Boyfriend broken up with me over Christmas over the phone! We live together!

[nicknock]

Hi

So my boyfriend (now ex) is 25 and I'm 31, we had a fight before Christmas over something ridiculous. He left to see his family for 5 days without even saying goodbye. So over Christmas, he pretty much ignored me. I sent him a message saying i didnt want to fight and he replied the same but said we both needed thinking space. He then ignored me all Christmas day but called me on Boxing Day, I was too angry so called him back yesterday.

He said he wants to end things, because we cant get past the 'issues' in our relationship. We moved in together very quickly (always a bad move) and i also have a 13 year old son. Hes 25 but hes very family orientated, spoke about children, marriage etc and hes only had one girlfriend before me, hes not the type of 25 year old that wanted to be out with his friends all the time. He was always very happy and content being with me.

The issues in the relationship, i guess are down to his age though. He only showers every couple of days, he never sticks to what he'll say he'll do etc. So at first it was a bit of a joke between us that he didnt shower every day, but on top of that we were having 'sexual' problems. He's not very experienced and everything was all over very quickly shall we say.! So id been really supportive of this but it went on for months and consistently said he should get checked out at the docs to make sure there was nothing physical wrong. He kept telling me he'd go and the issues got worse and worse to the point where i said, if he didnt go, that was it! I said to him, please dont tell me in another week that you havent been! Another week goes past and he still hadnt been so we had a huge row and i was very upset.
He came back that night though and apologised profusely and said hed realised that his actions were having an impact on me and our relationship and subsequently he went to the doctors.
Since then the showering problem has had an impact on our sex life, he's stopped me because he isnt 'clean', so whilst we're trying to work on things and improve them, he wasnt doing the very basics of keeping himself clean.
So just before Christmas, we had a fake Christmas day before he left for his folks, we woke up, i wanted to do 'stuff' and he stopped me because he hadnt showered for a couple of days! So i didnt say anything, didnt want to ruin the day, then it got to 11pm and he still hadnt showered! So i just got really angry at him, said he had no respect for himself or me or our relationship and went to bed. Got up the next day and carried on bickering, he was meant to leave at 3pm to go home and I was going to my aunties at 1pm. I said if he cared about us, then he would stay and wait for me to get back to sort it out. he didnt!
So we spent the whole of Christmas going back and forth about it until yesterday when i spoke to him and he said he wanted to end things. Initially i was really upset and said we could work on things etc, but then i thought hang on, this has come out of an argument that hes created with his lack of respect. So we ended it on the phone and he said he would get his things today!
I couldnt believe that we live together, hes in my sons life but he wanted to end it on the phone without even a face to face conversation!! And he'd made arrangements already to move out!
So he text me at 10am this morning to say his dad was bringing him home to get his things! So we havent seen each other or spoken and he's going to bring his dad to our house! Unreal. So i told him not to bother and when he could grow up and face me on his own then he could get his stuff.
So he turns up on his own, at this point i was so angry i just thought he can get his stuff and go for all i care. He sits there and says hes really sorry and how he doesnt want me to feel bad. Erm ok, well dont end things over the phone and find somewhere else to live without speaking to me.
Then it all came out that he thinks the relationship is too much for him, living together etc and how his sister told him hes only 25 so should break it off and get on with his life. He's weirdly close to his family, which is in some respects is nice, but you can see whats happened, he's gone home, they've told him hes too young for this etc and hes listened! I mean he speaks in baby voice to his mum and she's recently said she feels pushed out of his life because of our relationship so i bet they couldnt wait for this to happen.

So hes just gone, leaving me with our house, rent, bills etc. We spent a lot of money on his credit card furnishing the house and i also owe him money for the deposit and rent we paid when we moved in.I'm inclined to tell him to stick it and he can pay it off himself if he can so easily leave me in this mess.

Unreal that he has this little respect for me and our relationship!? we've been together a year and a half, live together and hes involved with my son so to just end it and move out without a conversation is insane!?

Sorry, stupidly long post but i guess im just trying to make sense of it myself!

[Chronicle113]

Someone that is 25 years old is old enough to handle his own responsibilities and problems for himself. It seems he just don't know how to handle pressure. I think it was for him and for you that he left because that is no way for someone that is 25 to behave. I know problems will surface in relationship but you're right though. He should had just talk to you directly about them. Maybe he just someone that doesn't handle pressure and stress well enough. Those are some "bad" habits he got. Nobody can't change an individuals actions, others can only influence them. He will have to make these changes for himself if he wants to. There's no need to be around someone that creates and stressful environment for yourself and possibliy your son. Well, things don't work out in relationships. That's for sure. He just needs to develop and grow more for himself as we all do. All you need is someone that you are compatible with and you understand each other. Don't worry though, as long as you have a positive mindset and an image of what you want, it will turn out well for you.

[aaron43]

Stay out of that "relationship"

He is obviously immature and not ready for what you are. You need to find a man to date

[basilandthyme]

This relationship sounds like it's better off ended. I think he's done you a favour by leaving. Let's face it, you've been really unhappy and your needs weren't being met - it sounds like you're far better off without him. The lack of a 'face to face' breakup conversation is small fry compared to the bigger picture.

Next time, don't move yourself and your son in with a guy so soon. It's really important to gauge compatibility BEFORE allowing your son to bond with anyone.

[wilmanelson76]

Do agree with Basil, the relationship doesn't look like it will take you anywhere. Also don't feel inclined to change another person (if he is immature), for that actually never happens.

[nikkikitch]

Thanks for your advice everyone.

Ive now accepted that he probably was too immature for me and definitely didnt go about ending things in the right way. But now i cant stop beating myself up for all the horrible things i said to him during our relationship :/
I think i knew from day 1 that our relationship wasnt right and took my frustrations out on him by being unkind at times. He was always too quiet, not strong enough and too placid to cope with my very strong personality and it got to the point where i would tell him that i didnt respect him for all of those reasons, plus the ones in my original post, showering, sticking to things etc.
I was also horrible to him on Valentines day and my birthday because he didnt meet my 'expectations'. I have my own issues which ive started therapy for, i think i set these unrealistic expectations as a way of failing, but i upset him so much because what he did on those occasions, in my eyes wasnt good enough. I apologised profusely after i had upset him, but i guess now what im asking, is even though i know this relationship want the one for me, how do i stop feeling guilty and blaming myself for not being able to have a relationship with such a lovely person. Aside from his immaturity, he was one of the kindest, sweetest most genuine people i ever met and after a horrific relationship before i met him, it was refreshing for someone to be nice! I understand nice isnt enough, but still, i feel like ive worn this lovely guy down with my demands :/

[Wakeup]

but i upset him so much because what he did on those occasions, in my eyes wasnt good enough. I apologised profusely after i had upset him, but i guess now what im asking, is even though i know this relationship want the one for me, how do i stop feeling guilty and blaming myself for not being able to have a relationship with such a lovely person.

That's an excellent question to start off your next therapy session with.

I think once you've learned the lesson (so that you don't repeat the same mistakes in future) it's a damn good time to forgive yourself and just thank your lucky stars that he was strong enough to leave what was obviously a relationship that was not meant to be forever.

Next time, don't move yourself and your son in with a guy so soon. It's really important to gauge compatibility BEFORE allowing your son to bond with anyone.

This is an excellent bit of advise that will help to ensure that your son doesn't grow up to learn that relationships are useless, temporary things.

Even though the lack of bathing is a deal breaker in itself ~ kudos for realizing that it takes two to tango in the overall scheme of things and you have started your own therapy.

[nikkikitch]

Yeah, id broken up with him about 5 times but we never stuck to it. You're right, im actually quite glad he did it really as we wernt happy. Just feel so awful for some of the things i did, but then i guess thats natural to blame yourself when a relationship ends!