I'm a boring partner and I don't want to be!

[Kathy]

I'm a 23 y.o. woman and I've never been that desperate to fix a relationship.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years. He is awesome and I'd love to spend my life with him. The problem is...I don't think he thinks so highly of me, as I do of him.

We're very different. He is incredibly smart and handsome, and has very high self esteem while I, although also pretty and talented, am full of doubts about my skills and worth to him. I do give my best to keep my head up high, but there's a place where my insecurity shows and that is in our relationship mutual-time.

When we hit up our 7 months, he said that he thinks our relationship is getting boring. I made the effort, but it seems it wasn't enough and he has complained numerous times since then - that I'm not active enough in regard to suggesting interesting and new things to do together. And whenever I think of something cool to do, he rejects it or postpones it indefinitely, because I'm not making it sound if it's worth his while. In other words, I'm saying it with low self-esteem in my voice, or something. I've been rejected so many times that whenever I think of proposing something, my stomach coils and I feel great anxiety of being judged as boring - again.

I'm an otherwise good girlfriend - faithful to the core, always supportive, sexual, thoughtful and liberal. Whenever he suggests a mutual activity, I always participate and we have fun together. I'm the only one that can give the time of day to his whacky interests and ideas. But when he waits for me to suggest something, I fail miserably and I see that his irritation with me being "boring" grows bigger every day. I don't want to lose him and I have to change, but I have no idea where to start...

[smackie9]

I don't think it's fair for you to have to "change" to keep a boy friend. Sometimes, after the honeymoon stage or infatuation period wears off, one realizes they are not really that into the relationship. I believe feelings are starting to dissipate, which is totally normal to happen. You didn't fail, you are just dating the wrong guy. He is a coward for not being honest with you and is trying to make you make the move to end it. Even with your efforts to improve the relationship between you two, he still brings you down. Him knowing your insecurities and low self esteem, he using that to manipulate you into thinking that the problem lies within you. That is so further from the truth. He is truly being a real jerk to you and isn't worthy of your unconditional love for him. I really wish you could actually see what is going on here. It's not fair that he is making you panic and emotionally beat yourself up. Give him what he wants...dump his ass.

[IndiReloaded]

So, being with this guy makes you feel bad about yourself? Gee, sounds like a great relationship to me (note the sarcasm).

You are who you are. He appreciates it or he doesn't. But never, ever change who you are for someone else. That is a sure path to mutual unhappiness.

[Kathy]

Thanks for writing, smakie9. Well, he doesn't want to break up - I told him that if we're so incompatible we should break up and he asked me to give our relationship a chance (twice). I love him. The problem is he's too high maintenance. And I feel like I haven't given my all, so if I leave now, I will have this bad feeling in the back of my mind. Also, I have the bad feeling this is going to be a problem in other relationships

IndiReloaded, I've told myself this, too. But I feel like being more bold and active would actually make my life better. I can't imagine having to go trough this in another relationship - it would break me.

[IndiReloaded]

Break up with him before he breaks with you. Love is such a small part of a good relationship. Don't be blinded by it.

[smackie9]

It just might be he's not sure why he is so dissatisfied with your relationship, and thinks it's possible it's because you are not working hard enough to keep things fresh. Sometimes a relationship gets stale and has run it's course. Relationships are not forever. But....

Here are some things you can do and see if you get some results. Change your looks. Go out and get a makeover. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and leave it in the hands of a stylist. Seek out a boutique, and have the sales ladies pick out some new clothes for you. It doesn't have to be a whole new wardrobe, but maybe add some "investment" pieces to spruce up what yo already have. Next, take up a physical activity that will challenge you, like racquet ball, rock climbing, join a running club. Go out and do your own thing, create a busy social schedule like inviting people over for cocktails, or have a sex toy party for couples....anything that is out of your comfort zone.

[RipVanWinkleX]

Go out and do your own thing, create a busy social schedule like inviting people over for cocktails, or have a sex toy party for couples....anything that is out of your comfort zone.

That last one would be getting out of the comfort zone and throwing myself off a cliff toward the "insanity" area lol

[smackie9]

For mature adults only my dear.

[RipVanWinkleX]

I know. Just saying, that might be too big of a step baby steps first.

[basilandthyme]

And whenever I think of something cool to do, he rejects it or postpones it indefinitely, because I'm not making it sound if it's worth his while.

Based on this comment, I think he sounds like an asshole. And I think that the longer you stay with him, the lower your self esteem will continue to be. I suspect nothing you do will make him happy.

I think dumping him and finding a man who's supportive and encouraging is your best route forward.

[vashti]

Maybe instead of looking for things to do as a couple, you should find things to do on your own, and tell him he is free to join you if he likes. That way, you would have a more exciting life, with or without him.

[haxan]

Just be yourself. Couples don't have to do 'everything' together all of the time, maybe that's bringing your relationship and self esteem down. Like Vash said, do your own thing and just come together after. Maybe you're bogging each other down trying to be best pals?

[basilandthyme]

Thanks for writing, smakie9. Well, he doesn't want to break up - I told him that if we're so incompatible we should break up and he asked me to give our relationship a chance (twice). I love him. The problem is he's too high maintenance. And I feel like I haven't given my all, so if I leave now, I will have this bad feeling in the back of my mind. Also, I have the bad feeling this is going to be a problem in other relationships

IndiReloaded, I've told myself this, too. But I feel like being more bold and active would actually make my life better. I can't imagine having to go trough this in another relationship - it would break me.

Kathy, I think the only thing you should be telling him is "I'm sick and tired of your criticisms. I'm leaving this relationship. I'm going to find someone who loves me for who I am"

I bet it's only YOU making changes to make this relationship better. I bet he's not working at being less critical or high maintenance. It's all on his terms, isn't it.

[Kathy]

Oh, you're right, you're so right. But I know he won't change, he was raised by very critical parents and I guess that's his only outlook on life, he thinks he's helping that way. His criticisms have nested so deep in my mind that I don't know right from wrong anymore. But I do know sometimes I am very boring, and I wonder how to fix that. For the sake of any relationship.

[basilandthyme]

Kathy, I wonder if you're really as boring as you think.....you say yourself that you don't know right from wrong anymore.

Could it be that any other partner would find your level of enthusiasm more than adequate?