Am I passive aggressive?

[IndiReloaded]

HIA in kissing Indi's ass shocker. I hope thegaymod bans you both for making him look a twat.

Got nothing better to do than troll the forum? Why don't you post something if you have a different opinion.

As for SMHH, if I ever get involved in a longterm relationship again it will be required reading. All these others ones, Get the Love You Want, 5 Languages, Relationship Rescue (I read fast, I've read them all), all offer the same sop that only 'works' for those with a certain basic level of emotional engagement. They *don't* work for this kind of personality, and I know this from experience. The exercises in those books require some emotional engagement to anchor on, but the OP sounds like he has issues with acknowledging his own emotions. There's no capacity for anyone else's until that get resolved. He needs to 'know thyself' first.

I do agree with Wakeup that your wife is bitching at you b/c you've disengaged but still hang around transmitting your bitterness. Time to shit or get off the pot, as they say. Work to fix things, or work to leave. Here's a thought for you, one I finally decided was the right way to be thinking about my own marriage. Choose from the following:

Be excited and positive about your marriage, excited and positive about working on your marriage, or excited and positive about getting out of your marriage.

[Wakeup]

All I can say is the books mentioned (all of them) have helped a whole ton of people and most importantly: It takes two to tango. OP and his wife don't know how to functionally relate to one another so I suggest they try there first and if things don't get any better, then bubbye.

Op: "Tongue Biting" is you not knowing how to relate/communicate your needs or how to respond to your wife's dissatisfaction of you. HIA has a link to a site that shows you how to use your "I" words. Maybe he'll be good enough to link you to it. (and you can go over it with your wife as well (once you have talked about wanting things to be good with the two of you again) so that she can relate her needs in a better manner. It gives a very brief outlay on what "I" words mean and what they can help you accomplish.

Here's a thought for you, one I finally decided was the right way to be thinking about my own marriage. Choose from the following:
Be excited and positive about your marriage, excited and positive about workiing on your marriage, or excited and positive about getting out of your marriage.

I agree.

[IndiReloaded]

Wakeup, I agree with you about *a* book being useful, just not the ones suggested for the reasons I already said. You don't have experience with this kind of personality, I suspect. I do, first hand (plus mine was abusive to boot). Your spouse sounds emotionally engaged. Big difference.

As for the books, one of my degrees is in psychology and I did clinical work for 2 years in abnormal psych (for all the good it did me w/my ex). PA/EAs don't respond the same way to these interventions. Not sure if you are familiar with narcisstic personality disorder, but there are some similarities. Perhaps I am wrong, however, and the OP will come back and explain how he has already tried counselling (in a meaningful way, just showing up doesn't count) and employing some of these techniques. If so, then perhaps those books will serve.

[CoolStoryBro]

Got nothing better to do than troll the forum? Why don't you post something if you have a different opinion.

As for SMHH, if I ever get involved in a longterm relationship again it will be required reading. All these others ones, Get the Love You Want, 5 Languages, Relationship Rescue (I read fast, I've read them all), all offer the same sop that only 'works' for those with a certain basic level of emotional engagement. They *don't* work for this kind of personality, and I know this from experience. The exercises in those books require some emotional engagement to anchor on, but the OP sounds like he has issues with acknowledging his own emotions. There's no capacity for anyone else's until that get resolved. He needs to 'know thyself' first.

I do agree with Wakeup that your wife is bitching at you b/c you've disengaged but still hang around transmitting your bitterness. Time to shit or get off the pot, as they say. Work to fix things, or work to leave. Here's a thought for you, one I finally decided was the right way to be thinking about my own marriage. Choose from the following:

Be excited and positive about your marriage, excited and positive about working on your marriage, or excited and positive about getting out of your marriage.

I did post my opinion. The OP dude said his wife bought him a book about being PA, and it pissed him off. No point telling him to go read another book, that will piss him even more. I also posted that the thread has become an ass kissing cock-fest, hardly trolling.

[Wakeup]

I think her giving him a book on PA was being PA.

[HeartIsAching]

I did post my opinion. The OP dude said his wife bought him a book about being PA, and it pissed him off. No point telling him to go read another book, that will piss him even more. I also posted that the thread has become an ass kissing cock-fest, hardly trolling.

The tone of MMWV is, or seemed to me at the time I read it as very pro-woman and anti-man. It likely will to the OP as well, who will ignore the important message as I did, merely because the language it's couched in is irritating to men.

[IndiReloaded]

I think her giving him a book on PA was being PA.

Perhaps. Or perhaps she tried to engage him verbally and figured that a book (that he could read in his cave, if he cared enough) might be a better way to get his attention w/o it devolving into an argument.

She doesn't sound like she has the communication problem, based on his posts. Except being too aggressive instead of assertive, perhaps. But until he posts what he thinks *her* issues are, we are guessing without any data.

[HeartIsAching]

I think her giving him a book on PA was being PA.

There was nothing passive about giving him a book and saying "I think you need to read this."

[IndiReloaded]

The tone of MMWV is, or seemed to me at the time I read it as very pro-woman and anti-man. It likely will to the OP as well, who will ignore the important message as I did, merely because the language it's couched in is irritating to men.

This is a common complaint for these "touchy-feelie" books. Same reason for why many men refuse counselling. Communication isn't just about the message. Its about being ready and willing to listen to the message. Not at all easy if one is uncomfortable with emotion, perhaps raised in an environment where emotions were minimized and then, as Wakeup says, not made to feel "safe" expressing those emotions.

But, there's a caveat to that last (but you don't make me feel safe!). Sometimes its true, but sometimes its used as another excuse to avoid the emotional engagement.

At some point, I expect this OPs wife will decide to throw in the towel. Maybe that's what he's waiting for (so he doesn't have to deal with it).

How are we doing, Chip? Any of this resonating with you? Or making your gibbering monkey emerge?

[HeartIsAching]

This is a common complaint for these "touchy-feelie" books. Same reason for why many men refuse counselling. Communication isn't just about the message. Its about being ready and willing to listen to the message. Not at all easy if one is uncomfortable with emotion, perhaps raised in an environment where emotions were minimized and then, as Wakeup says, not made to feel "safe" expressing those emotions.

But, there's a caveat to that last (but you don't make me feel safe!). Sometimes its true, but sometimes its used as another excuse to avoid the emotional engagement.

At some point, I expect this OPs wife will decide to throw in the towel. Maybe that's what he's waiting for (so he doesn't have to deal with it).

How are we doing, Chip? Any of this resonating with you? Or making your gibbering monkey emerge?

Most of us don't even know how to express the proper emotions, or even identify them. We skip right past "embarrassed" or "belittled" or "unimportant" or whatever it is right to "angry" because that's what we've been socialized to do since birth. We actively tell our boys to feel anger instead, and then get ticked at them later in life when that's all they know how to display. I used to think that all I was capable of was either rage or happiness - not realizing at the time that I wasn't alone or even in the minority. It happens with women too, but to a much lesser extent.

[CoolStoryBro]

**** me .

[IndiReloaded]

Halzman discusses this quite a bit, right in the first chapter "You've got Male". lol. I agree, men get the raw deal when it comes to emotional training.

[IndiReloaded]

**** me .

Awww, was that an emotion being expressed? Want a hug?

[HeartIsAching]

Huh... definitely gotta check that book out then. Maybe the library has it.

[CoolStoryBro]

Yeah, I go straight to anger when I read HIA's musings.