Advice for dealing with my loved one

[hav0k]

First, I wish to say hello to everyone. I have just registered, with the intention to ask you guys about some advice on how to deal with a loved person in my life. I hope your experience will come in handy.

It's about my girlfriend. She is from USA and I'm from Europe. We met online almost 8 months ago. It was a perfect flow from the start to the point that we became best friends first, soul mates, and then lovers.

I know long distance relationships are hard, but relying on our good communication we managed to pull it off just fine. Two months ago she flew here and we met for the first time. It was one awesome week and we had a great time. We planned our future together.

But almost a month ago she fell into a sad mood, and she told me she suffers from seasonal depression during the winter.
Even though we had a talk about it, I can't seem to understand her anymore, she has changed. Not only that she doesn't enjoy our common activities anymore, but she gets constantly annoyed and irritated by some very simple things in our communication. It's like I'm talking to a completely different person, it's frustrating. At moments she seems ok and happy, then just a moment later she is all depressed and even talking about suicide. Mood tends to shift in days if not hours.

I got scared about her suicidal thoughts, dug up all the info I could about depression and even talked with my therapist about it. Everything advised me to keep calm, don't get emotional, to support her and be around for her. Sadly it is not as easy as it sounds. She had a troubled childhood, got molested twice as a kid, parents divorced, living with her mother who is being stressful towards her. Having a lot of unsuccessful relationships in her life too.

Until now I have tried to support her, and advised her to seek professional help, but she just refuses and says that depression cannot be cured and I just have to deal with it. Everything lately has been about her, it's like I have no say anymore. I often have to hear sentences like "Deal with it!", "Understand it!", "Stop it!" and such. On the question "Do you love me? Do you want to be with me?" she answered with mere "sure". This in turn make me insecure and introduces even more damage as we start to argue over it.

I feel hurt and confused, especially after the fact that she seems to enjoy communicating with other people and don't turn down offers from other men hitting on her (for example to fix her broken car). She is very faithful and she will never cheat on the person she is with, but her actions make no sense to me. Is it really the depression or she's just tired of me and doesn't want me anymore?

Thanks.

[Boisdevie]

Is she tired of you? It's impossible for us to say. But the biggest issue here is surely the distance? Unless she's going to move to Europe or you to the USA how do you think you can seriously have a relationship?

[hav0k]

Yes, I'm working towards moving to USA. We had a talk about it some time ago and we decided it's better for both of us this way.

[Fruitss]

U dont know her but u talk like u do.internet is just chat.so she is just a chat mate. And I think she need to find help herself. U cant do much especially being far away. Depress bring a lot of lonelyness with it so she can shore have a lot of pple she chat with. Get a real life and move on.

[hav0k]

U dont know her but u talk like u do.internet is just chat.so she is just a chat mate. And I think she need to find help herself. U cant do much especially being far away. Depress bring a lot of lonelyness with it so she can shore have a lot of pple she chat with. Get a real life and move on.

I don't want to be rude, especially when I am the one asking for help, but judging by the horrible advice you give to other people in the forum and the total lack of interest in understanding the meaning behind their posts I must say you are the one needing to get a life. Also, some spelling would be nice.

Peace.

[basilandthyme]

Her actions don't need to make sense. They are what they are and your only decision is whether or not they are acceptable to you.

Let's look at this rationally: If it's depression, she's refusing to get help.....so, it won't get any better. If she's tired of you, it still won't get any better.

It's only been 8 months. It's long distance. You have no ties to her - best option is to end things.

[HeartIsAching]

Do you think that moving to a foreign country to try and save a failing relationship with someone you hardly know is a better option than ending it and finding someone locally? I'm genuinely curious.

[Fruitss]

I don't want to be rude, especially when I am the one asking for help, but judging by the horrible advice you give to other people in the forum and the total lack of interest in understanding the meaning behind their posts I must say you are the one needing to get a life. Also, some spelling would be nice.

Peace.

i was just giving u a reality check.

[hav0k]

Do you think that moving to a foreign country to try and save a failing relationship with someone you hardly know is a better option than ending it and finding someone locally? I'm genuinely curious.

No, actually the plans to move to another country were long before all this happened.

[Cerby]

Hi Hav0k. You'll find that most people here who have tried LDR have found they are VERY hard to maintain. One of the members here is in one (MaidenMinx?) and it seems to be working for her, but for the most part, those with experience in it don't have much good to say. B&T nailed it with the point that whether she is bored with you, or genuinely depressed and unwilling to get help, it doesn't matter. It won't just magically get better on its own, and she isn't willing to work with you to fix it. Therefore, the options are very limited, I figure you have two:

1) Stay with her and hope it gets better
2) End it and try to date locally

Honestly, 2 sounds better to me in so many more ways than 1.

[HeartIsAching]

Hi Hav0k. You'll find that most people here who have tried LDR have found they are VERY hard to maintain. One of the members here is in one (MaidenMinx?) and it seems to be working for her, but for the most part, those with experience in it don't have much good to say. B&T nailed it with the point that whether she is bored with you, or genuinely depressed and unwilling to get help, it doesn't matter. It won't just magically get better on its own, and she isn't willing to work with you to fix it. Therefore, the options are very limited, I figure you have two:

1) Stay with her and hope it gets better
2) End it and try to date locally

Honestly, 2 sounds better to me in so many more ways than 1.

No, MaidenMinx is married with a kid.

[Cerby]

No, MaidenMinx is married with a kid.

Shit, then who is it, I know its one of the Aussie regulars who hasn't been online much recently.

[geminimoongal]

There are forums for long distance relationships but this is certainly not one of them. I suggest you google one of them. I notice in a lot of the replies for most problems its the same people giving their logical advice with no consideration for feelings. All I ever read is 'dump him/her' like you have to come on here to hear that BS If it was that easy this forum would not exist.

[hav0k]

I think the truth is somewhere in between all of these answers.

[hav0k]

Just an update:
I left her alone for a few days. She apparently didn't want to talk with me at all. I tried starting a conversation a few times but keeping it was hard as she was being edgy and annoyed by almost everything I say.
She has a birthday in a few days, so I sent her some money to buy herself something as a present. She said nothing all day. The evening she kept silent as usual, so I asked her if she received anything in her e-mail. She said she haven't yet checked. I said well check then. She said she has chores to do right now. I said it takes just 30 second. She got pissed, told me to **** off and exited.

How should I read this?