Girlfriend and Depression

[mcndr]

Hello all,

Last january i was diagnosed with Testicular cancer and had to go through 6 months of chemo. After a few surgeries i am healthy again and cancer free, and hopefully will remain so! however through this process, my girlfriend, 20 yrs old, and of 5 years, has become very depressed. It generally gets worse at night and she is always thinking she is fat, unattractive and worthless. No matter what i do i cant seem to change it, i can come onto her as much as possible, and no matter what i do and how sexy i talk or act or seem turned on by her , she still feels disgusting and hates herself. She cannot get dressed in the morning without spending 30 minutes trying things on just to take them off and state they are too tight for her. Mind you she is 5 foot and 90 lbs, skinny as can be with muscle to boot, she couldnt be skinnier without being anorexic.

Recently its been affecting our relationship, this past semester i have played video games increasingly and got back into karate which i used to do pre cancer (and even pre gf) but now shes told me she just doesnt feel special anymore, that i have this "huge life" that shes no longer a part of, when asked what she meant she said that i go to karate at 6 am twice a week and play video games in spare time. This to me does not seem like a "huge life" to which she is not a part of. While at college i even brought my xbox and such to her room so when i decided to play i didnt even have to be away from her.

I know she is just increasingly needy in this time of depression, as i needed her terribly during my chemo and she was there for me. However now im faced with trying to fix her depression and help her get back on her feet. I was on a course to recovery through treatment so for her to help me was to just sit by my side while i was incapacitated, however she is on no such course to lead to a cure of this depression. It is starting to affect every facet of her life and i dont know how to go about trying to fix it, ive never had this problem before in my life.

She refuses to talk to her family or friends, she wants it to be a secret from everyone, she cares imensly what ppl think about her. she has thought about seeing the college councelor once, however were on break now and next semester isnt for another month and i wanna get on a course before then.

I really love this girl with all my heart and i do anything i can to make her happy, however lately no matter what good i do, the depression wipes out all memories of good by the end of the day and just settles in to wreak havoc on a previously manic and insanely happy girl. I will do anything to help fix her, but i need someones help, i have no idea what is the correct course of action.

she currently started birth control to try to regulate an ovarian cyst that may have ruptured about two months ago, im not sure if that drug causes depression or not, or if there is a hormone unbalance atm which may cause depression. And she has a history of rib inflamation which leads to difficulty breathing somethings or doing strenuous activities, which makes exercise hard which upsets her even more.

If anyone can suggest helpful ideas or hints, i would be forever greatful, i intend to marry this girl, but i have to make sure she makes it there smiling, we really both need eachother.

Thanks

[vashti]

She needs professional help, there isn't anything you can do.
And for the record, she is already underweight, and may have an eating disorder in addition to her depression.

She probably feels like she lost her role when you got well, and feels useless now that you don't need her. If she is smart, you might suggest nursing school. It might feed her need to care for people.

[mcndr]

i agree she may need professional help but if she wont accept the help then i need to help, if she helps me through cancer i cant just say you need a shrink and walk away, all a shrink does is know what to say and is there to open up to, i can do the same thing if i understand what to say and she feels comfortable already opening up to me, after we sit down and talk she does feel better, it just doesnt continue that way long.

She is underweight thats true, and i tell her so, but she doesnt have an eating disorder, she eats 3 meals a day with snacks in between, she even counts calories and she makes 1100 a day, i go to college with her so i witness it everyday, honestly since a year or two ago she has but on the slightest weight in her face, her jaws not as defined or whatever but she sees that and translates it to her entire body.

thanks for the reply but there is definitely something i can do, she loves and trusts me and i know i can help her out. Her rib condition has her in pain during physical activity for almost 2 years now, i understand how she can be frustrated.

Next semester were gonna hit the gym hard and if she does define that jaw and lose the small bit of fat shell definintely perk up, i just feel bad, and she does have muscle too so thatll define.


But i just need to know what i can really say and such, im good at this i know i can do it i just havent had the drive lately as its hard for me to deal with things after what i went through, just need my motivation again

[vashti]

i agree she may need professional help but if she wont accept the help then i need to help, if she helps me through cancer i cant just say you need a shrink and walk away, all a shrink does is know what to say and is there to open up to, i can do the same thing if i understand what to say and she feels comfortable already opening up to me, after we sit down and talk she does feel better, it just doesnt continue that way long.

She is underweight thats true, and i tell her so, but she doesnt have an eating disorder, she eats 3 meals a day with snacks in between, she even counts calories and she makes 1100 a day, i go to college with her so i witness it everyday, honestly since a year or two ago she has but on the slightest weight in her face, her jaws not as defined or whatever but she sees that and translates it to her entire body.

thanks for the reply but there is definitely something i can do, she loves and trusts me and i know i can help her out. Her rib condition has her in pain during physical activity for almost 2 years now, i understand how she can be frustrated.

Next semester were gonna hit the gym hard and if she does define that jaw and lose the small bit of fat shell definintely perk up, i just feel bad, and she does have muscle too so thatll define.


But i just need to know what i can really say and such, im good at this i know i can do it i just havent had the drive lately as its hard for me to deal with things after what i went through, just need my motivation again

Dude, you are dreaming if you think a college kid is going to be able to offer the kind of help a professional can. If you were so "good" at helping her, she wouldn't be where she is now. A good therapist will facilitate her emotional growth and well-being. All you are doing is keeping her needy. Assuming you are correct about her weight and caloric intake, you don't even know that she is underweight, or that 1100 calories is substantially less than a female body needs to maintain weight and retain the ability to menstruate.

Honestly, I don't know what you expect.

[Wakeup]

i agree she may need professional help but if she wont accept the help then i need to help,

You can't help her. You're not a psychologist and in order for her to get over her own issues, she needs to want to fix this with the help of a professional or, at the very least getting the motivation to overcome by reading and speaking with her family physician about her low self-worth..

The only way you can help her is in the same way she helped you which was by supporting you as you went through your treatment. If she won't see the proper professional that will guide her through this, then you will be making a big mistake to continue on with her, never mind marry her when these issues she currently has are left unresolved. Stop enabling her to not do anything to get herself better.

[BlueberryCookie]

She may have a low self-esteem. Constantly remind her that she is beautiful in your eyes, not for how she looks but for her strength and how she took care of you during your chemo. Take her out shopping, buy new clothes for her and tell her she is beautiful. Encourage her to do something she likes and tell her she is good at it. Soon, she'll start believing it for herself and you will see the difference.

[mcndr]

Dude, you are dreaming if you think a college kid is going to be able to offer the kind of help a professional can. If you were so "good" at helping her, she wouldn't be where she is now. A good therapist will facilitate her emotional growth and well-being. All you are doing is keeping her needy. Assuming you are correct about her weight and caloric intake, you don't even know that she is underweight, or that 1100 calories is substantially less than a female body needs to maintain weight and retain the ability to menstruate.

Honestly, I don't know what you expect.

you obviously have no idea what im really asking, nor are you being helpful in any way shape or form, instead of telling me how wrong i am, point me in the right direction instead of telling me im dreaming. You have no ****ing idea who she is, so dont tell me shes needy either. She can hold her own just fine and is an A student with or without me there, shes the chief editor of an on campus magazine, captain of the colorguard, takes a spanish minor, and is bookkeeper of her sorority. she does more than anyone i know in college does right now, this is her one and only problem.

As for the 1100 calorie intake, your right im not a nutritionist, but i went onto every single site i could find about generating your calorie intake for your bmr, and the average for all the sites was about 1100 to maintain weight at little to no exercise. I dont just pull numbers out of my ass.

and the reason she is where she is now is cause of my cancer, it hit her hard just like it hit me and my family, and it set her more on edge than ever. i am ****ing "good" at helping her, for 5 years ive kept her happy as a ****ing clam so dont think you have any idea how i treat her.

what i expect? I expected a little bit of help from someone who needed it, not a ****ing bashing that leaves me unable to do anything more from an ignorant person who has no idea who the **** we are.

Thanks for the help from anyone else who posted, but ill be leaving the site now. Next time you feel like assuming your right about a person, dont waste your time posting, instead ask for facts and try to HELP instead of be ignorant. and dont bother replying to this comment, ill never get it.

[Wakeup]

Over-react much? The bottom line is you don't like the truth and no matter how much in denial you keep yourself, the truth is you cannot help her all you can do is support her if she doesn't get the help she needs until you've reached the end of your rope and you end up just as depressed as she is. The sad thing is that she will most likely drag you down before you can lift her up. After your over-the-top reaction to a simple opinion, I'm thinking she's already started to drag you down.

Take care of yourself and your own mental health or you'll end up sick again if you don't.