Unwanted Nasty Thoughts

[Armadeus]

Okay, so this is on behalf of my boyfriend. A quick rundown of his previous issues that may be relevant. He was in two serious relationships (short distance), lasting two and one years respectively. The girls basically trampled on him, treated him badly and left him emotionally damaged. Together we've worked through this, taking things slowly, and all has been well, for the most part. Our relationship is long distance and at times it gets to us both.

A few months ago he suffered a panic or anxiety attack as a kind of relapse from how he felt at the beginning of our relationship, unsure of how far to apply his emotions in our relationship due to him putting his all into the others and ultimately being thrown aside by his exes..

Recently I made a post about my retroactive jealousy. That's all good and well now. We've worked through that, but something new has surfaced, and I need advice on how to help him through his issue now. Sometimes, usually when he's missing me, or the distance gets to him, or we're stressed, he gets involuntary, unwanted thoughts. He told me he was thinking about me and how he loves me while I was out at work, then a partition of his mind retorted "No you don't". He was able to dismiss the thought quickly, but he's had this for a while now, and we've put it down to his anxieties. We have discussed similar things, and it came to light that he can best describe these thoughts as "coming from a dark, nasty, spiteful part of my mind that festers and feeds on negativity. It barely shows itself, and rarely makes its way into real thoughts, but when it does, it's not nice".

Can anyone shed light onto what is causing this to happen, or at least how I can help him. Naturally we're both worried about it, but we're determined to work past it.

[Chronicle113]

Well, that is quite a dilemma of what's going on with him. Usually in previous experiences with individuals, seed are plant within all aspects of our being whether physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. In his case, he's facing his own demons emotionally within himself. Based on what you said and his experience, I say that he has to learn to love himself more. That's the only counter I can think of for his dilemma. Expose him more into to the brighter side of things. Practice being happy with himself and think deeply of what makes him special. The seeds of his past has grown tremendously and breeds fear and confusion. Everyone encounters this in a different way. He needs to have a brighter image of himself. If he loves himself first before others, he will in time to love others just as he love himself. Loving himself more than others will boost his confidence, having him think positive and also prevent him from worrying about failure.

[searock]

How often do you see each other in "real life"?

[basilandthyme]

I think it's a bit off that he's sharing this stuff with you. Personally, I think there's something to be said for sorting out our own demons and not putting the burden on others.

If he can't sort out his problems without you, then it doesn't say much for his self-help skills.

[Armadeus]

How often do you see each other in "real life"?

We have yet to see each other. I'm going to see him in February.

I think it's a bit off that he's sharing this stuff with you. Personally, I think there's something to be said for sorting out our own demons and not putting the burden on others.

If he can't sort out his problems without you, then it doesn't say much for his self-help skills.

I would rather help my boyfriend with things that upset and hurt him than let him suffer in silence.

[Fruitsss]

Well let start with u r wasting your time.
U cant talk about long distance and relationship.

Especially if it wasnt real life first and u 2 r planning to get together for real.
Cause if u dont spent time with each other u dont know the person.
U only know the words they tell u. And soo u r blindly believing whatever.

The way u or him describe the issue of thinking about u sounds like someone that have mental issues or something.

Cause its long distance i cant get a good picture of any kind of seriousness or input that u need too do.
Cause i dont take most of those relationship serious.
It make no sense often. Cause u dont know the dude u r just chat and phone mates.

And beside u cant control the other people. U can only try too control your own body.
So its stupid too ask how too help him. If he have a issue he needs too work on it or get help himself/.
And seeing the person have a lot of effect on your emotions and brain etc.
So if u dont see the person often its almost a waste of time. Cause there is no affection, and thoughts to
keep u warm and secure of what u feeling and no feedback.

[Armadeus]

I'm sorry, but if you can't take my relationship seriously, then why comment on this when I'm asking for advice about it? You don't know me, you don't know him, and you cannot tell me what I feel and what he feels. I would appreciate it if you would remove this post, or edit something helpful into it instead of bashing my relationship.

[Fruitsss]

ahahhahaha, child please no one here knows u, and it was your idea too ask us strangers . smart ass.
u ask, and we answer.
just like that! if u read my post well u will find plenty of advice. maybe not what u want too hear.

[dem862]

It sounds like he is trying to introduce you to his "dark, nasty, and spiteful" side. I expect if you tolerate this, it will show itself more often. Unwanted, intrusive thoughts can be caused by past traumatic events and anxiety disorders. This becomes problematic when the person cannot distinguish pathological thoughts from reality. It also sounds like there may be an element of underlying paranoia, which might indicate a possibility of psychosis or schizophreniform disorder. You are not specifically describing hallucinations or delusions, but I would certainly investigate those possibilities. Has he ever had a mental health evaluation? Does he have a history of substance abuse? Has he been capable of sustaining an adequate school or work life? He does appear to have low self esteem and he makes poor choices regarding relationships. If this continues to be a problem in your relationship, I would suggest that he see a counselor to rule out a serious mental health disorder.

[Boisdevie]

You've never met in real life but your 'relationship' already has problems. This does not have a future does it sweetie? If I were you I'd dump your 'boyfriend' go out and find a real one.

[Armadeus]

It sounds like he is trying to introduce you to his "dark, nasty, and spiteful" side. I expect if you tolerate this, it will show itself more often. Unwanted, intrusive thoughts can be caused by past traumatic events and anxiety disorders. This becomes problematic when the person cannot distinguish pathological thoughts from reality. It also sounds like there may be an element of underlying paranoia, which might indicate a possibility of psychosis or schizophreniform disorder. You are not specifically describing hallucinations or delusions, but I would certainly investigate those possibilities. Has he ever had a mental health evaluation? Does he have a history of substance abuse? Has he been capable of sustaining an adequate school or work life? He does appear to have low self esteem and he makes poor choices regarding relationships. If this continues to be a problem in your relationship, I would suggest that he see a counselor to rule out a serious mental health disorder.

He has never had mental hallucinations/delusions, he does well in university sustaining good grades. No substance abuse, he's heavily against drugs.

You've never met in real life but your 'relationship' already has problems. This does not have a future does it sweetie? If I were you I'd dump your 'boyfriend' go out and find a real one.

Yeah, that's not going to happen.

Thanks to everyone who attempted to help, but after seeing the lack of interest and helpfulness overall in this forum, I probably won't return. Thanks Boisdevie for patronising me, I really appreciate that when I'm looking for help. I hope you have a good life.

[Fruitsss]

I think u aspect us to tel u how great it was. but even thou u dont agree with us,
try too at least keep in mind or keep your eyes open for what it may not be.

cause u r defending him and all, but u dont even know him. like he typed on the chat :
"im so against drugs" and now u repeat it too us that he is against it .

Telling u one thing an being it are to different things.
So thats why u need too get to know people in person so u can
see and know what they really r.
Cause if he wants u too fall for him he shore will not tell u that he is mentally ill!or something.
And maybe u should not ask noting more on the Internet. But ask people in your environment.

[Cerby]

Ignore Fruitsss, she comes, mashes her keyboard in a few threads, then leaves.

As for your problem, and your boyfriends. You should read a book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", the updated version. Trying to help a man with his problems is insulting, men like to figure their own problems out on their own. If he is having anxiety and mental issues, he should seek professional help, you aren't in a position to help him there.

Sometimes wanting to help with something you aren't qualified to help with just makes the problem worse. What you SHOULD do here is ask him if he feels he can deal with it on his own, and act from there. He shouldn't be using you as a crutch.

[basilandthyme]

I would rather help my boyfriend with things that upset and hurt him than let him suffer in silence.

But hon, you're his girlfriend - not his therapist. It's good to be there for him, but if he can't solve emotional problems on his own, the he needs PROFESSIONAL help.

[staticline]

It sounds like he is trying to introduce you to his "dark, nasty, and spiteful" side. I expect if you tolerate this, it will show itself more often. Unwanted, intrusive thoughts can be caused by past traumatic events and anxiety disorders. This becomes problematic when the person cannot distinguish pathological thoughts from reality. It also sounds like there may be an element of underlying paranoia, which might indicate a possibility of psychosis or schizophreniform disorder. You are not specifically describing hallucinations or delusions, but I would certainly investigate those possibilities. Has he ever had a mental health evaluation? Does he have a history of substance abuse? Has he been capable of sustaining an adequate school or work life? He does appear to have low self esteem and he makes poor choices regarding relationships. If this continues to be a problem in your relationship, I would suggest that he see a counselor to rule out a serious mental health disorder.

This. I was thinking along the same lines when I read the OP's description.. smacks of anxiety-related automatic thoughts, or quite possibly hearing voices. I would proceed with caution in terms of making plans to meet up. I certainly don't want to pedal the idea that those suffering mental illness are somehow automatically dangerous.. this is far from the truth. But something about this kind of disclosure does seem a little odd and suggestive of an instability in his character, the nature of which you can't be sure. If I were you I'd spend some time really reflecting on what you know about this guy and your interactions with him.. has he actually stated that he finds this upsetting? Has he shown a genuine interest in addressing the issue and asked you to help him with this? Be careful that you're not just making assumptions or skipping over things... because in the absence of that, it could be that he's making you aware of, and fostering acceptance for his "dark side" in view of engaging in an emotionally (or otherwise) abusive relationship.. as if he's making his excuses before he gets started. Typically such a person would be perfectly charming to begin with, though there will be signs if you're alert to them. That he speaks of a pattern of romantic misfortune could also be a sign.. remember he's the only common denominator. Be particularly wary if he's used these "thoughts" to excuse any punitive, rejecting or humiliating behaviour, such as a humiliating comment or an attack on your self esteem. Even disregarding the possibility of mental illness or any cruel intent, I do wonder if mentioning these thoughts at all might be his (kind of immature) way of expressing some genuine doubts about the relationship or feelings for you.

Honestly though I think it sounds as if this relationship is off to a bad start full stop. I don't mean to sound harsh, but referring to somebody you've had no real life contact with as your boyfriend, and taking on such weighty problems at this early stage in the game seems perhaps a little naive and misguided..? I realise it's much more the norm that people find love online these days, and why not? But you haven't looked into his eyes or had your first kiss yet, and you're already sharing the burden of his psyche. Careful not to get too swept up in things that you're not applying judgement - remember you still have a lot to learn about him that you simply can't online or over the phone.

Sorry to be so negative. I hope it works out for the better, whatever you decide to do.