned to do that, (before we’d have to drive back and forth that 2 hour drive on holidays to see BOTH our families) I invited him to Thanksgiving with my family. His older sister overheard us talking on the phone about it and flipped out, and apparently threw a fit about it being her first year back in the state and how she wanted to spend Thanksgiving with him. So he ended up just having dinner with his family, and I had it with mine (his family didn’t really invite me). I didn’t even bother trying to plan anything for Christmas, because I knew his sister would make a huge deal about it either way, so we won’t be spending it together either.

All this stuff (along with the other things that have been going on) has really started getting to me. It’s annoying and I don’t really know what to do about it or if I should just try to force myself to stop caring. I’m the kind of person who would always rather talk things through, but I know that doesn’t always work and I’m not sure what to do in these situations. I don’t know if anyone has any advice about how to deal with these problems, but anything would be appreciated!

[Chronicle113]

You shouldn't have to put yourself in these aggravated situations. If it's something that you're not happy with about him, I say tell it to him directly on the phone despite his sisters listening. It appears that he is telling his sister his relationship with you and as a sister of his, he probably feels she may have some useful advice for him because she is a woman and understand a woman's mind (assuming). It seems that he is hiding behind his sisters a lot. I say tell him directly because by then he will clearly where you are coming from. If you feel if this is an embarrassment for him over the phone, then either email him your feelings or text. Focus on your own happiness. When he see that you became more distant and focus more on yourself, his true feelings and intentions will come out. There's nothing you can do about others actions. You can influence them but that's it. He will have to make the changes for himself. Don't worry, if he truly cares, he will listen what you have say. Till then, focus on your own happiness. Nobody shouldn't have to suffer because of someone else.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just dump him. It's not going to change.

Do it before Christmas.

[BlueberryCookie]

His family doesn't consider you to be important. It's best to dump his whole family.

[ladyluck87]

: ( These issues with the family might get bigger and more severe. You've got to make a decision for yourself and not anyone else. Be happy!!!!!