After 3 weeks of "No Contact", my ex emailed me today... Advice?

[IndiReloaded]

Being that I still check my email partially hoping he's responded or emailed me again, I don't think I'm strong enough. What exactly do I say, though? I don't want to be mean, and I also don't want to seem out there since it's been over a day since my response.

Would something like "It was kind of you to email me in order to wish me a Merry Christmas, but I need to ask that you not contact me anymore, unless it's to work things out between us."

^^ Would that work? Or do I need to explain why?

What do you want? I repeat: what do YOU want? That should dictate your next action.

Why are you being so wussy with your communication? If you don't want him contacting you, just say so. Here, I'll take a stab at what I think you are trying to say:

Dear X - Please stop emailing/contacting me. I don't feel like you really want to be with me, my needs aren't getting met. I care, but I'm not going to beg you for what I want, I deserve better.

If I'm mistaken, then you need to make an effort to contact me with intent. But not until 2013, I'm busy until then. Merry Xmas.

[Wakeup]

Heres my suggestion, something thats actually to the point that you might consider sending when you're ready and if he even contacts you again because at this point that may have been his one and only email and he'll not be sending you anymore: "Unless you feel you've made a mistake breaking up with me and want to reconsider a relationship with me, please do not contact me again. I need to get to the point of indifference to you and zero contact is the way to reach that state." Then don't answer another email unless it says "I've made a mistake and I'd like to revisit what we once had" (or something similar).

[searock]

Exactly. You need to tell him that you don't want him to contact you again unless it's because he changed his mind and wants to get back together with you. There's no need for you to thank him for his holiday greetings, you already did in your last e-mail. Get straight to the point and don't sugar-coat it.

[love&otherdrugs]

What do you want? I repeat: what do YOU want? That should dictate your next action.

Why are you being so wussy with your communication? If you don't want him contacting you, just say so. Here, I'll take a stab at what I think you are trying to say:

Dear X - Please stop emailing/contacting me. I don't feel like you really want to be with me, my needs aren't getting met. I care, but I'm not going to beg you for what I want, I deserve better.

If I'm mistaken, then you need to make an effort to contact me with intent. But not until 2013, I'm busy until then. Merry Xmas.

That was brilliant. I want to be treated better... I DESERVE to be treated better. I want him to want to be with me whole-heartedly, and if he doesn't want that, I want him to make it clear by saying so and leaving me alone. None of this "friendly" crap. I have friends. I don't need a "friend" who will be in Colorado come March.

[love&otherdrugs]

Thank you all. Seriously, you all have given me so much more clarity than you know.

Vashti, I am going to take your advice and not contact him any further. You're right in that I was so disappointed in myself the first time, and Wakeup makes a good point that he may not even contact me any further.

However, if searock is right and he DOES contact me again, I will have to re-asses at the time, and will most likely send him an email combined of the examples from IndiReloaded, Wakeup, and searock that tells him to NOT contact me unless it's to work things out (because let's face it, I CAN'T keep up with these mixed signals and false hopes for so long).

But, that will be the ONLY communicating I will do with him, because again, like Vashti reminded me, it hurts me to respond to him, and makes me feel weak, regretful, and powerless.

Thank you ALL for your help. Seriously. You all have helped me sit here, think about my options and possibilities, and re-asses in order to determine what the best action is to take. I know the "best action" is something different to each person, but it helps having so many different views and opinions. Thank you!

[searock]

Keep us updated :-).

[love&otherdrugs]

Keep us updated :-).

Will do! I'll post here :-) merry Christmas eve to those celebrating, and happy holidays to all!

[love&otherdrugs]

So today is going to be my first FULL day of complete disengagement. I'm still struggling to break the addiction of checking up on him and his life, but I'm more determined than before.

I'm starting to get to an "angry" stage. I start to get mad at how he threw us away and gave up a wonderful relationship. I get pissed that I finally walked away and he didn't come chasing back realizing his mistake. I get mad that he keeps trying.to be friends and considers that "normal."

Have any of you gone through an angry stage like this? Is it productive and/or healthy?

[Wakeup]

It's quite common to get angry in fact it's one of the stages in the book "The Five Stages Of Grief." That might be a good book for you to pick up, L&OD. I think it always helps to get through something when you understand it better.

You say he "keeps trying to be friends. Did he contact you again since that last email that you posted about here?

[basilandthyme]

I start to get mad at how he threw us away and gave up a wonderful relationship. I get pissed that I finally walked away and he didn't come chasing back realizing his mistake. I get mad that he keeps trying.to be friends and considers that "normal."

Have any of you gone through an angry stage like this? Is it productive and/or healthy?

As much as you are angry, you also need to look at this realistically: If the relationship was wonderful for him then he wouldn't have broken up, would he. He's not seeing a mistake because he did what he needed to do for himself.

Yeah, it's crap being dumped. But it's better than him hanging on while unhappy with the relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

So today is going to be my first FULL day of complete disengagement. I'm still struggling to break the addiction of checking up on him and his life, but I'm more determined than before.

I'm starting to get to an "angry" stage. I start to get mad at how he threw us away and gave up a wonderful relationship. I get pissed that I finally walked away and he didn't come chasing back realizing his mistake. I get mad that he keeps trying.to be friends and considers that "normal."

Have any of you gone through an angry stage like this? Is it productive and/or healthy?

Yep. Its pretty normal. There are all kinds of books out there for this, you can overintellectualize, but sometimes it just helps to talk w/people who have actually been through it.

Use the anger and make it productive. Talk with friends who have been through a breakup and can relate. You'll be fine.

[love&otherdrugs]

It's quite common to get angry in fact it's one of the stages in the book "The Five Stages Of Grief." That might be a good book for you to pick up, L&OD. I think it always helps to get through something when you understand it better.

You say he "keeps trying to be friends. Did he contact you again since that last email that you posted about here?

No, not since his last email, but he talked to one of our mutual friends, saying that he "understands why I'm doing what I'm doing and just wants me to be happy." (In regards to.deleting him off of social networks and saying I couldn't be friends)

[love&otherdrugs]

As much as you are angry, you also need to look at this realistically: If the relationship was wonderful for him then he wouldn't have broken up, would he. He's not seeing a mistake because he did what he needed to do for himself.

Yeah, it's crap being dumped. But it's better than him hanging on while unhappy with the relationship.

You're right, he's not seeing it as a mistake, but then that makes me mad, wondering if I wasted the last year Nd if our relationship in general seemed like a mistake to him, since he was so fine walking away from it.

I guess in reality I'm upset because he hurt me and broke my heart, but then acts like this saint that wants to be friends and wants what's best for me and for me to be happy... Like he knows best as to what that is. When in reality him leaving was a selfish decision.

[smackie9]

That is your perspective, it's obvious he sees things quite differently and you shouldn't just assume what he thinks....His decision to end it may have been a healthy choice. We are only getting your side of the story.

[love&otherdrugs]

That is your perspective, it's obvious he sees things quite differently and you shouldn't just assume what he thinks....His decision to end it may have been a healthy choice. We are only getting your side of the story.

You're right, I shouldn't assume... thank you for reminding me of that. He is a nice person and I'm sure his intentions weren't ill-willed toward me. I need to not hate him for trying to do the right thing in his mind.

I'm just so irrationally angry. I go back and forth from being angry and upset with him to feeling alone, and being sad and missing him terribly. I feel like I'm going insane with these mood swings... it doesn't help that I'm around "that time" as a girl right now, either :-/