relationship situation...don't know what..or why

[nr13]

hello,

thank you all for reading.

Starting from the beginning..
My first girlfriend, I truly believe I love her...we started dating in 2001, we dated until the beginning of 2011, not a simple story since the beginning, we weren't always together from 2001 to 2011, we broke up two times, one of those times we were apart for more than one year, I even dated someone else in between, but nothing truly serious.. I liked her a lot, with all my heart, but we where in many things different (in others very alike)..she isn't the warmest of persons...we discussed some times, but never serious...she doesn't really like my family, my family I believe hates her maybe hate is a strong word... but they never got along together from either sides... we were together most of those years but little things we're just not "perfect". She made things that really pushed my buttons!!! I most certainly did the same to her...

I believed this wasn't going no where...I lost interest, she moved to another town and I decided to break up with her...I believed even though I liked her deeply, things were going no where... I broke up in early 2011...on July 2011 I wen't to another country to work and stayed there for one year.

I had a friend, someone I always got along great that always supported me, was with me before I broke up with ex-girlfriend, and continued to talk to me even when it was close to the time when I was leaving the country to work abroad. This friend is a great person, very warm, sweet, maybe sometimes naive...but a good person always. We have similar tastes, used to exchange tons of sms and emails with musics, shows, etc.. The country where I wen't to work is her home country...that I believe brought additional topics to our already busy conversations.. I have to admit I always kept in a very warm place of my heart this friend...I respected her a lot, and thought very highly of her..

During my time away we continued to exchange messages, emails, and some feeling started to grow... thousand's of emails afterwards she broke up with her boyfriend...and some time latter when I was visiting my family in my home country we started dating... I liked her a lot, it felt just right...she is great...always caring for me, treated me like no one... she worries with me, is interested in everything I do..I believed I was feeling something like never felt before..it was pure..it was simple, it was right...and my family just loves her We dated long distance for about 9 months (god..in the end I was just so fed up with skype ) everything wen't smoothly...sometimes we had trouble yes...but we survived it... I got back to my home country and things were for the first month ok...however we started to fight a lot more...small problems became big problems.. stupid discussions that in the end you just don't know why you started fighting... I started to be a lot more careless about here...I no that...I started to stop doing certain things...mostly because I just didn't feel like it...even in our intimacy I started pushing myself away..It's not that I don't like for example sex with her...I don't really feel like it..

We continue to get along well, when it comes to friendship I think I'll always be her friend...we play together, do some fun things, take walks yes... but I don't think I feel what I should...I hardly kiss her...sex...I don't remember when the last time was...I should miss it right? I don't...

And why did I started this post with my ex-girlfriend? because...even though all this time has passed...many times I think of her...I don't really talk to her...and I haven't seen her since we broke up (I saw her once in a bar..far away..she didn't see me...) we do exchange once in a while sms..email yes...sometimes I pic something from her...an old letter...or just anything I kept from when we were dating...and I know I feel something...something illogical...

My actual girlfriend is a great person I know that...she deserves a lot, she is truly something! amazing person really! Many times I get angry with myself because she want's somethings, like a kiss, a compliment, something..and she gets upset because I just don't do it...and I get really angry with myself because I know she is right...she deserves it...and I make her sad by not being how she want's, what she needs..

I think I lack the courage to deal with this...I really do... I'm not sure about anything.... on one side (if this side even exists) I know there is something different with my ex-girlfriend...I know how I was...the things I did, how it made me feel, but I don't know if it will ever work there...or if there is even a change for it to work...on the other side I have this amazing girl, but a constant feeling that I'm not true to myself and to her... I think this (not being true) tears me apart so many times... I don't wan't to hurt her...I just can't deal with it... she is my best friend...it die whenever I make her cry...

I think i know now...that I don't know what to do...

thank you for bearing with me here...felt good to write this down.

[Chronicle113]

It seems like that you're not very open with your feelings (most of what us men have with women). Don't dwell on it too much. You made the mistakes of your relationship experience and learn from them. You just have to be a little more perceptive about your girlfriend or ex-girlfriend feelings but at the same time don't try TOO hard to impress. Just be yourself and considerate at the same time.

[nr13]

Thank you for your words..they truly help... I believe I have to be true to myself...and no matter if things are going to work in the future or not, I can't keep this like it is...I can't have this kind of doubts..it is not fair to anyone...

I just don't know if I'll be courageous enough to say this to my girlfriend...I fear I won't..

[nr13]

Just for anyone that identifies with this...Things didn't get better, I just couldn't solve anything...talk about the problem... with a lot of effort we decided (I) decided we should give some time to each other, for the last 4 days we haven't spoken..just one or two sms exchanged...but not much...

I think she is suffering a lot with this...I know I have to sort out my head, but things could stay the way they were..I wasn't feeling ok with our relationship...I think I don't feel the same has when I entered this relationship... I don't know if this was the right call...but at least it's...something...

I hope everything works out ok...thank you all

[smackie9]

You just need to realize your feelings for her were just fondness from years of friendship. You truly love her but were never in love with her, and her needs were not being fulfilled because of this. This is no different with your ex....your needs were not being fulfilled by her because of her stand off-ish demeanor. That's why things were never perfect, you were incompatible. What you have been doing is what we call "settling" You have relationships and stay in relationship that are not right for you because ie: you don't want to be alone, hate being single, don't like dating, they were convenient, love to be in love, afraid of hurting them, always felt this was the best you could do, etc.

You need to be more vigilant about your needs and expectations when it comes to finding the right one. You need someone that give you that "spark" that sweeps you off your feet, that takes your breath away, and that fits you, your life, and your needs like a glove. You need to stop "settling" or you will keep finding yourself disappointed and unfulfilled in these useless relationships.

Break ups are never easy and yes are hurtful, but not worth avoiding if you are unhappy. Staying with her is unfair if you are not feeling it. She's an adult, she will get over it.

[nr13]

Thank you...I'll try to find myself during this "time"...but don't wan't to keep this situation eternally, I think it is important to put some definitive decision on this situation, one way or the other...I confess sometimes I feel really down thinking how she is and what she is feeling.. but I also feel better with myself now that this step has happened. I believe what I felt for her like you say was fondness...all that friendship and how we get allong, and ... well somewhere it confused me, because I truly believed I was in love with her...and she was the one...but.. here I am now.

Thank you for your reply!

[nr13]

Just because i feel...need... to write about this...

We ended up giving some time to each other...nearly two months... today we spoke...we had to.. she kind of forced us to that, and I understand her...she has the right to a decision.. during this time away from each other I missed her...I missed her in all she is, but specially I missed talking to here, knowing if she is ok... I realize I didn't miss some other things I think I should...like sleeping with her.. kissing etc... I trully like her... but I don't think I love her like she deserves... so... this had to come to some conclusion...she forced it... I'm glad she did that because I would just have delayed everything...day after day...

It wasn't easy..I hardly talked... unfortunately I normally don't talk much... in the end she said it was over...I had to agree with her.. coming to a conclusion no matter how painful it is...is always good right? it moves us in the correct direction and prevents further damage from occurring...I kind of feel relieved it is settled... at least...I think I should feel like that...but I don't...

I made her cry..she got angry at me and said she never wanted to talk to me again...to never call her.. that I didn't know what it is like to wake up in this city without me...knowing she would never kiss me again... I should be relieved..I'm not.. I think she is suffering a lot more than me...but I don't...I don't truly believe in that... but she is.. I feel terrible..she didn't deserve any of this..

not from me...not from anyone

[michelle23]

Both these relationships ended for a good reason so do not allow yourself to go back. Move forward. You should be alone for awhile. Take some time to reflect and to learn what you want in a woman. It sounds like you are not aware of your own emotional needs. Try to understand yourself better and think about the things that are important to you in a relationship.

Even do some research, read a book, whatever you need to to figure love out

Maybe you are not comfortable with affection or intimacy as you are closed off from your emotions?? Or that could have just been your way of creating distance as deep down you wanted out for a long time...

Avoid long distance-they rarely work.

For now, look after you, spend time with family and friends, focus on study/career, join a hobby and stay away from dating until you are sure what you want. Set your standards high and don't settle

Good luck

[smackie9]

Even if it was for the best, it's still going to hurt, but down the road when you both look back without the all the emotions and through different eyes, it will all make a lot of sense.

[nr13]

I asked myself how she was several times today.. I hope she's "ok"... thank you all for your replies..