Visiting Boyfriend(His Son's Mother Is Coming Too)

[ladyluck87]

My boyfriend is originally from New York, and I have friends and family there as well. He has been so excited about visiting his family, but he wants me to be apart of the trip. I was initially ok with going because that just means I can see my friends and family as well. About a month ago, his brother called him while we were hanging out and asked what was going on with my boyfriend's son's mother and him for the trip to New York. My boyfriend was completely shocked and angered to find out that she had made plans with his grandmother and aunt for her and the baby(he's 11 months) to come to New York and visit them. My boyfriend was going to ask her if he could just take the baby alone, but apparently she had other plans in mind. He didn't want to her to meet his family, and he didn't want her around him or his family apparently.

From that point, I decided that it would be inappropriate for me to join him and his family on the holidays. I did feel like she overstepped her boundaries a tad bit, but she is the child's mother and she has a very important role. Kudos to her for wanting her son to know his dad's family, but I also think she looks for excuses to still be in his life and be around him.

Anyway, the dilemma comes in because his family also wants to meet me. I've spoken to his brother on the phone, and his grandmother, aunt, and cousins are eager to meet me and are expecting me to come during my visit. I have firmly stated that I have NO intentions of visiting while she's there. I think it's inappropriate on my behalf to come around his child mom's while she's there; it feels tacky. However, my boyfriend continues to ask everyday and get angry with me because I am refusing. He is saying I care too much about her feelings. The baby was born in January, and it is now December and he's bringing home a new girl. It feels wrong to me. He says he just wants to spend this special holiday with everyone that means something to his life and that includes me. He says his family understands his relationship with his son's mother and are disappointed to know I won't be coming and that there won't be any drama if I visit.

It's a really nice gesture, but should I go or should I not go?

[Fruitsss]

Hmmm, now u feel wrong about him bringing a new girl now But why did u
not feel like that and stop seeing him right when u knew he just got a child and is
already looking for a relationship with u.
(How long do u have something with him?)

Like i always say never date people with kids. I think almost all of them are a mess
Or have some mess waiting to come around at a later point.
Rather it is them or their baby momma.

And i would say not even date this men. That would be my ultimate advice to u.
Cause the drama will not stop it just started!
I guess they love alcohol so people will drink intentionally cause everyone know
that they can get drunk when they drink , and fight will start.

I think you should not put yourself in drama. I think somewhere him and
his family are trouble makers!
Cause u dont invite people that u know will fight.
ANd who told his ex that u he will come there for the holidays?
Thats also a trouble maker!

I think u are to short in the relationship to go true such a messy life of him.
And why does he have no right to just pick up the kid or let his
parents pick him up so he can be with them.
Why is he and his family so happy to put you and her in the same room instead
of thinking of way to avoid it. Why cant they not say no to the ex and
make plans to go get the baby themselves. Cause the ex is not
important anymore.

The fact that there is no good rule about who will have the baby for Christmas sounds to
me like he is not a real dad that take care good of his dutys. Like make babys and
leave .Its such a mess.
I would say dont go, Or since u have family there , go with one of them and like in the morning
when there is hopefully less drama just to say hi and then leave!

And your bf have no right to speak. Cause thanks to his shity life this problem is created.

[ladyluck87]

Hmmm, now u feel wrong about him bringing a new girl now But why did u
not feel like that and stop seeing him right when u knew he just got a child and is
already looking for a relationship with u.
(How long do u have something with him?)

Like i always say never date people with kids. I think almost all of them are a mess
Or have some mess waiting to come around at a later point.
Rather it is them or their baby momma.

And i would say not even date this men. That would be my ultimate advice to u.
Cause the drama will not stop it just started!
I guess they love alcohol so people will drink intentionally cause everyone know
that they can get drunk when they drink , and fight will start.

I think you should not put yourself in drama. I think somewhere him and
his family are trouble makers!
Cause u dont invite people that u know will fight.
ANd who told his ex that u he will come there for the holidays?
Thats also a trouble maker!

I think u are to short in the relationship to go true such a messy life of him.
And why does he have no right to just pick up the kid or let his
parents pick him up so he can be with them.
Why is he and his family so happy to put you and her in the same room instead
of thinking of way to avoid it. Why cant they not say no to the ex and
make plans to go get the baby themselves. Cause the ex is not
important anymore.

The fact that there is no good rule about who will have the baby for Christmas sounds to
me like he is not a real dad that take care good of his dutys. Like make babys and
leave .Its such a mess.
I would say dont go, Or since u have family there , go with one of them and like in the morning
when there is hopefully less drama just to say hi and then leave!

And your bf have no right to speak. Cause thanks to his shity life this problem is created.

I also have a child, so there is nothing with he and I having a relationship together. However, do I feel like "flaunting" our relationship in front of his son's mother at this point? No, not really.

I think he's timid and he allows her to run the show because he's clueless. It's all new to him, and I think at this point he just wants peace with her so he can be around his son. However, I don't know much about her but I doubt there's much peace in bringing me around, but maybe she is over the relationship. Who knows? I doubt it though.

[Fruitsss]

I doupt it, that she is over it.

Even thou there is no drama , we only think that there may be drama.
AAnd i think there will be.

But do what u want that was my opinion.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't agree with your reason for not going. If you didn't want to go because it would make you feel awkward, then fine, but not going because you care about her feelings is just dumb and weak. You should go and not feel bad about it. She will probably try to do something to get you riled up, but all you have to do is grab your boyfriend and give him a kiss.

[Wakeup]

He didn't want to her to meet his family, and he didn't want her around him or his family apparently.

yet she was good enough to ball and get her pregnant? Makes so little sense to me.

Anyway, doll. You are being a martyr. If you don't go, you will very likely sub-consciously resent not going and then you'll take that regret out on him somehow. You are with a man that will ALWAYS have baby momma drama in his life. If you're this intimidated by that fact then maybe you're not with the right man?

Heh.. don't get me wrong. I certainly think she was a presumptuous cow for imposing herself in their life like she did, but you and he should be focusing your anger at his family for being so stupid to think that it would be a good thing to have you all there at the same time and allowing her to come.

Dumb and dumber.

[smackie9]

Just go, but no one said you have to go see the ex. I'm sure you can go shopping or hang out with relatives while he visits her and the child. That is what you have to do to make a relationship work...compromise.

[ladyluck87]

I don't agree with your reason for not going. If you didn't want to go because it would make you feel awkward, then fine, but not going because you care about her feelings is just dumb and weak. You should go and not feel bad about it. She will probably try to do something to get you riled up, but all you have to do is grab your boyfriend and give him a kiss.

It would make me feel awkward, but I guess I don't care about her feelings so much as I have my own little girl and I try to remember how her dad made me feel or how I would feel in this girl's shoes. IMO, if I am going to be around for a while, which I am...I don't want to purposely create hellish situations or drama with his BM because I keep focusing on what's best for the little boy. That's all. Im not thinking about this as his girlfriend, I gGUESS I am approaching this situation as a mother. And from what I know of the BM...she doesn't sound very stable mentally, so I just didn't wanna come and her start a bunch of bull....

[ladyluck87]

Just go, but no one said you have to go see the ex. I'm sure you can go shopping or hang out with relatives while he visits her and the child. That is what you have to do to make a relationship work...compromise.

She's staying with his grandmother...who is also hell bent on meeting me as well. I will suck it up though. Thank you for making me look at another perspective. I felt as though my boyfriend was being kind of insensitive to his ex before, but I guess I was being too sensitive.

[ladyluck87]

yet she was good enough to ball and get her pregnant? Makes so little sense to me.

Anyway, doll. You are being a martyr. If you don't go, you will very likely sub-consciously resent not going and then you'll take that regret out on him somehow. You are with a man that will ALWAYS have baby momma drama in his life. If you're this intimidated by that fact then maybe you're not with the right man?

Heh.. don't get me wrong. I certainly think she was a presumptuous cow for imposing herself in their life like she did, but you and he should be focusing your anger at his family for being so stupid to think that it would be a good thing to have you all there at the same time and allowing her to come.

Dumb and dumber.

Agreed! Thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate it. Will move forward from here, and this is all a learning lesson for him and for me.

[ladyluck87]

Thank you so much!!! Your advice has helped plenty!!

[smackie9]

She's staying with his grandmother...who is also hell bent on meeting me as well. I will suck it up though. Thank you for making me look at another perspective. I felt as though my boyfriend was being kind of insensitive to his ex before, but I guess I was being too sensitive.

Hey you and your BF can invite Grammy out for tea somewhere just the three of you. Your BF has to grow a spine and be firm that the invitation is only for his grandma and that he will see the ex on his own terms.

[basilandthyme]

I'm late joining in, but I just wanted to add my voice to support the things you've been told. You were already going and she rudely invited herself along. Don't miss out on your trip because of someone else's actions.

I will say though, it will be rather telling to see how your boyfriend manages the boundaries he has in place for his ex.

[ladyluck87]

Thank you to you both for your input and help! I was really torn on the situation because I want to be with him really bad, but I didn't want drama

[smackie9]

Could it be that the drama is being created all in your head atm? I understand your anxiety, but it might not be as bad as you think.