advice, moving forward

[aaron43]

Hello. I'm new here, this is my first post and looking for some advice.

I'm 29, been divorced a year now. First marriage, well, not so good. We were together for 8 years, lived together 5 years, and married for a year and half. Horrible marriage, we fought constantly, I married for the wrong reasons, I had been with her so long that I just figured "well I might as well marry her” What a freaking mistake that was. Even though she treated our dog better than she treated me I still married her, and was very unhappy.

I met a 23 year old woman online around the time my divorced was being finalized. We traded e-mails for about a week, then started texting and talking on the phone for about a month. We both weren't looking for a relationship but someone of the opposite sex to be friends with and hang out with. I knew from the beginning she had a 2 year old daughter, I didn't like kids, and didn't want kids, but we were looking for friends not a relationship so I was ok with this. I honestly was dying for female companionship! Not in a sexual way, but just being around a woman.
We met on Tuesdays and Thursdays to hang out when the dad or grandmother had the little girl for the evening. We did this for around 3 months, casual, going to a movie, or out to eat, no physical contact, purely friends enjoying each other’s company. The more time we spent together the closer we started to become. We realized we shared a lot of the same goals, dreams, and many common interests. Being together was a constant good time, laughing, and smiling the whole time. We were getting closer and closer. I held back because of the little girl, and my fears.

Well we both enjoyed off riding 4 wheelers and we went riding together a few times. She had her own, and I had an old ATV that was my fathers. I decided since we were enjoying riding I would go buy a new one. It was a Friday afternoon I told her after work I was going to go buy a new 4-wheeler; I’d call her when I was done. She quickly suggested well how about me and my daughter come with you? I was nervous about this and with my thoughts on having children and really my fear of children as I was an only child and had NEVER spent any time with kids of any age I was scared to death. But I agreed for them to come alone. I didn't know who was more scared, me or the little girl. Even more, I had this beautiful little girl in my truck and I was driving to the store scared to death of everyone on the road! I said hi to her, and she smiled at me, and we bantered back and forth, she talks very well for a 2 year old I have found out. We were waiting at the dealership and I talked and played with the little girl more and more, and by the time the night was over me and her were best of friends.

Well, this started the three of us spending a lot of time together, and led to me and her officially dating. The only nights it is the two of us was Tuesdays and Thursdays. Me and the little girl quickly became very close. I was still scared to death of this 25lb 2 foot tall blonde hair blue eyed little girl, but I was getting better. Her father isn't in her life more than 3 or 4 hours a week, and even at that its not every week, only when its convenient for him to get her, plus he has a little boy with another woman that he sees occasionally as well.

Now it’s been a year and I've slowly but surely drifted into being a father figure in the girl’s life. The girl is now 3. I've been there for all her major events, holidays, birthday, dance recitals, and I include her into everything that I do. I commonly go pick her up and me and the little girl go have our own adventures just the two of us, so her mom can do things she needs to do. The three of us go on trips to kids places, and do all the stuff a family does together, grocery shopping, ect. She doesn't understand why I have to leave at night and why we all don't just live together. But they both live with the girlfriends parents so I have only stayed over one night when her parents were out of town. At least 3 times a week she ends up calling me Dad, and I don't know how to handle this. I correct her that my name is Aaron. But she doesn't understand this, and just hugs me, tells me she loves me and giggles. I don't want to take her father’s place, even though he is not in that place at all. My girlfriend tells me I have been more of a Dad to her than her real Dad has ever been. He took off when she told him she was pregnant and did not even see his daughter until she was 6 months old.

My girlfriend wants me to be a father figure in the girls life. Lately I've even taken to disciplining the little girl when she acts up with me. Not spanking, I don't believe in that, I've taken to many back hands across the face as a child. But time outs and turning off the TV when she is acting up(I would not do this before, but let her mom take care of those things, but we quickly found out the little girl listens to me when I tell her something and her mom gave me the guidelines of these things so we can be the same)

She understands my fears. She has been hinting at the idea that we get engaged and move in together. I have my own 3 bedroom house, and everything we would need to do this. But honestly, I am scared to death about getting married, and having all this. I want it, I do so badly, but I am scared to death! I've learned a lot about myself in the last year, and have grown to be a completely different person. I no longer care about going to a bar and listening to a band, I'd rather the 3 of us go to chucky e cheese!

I'm not really sure what advice I am looking for. I have gotten over my fears of the little girl, and honestly love and care about her as if she were my own daughter, and really want to have a child of my own as well.

I guess what I am asking, are my fears because of my previous marriage and failures? How do I get over this? I am not afraid to seek therapy if that would help me get over my problems.
Have I been doing the right things? I've learned a lot myself in the last year and have grown a great deal. I question myself often to as why I didn't want these things before.

[Chronicle113]

I guess that's the whole point of experiencing everything in life is to learn more about youself. It seems that your previous marriage does have some sort of impact on you but I don't believe that's the reason you're so fearful with her and her daughter. Everything, to me, is just moving too fast for you and it seems that you are still scarred from your previous marriage. There's really nothing to fear. If you are satisfied with her and her daughter and you truly love them, then I don't see any reason to fear. At the back of your mind, you must hold doubt and fear that your previous marriage will repeat itself. I say just give it another go without thinking too much about it. Stepping into the unknown is a step for others to evolve and learn even more about themselves.

[aaron43]

My ex wife had a huge impact on me. You often hear of women being abused in relationships, but I was the one abused in this one. I am very afraid that my new marriage would end up like my last marriage. That is my biggest fear in the world. I could not go through that again. The divorce, the moving, the loss, and everything was completely the worst experience of my entire life. Even though my marriage was bad, I watched nearly a 1/3 of my life washed away with no a single thing to show for it.

You go from having a house full of memories(good and bad) and items, to an empty house. All I had left after the divorce was a house, my truck, a bedroom furniture set(because it was my grandmothers) and a microwave that only worked half the time.

[Chronicle113]

I see. I understand. I'm telling you, from experience, having a positive mindset creates dramatic changes (in a good way). I know your wounds is still fresh but your situation will only worsen if you continue to have the fear of loss in your heart. Try to do and think the opposite of what you are doing. As easy as it may sound and as hard it may be for you right now, trust me, it works. Just provide more time to situate yourself, practice on your thoughts, provide those changes and I promise you that your life will do a 360 turn. People don't realize that what you believe and what you accept as "true" will actually surface of how you believe it will turn out to be. Your thoughts, images, words and actions has an impact on your life and the upcoming events that haven't materialize yet in your life. Your past creates who you are today but what you do today will determine how your events in your life will shape.

[IndiReloaded]

There is a book for men like yourself, that may help. 'no more mr. nice guy'. You might want to pick it up.

I've always thought there is something healthy about facing our fears head-on. Many will talk it up, but few will actually do it.

[aaron43]

I see. I understand. I'm telling you, from experience, having a positive mindset creates dramatic changes (in a good way). I know your wounds is still fresh but your situation will only worsen if you continue to have the fear of loss in your heart. Try to do and think the opposite of what you are doing. As easy as it may sound and as hard it may be for you right now, trust me, it works. Just provide more time to situate yourself, practice on your thoughts, provide those changes and I promise you that your life will do a 360 turn. People don't realize that what you believe and what you accept as "true" will actually surface of how you believe it will turn out to be. Your thoughts, images, words and actions has an impact on your life and the upcoming events that haven't materialize yet in your life. Your past creates who you are today but what you do today will determine how your events in your life will shape.

Thank you for the kind words.

I understand what you are saying. I need to be positive focus on good results instead of focusing on past failures.

I think you are right. Sometimes when its just me and her and we talk about a future I almost have a panic attack thinking about what could go wrong instead of a positive future. I think by spring I'll be ready to propose. Honestly I already have the ring in my night stand....

Tonight is a perfect example of the kind of person she is. She has to take little girl to her fathers dads house so they can give her Christmas presents. I don't get involved with the ex or his family just his mother who is a very nice person who does a lot for her grand daughter. And only then because I pick her up there on Thursday nights. Anyway I am sick with a sinus infection so she stops and gets me dinner and sinus medicine and drops it off to me at my house. I've never had someone do that for me.

[Alden]

Thanks a lot!!!
I am agree with your reviews...
Thanks for sharing...