Am I passive aggressive?

[Mish]

if I say I have communicated my wants and needs and have found them (consistently) disregarded to the extent that I frequently find myself in a state of emotional exhaustion?

Sounds like you and your wife have communication problems. To be exact how did you communicate your wants and needs to her? What kind of language did you use? Was it in a manner "let's seat down and have a serious talk" or just an easily forgettable off comment or remark in the supermarket?

[chipottle]

Erm...to be honest I'm a bit surprised and disappointed with the tone of some of the replies but there are some genuinely useful suggestions for which I am grateful and which I'll follow up (if I can find them again amongst the insults, prejudice and noise). It matters to me about whether or not I'm PA so I can try to deal with it but having said that, I'm not even sure I agree with some of you about what passive aggression actually is (yep - bring it on) - surely a wide range of activities can be deployed (or witheld) in a passive aggressive way - that could be communicating or not communicating, not eating your greens, dominating the TV remote, giving someone a book (yes!), or not, and, dare I say it, being selfish in the sack. Surely it all depends on the motive? I think that's a very important point. I still think there's more to this than meets the eye.

For what its worth, I do think I have an atypical problem over conflict with my wife (I tend not to have many conflict issues with anyone else) insofar as when we argue and matters reach a certain pitch, its as if a switch goes off in my brain which gags me. It seems to be linked to a type of frustrated anger and subsides when a few days have elapsed and the issue, whatever it was, becomes more distant and obscure to allow me to calm down. The point is that I don't (yet) think the behaviour is premeditated, or part of a manipulative response. I guess I'm hoping for someone to say "yeah, some people get that, its a documented clinical phenomenon"...(which isn't PA)...

[HeartIsAching]

Ok OP, I just re-read the entire thread to be sure...

There wasn't as single insult thrown your way. I find it most interesting that you thought there were. Your wife's right, you need help.

I'm done.

[Cerby]

Erm...to be honest I'm a bit surprised and disappointed with the tone of some of the replies but there are some genuinely useful suggestions for which I am grateful and which I'll follow up (if I can find them again amongst the insults, prejudice and noise). It matters to me about whether or not I'm PA so I can try to deal with it but having said that, I'm not even sure I agree with some of you about what passive aggression actually is (yep - bring it on) - surely a wide range of activities can be deployed (or witheld) in a passive aggressive way - that could be communicating or not communicating, not eating your greens, dominating the TV remote, giving someone a book (yes!), or not, and, dare I say it, being selfish in the sack. Surely it all depends on the motive? I think that's a very important point. I still think there's more to this than meets the eye.

For what its worth, I do think I have an atypical problem over conflict with my wife (I tend not to have many conflict issues with anyone else) insofar as when we argue and matters reach a certain pitch, its as if a switch goes off in my brain which gags me. It seems to be linked to a type of frustrated anger and subsides when a few days have elapsed and the issue, whatever it was, becomes more distant and obscure to allow me to calm down. The point is that I don't (yet) think the behaviour is premeditated, or part of a manipulative response. I guess I'm hoping for someone to say "yeah, some people get that, its a documented clinical phenomenon"...(which isn't PA)...

You're here to hear what you want, and that is what makes giving advice tough.

Go another route with this. Do you love your wife? If so, try going and getting some couples counselling to speak to a professional about it. If you believe this is some sort of clinically documented issue, then someone with some psychological training will have no problem working through it with you.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm bored at work, so I'm going to push this a bit...You're logic is flawed. Knowledge obtained through learning is not passed down or inherited, we're not talking about evolution here.

Yes it can be. Look up 'memes'. If the knowledge or concept leads to a *functional* outcome, it gets adopted by a culture. Historical M-F interactions in relationships are a result of memes. Our culture is undergoing an interesting shift in this regard, b/c of women in the workplace, having later/fewer children, etc.

Meme = "an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture."

Educated people are educated through learning, not through being around someone else who is educated.

I hope you are wrong or I'm out of a job. Of course, ideas aren't learned by osmosis, but certainly children learn by emulating the behaviour of their parents, teachers, other mentors. There is abundant literature that 'learning by doing' and 'learning from peers' is more effective than reading a book.

Principals of good relationships are most definitely integrated into society - for those willing to take the time to understand them and are interested in mutual happiness.

I agree with this^. I think you just confirmed my point. But you seem to think it needs to be learned de novo as an adult. I think that's absolutely not true and that most of the training re: communication and relationship dynamics happens, not from a book, but from parents and early life relationships. Memes that work. If the principles in these books were 'meme worthy' they would already be adopted. Or maybe they are and that's why marriage is in apparent decline for certain classes of people (mostly educated women).

This book is just one of many that probably make a minor contribution to educating people on the fundamentals of good communication. If relationships were as easy as just reading a book and understanding, then this forum wouldn't need to exist.

Again, you seem to be reinforcing my point here. I agree the book has a minor impact. Books like these don't address the major barrier to relationship issues, IMO. This is why the whole self-improvement section of the bookshop keeps expanding: they don't have the right answers to the problems, so they can keep coming up with new theories and sell more books.

The book continues to sell because people continue to believe it works, and therefore buy it.

Yes, the important word being "believe", which is what I said. People buy books like this b/c they hope it will work, which by itself isn't enough to solve their problem. Your success isn't b/c of the principles in the book, it was in your ability to apply a new strategy successfully. That's a lot rarer than you think. You could have applied the principles from MMWV, or almost any other book of this type (including the bible, which works for some).

[Love'sReject]

I agree completely with Indi; Cerbs, I also get what you're saying but that's largely a matter of semantics. Indi is talking about ostension, which is how everyone learns.

[HeartIsAching]

Oh god... don't take credibility away from Indi by agreeing with her, Cupcake.

[Love'sReject]

Lol, bro, I'm a philosopher, sociologist, psychologist (but not a misogynist, mind you)...I think I know a little more than you give me credit for, Fruitcake.

[HeartIsAching]

No, Cupcake. You just think you know more than I give you credit for.

You're definitely a misogynist.

[Love'sReject]

I know that I know more than you give me credit for, Fruitcake. Bro, I'm smarter than you are.

[HeartIsAching]

I know that I know more than you give me credit for, Fruitcake. Bro, I'm smarter than you are.

You'd like to think so wouldn't you, douchebag?

[Love'sReject]

Bro, y u so mad? Dawg, you need counseling, get that anger in check bro...

[IndiReloaded]

Erm...to be honest I'm a bit surprised and disappointed with the tone of some of the replies but there are some genuinely useful suggestions for which I am grateful and which I'll follow up (if I can find them again amongst the insults, prejudice and noise). It matters to me about whether or not I'm PA so I can try to deal with it but having said that, I'm not even sure I agree with some of you about what passive aggression actually is (yep - bring it on) - surely a wide range of activities can be deployed (or witheld) in a passive aggressive way - that could be communicating or not communicating, not eating your greens, dominating the TV remote, giving someone a book (yes!), or not, and, dare I say it, being selfish in the sack. Surely it all depends on the motive? I think that's a very important point. I still think there's more to this than meets the eye.

For what its worth, I do think I have an atypical problem over conflict with my wife (I tend not to have many conflict issues with anyone else) insofar as when we argue and matters reach a certain pitch, its as if a switch goes off in my brain which gags me. It seems to be linked to a type of frustrated anger and subsides when a few days have elapsed and the issue, whatever it was, becomes more distant and obscure to allow me to calm down. The point is that I don't (yet) think the behaviour is premeditated, or part of a manipulative response. I guess I'm hoping for someone to say "yeah, some people get that, its a documented clinical phenomenon"...(which isn't PA)...

Why are you asking *us* for a diagnosis? Go see a professional for that. This is a free website. Even if there were professionals posting here, none would admit it. You get what you pay for.

Most 'experts' here form their opinions from their own experience, reading a lot of other peoples threads who have come before, and google.

I'm dismayed that your last post is still all about you. Still focussed on that label. As for your comment implying the conflict is your wife's fault (b/c you don't have this problem with others)--that's typical too. I'll bet your workplace is very controlled, in the sense you choose interactions where the likelihood of conflict is small. Or, perhaps your wife really is just a bitch, like Wakeup said. Is she? Only you really know the answer to this.

Just based on the tone of your posts though, with a set of internet strangers--who are taking their *time* to answer your post, unpaid (you could try 'thank you')--I think there is something to your wife's complaints. Look at your posts: "bring it on". LOL, what an attitude. PA/EA, whatever, you are definitely issued.

when we argue and matters reach a certain pitch, its as if a switch goes off in my brain which gags me. It seems to be linked to a type of frustrated anger and subsides when a few days have elapsed and the issue, whatever it was, becomes more distant and obscure to allow me to calm down.

This^ btw, says to me you have anger issues. You seem to employ some kind of anger suppression, instead of a healthy outlet for it. This is worthy of speaking to a professional about, IMO.

[HeartIsAching]

Bro, y u so mad? Dawg, you need counseling, get that anger in check bro...

No anger at all, Cupcake. Just truth. Too bad it hurts, eh?

[Love'sReject]

You're getting pretty worked up, bro..