After 3 weeks of "No Contact", my ex emailed me today... Advice?

[love&otherdrugs]

I talked with one of my friends today about Christmas plans, and my ex was briefly brought up. I told her about the email, and how I didn't think I was going to contact him back.

She made a different suggestion, that I contact him in a platonic, short level. Something like,

"Hey J***,

My stepmom is still recovering more each day, thank you. I hope you have a merry Christmas, as well, and enjoy your holidays.

S***"


She said something about how she'd feel if she received something short and to-the-point like that, void of emotion, but courteous to respond. She said that it would show him I am "indifferent" to the situation and moving on, whereas ignoring the email and choosing to not respond could convey weakness and struggle on my part to move on.

Thoughts?

[Wakeup]

But you're not "indifferent." If you were, you'd have deleted it by now and this thread wouldn't exist. If he broke up with you then just ignore it. If you start talking to him again, it will set you back to square one of getting over him. If you broke up with him, then ignore it because if you start talking with him again it will just send him back to square one in getting over you.

... Do you see what I'm getting at?

[love&otherdrugs]

But you're not "indifferent." If you were, you'd have deleted it by now and this thread wouldn't exist. If he broke up with you then just ignore it. If you start talking to him again, it will set you back to square one of getting over him. If you broke up with him, then ignore it because if you start talking with him again it will just send him back to square one in getting over you.

... Do you see what I'm getting at?

I think I do. Basically, don't act indifferent, because I'm not. If I were indifferent, I couldn't care less about his email, and would have gone about my day with no worry in the world. But, I obviously do care, because I'm sitting here racking my brain about it and debating my next move... but since he broke up with me, my next move should be the move I've been attempting all along, which is moving on, right?

[Wakeup]

You got it, doll.

[searock]

By not replying, the message you are giving to him is that: you are still hurting because of the break-up. He still cares for you and feels guilty for breaking up with you, so if you don't reply telling him to stop contacting you (none of that "let's keep friends" BS, it doesn't work and you can't maintain a friendly rapport if you still have feelings for him), he will feel like he has to contact you again, for the same exact reason you feel like you should answer him: to not seem like an insensitive jerk. I know this from experience... until you tell him clearly that you don't want him to contact you again, he'll always at least question himself whether he should contact you or not (and every time he does, will be like a knife turning in your stomach).

[Wakeup]

Sea... Are you talking about your friend that is Suicidal?

[searock]

Yes him too... but my boyfriend is also like that with his ex: he feels that if he doesn't send her holiday greetings on Christmas or her birthday, it means that he's an insensitive jerk. He actually thinks that he's being nice, when in fact it's just making her confused and hurt. He wishes they could remain "friends" (like my ex and myself, we keep in touch from time to time with no drama), but she still has feelings for him, so it just can't happen (she ends up insulting him every time he wishes her happy holidays). He just doesn't get it, he genuinely believes it's the right thing to do to not be seen as a jerk. I feel sorry for her because all it actually does is give her hopes that he's still interested in her (he's not, I know this for a fact).

[Wakeup]

Does she respond?

[searock]

Does she respond?

Yeah sorry I edited my post a lot! What she does is not respond until a few days later... it's like she tries to hold back, but then gives in. It's sad really, given that well over an year has passed by now, since they broke up. He only contacts her for Easter or Christmas or her birthday, neutral stuff like that, just good wishes, and she inevitably replies with insults and guilt-inducing attempts at manipulation, talking about old and forgotten stuff between them, so that he always has to end the conversation abruptly (saying stuff like "I don't see the point of talking about this anymore, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, bye bye")... she just can't let go, and he doesn't understand that by contacting her (even if in such innocuous, neutral ways), he's actually making it worse for her to move on.

[Wakeup]

The reason your bf keeps contacting his ex is because she responds to him. If she didn't respond, then it's likely that after a few tries and not getting anything I'd imagine if he didn't hear anything back from his ex, he'd give up soon enough. They are feeding each other and that is not conductive to getting to the stage of indifference to one another.

I'm sure that if L&OD just doesn't respond, soon enough her ex will get the hint and fade away. Small talk is just little crumbs that keep each attached to one another. It does no one any good.

To add: She might get the nerve to tell him outright to not contact her again at some point, but right now I'm thinking the contact, although it sets one back emotionally, it still sooths the ego to know that they are thinking about you and have reached out ~ even though it doesn't mean much of anything of substance.

[searock]

I see your point, Wakeup. I hope for the OP's sake that she will be strong enough to never reply to her ex, and that her ex will get the message without the need of her telling him directly that she doesn't want to hear from him anymore.

[love&otherdrugs]

Man, I wish I read this all before this morning. I had nightmares last night about this whole ordeal. MULTIPLE nightmares, where I woke up sweaty and out of breath. I had typed a drafted email reply, but promised myself not to send it last night until I could sleep on it.

I dreamt of so many different scenarios and situations, it was downright exhausting. So, I woke up this morning, confused and unsure, and read a few texts from my friend, then sent the email.

I messed up :-( I felt OK for about an hour after, and then I started to realize why everyone was saying this would bring me right back to square one with the breakup. I started refreshing my email, wondering if he'd respond. I realized I broke the "no contact" rule, and that pissed me off even more. I broke my no contact not only by emailing him, but then by seeing if he posted any new photos to Instagram between when I sent the email and now (he did), and that enraged me... the fact that he didn't respond or want to continue to talk through email... I guess subconsciously a part of me had that same hope that searock was mentioning of your boyfriend's ex: I kind of hoped that he wanted to talk.

I didn't even REALIZE I hoped this until now. My email was so bland and short. I simply said:

Hey J***,

My stepmom is slowly but surely on the road to recovery, thank you.

Merry Christmas to you, too. I hope you enjoy your time with family/friends in Michigan.

S***

I didn't ask him not to contact me, and I didn't ignore him. For some reason I got it in my brain that answering his email in a short, non-emotional response was the way to go... after ALL the advice I've been given! What is wrong with me?

So now, I sit here wondering what the heck to do. I literally am reverted back to step one. I want to call him, I want to text him and thank him for the email but explain why we can't talk unless it's to work things out. I want to tell him he's not obligated to contact me on every special occasion. I even want to talk to him just about his travels to Michigan and his life in the past month.

:-( I don't know why I didn't listen. I don't know why I did what I did, but I KNOW I messed up, and I don't know how to fix it. Dammit.

[emma85]

No contact is hard, don't feel bad about it.

I'm like you in that respect, just try not to overanalyse it. Its nice that he sent you an email over christmas- shows he still cares and thinks about you. My ex is really strong in that he would never send a message first, its always me. This is after over 8 months of trying to maintain no contact.

Its so hard with technology- you have email, text, facebook.. So many distractions to sway you. But stay strong xx

[love&otherdrugs]

No contact is hard, don't feel bad about it.

I'm like you in that respect, just try not to overanalyse it. Its nice that he sent you an email over christmas- shows he still cares and thinks about you. My ex is really strong in that he would never send a message first, its always me. This is after over 8 months of trying to maintain no contact.

Its so hard with technology- you have email, text, facebook.. So many distractions to sway you. But stay strong xx

Thank you. It's so hard because I was TRYING to start the 60-day no contact program, but this completely fudged it. It really is hard with all the technology... and with having an ex that I would get back together with in a heartbeat, given his ability to figure out why he has commitment phobia.

Ugh, back to Day 1. :-/ I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly over it, but I had so many people tell me and reiterate "DO NOT respond to him, DO NOT contact him back." ...and I didn't listen. Well, now I know, I guess.

[emma85]

That's the thing, its easy to say don't contact him because they are not emotionally involved. That's logical, but our feelings can take over.
Just take NC one day at a time