Unrequited Love

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the reply.

You may be right, but I don't think this is simply infatuation or a crush. Certainly it started out that way, but has gone WAY beyond that. The feeling may fade, but I fear it will take years, if at all. Again, I've never felt this way before, in my 50 years of life, not even with high school crushes/infatuations. This is different.

I can't explain why I've fallen in love with her much more than I have already.

As for my marriage, my wife seems more interested in being my mother than my wife. Since my mother died over 20 years ago, that's a non-starter.

How is it different? It's only different because it's NOW and the other crushes were then. You only believe it's different because you have some need to fix her, some want to be needed in some way that your wife isn't currently providing for you because she has taken over the role of the dominate partner (mother) to your subservient one (son). You can get back the emotional and sexual connection you once had with your wife if you work on this together or with the help of a marriage councelor/personal therapist if you can't figure out how to get the spark back you once enjoyed together.

I suspect your wife has taken the role of your mother because you have taken on the role of her son and she does most of the running of things, yes/no?
It's no wonder you've lost sexual attraction for one another.. afterall, who wants to have sex with their mother/son? Start giving your wife the attention that you've given this other married woman at work, take her (your wife) out on dates and seduce her like you once did when you were trying to first get into her pants. Give her the sensual and emotional attention that you, yourself want and she will more than likely respond to you.

... and no, it won't take years for you to "get over" this fixation you have with Mrs. Co-worker. All you have to do is stop your constant thinking about her by focusing on your wife, keeping busy doing things you like and by stopping the texting and extracurricular contact. You don't even know this woman past the fact of how she is at work, the kind of texted pictures she finds funny O.o and that she is clinically depressed... Hardly fodder for feelings of love.

[Mister Gumby]

This made me cringe. White Knight Syndrome if I've ever seen it.

You sound like a tipsy romantic; what you really need is a swift kick in the ass.

Perhaps. But I'm not sure there's anything wrong with being a romantic.

Some of you folks sound like you've never been in love before.

[Mister Gumby]

How is it different? It's only different because it's NOW and the other crushes were then. You only believe it's different because you have some need to fix her, some want to be needed in some way that your wife isn't currently providing for you because she has taken over the role of the dominate partner (mother) to your subservient one (son). You can get back the emotional and sexual connection you once had with your wife if you work on this together or with the help of a marriage councelor/personal therapist if you can't figure out how to get the spark back you once enjoyed together.

You're assuming quite a bit. I don't feel the need to fix her. I feel the need to be there for her when she needs someone, whether in good times or bad. I fell in love with her not because she was clinically depressed, but because she shared something very personal with me, and due to everything that led up to that.

I suspect your wife has taken the role of your mother because you have taken on the role of her son and she does most of the running of things, yes/no?
It's no wonder you've lost sexual attraction for one another.. afterall, who wants to have sex with their mother/son? Start giving your wife the attention that you've given this other married woman at work, take her (your wife) out on dates and seduce her like you once did when you were trying to first get into her pants. Give her the sensual and emotional attention that you, yourself want and she will more than likely respond to you.

She did that from the start. She was married once before, got divorced, and raised two young girls. So she was used to being in charge, and apparently didn't want to give that up.

We do go on dates. We went to the movies recently, and about 1 minute after sitting down, she decided she couldn't get comfortable and left.

... and no, it won't take years for you to "get over" this fixation you have with Mrs. Co-worker. All you have to do is stop your constant thinking about her by focusing on your wife, keeping busy doing things you like and by stopping the texting and extracurricular contact. You don't even know this woman past the fact of how she is at work, the kind of texted pictures she finds funny O.o and that she is clinically depressed... Hardly fodder for feelings of love.

With all respect, again, you're assuming a lot. I obviously haven't been able to hammer out every detail. You don't think I'm in love, I know I am. There really isn't much more to say. I think it will take years, if I ever get over her at all. I think I know myself better than you do.

[Guybrush]

Perhaps. But I'm not sure there's anything wrong with being a romantic.

Some of you folks sound like you've never been in love before.

Gumby (sorry for calling you Derek earlier),

As I said earlier, I can really relate to your situation. I am also a hopeless, passionate romantic. AND I have been in a situation that is very similar to the one that you describe. I won't try to hijack your post by describing the details of my own issues, but believe me they were strikingly similar.

When I tried to analyze the situation, I found that what I probably needed was the feeling of being in love again. "Being in love with love" is a cliché for that, I believe.

The reason why I am bringing this up again, is that I really want to challenge you to at least try to channel that passion back towards your wife. Looking back, I am almost surprised to see how well that worked for me. The thing is that the reward is priceless for both of you if you succeed. And even if you fail you haven't really lost anything compared to the situation as it is today.

Your other alternative, pursuing anything further with your young coworker, is much more risky (even when setting the ethical aspects aside), and I cannot reallly see a happy ending to that. You may end up hurting four different people in the process.

[Mister Gumby]

Gumby (sorry for calling you Derek earlier),

As I said earlier, I can really relate to your situation. I am also a hopeless, passionate romantic. AND I have been in a situation that is very similar to the one that you describe. I won't try to hijack your post by describing the details of my own issues, but believe me they were strikingly similar.

When I tried to analyze the situation, I found that what I probably needed was the feeling of being in love again. "Being in love with love" is a cliché for that, I believe.

Funny thing is, I've never considered myself a romantic before, at least not like this. And I never pursued damaged women before. In fact I rarely pursued women at all. I'm basically a shy person, never had a girlfriend all through high school, lost my virginity at age 23, to a 19 y/o girl. Besides her, the only other woman I've been with is my wife. And there were 9 years of nothing between the first and my wife.

The reason why I am bringing this up again, is that I really want to challenge you to at least try to channel that passion back towards your wife. Looking back, I am almost surprised to see how well that worked for me. The thing is that the reward is priceless for both of you if you succeed. And even if you fail you haven't really lost anything compared to the situation as it is today.

Understood.

Your other alternative, pursuing anything further with your young coworker, is much more risky (even when setting the ethical aspects aside), and I cannot reallly see a happy ending to that. You may end up hurting four different people in the process.

I did not plan on pursuing anything further with my coworker, apart from friendship, if she's willing to. And if she's not willing, I will have to live with that.

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism. At least you haven't told me I don't feel the way I do.

[Guybrush]

Understood.

Oh yeah?? I want to hear a "challenge accepted!"

I did not plan on pursuing anything further with my coworker, apart from friendship, if she's willing to. And if she's not willing, I will have to live with that.

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism. At least you haven't told me I don't feel the way I do.

You know best what you feel. There is no point in us critizising that.

When it comes to how to relate to your coworker in the future, I definately don't see anything good coming out of confessing your love. I can understand why you might want to do it, simply because you have a need to express your feelings. However, I am quite confident that it will be uncomfortable for both of you and you will end up regretting it.

I still have a feeling that your coworker subconsciously represents something that you feel is missing with your relationship with your wife (again, I am speaking from my own experience). That way, isn't what you have with your coworker more painful and frustrating than it is constructive?

If she moves, that is an opportunity for this to end naturally. I think you need to get over your coworker, and her moving will help see that happening. Don't fight it, please.

[Wakeup]

You're assuming quite a bit. I don't feel the need to fix her. I feel the need to be there for her when she needs someone, whether in good times or bad. I fell in love with her not because she was clinically depressed, but because she shared something very personal with me, and due to everything that led up to that.

Gumby, I'm sorry, but I'm not assuming much of anything really nor am I critisizing how you feel. Your situation is not unique and it happens to men and women often who subconciously (until acknowledged) have a need to fix or rescue and who have an infatuation. It's called White Knight Syndrome and what you say I've assumed is only based on what you've described, that is why I have the opinion that I do. If you care to google "Limerence" and read the wiki link to it.. it will describe what I'm meaning and what I think you're going through re; the infatuation. Anyway, enough of that.

She did that from the start. She was married once before, got divorced, and raised two young girls. So she was used to being in charge, and apparently didn't want to give that up.

Well that is who you married and I will assume (this time) that you must have been quite happy to let her assume the role or surely, if you were'nt happy you'd not have married her.

We do go on dates. We went to the movies recently, and about 1 minute after sitting down, she decided she couldn't get comfortable and left.

I don't mean "movie dates." Movies are what you do with your same sex platonic friends or when you just want a bit of fun with your mate. They are'nt conducive to bringing about any type of bonding when you can't even talk to one another. I meant things to do where the two of you can reconnect emotionally.

With all respect, again, you're assuming a lot. I obviously haven't been able to hammer out every detail. You don't think I'm in love, I know I am. There really isn't much more to say. I think it will take years, if I ever get over her at all. I think I know myself better than you do.

It will only take "years" if you refuse to do the mental work it takes to let go. Your choice how long it takes though, so if you insist that it will "takes years" then it is very likely that it will. Just know that it doesn't have to.

*snipped* would you consider marriage councelling?

[IndiReloaded]

Just go to the sticky here on the site, Gumby, and read about Shining Knight syndrome. Its the source of the info that everyone is referring to and there are several additional posts from some of the older regulars (myself included) that you may find informative.

[IndiReloaded]

Gumby (sorry for calling you Derek earlier),

As I said earlier, I can really relate to your situation. I am also a hopeless, passionate romantic. AND I have been in a situation that is very similar to the one that you describe. I won't try to hijack your post by describing the details of my own issues, but believe me they were strikingly similar.

When I tried to analyze the situation, I found that what I probably needed was the feeling of being in love again. "Being in love with love" is a cliché for that, I believe.

The reason why I am bringing this up again, is that I really want to challenge you to at least try to channel that passion back towards your wife. Looking back, I am almost surprised to see how well that worked for me. The thing is that the reward is priceless for both of you if you succeed. And even if you fail you haven't really lost anything compared to the situation as it is today.

Your other alternative, pursuing anything further with your young coworker, is much more risky (even when setting the ethical aspects aside), and I cannot reallly see a happy ending to that. You may end up hurting four different people in the process.

Guybrush - May I ask you post your story and, most importantly, *how* you reconnected with your wife?

This site sees a lot of over-analysis of problems (yawn), which is relatively trivial considering the issues in human relationships tend not to be unique. I've been on this site for almost a decade and, at the risk of sounding jaded, there is little new in the posts.

What IS uncommon, however, are those who actually find and implement workable solutions to their issues. I would personally find your story informative, I think.

Cheers,
- Indi

[Mister Gumby]

Oh yeah?? I want to hear a "challenge accepted!"

I'll work on it

You know best what you feel. There is no point in us critizising that.

Let's hope some others get the message

When it comes to how to relate to your coworker in the future, I definately don't see anything good coming out of confessing your love. I can understand why you might want to do it, simply because you have a need to express your feelings. However, I am quite confident that it will be uncomfortable for both of you and you will end up regretting it.

I agree, as I've mentioned above. As much as I want to (but only if she were to leave the job), I won't.

I still have a feeling that your coworker subconsciously represents something that you feel is missing with your relationship with your wife (again, I am speaking from my own experience).

Of that I have no doubt. Consciously, not sub. But what is missing is not something my wife can simply work to achieve.

That way, isn't what you have with your coworker more painful and frustrating than it is constructive?

It is both joyous and painful at the same time.

If she moves, that is an opportunity for this to end naturally. I think you need to get over your coworker, and her moving will help see that happening. Don't fight it, please.

I'm conflicted about whether I think it would be best for her to find another job or not. I know from an external perspective it would be better for both of us (all four of us). But my selfish heart doesn't want her to go. I can't stop that.

[Mister Gumby]

Gumby, I'm sorry, but I'm not assuming much of anything really nor am I critisizing how you feel. Your situation is not unique and it happens to men and women often who subconciously (until acknowledged) have a need to fix or rescue and who have an infatuation. It's called White Knight Syndrome and what you say I've assumed is only based on what you've described, that is why I have the opinion that I do. If you care to google "Limerence" and read the wiki link to it.. it will describe what I'm meaning and what I think you're going through re; the infatuation. Anyway, enough of that.

I've read the link on SKS (Shining Knight Syndrome). I don't think it describes me at all.

I read the link on Limerence when you first mentioned the work, seemed like a lot of psychobabble to me. You have criticized how I feel, or more correctly, contradicted how I feel. You think I'm simply infatuated. I'm telling you I'm not.

Well that is who you married and I will assume (this time) that you must have been quite happy to let her assume the role or surely, if you were'nt happy you'd not have married her.

At the time I didn't know what I wanted. I mentioned that I had very little experience with women, as a result, I probably didn't make the best decision. I'm not perfect.

I don't mean "movie dates." Movies are what you do with your same sex platonic friends or when you just want a bit of fun with your mate. They are'nt conducive to bringing about any type of bonding when you can't even talk to one another. I meant things to do where the two of you can reconnect emotionally.

That was one example. We do lots of other things when we can both find the time. We both work full-time. And we can have fun, as long as we don't get into a silly argument.

It will only take "years" if you refuse to do the mental work it takes to let go. Your choice how long it takes though, so if you insist that it will "takes years" then it is very likely that it will. Just know that it doesn't have to.

The problem is, I don't want to forget her. That's just how it is.

*snipped* would you consider marriage councelling?

I might, but I think my wife would be more resistant to change than I would.

Thanks again for your insight.

[Wakeup]

The problem is, I don't want to forget her. That's just how it is.

Yes.. that does sound like a problem, particularily when this, as you say, is unrequited.

I might, but I think my wife would be more resistant to change than I would.

Thanks again for your insight.

Good luck, Gumby.

[Guybrush]

Guybrush - May I ask you post your story and, most importantly, *how* you reconnected with your wife?

Thanks, I may just give it a shot. I will need some time to phrase it in a coherent and interesting way. Maybe I will wait until some issue arises so that I can ask you guys for counselling at the same time.

[IndiReloaded]

Gumby - Live to your values. If who you are says your marriage is important, for whatever reason, then do things you must to improve it. If who you are says personal happiness is important (including this other woman), then do those things.

Though, personally, if your wife is willing to meet you partway, I think your best solution is to focus on your personal happiness *within* the marriage. Ask her for what you want. Tell her your hopes, dreams and disappointments. Make a plan to do better for each other. Just a guess, but based on your posts, it seems that marriage is important to you. It doesn't sound like there are any major dealbreakers with your wife, and you have a strong foundation to [re]build on. That's a lot of history to lose for an unrequited love that, I suspect, is more to do with the loss of intimacy with your wife than you really wanting to start again with a new partner.

[Fruitsss]

That story about sending funny pictures sounds weird too me.
U 2 adult for that. not?

Anyway, she shore realize that she should be faitfull to her husband and r comming too close in a wrong way.
Sos he took the steps necesery to protect her relationship and avoid people and situations that
r trying too let her lose her husband.

And that is what u should have done 2.
Instead of keep looking for ways too cheat on your wife.And i dont believe that crap
about u dont feel for your wife anymore.
Cause if its so u would have done or say something about with your wife to resolve the situation, it before u met this colleague.
So its stupid to start saying a list of bad stuff about your wife now that u like someone else.

Go solve your issues with your wife, therapy etc.
Cause she is yours, and if u cant solve things with the person u r married with u cant solve nothing with no other person.

Leave your co worker alone. She have her own men and she is smart enough to make choices for the best of her marriage.
Learn something about that instead of trying to do messy stuff.