Heartbroken and lost - cannot get over my ex and want him back! help!

[ruby_red]

Hi all

I am not sure if anyone will read this but I need to get my thoughts out there anyway in the hope that it might ease my pain just a little bit!

This may be long sorry - i'll start from the beginning.

We were together around 15 months and I was beginning to feel like he was drifting away from me but I didn't know what to do about it, then he went away on business for a week and came back and said he wanted to go on a break to work out if we were meant to be together - this went on for 6 weeks and I saw him once in that. He told me he was really depressed and unhappy with his life and was struggling to cope being in a relationship. I then text him and said i couldn't go on like this and needed an answer (i couldn't eat or sleep or concentrate on work) and then he text back and said it was over! I tried to call him but he wouldn't answer his phone to talk to me! I was absolutely distraught, cried my eyes out. Was crying in the toilets at work every day and cried myself to sleep every night, couldn't sleep and it really started to affect my work.

I received a few texts from him saying that I still held a special place in his heart and that you never know we may get back to together in the new year (2013) so I waited for him, checking my phone every 2 seconds waiting for him to text me but he never did. I text him a few times asking what was going on and he'd just say nothing had changed and we may get back together in the future but not right now.

So then I found out that he had gone back to the place he went to on business, when we were together, on Christmas Day! As you can imagine that raised my suspicions and i text him to ask him why he had gone back there - he was really cold and just said he was there with friends and that we weren't together anymore so i should move on!

So he has gone from saying that we would get back together to saying i should move on after knowing i have waited for him now for 2 months!

Then he blocked me on facebook so I text him again and asked him why he blocked me then he text back a day later and said he hadn't - and guess what yes miraculously the block had been taken off but i was unfriended.

I am a complete mess, I cannot stop thinking about him and why this has all happened, what i have done wrong, what he is getting up to and if he is with anyone. He has told me that he just wants to be on his own and that he intends on being single for a long time. it kills me to think about him with someone else.

Anyway i have since lost my job as i just couldn't concentrate on work and was an emotional wreck.

If he hadn't have messed with my emotions I wouldn't be like this but i feel like i am going literally crazy! Im paranoid, restless, depressed! A total mess!

I want him back so bad. But then i think why do i when he has treated me like this!

But is there any chance of ever getting him back? I have read that no contact can get someone back but has too much happened now! My stupid crazy, stalkerish behavior probably has not helped - but its because he messed with my head i'm like this!

I mean if he really wasn't interested anymore why would he say we might get back together?
Am i being a complete idiot?

Someone, anyone please give me some advice on what to do. How to not contact him (i am finding it really hard), how to stop thinking about him and get on with my life!

x

[Wakeup]

First you have to accept that he's not coming back Surely you don't disrespect yourself enough to wait around for that? Don't listen to words that mean sweet eff all. Actions are where a persons truth lies and his actions are clearly telling you that he's done with the relationship.

It doesn't matter what he said before, he's told you to move on and his action tell you that he clearly has already.

Now.. You get over him by accepting all that. You also get over him by realizing that you can do better than him, by keeping busy, by getting another job because NO ONE is worth wallowing away in tears to the point where you lose your job. That is obsession, certainly and it's unhealthy to let yourself get to that state. If you can't get past a breakup or the death of a loved one then you should seriously cosider gettig some personal therapy to help you cope. At the very least read self-help titles that will aid you in whatever personal hell you're currently journeying through. So: Get out of your sweats, have a hot shower, doll yourself up and go to your nearest big book store and hopefully while your browsing the self-help section you'll meet a handsome stranger over at the coffee shop section.

Reminder: NO MAN IS WORTH YOU LOSING YOUR JOB, MENTAL HEALTH OR *PERSONAL DIGNITY OVER. and don't let him hoover you back in at some unknown future because he's not sincere or the least bit worth you waiting for.

[Guybrush]

Here is what I get from your text:

- He rejects you ("Break" my ****. That's just another word for breaking up used by people who do not have the balls to break up properly)
- He then tries to control you by puttin you on hold (Maybe in 2013? What does that mean? Wake up, please!)
- Then he rejects you again, and acts like an asshole on top of that

You deserve better than this!! I suggest the following three steps:

1: Forget him!
2: Forget him!
3: If there is still any trace left, forget him even more!

If you have difficulties with these steps, there is a thread on this site on how to forget people. It is not too bad. Give it a try? Link below

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/28537-Tips-and-advice-on-how-to-forget-someone

[basilandthyme]

If there's one thing I hope you take away from all this: don't EVER put yourself on hold while someone wants a 'break'. If they aren't committed enough to keep the relationship going, then dump them.

[ruby_red]

Wow! I didn't realise what an idiot i was being. i have been hanging on to his meaningless words with so much hope that we would get back together - but how pathetic is that! it just hurts so much, the thought of the possibility of him even being interested in someone else actually makes me want to vomit! 6 months ago this guy was telling me he was saving up for a ring to ask me to marry him and now this! Its just so hard to accept how someone can switch off his emotions so easily and quickly but i guess he has been feeling this way for a while now and not told me about it - i saw the signs but whenever i asked him about it he just said he was stressed with work. if he had have been honest with me he would have saved me so much heart ache and i would still have my job.

thank you for making me wake up somewhat!

I just need to try and get through each day at a time and i have started applying for new jobs today, i feel like i have a mountain to climb but at least i have made the first steps!
x

[monty23]

Hmm. I feel your pain. I really do. You can read my very long thread called Broken Hearted at Christmas if you like. It will explain my own situation.

I find it's very different when you're in a relationship that then goes bad or ends suddenly (and it usually does feel sudden even when you know deep down it's been coming for a while), and the person acts out of character to everything you knew about them while you were together. An objective person reading about the situation instantly sees the person is not treating you well or how you deserve, and you should leave as there's no hope. But because you're IN the relationship, you're too close to be objective, and also you are still stuck back in how the person USED to act...and I'm sure while you were together he treated you well. Most people don't embark on relationships and stay in them for over a year if the person never treated them well.

Anyway...it's been a month since I really had contact with my online "husband"...and it's still so hard, but it's a bit better than it was. I am mostly accepting it's over. I am able to eat a bit now if I force my mind to shut off the thoughts that often bombard it in my general waking life. I am able to sleep too now, which helps. I found it hard to focus at work too and had to leave early a few days right after he left me.

Somewhere deep down inside, I know I don't deserve to be treated badly like this. He didn't even TELL me he was leaving me. He just...left. Blocked me out of his life. Ignored my very existence. So although I desperately want him back because he made me feel so alive and happy and loved and desired and worthy as a person, I do also know if he DID come back, I would be sacrificing my own self worth and dignity. And right now, I don't know that I'm strong enough to choose myself over him. I think I'd still choose to have him back. Pretty sad, eh?

[ruby_red]

No not sad at all. Thats exactly how I feel, even after all the heart break he has put me through and his blatant disregard for my feelings, if he turned up at my door now wanting me back I would take him in like a shot! I'm not strong enough yet either. We are just still in love I guess and our emotions make us do crazy things.

I thought it was bad that I got dumped by text but for him to just walk out on you like that is horrible, i'm so sorry. They are both such cowards.

My ex text me this afternoon just saying 'i hope you have a good 2013'. I feel like replying to him and telling him exactly what I think of him - I have been feeling such anger today. To not even be man enough to tell me to my face he had to go on a 'break' for 6 weeks before I had to text him to then get dumped by reply! Then he wouldn't even answer my call so that we could at least talk it through, then to still string me a long for another month after that before finally saying I should move on. I just feel so confused and mixed up, I want answers from him. How could he go from saying he wanted to marry me to this. And why does he continue to communicate with me albeit really scarcely and really cold. Do you think I should reply?

I know what its like to not be able to eat or sleep and when you do finally get off to sleep, that moment you wake up and feel ok for 2 seconds before it all comes flooding back to you and you feel like you are going to be sick. And having to force food down because you cant stomach anything. Its like a bad nightmare only you never wake up.

[Wakeup]

Why would you want to respond to mere crumbs sent out of guilt? Unless his message says "I've made a terrible mistake, please reconsider." then ignore him. To respond to meaningless words without action is just you being afraid to face the hard truth that he's not the man you thought he was, that he does not value you like you value(d) him and you'll look totally without self-worth if you respond to, as I said, "words without action." Words are meaningless unless actions are in place to back them up. Don't let a "happy new year" drag you back to square one at getting over him.

[ruby_red]

Wakeup - you are right ofcourse. And that is what I thought deep down but I always doubt myself especially recently and sometimes it takes somebody to tell you youre doing the right thing and to support you.

I do feel like the person I knew doesn't even exist anymore, and i am doubting anything he ever told me was true or sincere. i do think that he feels guilty but not enough to pick up the phone or even text me and say that he is sorry. why was he such a coward, why couldn't he tell me he didn't want to be with me to my face after everything that we went through and experienced together. I mean you dont say you want to marry someone if you dont mean it do you!

I cant help but feel that one day he will realise what he has done but then it will be too late and i would have moved on. i hope that day is soon!

[Guybrush]

I cant help but feel that one day he will realise what he has done but then it will be too late and i would have moved on. i hope that day is soon!

Moving on is the key here. And that also includes not putting any thought into what he may or may not realize. You need to focus on yourself now and not on your ex.

You need to get to the stage where you feel confident that moving on is the right thing for you and whatever he may think or do is irrelevant. Think of it this way: If he DID get in touch and admit that he did a mistake, wouldn't that confuse you even more?

I think you need to disconnect completely. And that means not wanting to hear from him any more than you want him to hear from you.

Did this make sense?

[Wakeup]

Wakeup - you are right ofcourse. And that is what I thought deep down but I always doubt myself especially recently and sometimes it takes somebody to tell you youre doing the right thing and to support you.

I do feel like the person I knew doesn't even exist anymore, and i am doubting anything he ever told me was true or sincere. i do think that he feels guilty but not enough to pick up the phone or even text me and say that he is sorry. why was he such a coward, why couldn't he tell me he didn't want to be with me to my face after everything that we went through and experienced together. I mean you dont say you want to marry someone if you dont mean it do you!

I cant help but feel that one day he will realise what he has done but then it will be too late and i would have moved on. i hope that day is soon!

If it will help you to get closure. I'll tell you exactly why he lied and strung you along. Because he wanted to keep a door open (and he still does) to be able to come back to you for a piece of ass when he got bored with the new chick he is with, that's why he wasn't honest with you. Now, he keeps in touch just to keep that door open in case it doesn't work out with her. I've seen men like him do things like he did to you to woman often in these forums. Hell, there are men honest enough in this forum who would tell you they do (or did) the same thing themselves. Self serving is what you call that type of person.

Put an end to it. He is a selfish, coward who isn't worth your tears. Take back your personal power, Ruby. Love yourself to know that it's over and you're GLAD that it is because you don't need anymore torment from an asshole like him.

[ruby_red]

Yes that totally makes sense but I think harder to do in practice than to say in theory. I just feel like my life is a bit meaningless without him, i can't imagine my life without him or that i'll ever be happy without him. I can't ever imagine being with another man in fact the thought kind of makes me feel a bit sick.

how pathetic is that!!!

[ruby_red]

And do you think he really is with someone else then? all the signs point to yes but when i asked him he said no! Another lie?!

[Wakeup]

Ruby.. you're missing the point. YOU need to get to the point where you don't care WTF he is doing or with whom and you keeping on thinking bout him is not getting you to that point.

Relationships end ALL of them either through death or breakup and if you (the general you) stagnate yourself with thoughts of what if's and feeling sorry for yourself, then none of us would ever be able to function properly after the death of a loved one. Consider him dead if that is how you can get to the point of not wondering about him or what he's up to ever again.

.. and don't be worrying about thoughts of being with another man right now. If you take this one day at a time while you keep yourself busy doing things you like to do, then you can worry about other man/men when you're feeling healthy and vibrant again. Goal is to get past thoughts of him/being with him/him coming back and anything else about him. You can only reach that goal if you stop the thoughts by making a conscious effort to change the subject of him and anything about him.

This thread is keeping him upfront and forward in your mind. It's good to vent for a while but don't make venting about him your new hobby either or you'll stagnate in the stage of denial that it's over.

[ruby_red]

Don't worry I am not making this my new hobby and although like you say it is keeping him at the forefront of my mind, he would have been on my mind anyway but in an unhealthy way and I would have messaged him by now. This has really helped me come to terms with the situation and I have realised that I have been such a fool! I suppose I just didn't want to believe that the lovely sweet man I fell in love with isn't actually real who I thought he was!

I think I am finally starting to accept things as heartbreaking as that is an I feel better for it - less anxious! I have just devoured a good old english fish and chips dinner followed by chocolate ice cream - the biggest meal I have eaten in days so I must be feeling a bit better!

Thanks all xx