Should I Say Something?

**searock** · 01-01-13, 06:42 AM

Oh come on. Dump him already. He clearly isn't in love with you and guess what: he is insecure enough to stay in a relationship with a woman he isn't in love with, just because he's too afraid of being alone and doesn't have the guts to try. Dump him, you deserve a guy who is into you.

**basilandthyme** · 01-01-13, 11:04 AM

sksink, I don't think this is about insecurity at all. Instead, what you are experiencing is a fairly normal reaction to not getting your (perfectly reasonable) needs met.

Please go and have a long look at your self-esteem. Why would you stay with someone who takes another girl to the events which you've stated you'd like to go to?

**VincenzoG91** · 01-01-13, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by eksink

I'e brought up my feelings before, but he has told me he's not going to stop seeing his friends just because I'm insecure. While I admit insecurity, I think it's justified. I've gone out with the both of them before. My boyfriend is not very affectionate when we hang out and often forgets I'm there. I have to fight for attention. The sad thing is the girl will actually push him to interact with me more. She feels sorry for me. It makes me feel pathetic, but I also see sincerity in her eyes every time she does it. I think he's so invested in their friendship because she's more available (I was a full time florist working the exact opposite of his schedule, so making time for each other was always hard. I still drove 22 miles to see him whenever possible, though.) and and funny. Again, I have no problem with the girl. I have a problem with the percentage of time my boyfriend spends with her. Were I to bring my feelings up again, I'm afraid he would break up with me. He broke up with me once before for being too emotional. I took that time to see a therapist and work on myself, and, after seeing the newer me, he wanted me back. I'm terrified that admitting these emotions I'm experiencing will make him feel like a crutch again and he'll leave.

...But then I think "Do I really deserve to feel this low about myself?" No. No, I don't. And it's seeming more and more like a choice between my sanity or (aside from this friend) the best relationship I've ever been in.

He's an asshole and you need to stop making excuses for his bad behavior. And you could easily find a better relationship than what you're describing here.

**Wakeup** · 02-01-13, 01:15 AM

Yes, since you've posted that he does nothing to make you feel or even seem Significant from this other girl then why stay with him or, why even be afraid to leave someone who has left you before because you wouldn't quietly tolerate his emotional infidelity like a good little girl? His (so called) friend is no better then him if she sees that he is unattentive and has to encourage/remind him that you are his gf. She should do the right thing and STOP hanging with him the way she is if she doesn't want a real relationship with him.

To stay with him after what you have revealed in your followup post will be you enabling him to continue on making you feel insignificant. Don't ever be afraid to leave someone who dates and hangs with another woman while you stay at home feeling angst and unhappy. If you MUST give him one more chance to redeem himself (after communicating your very reasonable insecurity in this case) then TELL him what you want to see happen and if he doesn't agree, then at least you know you gave him a chance. If he doesn't agree then please don't punish yourself a minute longer.

If/when you do break up with him, know that you will have many people that will help you through it by venting here.

**Maple1714** · 02-01-13, 02:38 AM

OP - dump him and move on. He is attracted to his "friend", but she isn't into him so he just hangs out with her hoping/fantasizing. He uses you to kill the time between his dates with her...he also uses you for the sex he doesn't get from her. I am sorry you are going through this. But, you have all the power in your life to get what you want. Remove yourself from this situation ASAP bc it's not doing anything for you but bringing you down. Work on yourself and constantly surround yourself with people who see your greatness.

Your BF is just too chicken to admit the truth to you, himself, and his "friend". His friend of course knows that he likes her, and she just likes the attention.

**HeartIsAching** · 02-01-13, 02:56 AM

Originally Posted by eksink

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. He's a very outgoing person and spends a lot of his time at work, at school, and with his friend Kristen. While I know he and his friend would never do anything, it immensely bothers me when they hang out- mainly because them hanging out includes dinners for two at nice restaurants and seeing plays and movies I've let him know I want to see. I find that, more and more often, he is cancelling on our plans because he is so tired or he opts to have a day indoors instead of us going out. This normally wouldn't bother me, but we haven't done a couples activity save for eating out in over a month. I never hear of him cancelling with his friend. I have no fear that he is cheating on me, but I still wish he would invest more activity time with me. I'm starting to feel a bit unimportant and lowly. If my self esteem were any lower, I would have to see a therapist.

So my question is: Should I say something to him about how I feel pushed-aside, or should I keep filling my time with hobbies and activities? If I do say something, how should I phrase it?

Are you not allowed to go with them? If so, that's a huge red flag.

**smackie9** · 02-01-13, 03:33 AM

Originally Posted by eksink

(aside from this friend) the best relationship I've ever been in.

Then you have made some seriously bad choices if this is the best you can do. Clearly you follow a destructive pattern when it comes to relationships. You refuse to see the red flags and call it quits. It's a no brainer when things are not right, is because they are not, and the best remedy is to walk away and save your dignity and self worth. Stop this pattern and the insanity, break up with him.

**eksink** · 02-01-13, 06:00 AM

Thank you all for your honesty and advice. It's been an eye-opener. I'l make my demands and see how it goes.

**smackie9** · 02-01-13, 06:04 AM

I really don't know why you even bother when you already have approached him on this many times and he has already told you we will not change anything. Actions speak louder than words..he wants her, and isn't going to give it up even tho he is in a relationship with you.

**basilandthyme** · 02-01-13, 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by eksink

Thank you all for your honesty and advice. It's been an eye-opener. I'l make my demands and see how it goes.

I agree with Smackie. This guy hasn't cared about what you want in the past, so why do you think it will be any different now?

Just dump him.

**Wakeup** · 02-01-13, 09:07 AM

Well, we all need to do things in our own way and in our own time so eksink. Your question was "should I say something?" Answer: Yes. If he makes you feel like you're being jealous, whiney or insecure then just ask him to leave and to never contact you again. If he won't even make an effort to show you that you're his Significant Other without belittling you and your feelings then he really is the asshole that he appears to be. As you know, you certainly deserve better than that.

**VincenzoG91** · 02-01-13, 10:09 PM

After you break up with him, he will have more time to spend with his platonic friend. Then he will discover that she isn't interested in a serious relationship with him at all, and come crawling back to you. Stay strong and turn him down.

**IndiReloaded** · 03-01-13, 12:54 AM

He's not acknowledging an important issue. You shouldn't have to *demand* anything. There's all kinds of asshole out there. Not all of them come with an obvious warning label.

I agree with the dumping him part. Not sure why you'd want him back tho. He's clearly not that into you.

**smackie9** · 03-01-13, 12:06 PM

He is just a solid twit. He has been hopelessly serenading her all this time. He is one of those fools that thinks, that she will come to her senses and realize she should be with him....NOT! it's obvious she won't have any part of that.

She is partly to blame for this...using him for her own emotional tampon because she has no one in her life atm. Shame on her. If she had any brains she would break off the friendship, especially seeing his behavior towards you...he is a total idiot.

**Nice Lover Boy** · 03-01-13, 03:05 PM

Keep us posted.

As a guy, I once had my lady friend around to feel very wanted. When I was with my GF, only reason for me to say that I could still hang out with my lady friend was because she was attractive. I messed up but me and my gf ended in good terms but still broke up because of it.

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