In need of advice

[Never charity]

My husband and I got together as children at the ages of 15 and 16. We were each others firsts. We have made many mistakes in our 22 years together. Curiosity killed the cat and about 12 years ago we started having relationships with other people or "swinging". This has caused many screaming and physical fights. We fought before this lifestyle change and now it's worse and we don't seem to have much in common anymore. I think our relationship changed drastically after the birth of our first son and we have not been happy together since. We have two sons involved, an 11 and 13 year old. I don't think I love my husband anymore. We both fell in love with the last people we were with for three years. They are now getting a divorce. I don't think we can repair things even though we no longer participate in that lifestyle. I want to be happy again. I would never repeat that choice and I think the fact that we made that choice shows there were big issues to begin with. We are both professional working adults who make good money and every other aspect in our life is good. I don't know what to do at this point. The thought of sharing my kids makes me ill but I don't think staying together is what I want to show them either. They deserve to know what a loving, joy filled home is like. I want to be with someone I feel like I love, I want to want to touch them and enjoy spending time with them. I do not believe in counseling.
Signed, Lost and Unhappy

[Fruitsss]

I cant understand how some people stend before the pastor etc. and hears
and see severals times that marriage is between 2.

But still they go and have things like swinging party's etc.
That never ever will make things right.
Cause if something is not how u like in your sex life it u should find the solution with en between each other.

Not with other people sleeping with u.
Cause marriage is made by God between 2 for a reason.

This is not the first story i saw in here about married people doing partner switch. AND it was always story's with sad ends.

If there is physical fights its very serious. And i think thats enough reason too divorce.
Its not normal, its not okay.
It should have not gone far like that.

And u dont believe in counseling , but it can help u see and heal from stuff u did
not think about first.
And i would say pray also too God too help both of you too do the right thing and ask Him too help u find the right pastor.
so if u dont want counseling right now , at least go talk too a pastor.
Cause often when u r in the situation u dont see the whole pictures.

And learn this lesson. Never never go do stuff with other people if something is wrong in your relationship/marriage.
U can only go too get advice like by a therapist.
But not too find pleasure by adding others in too your sex life.

And it make no sense. Cause swinging is with others and it doesn't add noting good between u and your husband.only separation.
And sex is such a intimate thing that u cant doit with whatever person.
Sex is also made for 2 people that are married. and it bound people.

And im shore those kids are suffering more then any of u.
While it was u guys that made that bad choice for your own fun.

I think rather its now or later u 2 needs too go leave in different houses right now!
So those kids can stop witness all of that horrible stuff that they did not ask for.

And should have think about all of the consequences way before doing all of that partner switch.

[Guybrush]

So you are mainly sticking together for your children, I understand? How do you feel your relationship is affecting your ability to function as parents?

You seem to be able to communicate your problem without difficulty. Then why dont you believe in counselling? I mean, you came here for advice, so you must be open to discuss this with outsiders?

[Never charity]

Yes, I am pretty sure I'm here for the kids. He's a good guy. Hard worker. But a very persistent bully. We get in fights where he asks the same questions over and over. I grow impatient and end up saying I'm done talking and walk away. He follows me and it becomes physical since he will corner me. We have everything. The golf course home, the convertible BMW, the stainless steel appliances and no debt. We have never argued over money. Our number one argument was always sex before this last relationship. He wanted sex everyday and I did not. He being the bully would argue about it till all hours of the night. There are other things that chipped away at my feelings for him. Time being one of them. Now I don't know if I love him. I certainly don't feel like having sex with him. I do not find him attractive. Mostly I am annoyed with him. We got together when I was 15, he is all I know. My kids are number one to me. Sharing them seems miserable. But things have gotten so bad that I'm miserable the majority of the time. He does not want a divorce. Says he will change. It always goes back to the same old crap. I want to enjoy my kids in a positive state of mind. Maybe part time like that is better than the full time of feeling unhappy. I know my kids did not ask to be a part of our selfish crappy choices. I hate that the other relationship went to far. They were the third couple we were swinging with. We both fell in love with the other person. We both lied non stop to our spouse to maintain the relationship with the other person. There is so much water under the bridge that I am drowning. Plus I saw qualities in the new person that my husband does not have. Counseling is a possibility but will it change the way I have felt for the last 11 years? Neither of us are religious whatsoever.

[Fruitsss]

im surprise u dont find the fights bad enough too just leave,its not normal.
if someone report u and him, u will lose your kids cause they r in a very unhealthy situation.

but if u find your material stuff that important sit and watch , cause kids suck it all up till they r grown u will
get the fruits.

[Never charity]

The physical fights aren't that often. It's more of getting shoved around, not beaten. You are right, my kids deserve better. So do my husband and I if that's what we bring out of each other.

[Guybrush]

Normally I would go very far when encouraging people to fight for their relationship when kids are involved. Your kids are entering into their early teens, which I believe is an especially vulnerable age.

Still, you seem to have a lot against you... Do you consider yourself more confident as parents and better role models on your own than as a couple? There are plenty of examples where children of divorced parents look back and acknowledge that things improved *after* their parents split up (although traumatic at first).

It is hard to judge based on a few posts in a forum. Could you at least *consider* trying councelling before you give up? In any case, it will feel better if you know that you have tried everything.

[Call Me Maybe]

you guys messed up pretty bad but that still shouldn't come between you two. Have you tried a marriage counselor? Are you two religious? Do you give 110% in your marriage? Divorce should be a last resort. It's not a 'get out of jail free' card