What should we do about my partner's father?

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

Sorry in advance for how long this is

This is about me and my partner's relationship with his dad and stepmum. We have been together almost 4 yrs and have a very happy relationship. My partner has never fully got on with his dad because he can be a bit of a bully, he drinks a lot and can be overbearing. We put up with him for years because of my partner's little brothers who we like to visit but it all came to a head on xmas day. His dad and stepmum's attitude was appuling. They were rude, sarcastic and quite frankly, made it obvious they didn't want us there, especially her. We left early (before dinner) as it was too awkward and we didn't want any fights starting.

His dad called him the next day and demanded an explanation. My partner said that was fair enough and told him why we left that day but also how his dad made him feel over the years (even his 17 yr old brother is suicidal with his dad's attitude) and with how little freedom he was given and how overbearing his dad could be and that he needs to realise that we don't want a family of our own (his dad was forever hounding us to get married and have kids, just because he is very family orientated. Me and my partner never want kids or marriage). At first his dad agreed, yeah he has his moments but then he suddenly flipped and started blaming me for everything. I got the blame because I don't get on with my own mother, but I haven't for years and I have no problem with that but he thinks I don't like the fact my partner has a 'family' and I 'don't' according to his dad. I have my grandparents who I love more than everything and are all the family I need. So that is absolute rubbish!

During the call he brought up how my partner can't judge what his dad has been like with him until he is a dad himself. My partner flipped after constantly saying to his dad you've got me all wrong, I don't want a family and told him that we had to have an abortion this year after my Cilest pill failed (I could have flipped when I heard my partner mention it because I knew exactly how his dad would take it). His dad then snapped again and called me a slut, whore, murderer, you know all those things that those against abortion would call a woman and saying I probably cheated on him and he wasn't the dad. To me, that was enough. There was no need for that. He also moaned at how he was the last to know. He was the last to know because we knew this is how he would react because he believes family is everything.

So he sent my partner an email last night saying he wanted him to explain his feelings more and to do so in an email so my partner spent 4 hours last night practically writing an essay explaining every point his dad brought up in the call and trying to make it as calm and understandable as possible.

He got a reply today saying "I want nothing more to do with yous. You are no son of mine if you abort a life. I don't care if she was on the pill. Family comes first. You said you want nothing to do with us anyway so I hope you are happy. Don't reply"

Not once did my partner say he wanted to cut ties, especially not because he would miss his brothers. He only explained why we left at xmas and why he had been feeling the way he has been with his dad for years.

His dad has taken things the wrong way and we've tried twice now to explain that we don't hate them or want to ditch them, but he wont listen. He's too headstrong.

We don't know whether to just leave it because we've tried to explain and reason or to keep trying. I'll never forgive him for what he said about me and the abortion. I get some people are against abortion, I understand totally but to call someone who is almost family a murderer and a cheat and then ditch your son because of it, that's terrible. My family weren't happy with it but they agreed that they knew I'm not the kind to want kids and I was on the pill and I took it religiously so how it mucked up is beyond me and it was the shock of my life but they stood by me and never once judged. They were only upset I didn't tell them instantly (told them a few weeks after). Its not something I'm proud of but it was the best thing for me and my partner, regardless of what his dad believes.

Should we just ignore him from now on?

[smackie9]

First off if you don't ever want kids make it permanent, get your tubes tied. The pill, condoms, IUD etc are to be used until you decide to have kids and since you ain't having any there is no point in using something that is temporary. You are an adult, you can decide to have the operation and a surgeon can't deny you to have it.

Your guy has already made the step to tell his dad how he feels. Since his dad will not accept him as an adult, and to make his own decisions, then he has no choice but to just leave him be.

Keep them out of your life unless they make the move to reconcile.

[smackie9]

BTW I am like you. Me and my partner are not married and never had kids (by choice). His family is Catholic and never really took it too well (especially his aunts), but we stood our ground....we have been together for 23 years.

[HeartIsAching]

What should you do? Send him an email back that says "Fine with me." and be done with it.

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

I asked about sterilization while I was at the hospital and they told me no doctor on the NHS would perform it until I was at least 30 "in case I changed my mind". I'd go private but I can barely pay the rent let alone medical bills. I'm thinking of asking other GPs for advice and referrals if possible.

Thanks for your reply. We are pretty disappointed at how he reacted to what he got told because a lot of what was said, my partner had been holding back for years

[HeartIsAching]

My ex and I had the same problem. She was 29, I was 24, and they didn't want to do the surgery. She talked them into it, and then I had to sign a form essentially giving her permission to get a tubal ligation. Positively stone-age, IMNSHO.

[smackie9]

This incident may have a silver lining...this has been therapeutic for him, and will help him be a better person, and a stronger person too.

You keep looking you will find a doctor that is willing, especially if you offer to sign a release form that there will be no legal action taken against him or her for performing the operation. You should go to a family planning or a women's clinic. You may get the referral you have been looking for.

I ran into the same thing, and kicked myself for not seeking out another doctor. My doctor even denied me when I was 35. My surgeon told me that I had every right to have it done when I wanted it (28years old), I wish I knew this. So you fight for it. Just think how much you will save in not having to buy birth control.

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

I think its good everything is finally out in the open. You know like all the things my partner had been bottling up for years and even the abortion to a certain extent because it shows his dad that we aren't into having a family and we make our own decisions, together especially.

Just noticed there that his 9 year old little brother deleted us off Facebook. That doesn't really bother me but his little brother loved us so I know it would have been his dad that made him do it. I think that's silly bringing the kids into the argument. They should be able to make up their own mind. Not told what to think.

I will fight for my right to have it done. I don't mind staying on the pill (now on cerazette) but it is a nuisance having to take it every day and still having a chance of it ****ing up when there is a permanent option out there for :/

[HeartIsAching]

Are there no alternatives like Depro-Provera, or the coil?

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

Yeah there are but nothing is 100% and I can't go on any hormone contraceptives with oestrogen as I get migraines so its either POP pills or sterilization

[smackie9]

Gosh I feel so sorry for those kids. Send a message out to his siblings that your door will always be open to them.

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

Apparently after the phone call between my partner and his dad, they had a 'family meeting' so all the children would have heard everything that was said including the abortion and his dad would have been shouting and screaming and yet we are the bad ones? The kids are 19, 16, 10 and 8. They don't need to be involved in their dad's arguments.

[Fruitsss]

Well let me get to the point.

I dont know u so i dont judge u. But why keep open your leggs and have sex knowing that is
the way people gets pregnant and then have a abortion?
Its not like something u did not know about. And i think its u and your partners choice not
to want kids. So u should be making the sacrifice by remove his balls our let a doctor sterilize u.

Cause rather u like his dad or not abortion is murder and its something against your whole body mind and soul.
So its noting good. And im shore u as the woman knows that and feels that.Rather u want to admit the guilt etc
u feel and will keep filling or not. Kids should not suffer cause adults do crap with their lifes.
And selfish.

And u yourself came from a broken home , like u dont have a good relationship with your parents.
So i think it will be difficult for you to guide him in what that should be.

This may be not the kind of post u want too read. But i think people sometimes dont want kids cause of
the bad relationship they had with their parents or bad child hood. I dont support making kids in a bad situation.
And to avoid that people can choose not too have sex .
But if u have that kind of reason maybe u should go see why u r so against it having kids.

I think u just came into his life 4 years???!! So maybe u should not get involve in his
parents situation.
Some advice maybe or support. But its not your job to email them( only if its to bring them together).
Cause often there is more history there than u can ever make in that 4 years with him.
And often kids dont understand why their parents did not do certain things.
While sometimes parents did their best with what they knew and had at that time.

So thats why its important that at a certain age parents can sit and talk with their kids.And
be open as far as possible to forgive and understand each other.

Cause maybe his parents know they did something not the good way.
But they feel like they did have a hard time but did their best and all they get is
him blaming them for things. And maybe its also kind of the adult/parent /men ego
that let him react like that.
Also its a first reaction. Cause he did not aspect to hear him say all of that.
So it need also some time for him too process it all.

I think eater way no parent is perfect. And no children are perfect.
So at a certain point both need to forgive and move on.

But rather u r in or out of his life his parents stay his parents so
u better let him deal with them himself and mail them himself.
Cause im shore they have been true stuff u dont know or understand.
And im shore his parents have their own background issues and side of the story.

And i think this was not a empty happening.
But true this argument your bf had the courage to tell his that how he felt(not the right way but it brought something good)
and his dad now knows it. And at a certain point the situation can get too the next step which is talk about it/ forgive etc.

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

I'm against having kids because I see now point in having them, personally. I've never wanted kids, not even when I was younger. To me, that isn't a problem. Its just who I am and I don't want to change that. Ah the famous "why open your legs?" line? I was on the pill and with a man I have been with for years and still am. I wasn't sleeping with Tom, Dick or Harry or using no protection. Mistakes happen whether we like it or not and you are entitled to your own views on abortion and children, as am I, so please don't try and tell me I have a problem for not wanting them.

I did stay out of the argument. I said not one word to his dad. My partner done all the talking through phone and email, not me.

I understand his dad would have been angry and shocked at something he got told and yeah when we are angry, we do say things we regret but his dad isn't the kind to ever back down or admit he was wrong or went too far.

[smackie9]

Ignore fruitssss, she's a fruit loop. You don't need to explain yourself to her.