Should I Say Something?

[eksink]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. He's a very outgoing person and spends a lot of his time at work, at school, and with his friend Kristen. While I know he and his friend would never do anything, it immensely bothers me when they hang out- mainly because them hanging out includes dinners for two at nice restaurants and seeing plays and movies I've let him know I want to see. I find that, more and more often, he is cancelling on our plans because he is so tired or he opts to have a day indoors instead of us going out. This normally wouldn't bother me, but we haven't done a couples activity save for eating out in over a month. I never hear of him cancelling with his friend. I have no fear that he is cheating on me, but I still wish he would invest more activity time with me. I'm starting to feel a bit unimportant and lowly. If my self esteem were any lower, I would have to see a therapist.

So my question is: Should I say something to him about how I feel pushed-aside, or should I keep filling my time with hobbies and activities? If I do say something, how should I phrase it?

[rayna]

Communication is important. I'm not sure how to word it tho. Just try not to sound too whiny or make it sound like its all about you.

[Fruitsss]

Why do u even date is u dont even know that u need to communicate and that its one of the most
important things in a relationship.
Maybe u r underage???

U should say everything that u like or dont like or are worry about too your bf.
If u cant its cause u dated him too soon. While u dont even know him.

Its not something u should ask us if u can tell hm something.

And i think its wrong and disrespectful for people too keep hanging with friends like they use to do
when they have a relationship.
That person should spent more time with u and the freind should understand that they need to take a step back
cause now the person have less time to hang out.

I think that guy is playing u. Maybe he is also cheating on u with that freind.
Cause he treat the freind as his gf and u as a regular freind.

Keep fooling yourself or step up and break up!
Cause no normal guy would spent more time with other girl that isnt the one girl they r inlove with.

[IndiReloaded]

So my question is: Should I say something to him about how I feel pushed-aside, or should I keep filling my time with hobbies and activities? If I do say something, how should I phrase it?

Yes, you should say something. Tell him you feel his friend is more his GF than you are. Watch carefully for how he responds to this. Sorry, but I don't believe men and women can be 'just friends', not the way you are describing. Its possible he's got a thing for her and she isn't going there. I know that's what you fear, but you can't let that fear keep you from facing what may be the truth:

A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love

[Wakeup]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. He's a very outgoing person and spends a lot of his time at work, at school, and with his friend Kristen. While I know he and his friend would never do anything, it immensely bothers me when they hang out- mainly because them hanging out includes dinners for two at nice restaurants and seeing plays and movies I've let him know I want to see. I find that, more and more often, he is cancelling on our plans because he is so tired or he opts to have a day indoors instead of us going out. This normally wouldn't bother me, but we haven't done a couples activity save for eating out in over a month. I never hear of him cancelling with his friend. I have no fear that he is cheating on me, but I still wish he would invest more activity time with me. I'm starting to feel a bit unimportant and lowly. If my self esteem were any lower, I would have to see a therapist.

So my question is: Should I say something to him about how I feel pushed-aside, or should I keep filling my time with hobbies and activities? If I do say something, how should I phrase it?

I have to ask: What makes You "significant" as in "Significant Other?"

This is obviously bothering you and it's rather doubtful that you'll just be able to suddenly feel "important" while he dates is female friend. Simply and matter of factly tell him what you've told us here after that it's up to him to change his ways, which he'll do if he values you, and remember that in order for a relationship to be long lasting, you have to learn how to communicate with your Significant Other about things that he's doing that affect the emotional connection in your relationship and of course, he needs to be able to do the same.

I don't know of anyone who wouldn't be feeling inSignificant when their Significant other is still dating other women. (yes he's dating her) Friendship or no, when he's in a committed, monogamous relationship he needs to change up how he interacts with his opposite sex friends at least to the point where the one-on-one interaction is limited.

[searock]

He may not be physically cheating on you (I think you would know if he were, I trust your judgement), but he is definitely emotionally cheating on you with his "friend". Tell him what Indi said - that you feel she is more his GF than you are. He is doing girlfriend-boyfriend stuff with this girl, going on dates with her, talking with her every single day, etc. This is NOT ok, and you should let him know loudly (not literally) and clearly.

Next time he says he's going on a date with this girl, ask him if you can tag along. Ask him why he thinks she spends so much time with a guy that has a girlfriend, instead of finding one of her own.

A good friend of mine was in your same exact situation. She and her boyfriend had been together for about an year: after months of him ditching her to go on dates with his "friend", while she tried to make him understand how bad it made her feel, she got to the point of telling him explicitly: "either you stop hanging out with her so much, or I'm leaving you". Turns out he preferred hanging out with his "friend", rather than keeping his girlfriend, so she dumped him, and didn't regret it once.

I think your boyfriend is in love with his "friend". You should definitely confront him about it. Don't believe him when he says she's "just a friend" - male/female friendships do exist, but they're nothing like this. This is dating, crushing on each other, sharing sexual tension and emotionally cheating, to top it off. I used to be "the other girl" (doesn't make me proud, but it was a different situation), so believe me, I know.

[IndiReloaded]

Next time he says he's going on a date with this girl, ask him if you can tag along.

Actually, this is a great idea. Make *her* feel uncomfortable, kill her with kindness. Be sure to include PDA with your BF while you are out together.

[searock]

Be sure to include PDA with your BF while you are out together.

Yes, definitely. Pay particular attention to how your bf reacts: if he seems uncomfortable when you hug/kiss him in front of her, it's the ultimate proof that he's having an emotional affair with her.

[Wakeup]

Do you think he'd even agree to have her join them? Should be an interesting experiment if you have the nerve to test it out, Eksink! Of course if he makes excuses why you can't join them, well then you truly will know where you stand with him.

[searock]

He's probably going to try and find some stupid excuse, which is a red flag per se. The OP should either persist or dump him, in that case.

Eksink - is there any reason for which the two of them can't be in a relationship with each other? I mean, is there anything (other than himself) that prevents him from breaking up with you and getting together with her? This would be a perfect reason for his behavior: even if he broke up with you (losing the comfort and familiarity of an official relationship), he still wouldn't get to be with her. So, why break up with you, when he can have both you and the excitement and "butterfly-in-the-stomach" feeling of a new crush?

[Fruitsss]

Actually, this is a great idea. Make *her* feel uncomfortable, kill her with kindness. Be sure to include PDA with your BF while you are out together.

I dont think its worth it for her to suffocate herself acting crazy while its about a dude
that isnt really interested in her.
Things like that one may do when their partner is one with them and its only the freind that keeps flirting etc too him.

In this case i see a dude making a team with his freind and let his gf on the side.
So there is noting to fight for. Cause the bf himself is not interested and its him that
plans the problems.

[Fruitsss]

Topic starter choose for yourself! for real!

[basilandthyme]

My advice is different to the other posters: Considering that he KNOWS you'd like to do this stuff, I wouldn't bother with convesations. I'd just dump him.

[smackie9]

Just break up with him. It's too obvious he really wants to be with her, but she just sees as him as a friend. He is just fooling himself like totally, and that is his problem not yours. I agree with basilandthyme, it's not worth the conversation. There is no way he is going to give up on seeing his friend for you. The writing is on the wall.....

[eksink]

I'e brought up my feelings before, but he has told me he's not going to stop seeing his friends just because I'm insecure. While I admit insecurity, I think it's justified. I've gone out with the both of them before. My boyfriend is not very affectionate when we hang out and often forgets I'm there. I have to fight for attention. The sad thing is the girl will actually push him to interact with me more. She feels sorry for me. It makes me feel pathetic, but I also see sincerity in her eyes every time she does it. I think he's so invested in their friendship because she's more available (I was a full time florist working the exact opposite of his schedule, so making time for each other was always hard. I still drove 22 miles to see him whenever possible, though.) and and funny. Again, I have no problem with the girl. I have a problem with the percentage of time my boyfriend spends with her. Were I to bring my feelings up again, I'm afraid he would break up with me. He broke up with me once before for being too emotional. I took that time to see a therapist and work on myself, and, after seeing the newer me, he wanted me back. I'm terrified that admitting these emotions I'm experiencing will make him feel like a crutch again and he'll leave.

...But then I think "Do I really deserve to feel this low about myself?" No. No, I don't. And it's seeming more and more like a choice between my sanity or (aside from this friend) the best relationship I've ever been in.