Visiting Boyfriend(His Son's Mother Is Coming Too)

[ladyluck87]

Could it be that the drama is being created all in your head atm? I understand your anxiety, but it might not be as bad as you think.

Hahaha!! Well, from things that she has said and done, I have reason to worry. She's smashed his car, slashed tires, had his car towed, came to his job and acted out, keyed DEADBEAT on his apartment door(LOL..its scary actually). None of those things had anything to do with me though. So I can only imagine how she might interact with me...so no, she and I have never met and don't have any drama but based on what I know of her...I'm concerned. LOL. Hopefully by now she is in a better place with him and the status of their relationship. So let's see.

[basilandthyme]

Hahaha!! Well, from things that she has said and done, I have reason to worry. She's smashed his car, slashed tires, had his car towed, came to his job and acted out, keyed DEADBEAT on his apartment door(LOL..its scary actually). None of those things had anything to do with me though. So I can only imagine how she might interact with me...so no, she and I have never met and don't have any drama but based on what I know of her...I'm concerned. LOL. Hopefully by now she is in a better place with him and the status of their relationship. So let's see.

The fact that she's done all this and he's still going on this vacation makes me really concerned about your boyfriend's ability to keep boundaries in place with her.

While he can't stop her from going to the same town as him at the same time, I would expect that he makes sure that he's not at the same venues as her. Truth be told, the fact that he hasn't changed the dates of his trip in order to avoid her worries me.

I suspect this trip will tell you a lot about how your future with him may look. I do hope you have a wonderful trip and I hope she's now past doing crazy stuff. But I also hope you'll take a critical look at how your boyfriend manages this trip.

This stuff you're seeing shouldn't be a dealbreaker per se - but it should at least be a red flag for you to watch.

[ladyluck87]

Agreed. He had booked his plane ticket about six months ago to see his family, he's in the Army and only sees them once a year during this season. She's making a special trip all the way from FL where we live to be with his family in about a week. That's why it's so disturbing. She's never met these people before, but she went out of her way post-break up to make these arrangements. It seems strange. I've had this same discussion about him needing to establish boundaries wither because she feels that because she is the mother of his child that she can do as she pleases and he has to deal with it. However, I try my dardnest to avoid giving him any advice on this matter because this just isn't my place...I too have boundaries.

That's why he was so angry a few weeks ago when he found out she was coming because he sees his son regularly, and she failed to mention that she had made plans to come to NY as well. They don't necessarily get along that well, so I'm not so sure why she'd want to come there and be around his family. She trusted him enough to lie down with him, so she should trust him enough to take the baby to see his family without HER having to be there. Personally, I think she uses the baby as leverage to keep herself around him but that is my opinion only.

Perhaps it won't be such a bad thing to come and see how he conducts himself and how he handles his situation with her as well. I just know that he and I have talked, and he has had the conversation that she should not be accompanying him on any more family trips.

[smackie9]

I would be concerned about that "deadbeat" message left on the door....makes me wonder if he is douche in stand up guy's clothing.

[Wakeup]

... agreed.. Red Flag for sure. OP, does your bf not pay any child support?

[IndiReloaded]

Anyway, the dilemma comes in because his family also wants to meet me. I've spoken to his brother on the phone, and his grandmother, aunt, and cousins are eager to meet me and are expecting me to come during my visit. I have firmly stated that I have NO intentions of visiting while she's there. I think it's inappropriate on my behalf to come around his child mom's while she's there; it feels tacky. However, my boyfriend continues to ask everyday and get angry with me because I am refusing. He is saying I care too much about her feelings. The baby was born in January, and it is now December and he's bringing home a new girl. It feels wrong to me. He says he just wants to spend this special holiday with everyone that means something to his life and that includes me. He says his family understands his relationship with his son's mother and are disappointed to know I won't be coming and that there won't be any drama if I visit.

It's a really nice gesture, but should I go or should I not go?

You want to go, he wants you to go, his family wants you there. = You should go. Sometime, but not necessarily this time. How long have you been seeing each other?

I agree with you about the awkward tacky part. What are the conditions going to be like during the visit? Would you be staying in the same home? I agree that would be very awkward and I would not go if I was going to be staying under the same roof as his child's mother. Very strange. Given the circumstances, I think I'd be inclined to either reschedule my travel so I didn't overlap with his ex, or let this visit go. Perhaps your BF can use his anger about your not going to ensure better boundaries and communication with his ex.

[ladyluck87]

... agreed.. Red Flag for sure. OP, does your bf not pay any child support?

@smackie and Wakeup: Yeah, he pays over 500 a month and also gives her additional money for anything else she asks for in regards to their kid. I asked about the deadbeat thing and he said that she put that on his door before she was ever even pregnant. In no defense of him, but my daughter's father is the biggest POS on planet Earth, but I have NEVER gone to any of those extremes, so no matter what their situation was, she just sounds crazy and unstable to me.

[IndiReloaded]

Perhaps it won't be such a bad thing to come and see how he conducts himself and how he handles his situation with her as well.

This isn't a bad idea. Trust your judgement, lady, you sound much more 'with it' than your BF in this matter. Again, can you go but make sure your visits don't overlap? Have *you* met his child, btw?

In no defense of him, but my daughter's father is the biggest POS on planet Earth, but I have NEVER gone to any of those extremes, so no matter what their situation was, she just sounds crazy and unstable to me.

Or he is. But I do think its weird she is showing up unwanted to his family's place. Sure you want to subject yourself to the inevitable drama?

[ladyluck87]

You want to go, he wants you to go, his family wants you there. = You should go. Sometime, but not necessarily this time. How long have you been seeing each other?

I agree with you about the awkward tacky part. What are the conditions going to be like during the visit? Would you be staying in the same home? I agree that would be very awkward and I would not go if I was going to be staying under the same roof as his child's mother. Very strange. Given the circumstances, I think I'd be inclined to either reschedule my travel so I didn't overlap with his ex, or let this visit go. Perhaps your BF can use his anger about your not going to ensure better boundaries and communication with his ex.

No. She is going to be staying in the same apartment building but she will be staying with his grandmother and aunt who live together. He is staying on the upstairs floor in his cousin's apartment. LOL. I can't help but feel like they are almost sharing the same space though. It's the same BUILDING for crying out loud.

You are thinking along the same lines that I was thinking!!! I am 1000% confident that if I leave him tomorrow, he won't go back to her but that doesn't mean that I think it's okay to flaunt our new relationship in front of this girl. I worry about her becoming scorned and taking her anger out on him in regards to seeing the baby. I don't care about this girl or her feelings AT ALL, but I'm empathetic because I'm some BUTTHOLE'S "Baby Mama" as they call us. I don't even KNOW that this girl knows I am coming now.

I asked him would it be alright if we came back to visit in the spring, but he wants me there now because "Christmas is romantic"...

[IndiReloaded]

Ugh. Well, if he can't understand your reasons (very decent ones), then yes, you might have a different problem on your hands.

I think you should just tell him you feel uncomfortable. What if she *weren't* coming and you were simply uncomfortable with meeting his family? Would he still be guilting you into going?

You know, I'm separated and we have a separation plan that spells out in detail how our shared custody is managed. First of all, I find it odd that he doesn't seem to share custody of his child. Red flag, but not having that agreement even more so.

[ladyluck87]

This isn't a bad idea. Trust your judgement, lady, you sound much more 'with it' than your BF in this matter. Again, can you go but make sure your visits don't overlap? Have *you* met his child, btw?



Or he is. But I do think its weird she is showing up unwanted to his family's place. Sure you want to subject yourself to the inevitable drama?

Noooooo, I haven't. : ( I'd like to meet him. He's such a cutie. He lives with his mom at her parents house, and he lives in the barracks so no kids allowed there. He has to go and visit the baby at her house, and she isn't giving him visitation apparently until he goes through the courts anyway.

I find it weird as well. I asked him a couple of weeks if she knew about me, and he said that she saw him texting me when he was visiting the baby and she asked "Who was he texting? A girlfriend?" and he said "Yes, I am." and she apparently asked in shock, "WHAT? YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?!" and he says "Yes. I do." and he said she said, "Hmmmmm...Okay" and walked back into her room. Not sure why that would be her concern, but it's all weird.

We are both going to be in the Bronx with family, I initially told him that although we would be in the same city, it wasn't pressing that we see one another because he needed to spend time with his son and since his mom will be there, just make this trip about family. I told him I could meet everyone next trip. I told him earlier that I would come over and meet his parents, grandmother, and everyone else including her. Ugh. Getting all the advice I got today made me want to try to please him, but I can't say I "feel" differently. I don't feel its a great idea, but I'm trying to do what I can to make it work. Personally, I feel the best solution is for him to meet me in Manhattan and spend time together without being around the family at this time.

[ladyluck87]

Ugh. Well, if he can't understand your reasons (very decent ones), then yes, you might have a different problem on your hands.

I think you should just tell him you feel uncomfortable. What if she *weren't* coming and you were simply uncomfortable with meeting his family? Would he still be guilting you into going?

You know, I'm separated and we have a separation plan that spells out in detail how our shared custody is managed. First of all, I find it odd that he doesn't seem to share custody of his child. Red flag, but not having that agreement even more so.

I think he would expect me to spend time with him still by meeting up or going out. He asks me everyday if I am still coming and what my plans are...it's like wth dude?

[IndiReloaded]

So, how long have you been seeing him, again?

[ladyluck87]

So, how long have you been seeing him, again?

Oh sorry!! I didn't see you asked me that before. THREE months!!

[IndiReloaded]

Oh, well, in this case I would say its way too soon to insert yourself in this drama. You hardly know him and I'd certainly be wary of meeting his child at such an early relationship stage. What if you aren't together in 3 months? Bad to bring children into anything other than a stable relationship.

Maybe meeting up in Manhattan is the best solution for this year?