Broken hearted at Christmas

[monty23]

I'd known this guy on a music discussion forum for 2 years or so before we got very close and would send private msgs back and forth a few times a day. Couldn't get enough of each other and both of us were so excited when we'd see the other had written. (We both had real life partners and didn't intend to get together, but that somehow changed gradually over the next month. I was 32, he was 59, we lived in different countries and I thought I was gay before this time).

We got together around April 2011. We had contact twice a day (our time zone difference meant his evening was my morning and vice versa, and it suited us very well) and by June were sending each other videos of ourselves (just chatting, hanging out, driving, getting dressed in the morning...all boring domestic things to try to bring the other closer into our everyday lives even though we were so far apart), we would send long emails while the other was sleeping, we'd chat on gmail twice a day every single day. By September, we were also sending texts. Basically, whenever we were both awake, we'd be in contact and when one of us was sleeping, the other would do videos and write emails. We were completely consumed with each other and called each other our spiritual husband and wife.

In November 2011, his partner found out about us and freaked out. Nothing much changed with us after that, as he worked around her schedule at work and we had contact only when she was asleep or at work (which was often). He had previously used his company phone to text, but now got a "secret" phone for us.

From about March 2012, we started arguing quite a lot, always about the same things. Whenever his partner was home, we couldn't be together and he would constantly say he planned to move out as he cared for her but didn't love her and couldn't stand living with her 3 adult children. They never spent time together, never discussed anything, were not intimate, and just had a domestic partnership - he would cook and clean, she just wanted stability and her kids around her. He needed more than this in terms of a partner, and I was it. She asked him to marry her but he turned her down, said he didn't want to be married again (he only wanted to be married to me).

We had been planning for many months to somehow try to be together in "real life". There were seemingly endless obstacles in our way though - he had no money, no real way to make enough money to support himself in order to move out of that house, and I refused to leave my partner before we had met in person to see how things went and whether it would work out if he moved over here to be with me. He could not come here for a visit before leaving his partner and moving out though. So we were at a bit of a stand still. A few times when we'd argue about this stuff, he would not be able to deal with the added pressure and would "disappear" for 2-3 days, with no contact at all. No emails, no chats at our regular times, no texts. I hated when he did this and told him how it hurt me. He always apologised and promised never to do it again (he did it twice in 2 months).

In June 2012, he got really sick. I had no idea what had happened as it went from our normal level of contact to nothing. I thought he may have had a stroke as the last text he sent me said he'd been disoriented and had to lie down in bed. I didn't know what to do and then 2 days later found out he was in the hospital. He didn't tell me this himself, I saw him on one of the other music forums he went on. He was on his partner's laptop so couldn't talk to me beyond that very brief message to let me know he was in the hospital. I was hurt by this and wondered how he could have just not told me and let me think he'd died or something. I felt like I was losing him. (he has a chronic illness that is usually dormant but at times comes out and makes him very sick, like it did that time).

He got out of the hospital and wrote to me, saying he had no space as everyone was watching him all the time, he couldn't find his phone so thought maybe his partner had found it but didn't say anything about it to him, and then 2 days later he wrote again and said everyone was talking about marriage because he needed treatment for his illness that would cost $20,000 and he had to go on his partner's work medical insurance but could only do so if they got married.

A week later he wrote to me, saying they were married. It was a nightmare for him. He said we could no longer be together as he was too old, too sick and he couldn't be a burden on me for the rest of my life. That he could not be the husband he so wanted to be for me. I wrote back saying no, he was wrong, etc. But he didn't check that email account anymore after that. He didn't give me a chance to say anything and he just kind of gave up on us and ignored me for the next month. I tried to contact him in other ways, but he didn't respond.

Finally, after a month, he DID respond, and explained more why he felt he'd needed to end things. He then realised he had been misguided (his words) and wrong in terms of making that choice for both of us. We got back together and it was good again, but our time together was greatly reduced due to the fact his mental sharpness was not what it was before he got sick and he had to be so careful his wife didn't find out about us again. He also found his phone (his wife hadn't found it, it was just hidden under a bunch of cables in his recording studio).

We had in depth discussions about how his situation now meant we could not be together in real life. Those hopes we'd had for that life together were gone, as he was tied to her due to being on her medical insurance and the fact he would most likely need her to take care of him as he got older and if his illness got worse or more frequent. He said he realised (what I already knew) that we needed to be together in any way we could, and it was worth it and made us both happy, rather than having all or nothing.

All was good for maybe 3 weeks, before his wife DID find out. He was groggy and vague and forgot to sign out of one of our email accounts, and he also left his phone out of its secret hiding place and she found that too. She deleted his email accounts and took his phone away. She also emailed me and told me this was the last time I'd ever hear from "them". However, he also sent me a msg through the music forum to tell me what had happened (a few hours after her email, when she had gone to work). I expected he would keep writing to me when it was safe (when she was at work), but no. 2 weeks of silence followed. It was very hard.

After that time, we got back in proper contact again, and with very strict rules we imposed on ourselves (not chatting or texting or having contact except when his wife was at work), things went back to fairly normal again. I was constantly on edge though, and very stressed out, that whenever I didn't hear from him when I'd normally expect to, that his wife had found out about us again.

I asked him once if she DID find out again, would we be over. He said no. They would be over. I didn't really believe this. Whenever she's found out, she never discusses it with him. She just takes away the tools he's used to be with me and thinks that's all that's required. I think honestly, she wouldn't kick him out even if she came home to find him having sex with someone in their bed.

He had said throughout our time together that he would never leave me, that he needed me, couldn't live without me, that he was only happy when he was with me. I believed him (and I still do).

He had been trying to find work for quite some time. He used to be a landscaper / construction worker but business was not so good due to the economy. He would usually work a few days a week, early in the morning until mid afternoons. This suited us as we'd chat early in his morning (my evening) as his wife usually worked early too and was gone by the time we came together. He found out in October 2012, that he was going to get offered an office job. He'd never had one before and was very apprehensive and not the happiest about it. He was used to being his own boss and having time in the day to do his own thing (make music, etc). But he needed to take this job to have money coming in, so he felt he had no real choice. He said it'd be better for us because he wouldn't have to leave our chats as early in the mornings now.

He took me with him when he bought new work shirts and pants (took me into the dressing room in a video, etc), showed me the manual he had to study for his new role, and we talked about everything he was feeling, as we always have done. (he has always been SO supportive and always there for me too, about everything. I've gone through some very hard times in the last 2 years and he's been there, constantly)

The first 2 mornings before his new job, I was there for him. He was so nervous and said I helped him so much and that he needed me more than ever. That we would be together forever and that he would never leave me (he had said those things many times during our time together).

We couldn't have any contact the next 2 days because his wife was home, but then she was due to work the next 5 consecutive mornings so we were very happy about that. He was particularly looking forward to the Saturday as he wouldn't have to go to work after our chat and we could chat and text until I went to bed. He said he hadn't looked forward to a Saturday that much in ages.

The next chat we had was Friday morning (my time, his Thursday evening). It was not good. I was distressed as I hadn't heard from him all morning and was hurt he hadn't brought his phone to work with him like he said he would. He seemed to be drifting away from me and didn't have the interest in talking to me as much. He had been out that night with a friend playing music and when he came back, he appeared in the gmail chat window (I did not expect him to come on as it was late for him and I thought he'd just go straight to bed without talking to me). He was all excited and happy cause he'd had a good time playing music. I was angry and upset. We had about a 2 minute chat and then he said he couldn't deal with me right now so left abruptly. That was the last chat we ever had.

I came online later to see if he'd be there for our normal planned chat session, but he wasn't there. No texts either. No emails. I did it again the next day too, but again, nothing. I assumed he was still angry and he was doing that "disappearing act" thing again. I waited...and waited. 5 days later, still nothing.

Finally, 8 days and many emails and texts and voicemail msgs later, I noticed he put a new song up on the music forums, called Remember. The first words were "it's done". So...this was his way of telling me we were over. I could not believe how devastated I was by this. Not just that he didn't want to be with me anymore but the way he'd done it. To not even tell me directly. I couldn't believe he'd just throw me away like that.

I kept trying to talk to him. Finally, 3 days later he responded, saying the day after our last chat, his wife had found his bank account records and noticed the payments to his secret phone company. He couldn't deny it and threw the phone away. He said to me that he couldn't live 2 lives anymore, and the new job made it too hard, and he was trying to move on but it was so difficult. I didn't understand this. We were supposed to have MORE time with his new job. He had told me previously if his wife found out again, that we wouldn't be over, but now apparently that had changed. He said he still loved me more than anything and I was his only true wife...

I wrote to him one more time with everything I was thinking...how it was safe to chat when his wife was out in the mornings, how he had that time still to be with me and if he wasn't intending to leave me before his wife found out then nothing needed to change now that she had. I said just wait till things settle down and then give it just a 2 week trial of chatting in the mornings again...no pressure...no risk...all good things.

He wrote back saying he was trying but it was difficult. We were now only talking through private msgs on another music forum which wasn't safe in terms of his wife being around, and he said he'd try and get me on email. He then emailed me and said his studio (at home) internet connection wasn't working and now there was only work. I was like...what?? He was online at home every night through the new iPad his work had given him. And so he could go online in the mornings too when his wife wasn't home, but he just...wasn't doing this for some reason I still don't know. And I also don't know why he didn't seem interested in fixing the internet connection at home as well.

[monty23]

Continued...

That was the last thing I heard from him. It's now been almost a month. Christmas came and went. I was distraught. I've lost 20lbs and look hideously emaciated because I'm too stressed and depressed to eat properly. It's his 61st birthday on Sunday. I keep thinking...this time last year we talked on the phone for the first time and it was amazing. And now? I couldn't pay him $1 million to talk to me. This time last year I sang him Happy Birthday in a funny Marilyn Munroe voice. But now? That won't be happening. He doesn't want me. He said he'd always love me, and yet he's thrown me away like a piece of trash?

I consider his reasons are all excuses. He just bought a $2,000 guitar so obviously he can afford to fix the computer internet connection if he wanted to. He can go online on his iPad at home so obviously he can talk to me but he doesn't want to. He also goes online when he's at work a few times during the day and the only change in terms of his time from before he got the job is now he doesn't get the time in the afternoon at home to do his music. But that time was never "our's" anyway as I was asleep and his wife was home. Our time was his mornings / my evenings, which are unchanged since the new job. All that has changed is his feelings for me apparently.

- He did another song the other day, called Meet Me in Your Dreams. Obviously about me. About meeting up in our dreams. So he's still thinking about us. He always said he felt we'd been together for many lifetimes and would continue to be...so I think he's given up on this particular life time and is now looking for the next one, our next chance to really be together.

I find that nice and everything, but really...I mean, come on. We have THIS life, NOW. And to quote a Fleetwood Mac song (The Chain), "If you don't love me now...you will never love me again."

Thanks for listening.

[DannBurkholder]

"If you don't love me now...you will never love me again." I agree with your point.

[DannBurkholder]

Sorry to hear about

[chenderson325]

I'm sorry to hear about this. I can tell how much it hurts, and I've been there myself, several times. It seems clear to me though that he DOES want to end it. I think you will have to accept it. Don't keep trying to convince yourself that your relationship has a chance. You should not feel like a piece of trash, though. He was obviously deeply involved with you and cared for you so much that he was willing to risk the stability of his home situation. But sometimes things are just not do-able. Loves do end sometimes, and there's nothing you can do to change it. Also, he has many valid points--he's married, he's ill, he's much older than you. He is doing you a kindness, really, to let go of you so that you have a chance for a love that might last longer and face so many obstacles. Cruel to be kind.

And...do you think it's possible that you got so deeply involved with someone so really in any practical sense unavailable to avoid facing the issue of you thought you might be gay? I dunno, just a question.

A friend of mine was involved in an online relationship like this. I think they burn bright and hot, but ultimately usually don't work out because there were reasons they were online relationships. Doesn't mean they're any less real, or any less painful to lose.

I know none of this is anything you want to hear. It sounds to me that you might need to seek some help coping with this loss. It sounds that you are in quite a bad way. You need to begin taking care of yourself. Is there someone you can reach out to?

[monty23]

Thank you for writing back.

It has been exactly a month now since he left and since our last "normal" contact. I am much better than I was for those first 1-2 weeks. It was a nightmare then. It still is, but I have developed more of a sense of peace, though it's a bit of a roller coaster I'll admit. I am sick of having to constantly control my thoughts so they don't go into the angry or painfully hurt territories again.

I keep telling myself yes, he really did love me, and he still does, but he has his reasons and I must respect that. I can't remember if I mentioned in my original post that he wrote another song last week called Meet Me In Your Dreams. So he's still thinking of me...he still loves me. But he's shifted that love over to some kind of romantic notion of meeting in another world or at another time, in a next life, etc. It brings not much comfort.

The thing is, we went through all the realisations of never truly being able to be together in real life (in person) when he got sick and had to get married. We came back together and agreed that we had to stay together just as we are now (online, etc) and this way, it could be maintained forever. His wife had found out about us several times before, and obviously this stressed him out, but...it was never enough to lose me.

Nowadays, he seems to feel it'd be easier and happier for him to not be with me anymore. So that hurts...that all our time together wasn't good enough or worth it for him to want it to continue now.

His reasons for leaving are not valid in my opinion though. His computer not working? Crap. Fix it. He just paid $1,500 for a new guitar, he can afford to pay to fix his computer internet connection. He has an iPad he goes online at home on now. He could use that. He said his new job makes it too hard to be with me now? He still gets up at 5.30am each morning and doesn't go to work until 8am. When he first got this new job, he said things would be even better for us in terms of time together because he wouldn’t have to leave so early in the morning for work anymore. So now he’s not talking to me, he’s still up early…he’s just playing guitar and going on his music forums instead now. I hope he’s enjoying himself. *shrug*

He wasn’t intending to leave me before his wife found out this final time, so I assume it’s NOT the job, or the computer issue, that is in the way. It’s the shock yet again of his wife finding out.

Nothing else has changed in his life apart from the fact I suspect he just got too tired of wanting something so badly that he knew he could never have…to be with me. And his excuses for not being able to be with me are just…nothing. They’re irrelevant. He COULD be with me if he wanted to, same as before.

I know he’s not happy right now. I can feel him. I’ve always been able to. He has never been happy living in that house with his wife and her kids. He never wanted a proper day job and now he has to do that everyday. He said he was only really truly happy when he was with me. And I believed him. But now I think it’s too hard for him to ONLY try to be happy those few days when we can come together when his wife is out at work.

I write songs in my spare time and I'm working on one now called Shattered Glass. I want him to hear it.

I've been in an online relationship before. My real life partner of 11.5 years, we met online. We were strictly online for 9 months before meeting for the first time in person. We only had emails and online chats in a chat room. No phone calls, no texts, no videos. My guy (I'm not calling him my "ex" at this stage, though I am under no illusions that he will come back to me any time soon, or at all probably) and I had videos, chats, phone calls, voicemail msgs while the other was sleeping, emails, etc. We would've Skyped and had more phone calls if our situations made that possible (he is hardly ever alone at home and when he is, I am not).

So although I know the many pitfalls and unlikelihoods of online relationships working out in real life, we would have worked out IF all those practical obstacles were not there. His wife I don't believe was a proper obstacle in terms of him coming here to be with me. I believe he would have done that if I was free to be with him, but I was not.

What's that about getting involved with someone unavailable to avoid facing the fact I might be gay? Nah, that's not it. Before he came along, I was 100% sure I was gay and had been fine with that since I was 18 years old (34 now). It was only when I developed feelings for him (including major sexual attraction) that I realised I may NOT be gay. I'm fine with that too though. I don't need labels. It actually excites me somewhat, as it opens up my mind to finding many people appealing and also I actually enjoy feeling the attraction towards men now, instead of having no interest whatsoever. (although I am also aware that if we were to meet in real life, I may either take FOREVER to become comfortable with him physically, or I may NEVER become comfortable physically / sexually with him, and that would mean I am gay pretty much, even despite my feelings for him. It's much easier to explore different feelings and experiences online than in person, of course.)

I do have my head on straight about everything on a mental level. It's just the emotional side that's throwing me.

I have nobody I can reach out to, apart from some friends online and places like this forum here. I cannot tell my real life partner obviously. I have friends in real life I would love to tell, but I can't because it's not safe (they're all also friends with my partner). I have 2 good guy friends online who know all about what's been going on with me, and they're helping, but the only person I really want to share with and talk to is...him. *sigh*

I am planning to go to see a therapist and get some sort of anti anxiety or anti depression medication to get me through the next few months.