My parents want me to stay in my sexless relationship, help!

[strawberrie]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm 30 and he's 39. We live togethor. To everyone else we seem like 'the perfect couple.' My parents love him. My brothers love him. All our friends and neighbours think we're 'great togethor.' Everyone assumes we'll get married and live happily ever after. Except the one thing none of them know is that things aren't so perfect. Despite being supposedly in our prime, we hardly ever have sex. The trouble is, there wasn't much sex to begin with. Now, I have a high sex drive and like to be passionate with my man, but he is the complete opposite. Our relationship, to start with, was not based on passion or romance, but on friendship, companionship and good conversation. I always felt that we could develop the 'passion' side of the relationship. I suggested many things in bed. Unfortunately, he was stubborn and would say "don't tell me what to do, I know how to please a woman." Except, he didn't. He didn't understand about foreplay, about kissing, touching, sensuality, lovemaking. With him, sex was practical and mechanical. There was never any stimulation for me, so I had to buy sex toys, which was the only way I could come. Over time I became frustrated that he refused to talk about foreplay etc. Gradually, sex became less and less frequent. A few times I would try to initiate things but he would say he's had too much to drink, or, it was 'too early' to 'go to bed'. He would wake up in the morning and masterbate himself whilst I lay in bed next to him. I'm open minded and didn't mind occasionally but when it happens everyday I started to feel rejected and insulted that he would masterbate rather than have sex with me, his girlfriend. Feeling undesired and unwanted was so depressing and made me feel like we were living like brother and sister rather than boyfriend and girlfriend. This affected every aspect of the relationship and I felt that we had no intimacy and no special bond. Meanwhile, at work, there was a guy who started showing interest in me. I really fancied him but tried to ignore my feelings for a long time because I wanted to try and make things work with my boyfriend. However, after months of trying and failing to improve the situation, I told him I wanted us to seperate and to give each other time and space to figure out what we wanted. Due to financial reasons, I could not move out so I moved into the spare room. He was devastated and couldn't understand how the break up came 'out of the blue.' This annoyed me because it wasn't out of the blue and we'd had problems for many months, except that he refused to admit that there were problems. He wanted to bury his head in the sand. Even after breaking up, he still carried on pretending to his friends and family that we were still togethor, Meanwhile, I began seeing the male colleague who had been flirting with me for months. It was passionate, beautiful, wonderful, to finally be with a man who wanted me and desired me, as much as I wanted and desired him. To be with someone and not to feel like every minute is another battle. He gave me everything that was missing in my previous relationship. We were using contraception but I became pregnant very quickly and unexpectedly. Suddenly things seemed very certain, I would move out of my ex's place and start a new life with my new man. However, my parents were giving me hell for the fact that I had 'betrayed' my 'perfect boyfriend of 2 years' and was 'running into the arms' of a 'working class dweeb'. But a few days before I was due to move out, I skidded on ice and had car crash (no other cars involved luckily) and while I was unharmed, I sadly had a miscarriage at 11 weeks pregnant. At the time, due to a combination of hormones, extreme emotions, confusion, exhaustion and parental pressure, my ex boyfriend convinced me to come back to him and give things another try, he promised that things would change. It's been three weeks since the miscarriage and I'm now in limbo. My ex has been telling everyone we are back togethor and he is acting like nothing ever happened (he knows about the miscarriage). There's been no intimacy or affection between us, we are just like housemates. Meanwhile I've been thinking of my lover and missing him as he's been away looking after a farm for the last two weeks. I managed to visit him twice and we shared some beautiful moments togethor. Over the Christmas period all my family, parents, uncles, aunts, were all saying how I have to make things work with my ex, and that I have to give the relationship another go. They all love him and think he's Prince Charming, but even when I tell them about all the problems in the relationship they still don't seem to care how unhappy I was with him. Its as if I am the one with the problem and he can do no wrong. Meanwhile, after meeting my new boyfriend for about 10 mins, they all decided they don't like him, and that he's 'nothing' compared to my ex. They say that because he's from a council estate and speaks 'like a commoner' (even though he's a talented graphic designer with a good job and his own house) that he's 'not good enough' for me and he'll 'always be out of place at social events and dinner parties.' This really upset me as he has a good heart and is a kind and gentle man, and maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I believe love can cut through social barriers. Now I feel in an impossible situation. Do I choose my ex, who appears to everyone else to be 'Prince Charming', nice house, nice car, good salary, well spoken, tall, handsome, socially confident, with many good points but essentially stubborn, argumentative,overweight, passionless and sexually unresponsive. But hey it would keep everyone else happy.... OR do I choose my new lover.... who appears to those on the outside as a short, balding, low-paid, socially awkward man from a council estate, but who infact is passionate, tender, wise, sensitive, caring, romantic, super fit, creative, artistic, loving, but risk the fact that my family will always resent me for choosing him over my ex. I realise I have written alot but I felt that I had to give the whole story, to give the situation context. Basically if I get back with my ex, even though I do love him, I can't imagine anything changing in terms of the lack of sex and intimacy. I think he'd be quite happy to stay togethor with very little passion or intimacy. He's not a bad person, he has a lot of good points, but he's incredibly stubborn and unwilling to recognise any problems. He sees normal intimacy as a currency with which to barter, if I ask for a back rub he'd say "only if you do x y & z". I can understand every relationship is about give and take but its so frustrating when every little thing becomes a currency with which to barter. With my new lover, all these things come naturally, we give pleasure to each other because it feels good to make the other person happy. I'm so confused. My head and my heart are telling me different things. I can't think straight, and the pressure from my family is overwhelming. Any advice would be very welcome.

[HeartIsAching]

Visualize using paragraphs.

Who cares what your parents think? You're 30 years old, for fux sake. You need to break up. He's not satisfying your needs and won't take direction.

Just out of curiosity when he said "I know how to please a woman" did you say "No, you don't." If not - why not? You can't expect him to get better if you don't communicate honestly with him.

[surfhb2]

Your happiness is most important. If what your family wants goes against that why go there ? What's in it for you?

[searock]

I think your current bf may be gay.

Anyway, as HIA said - you're 30, not 13. You are the only one who gets to decide what to do with your life. Are you sure you aren't using the "my parents won't let me" thing as an excuse because deep down, you don't want to be with the other guy or are afraid of the change?

Also food for thought: you don't have to pick between one or the other. You can just be single if neither of them seems good for you.

[strawberrie]

Just out of curiosity when he said "I know how to please a woman" did you say "No, you don't." If not - why not? You can't expect him to get better if you don't communicate honestly with him.

Hi, thanks for your reply. You are so right I am now 30 and should not be influenced by my parents. Unfortunately they are very emotionally controlling and have been turning alot of family friends against me because they refuse to see my side of the story.

In answer to your question, when he said "I know how to please a woman" I tried to explain to him that all women are different and that its not a 'one size fits all' approach. I said to him "I like it if you do it like this.... " and tried to guide him. But he wouldn't listen. He got grumpy and said "don't tell me what to do." I tried many times but to no avail. I also tried to explain the difference between 'lovemaking' and 'sex' but he didn't see that there is a difference. To me there is a difference. :-(

[HeartIsAching]

Then he's insecure and controlling.

[strawberrie]

I think your current bf may be gay.

I don't think he's gay, although we have lots of gay friends so its not like he couldn't 'come out' if that was the case. I've seen his laptop history and he watches straight porn. He's only had one major girlfriend before me (in his twenties) and then he was single for many years. He always claimed that he used to have lots of 'great' sex with that girlfriend (who he is still in touch with, personally I think he's never fully got over her). He blames the lack of sex in our relationship down to his age, too much drink, or blames me for having a 'low sex drive' - which is not at all the case. He claims that he loves me and that one day he wants to marry me and have children, yet is refusing to acknowledge the problems. Also, surely if he wants to marry me he should be showing me some love, desire and affection. Its like what he says and does are different things.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't think he's gay, although we have lots of gay friends so its not like he couldn't 'come out' if that was the case. I've seen his laptop history and he watches straight porn. He's only had one major girlfriend before me (in his twenties) and then he was single for many years. He always claimed that he used to have lots of 'great' sex with that girlfriend (who he is still in touch with, personally I think he's never fully got over her). He blames the lack of sex in our relationship down to his age, too much drink, or blames me for having a 'low sex drive' - which is not at all the case. He claims that he loves me and that one day he wants to marry me and have children, yet is refusing to acknowledge the problems. Also, surely if he wants to marry me he should be showing me some love, desire and affection. Its like what he says and does are different things.

He blames YOU for having a low sex drive?

Honey, he's got other issues too. It's time for you to walk away.

[strawberrie]

Then he's insecure and controlling.

I think you're right. I only started to think about this recently. I've never really felt 'equal' in the relationship. He's always taken the 'fatherly/parental' role and we've always done things HIS way. We can only decorate the house the way HE wants. We can only eat the meals HE wants. (Even though I always cook) If we're planning a night out he'll ask what do I want to do and if I say 'cinema' or 'bowling' or 'thai meal' he'll say "I don't like going to the cinema/bowling/thai food" so we always just end up at the pub. So I have the illusion of choice but we always do what he wants in the end. Also, I am ALWAYs the designated driver, because he says he can't risk losing his license, because he says his job is more important than mine. So every time we go out, I can never drink. Or recently, in an emergency, I used £20 from our joint bank account (which we both put money into each month for bills etc) anyway he got really angry and said I was taking liberties. Also, we have a deal where he buys the food and I do all the cooking and housework, but I have to ask permission before pouring myself a glass of wine or cutting a slice of bread. It just feels wrong yet he acts like I'm the one thats causing problems. My parents think his 'dominance' is a sign of being an 'alpha male' but I don't think so.

[HeartIsAching]

Um... yeah. He's really controlling. That's not "alpha male", that's "asshole".

Time to run, not walk away.

[Fruitsss]

I think its not your parents its u that still immature at that age.

Cause a mature person would have done what they suppose too do.
But u just make the excuse by saying that its your parents that dont want u to leave.
But u are the person that still with him.

And u knew it was not a good start in your world.
So why start it?
And sex is not the most important thing. Especially when u r not married.
ANd also u dont really like him at least , so sex can only bring u guys into becoming parents.
And make it worse. So stop complaining for stupidity.

And your story is kind of the same as the others that cheat.
When things r going wrong and they dont know how to communicate they open up to whatever dude at work
or somewhere and say they feel better with that dude.

That is slutty and immature. Adult finish one before starting another.
And communicates directly with their partner. And ends it if that is the solution.

[smackie9]

You need to look at your own issues here...you have been in this abusive relationship for 2 years, and worry about what your parents opinions are on your personal life, that tells me you have very low self esteem, and lack self worth. You parents have been controlling you since you were a child, that's learned behavior. Learning that behavior you are with a man that does the same thing. Your parents are still doing it and you are letting them keep doing it. From an outsider opinion, this is not acceptable. Parents should be supportive and protect their child. From what I see you never have experienced that from them.

End this relationship with him. Tell it to his face what you see is not right..... he needs this dose of reality. Same with your parents. They need to see a side of you that will not tolerate this crap they have been feeding you, and let them know what you need to expect from them is some love and understanding.

[strawberrie]

I think its not your parents its u that still immature at that age.........Cause a mature person would have done what they suppose too do..........And sex is not the most important thing. Especially when u r not married.........And your story is kind of the same as the others that cheat........When things r going wrong and they dont know how to communicate they open up to whatever dude at work...............That is slutty and immature. Adult finish one before starting another.................And communicates directly with their partner.

I think you're being a bit unfair...... life is never black and white. You say a 'mature person would have done what they suppose too do' but what does that mean... what am I 'supposed' to do in this case? I was 'supposed' to make it work... I tried and I tried. I was 'supposed' to be understanding and talk to him... which I did, but nothing improved... who decides what I am 'supposed' to do? I'm not perfect.... but I tried my best to improve the situation. You say 'And sex is not the most important thing. Especially when u r not married.' I think you are wrong... we bought a house togethor, talked about marriage and kids, so if you are planning to spend your life with someone you need to deal with any issues that have arisen. If you are in a long term relationship, married or not married, sex DOES matter. It is the glue which binds two people togethor with a bond of intimacy. If you're just 'dating' then it's different, obviously. You also say And your story is kind of the same as the others that cheat........When things r going wrong and they dont know how to communicate they open up to whatever dude at work Again, if you read my post you will see that I broke up with him before starting a new relationship. I also resisted this other man for a long time because I was trying to make things work with my boyfriend. Believe me, I was communicating loud and clear... the problem was he was refusing to listen or work with me on improving the situation. You also say That is slutty and immature. Is it slutty and immature to expect love, intimacy and affection in a relationship? Is it asking too much to be wanted and desired by your husband or boyfriend? I guess I got to the point where I decided life was too short to feel like a nun.... if that makes me 'slutty' then so be it!

[smackie9]

Don't listen to her she is off the scale with her advice.....don't take it personally.


Anyways, you should never have committed to so much if your relationship expectations were not being fulfilled. He's 39 with these issues, they are pretty well sealed in concrete, and there is very little chance to 0 that he will ever change. Never sacrifice your own happiness for everybody else. F uck that shit. You deserve better, but before you can do that you have to be willing to change yourself, and learn to respect and love yourself First over everyone else. Don't go dating someone so old. You want kids and stuff, find someone younger or closer to your own age. Stop looking at a man to support you. You are 30 years old, you should be having your own career and financial security.

[strawberrie]

You need to look at your own issues here.. that tells me you have very low self esteem, and lack self worth. You parents have been controlling you since you were a child, that's learned behavior. Learning that behavior you are with a man that does the same thing.

It's strange... in my teenage years my self esteem was quite high... although I've always had a difficult relationship with my parents. I have five brothers who are all perfect in their eyes because they all have high paid jobs and they all do exactly what my parents want in terms of career and religion. I've always been the black sheep of the family. I overheard my dad on the phone to another relative recently saying how my whole life had been a disaster, because I've only just managed to find my dream job at the age of 30...(soooo old apparently) until now I've been in a series of contract jobs. I was distraught when I heard what my dad was saying about me. I might not be a high flying career woman but my life has hardly been a disaster, I got top grades all the way through school, got a good degree from uni, never taken drugs or done anything crazy, never been unemployed for longer than a month. It seems no matter what I do its never good enough. Also, they've always made me feel bad about my weight, even though I'm not fat, I have big boobs and womanly hips, I've always been naturally curvy but I am fit and go to the gym. All my female relatives including my mum are super skinny and have continually made me feel bad about my shape. Even if I starved myself I could never look the same as them as I am naturally muscular and curvy. This has really dented my confidence. For a long time my mum was saying no man would ever fall in love with me unless I get a flat stomach. My dad, although he is very overweight, also made jokes about my weight which really upset me. All along they would say, 'oh its only because we love you.' Except it never feels like love? They ridicule me about my previous boyfriends because I always preferred being with the more quiet, shy types, men that 'weren't good enough' for me, in their eyes.